Don’t want visitors after the birth

[Pinkladyloz]

Ok. Here’s my ideal situation!

• Have my baby with only my boyfriend present.
• Tell (a select few) people the baby has been born but tell them to stay away.
• After a few days, tell my parents they can come and see us at home.
• Close everyone else out. No other visitors for a week to 2 weeks depending on how I feel.

We only give birth to each baby once.
Surely I’m not being over dramatic in wanting the most precious couple of weeks to be just my little family!?
It’s my first baby.
My parents live in Kent but are keen to come up and stay in a hotel and be around from when I’m in labour. I have told them I might not tell them and they didn’t seem impressed. I know they care about me and that’s why, but surely it’s my choice!
They’ve also worked out the date id be induced and booked the hotel for then too.
Kind wishing I’d made up a due date a month later than it really is so didn’t have everyone breathing down my neck !!

I’d like them to be the first the see my baby. Other than them, I really have a STRONG desire to have no visitors for at least a week. Maybe 2. This includes boyfriends family who I know are just going to be at us and at us to visit as soon as they know baby has come.
Boyfriend will want to share the news as soon as baby is born. So I just know they’ll be on us constantly as soon as they find out. And they only live round the corner :(

He’s understanding and knows how I feel and says that’s fine. But I’m worried my parents are going to be here just round the corner with nothing else to do and I’ll feel pressured to let them come and visit straight away and then it’ll set the bar for visitors and we’ll end up just forgetting about the whole plan!

Please back me up!!
Am I mad for wanting this?
It’s 2 weeks of me, my lovely boyfriend and our baby girl that we’ll never get back.
I don’t want to have to put on a front and be anything but myself.
I’m so excited! It’s just the whole seeing people thing that’s bugging me!

I totally understand your desire to be alone with your partner and baby for a while but to exclude your partners family whilst allowing yours to see their grandchild sounds a bit selfish and exclusionary - not great building blocks for a harmonious future relationship.

As it happened my ds was so proud of his baby he couldn't wait for me to see him but I would have been very upset to have been excluded in the manner you are suggesting. For clarity dil's dm saw dgc1 first which didn't bother me one bit and my first visit was a short one!

Horrible to block out his parents but your parents are ok.. also. I wonder if you'll be back in a couple of years time whinging that no one will baby sit your child so you can't go out alone with your partner. Works both ways...

@Stuckforthefourthtime completely agree!

Perhaps I was a bit hasty to say they should be treated the same. I do agree with I think it’s perfectly reasonable for a new mother to prioritise visits from the people she feels most comfortable around when she’s at such a vulnerable stage in her life but still think it would be unfair to welcome ones own parents with open arms whilst completing banning the in laws for 2 weeks!
I would, for example be happy to have my parents around for a whole day whereas would have the in-laws visit for an hour or two as I wouldn’t be as comfortable trying to feed etc with them. I suppose fair doesn’t have to mean equal. Perhaps just not exclusive 🤷🏼‍♀️

Exactly, the visits don't have to be identical but there should be some parity that doesn't mean pushing one side of the family out for at least a fortnight.

Immediate family meeting baby doesn't have to mean a house full. It could be a quick coffee and cuddles mid afternoon.

I think it harms more than it needs to by setting the tone that one set of grandparents are the preferred grandparents and it seems like the start of a MN thread later about how one set of GP don't get involved as much.

To me it’s unfair to have one rule for your family and one for his.
We had visitors in hospital the day DS was born, came home the Thursday evening and by the middle of the next week we had seen everyone that was overly bothered about popping in. We had loads of time to ourselves as visitors only stayed half hour or so.

No one outstayed their welcome. We then had a lovely few weeks to ourselves to get used to it all.
Don’t push people away, you might need them. As wonderful as you’ve painted the first few weeks in your head to be, in reality it’s emotional, uncomfortable and involves a lot of shit, sick and little sleep. You’ll likely appreciate the company to break up the mundane routine that comes with a newborn.
My DH was back at work the Monday after our son was born on the Wednesday. And working in London staying away the weds-fri the first week. DS was 7-10 days old. I survived, it really wasn’t a traumatic time & certainly didn’t need to be shut up just us to adjust.

I gave birth 3 weeks ago and found the pressure to immediately accept hordes of visitors to my hospital bed and home very upsetting. I was induced as DS had stopped growing so there I was with this tiny underweight baby who proceeded to drop 9% of his birth weight, boobs out for feeding and on that god awful hospital electric pumping machine several times a day for half a hour at a time, desperately trying to get as much food into baby as possible, bleeding heavily, unwashed, no sleep, begging DH to make people GO AWAY.

Even then, I would never have included immediate family (parents and siblings) in this, as it was a pleasure to see how much joy and love surrounded my precious baby, even when I was personally not in the best shape.
Things are much better now and happy to host friends and their partners for an hour or so but that first two weeks - big fat NO from Yousee and I regret not being firmer with DH.

I accept that everyone is different but remember your baby is part of a wider family and community, they are excited. Your baby will benefit from having these people in their life. Rather than shut them out and cause long term resentment, invite them in on your terms and get them to help, preparing meals, providing a shoulder for baby to sleep on whilst you grab a nap, send them to the shops to fetch things you realised you need (smaller clothes in my case) but have rules that they leave by 8pm and must boil the kettle themselves. I'm at the stage that the next baby in my life won't be mine, I'm probably too old and have young adult DD's, I benefitted so much from the laid back wisdom my mum had, I hope they can benefit from mine!

I understand how you feel, op, I didn't like having lots of visitors but I did allow both sets of grandparents to come and see their grandchild and they were all quite helpful. I didn't want other relatives or friends visiting in the first few weeks though, would have hated mindless chat and laughter when all I wanted to do was feed my baby and sleep.

