Don’t want visitors after the birth

[Pinkladyloz]

Ok. Here’s my ideal situation!

• Have my baby with only my boyfriend present.
• Tell (a select few) people the baby has been born but tell them to stay away.
• After a few days, tell my parents they can come and see us at home.
• Close everyone else out. No other visitors for a week to 2 weeks depending on how I feel.

We only give birth to each baby once.
Surely I’m not being over dramatic in wanting the most precious couple of weeks to be just my little family!?
It’s my first baby.
My parents live in Kent but are keen to come up and stay in a hotel and be around from when I’m in labour. I have told them I might not tell them and they didn’t seem impressed. I know they care about me and that’s why, but surely it’s my choice!
They’ve also worked out the date id be induced and booked the hotel for then too.
Kind wishing I’d made up a due date a month later than it really is so didn’t have everyone breathing down my neck !!

I’d like them to be the first the see my baby. Other than them, I really have a STRONG desire to have no visitors for at least a week. Maybe 2. This includes boyfriends family who I know are just going to be at us and at us to visit as soon as they know baby has come.
Boyfriend will want to share the news as soon as baby is born. So I just know they’ll be on us constantly as soon as they find out. And they only live round the corner :(

He’s understanding and knows how I feel and says that’s fine. But I’m worried my parents are going to be here just round the corner with nothing else to do and I’ll feel pressured to let them come and visit straight away and then it’ll set the bar for visitors and we’ll end up just forgetting about the whole plan!

Please back me up!!
Am I mad for wanting this?
It’s 2 weeks of me, my lovely boyfriend and our baby girl that we’ll never get back.
I don’t want to have to put on a front and be anything but myself.
I’m so excited! It’s just the whole seeing people thing that’s bugging me!

Everyones different, some people want no visitors but I couldn't wait for everyone i love to meet my baby. I wanted everyone involved and thats continued, friends and family have been so supportive and always want to see him.

Also dont underestimate the support you'll need, my parents were a great help in the first two weeks, tidying, doing my washing etc.

I always think when it's my turn to be a grandmother I'll want to see the baby straight away so I don't want to tell my baby no one met him for two weeks then he goes down that route if he has children.

I personally think its unfair that your parents meet the baby and your partners dont.

Just my opinion. Go with what you want as it is precious time with your baby

First of all, congratulations, hope all goes well for you.
I think you have to be really careful here to be even handed. Fair enough, you don’t want visitors for one or two weeks, but Grandparents should be an exception, and should be treated the same or you could stir up bad feelings for evermore. Talk to your boyfriend, get the rules straight, then it’s up to him to be your gatekeeper.

I wanted everyone to meet the baby while my husband was on his two weeks leave. He could then get the cups of tea etc. Certainly no visitor/parent ever offered to help tidy or do my laundry!!
Believe me you will have plenty of time just the three of you, but do whatever you want. But not fair letting only your parents meet the baby early on, it’s as much your partners grandchild as your own parents’.

Horrible to allow your parents to visit but not your partners. They are all grandparents and should never treated equally. It’s his baby just as much as yours. By all means limit visits but that’s plain nasty.

I always wonder what the crossover is between all the MN posters excluding family after the birth and the ones that come back 2 years later to complain that they haven't had a night off since the baby arrived, that MIL has more of a bond with other grandchildren etc. Bonus points if they express a wish for 'the village'.

In particular I think it is very rude to allow your parents weeks before his. These are your child's grandparents just as much as your own parents are. For your child's sake, try to strengthen their bonds - he or she doesn't need just 'your little family', they need a wide and loving family.

You sound quite selfish, your parents are no more important than your boyfriends.

Imo unless you are ashamed/embarrassed of people knowing you have had sex and got pregnant, show off your bloomin baby!! Visitors aren't coming to see your swollen fanjo or leaky norks!! They want to congratulate you both and give best wishes! Quick cuppa and shoo them off!!
Tell them where the kettle is, then show them the door!!
Then relax.
They don't intend to sit over you for days on end!
Yabu to favour one family over the other too...

I would personally let them come to see the baby early on for an hour ish and get it over with. Depending on how long you’re in hospital you could let them come to the hospital and be kicked out after an hour or whatever the visiting hours are. Job done.

On the other hand, my mum didn’t meet my youngest for a couple of weeks because she had a giant operation 2 days after my c section. She was gutted but their bond is as strong as it would have been had she met him 2 weeks before, so your plan isn’t going to affect anyone in that respect. It will however most likely hurt a lot of people’s feelings unfortunately!

It's not fair for some of your family to meet the baby and not your partners, it's his baby too and his feelings should be taken into consideration as well as yours. With your parents tell them they are welcome to come and meet the baby when you day. It it will be a brief visit as you want to settle, and do the same for his family. That's it, it's not difficult just tell people what you want them to do

I always wonder what the crossover is between all the MN (Mumsnet of course!) posters excluding family after the birth and the ones that come back 2 years later to complain that they haven't had a night off since the baby arrived, that MIL (mother-in-law) has more of a bond with other grandchildren etc

I agree with this. If you want to take the positives of having a family that is excited about and wants to be involved with the baby, then you need to be a bit more inclusive. This is obviously subject to if there’s any backstory about your families.

Honestly, you’ll be up round the clock with the baby and have plenty of time just the two of three of you. It’s totally up to you but I think you sound a little bit precious, and in any event the rules you apply to your parents have to apply to his too.