I hope all goes well for you and - many congratulations!

(Hope you don't mind me asking but why are you going to be induced?)

It’s up to you at the end of the day. I can understand not wanting people to crowd your hospital bed but I don’t see what all this fuss is about not allowing visitors for the first week or first two weeks when your at home. You sound quite self important to be honest and probably think people are more interested than they really are - I can imagine after they all visited and fawned over your newborn once you won’t see most of them again for quite a while, because other people’s babies really just aren’t as interesting as some parents would like to think.

I disagree that you'll need extended family support if your boyfriend is a decent human being who pulls his weight. This is a first baby, no toddlers in the mix. Two parents can cope with one baby without support from extended family fairly easily.

For me the politics of managing my own mother's demands and expectations around visiting "helping" and advising on her own unhelpful terms were far more difficult than looking after newborns, or even newborns plus toddlers and preschoolers after a cesarean section... My in laws were rather easier and more helpful as it happened...

I think however that people have a point that visitors in hospital are easier to kick out than visitors to your house.

Your parents booking the hotel for a calculated induction date is insensitive and a bit daft - why are they assuming that you'll be induced? You could have the baby at any time up to two weeks after your due date and there's a 5 week window for a full term birth even if ignoring the fact that you're not immune to the risk of premature delivery. I'd point that out and promise a phone call when the baby arrives.

I completely understand about visitors being stressful when you're vulnerable in possibly embarrassing ways having just given birth, leaking, bleeding, in pain or discomfort, establishing breastfeeding etc. I'd have been happy without seeing anyone outside DH and the baby (and for subsequent babies our small children) for the first two weeks after each birth and really didn't want visitors staying or anyone else's "help" during the first trimester at all. The sense of ownership some extended family and even aquaintances sometimes seem to have over newborns was unwelcome and discordant with the fourth trimester and establishing breastfeeding for me each time I had a baby, not just for my PFB.

Interestingly I've noticed that people who push to "have a go" or "have a cuddle" of a newborn are usually just newborn fans looking to gratify their own affection for small babies generally and melt away when babies turn into toddlers. Those who are there for the children as they grow up aren't the ones who pushed to hard for "their share" of newborn time or to be the first to see the newborn.

*fourth trimester not first

What a sensible post, anothermotherone.

Everyone is different. I am very introverted and after the exhaustion of childbirth did not want or have any visitors at all for at least a month. It was also one reason why I did homebirths. The thought of a hospital full of people was just too much to bear unless absolutely necessary.
It’s not about being concerned about how you look or anything, it is simply having energy to care for you & a new baby OR interact with visitors but not both.
DH and I were enough on our own to handle a newborn and my recovery. You don’t “need” help from grandparents.
We drew up the drawbridge and just bonded as our own little family and it was perfect. I was able to snooze and figure out breastfeeding. We had no schedule to worry about.
The only visitor we had was the midwife checking on me and the newborns after the birth.
I do agree when you do let down the drawbridge and allow visitors that all relatives should have equal precedence..his parents and yours although I can understand completely saying hey don’t care which of you visit first, but please coordinate when you do drop by so you are not visiting all at once because that would be overwhelming. So, one set parents in morning, another in afternoon...etc.

I let people visit me in hospital.

My parents and brother/sil and kids on the first night, my fil and 2 friends on 2nd night, home on day 3.

We took baby to my parents the next night to let us go to Tesco and McDonald's (9pm at night as took us all day to get organised) then didn't have any more visitors until baby was 10 days old except maybe my mum.

Mil fell out with me a few days before both 🙄 she has mh issues and didn't meet baby til 18 days.

I found by letting visitors in the hospital it took away the pushing for to come to the house and we had the time to bond.

I think it's very unfair to allow your parents to meet the newest addition and not your partners parents. This is his baby too and his parents are also your child grandparents. I can understand not wanting everyone else but try and be a little reasonable.

Not another one of these threads?!
Don’t be such a princess, you’re not the first person to have a baby. Two whole weeks just you, bf, baby, I wonder who’ll crack first.
Let everyone get a first hello and tbh they’ll not be overly bothered after that. Then go home and hole up.

Bookworm4 your not the first person to have a baby is such a deeply stupid, smug thing to say.

Would you say the same to someone who'd suffered a bereavement or been diagnosed with a terminal illness? Stop being such a princess/ prince, you're not the first one...

So many things happen to everyone yet are a massive, life changing deal.

*you're

@anothernotherone
There has been countless threads on this, does nobody read anything?
The advice is always similar yet here we are same one again.
It’s not smug, it’s incredulity at anyone being this selfish and thoughtless.

Utterly selfish imo, especially the way you are treating his parents like they are less important than yours.

Grow up.

Bookworm4 I'm aware of that, that doesn't change the fact it's the OP's first baby and a life changing, enormous deal to her. "Don't be such a princess, you're not the first person to have a baby" is such a deeply stupid, smug, unpleasant response.

If the threads annoy you don't open them, it's not compulsory. MN is the kind of forum where the same topics do come up, not one of the tight lipped cliquey "the search function is your friend" type forums.

@another
I’ll think you’ll find it’s not ‘deeply stupid’ unpleasant response, it’s my opinion and if that’s what you find unpleasant you have a sheltered life.
OP is being deliberately nasty to her in laws.
I’m afraid I don’t pander to precious people.
Also you’re not the MN police to say whose comments you approve of. Off you trot 🙄

Bookworm4 how ironic that you accuse me of trying to police comments and then use the delightful phrase "off you trot"

I would have loved exactly what you describe OP, but each time I had to endure reams and reams of visitors wanting to pass my baby round like a doll while trying to establish breastfeeding