*two or three

Congrats on the pending arrival. We have our first last year and it really is a magical experience. I dont blame you for wanting to shut yourselves away and spend time as a family. We did the same to a certain extent and it was about 5 days before other family members, aside from parents, met our new baby.

That being said if my wife had said to me i want my parents to visit briefly when the baby is born but not yours for at least a week, i would have been pretty pissed of tbh! Its a very selfish attitude. Both sets of parents are equally important.

@Pinkladyloz

I think, whatever you are most comfortable with is what's best. At the end of the day it is you who is going to be birthing this baby and not anyone else!

The only thing I would say - is it might come across a bit funny to let one set of grandparents visit first and not the other, but again it's up to you! If you are most comfortable letting your own parents come after you've given birth then that's okay.

Personally I'm going to be doing a pretty similar thing to you, not telling anyone except my birthing partners (partner and mum) that I'm in labour. So it will actually work out that my mum gets to meet the grandchild first, but that's because I don't feel comfortable (having just given birth) having loads of people rushing in to the hospital to visit the baby!
And as for visiting at home, it's going to be a big challenge to get used to looking after the baby, getting used to a new routine and especially if you are getting to grips with breastfeeding! If you feel it's best to limit visitors then that's completely within your right.

Setting these expectations now makes sense, if you want to change them at the time and let people come visit very soon that's easy to do, whereas the other way around would cause much more trouble!

Congratulations btw OP, I hope all goes well!

Your partner's parents are equal grandparents, you should treat them the same as your mum and dad.

Other than that, my advice is to wait and see. I wanted to show off my baby and I was thrilled that family wanted to see her. I kept the visits short and didn't allow anyone in the afternoon when we had a nap.

See how it goes before you lay the law down and do consider your partner and your families.

I think you're being a bit precious and unfair to be honest.

I understand now wanting lots of fuss and lots of houseguests, but can't accept that one set of grandparents is allowed to know and visit but the others have to stay away. I'm also not sure why your desire to have nobody involved for a fortnight trumps your boyfriend's desire to share the good news.

It feels like you're approaching this from a position of it being dramatic. What's wrong with informing family that baby has arrived, mum and baby are well and we'd love to see immediate family in a couple of days once mum and baby are home.

I’m never quite sure I agree with the whole ‘it’s unfair to let your parents meet the baby first, it’s your partner’s baby too’ thing. Yes, but your partner didn’t push the baby out of their vagina or have it surgically extracted from their abdomen. I think it’s perfectly reasonable for a new mother to prioritise visits from the people she feels most comfortable around when she’s at such a vulnerable stage in her life.

Nobody is saying grandparents should be in there 5 minutes after birth. If we were talking about being in the room just after birth then I would agree, but this is woman dictates how a whole family runs and plays favourites.
Ultimately, the nature of biology is as it is. The child has 2 parents and One gives birth. One doesn't get to say my parents can know and visit and meet baby but yours can't for whatever period of time I decide (not unless there's some seriously good reasons to e.g. toxic relationships).

Obviously it's entirely up to you what you feel comfortable with but I would have a think about how you would feel if later on in life one of your children were to let their DP's Mum and Dad come and visit your Grandchild and then tell you you have to wait two weeks.

I'd have never dreamt of doing this to my in laws after the birth of any of my children because I know I'd be gutted to have the same done to me. If I'd felt I'd needed a few weeks visitor-free I'd have applied the same rule to everyone.

I think it’s cruel and divisive to allow your parents to visit but not your partner’s. Unless there is a major back story that you haven’t included, you should treat them both the same. I don’t think there is any harm in having parents visit straight off then asking for a few days grace before the other relatives come along to meet baby. I do agree with getting visits done while your partner is on paternity leave!

The family your baby is about to born into is more than just you and your boyfriend. I think it would be a shame to shut everyone out. You also can’t allow one set of grandparents to visit and not the other without breeding a whole sack load of resentment. Just have your boyfriend inform them when the baby is born, let them know everyone is well and say that they’re welcome to pop in for a brief visit to meet the new arrival once you’re back from hospital and settled at home. Have you boyfriend enforce the fact that you’re tired and it really does have to be a brief visit.

I think it's best to get the first flurry of visitors over whilst youre still in hospital if you can. Nobody expects much of you at that point. It's all a lot more complicated once you're back home with the daily chores to get done as well as look after the baby. You might even like having home visitors who can help out a little. It's certainly not right or fair to exclude one set of grandparents but let the others come.

I’m never quite sure I agree with the whole ‘it’s unfair to let your parents meet the baby first, it’s your partner’s baby too’ thing. Yes, but your partner didn’t push the baby out of their vagina or have it surgically extracted from their abdomen. I think it’s perfectly reasonable for a new mother to prioritise visits from the people she feels most comfortable around when she’s at such a vulnerable stage in her life.

I agree and I say that as someone who will be giving birth soon and the in laws will be seeing the baby before my own family at my own choice.

You do whatever you are most comfortable with (and yes, I think you should have a say over your bf as you are the one this is happening to) I doubt you would ever regret having that time just the three of you but you might well regret letting people come too soon.

I assume you don't ever intend to ask your boyfriend's parents or siblings for any help whatsoever with your child?

Surely it's easier to allow a little visit in your baby's first couple of days than it is to alienate family?

I feel that it's very unfair to let your parents visit and not your boyfriends parents it should be fair to all the grandparents