Don’t want visitors after the birth

[Pinkladyloz]

Ok. Here’s my ideal situation!

• Have my baby with only my boyfriend present.
• Tell (a select few) people the baby has been born but tell them to stay away.
• After a few days, tell my parents they can come and see us at home.
• Close everyone else out. No other visitors for a week to 2 weeks depending on how I feel.

We only give birth to each baby once.
Surely I’m not being over dramatic in wanting the most precious couple of weeks to be just my little family!?
It’s my first baby.
My parents live in Kent but are keen to come up and stay in a hotel and be around from when I’m in labour. I have told them I might not tell them and they didn’t seem impressed. I know they care about me and that’s why, but surely it’s my choice!
They’ve also worked out the date id be induced and booked the hotel for then too.
Kind wishing I’d made up a due date a month later than it really is so didn’t have everyone breathing down my neck !!

I’d like them to be the first the see my baby. Other than them, I really have a STRONG desire to have no visitors for at least a week. Maybe 2. This includes boyfriends family who I know are just going to be at us and at us to visit as soon as they know baby has come.
Boyfriend will want to share the news as soon as baby is born. So I just know they’ll be on us constantly as soon as they find out. And they only live round the corner :(

He’s understanding and knows how I feel and says that’s fine. But I’m worried my parents are going to be here just round the corner with nothing else to do and I’ll feel pressured to let them come and visit straight away and then it’ll set the bar for visitors and we’ll end up just forgetting about the whole plan!

Please back me up!!
Am I mad for wanting this?
It’s 2 weeks of me, my lovely boyfriend and our baby girl that we’ll never get back.
I don’t want to have to put on a front and be anything but myself.
I’m so excited! It’s just the whole seeing people thing that’s bugging me!

@Bookworm4 and @melissasummerfield

The OP is having a baby- it is the most life-changing, terrifying, wonderful, horrifying, amazing, terror-inducing thing that can happen to you.

Everyone is entitled (yes entitled!) to do it how they want- without judgement. It's not selfish or childish, it's perfectly understandable.

Childbirth as an event, is about the mother and baby. Everyone else is secondary, and should have the grace to understand that.

Also, the idea that you won't get any 'help' from family members if you don't let them cuddle the child on day two is shite. Surely grandparents would want to spend time with said kids?

You can say no if you are worn out/tired/need a rest. You can't really say no as you have 'strong feelings' only people you want can see the baby. You will surely only build resentment between your family and yourself and your partner if you honestly think for 2 weeks he should have no say who sees the baby.

OP I can see with your parents actions why you don't want visitors but you should let the grandparents only visit you in hospital.

If possible wing it so your partner's parents come first and your parents only have an hour before the end of visiting time.

Then simply make it difficult for your parents to visit you by saying someone else is always coming or you are tired. They may get the hint and go home.

Yes Hackedoff, agreed.

I can remember having two visitors, both women, and they spent the entire time talking to each other. I would have loved to go to sleep but had to sit with them. They took no notice of my baby. It's quite funny to look back on now.

I hate hospital visitors, dh's parents were only tolerated after dc2's arrival because they brought dc1 who was worried about me but after that... babies are born into extended families who should all care about them too.

I would rather do short limited visits, ideally we go to them early on and get it over with than have them all desperate to see the new baby. Plus that has the added advantage of you being a guest in their home and thus you don't end up having to do the washing up/get brought food/drink.

I would let your parents see the baby at home for a limited period and then go around to the inlaws to let them see the baby again for a limited period.

I think you're being a little self centred tbh. Don't think of it as some kind of experience to post about on Instagram. Do what's best for the baby.

That might be excluding all family or it might be inviting them in to help. You don't know how you'll feel or what the baby will be like.

If you need help eg with feeding or recovery you might welcome the support.

And don't let one set of grandparents visit but not the other, that's clearly a dick move.

I don't want any visitors either but I'm a INFJ and pretty famous for wanting people to keep their distance sadly lol.

There are a couple of threads on MN at the moment from mothers complaining about the lack of help and support from grandparents. You can choose to shut your parents and PILs out from your new baby but you cannot then complain if they fail to show interest and help out when you are struggling to cope.

Visitors are probably OK if they don't stay too long and expect to be entertained and aren't noisy. As for going to see people with the baby, not everyone feels like going out for a while after giving birth.

I would allow one or two short visits from each set of grandparents in the first fortnight. As well as a couple from other close relatives if you want. That still leaves plenty of days with no visitors.
I think you do have to allow some access to the new baby, however, there's no obligation to let anyone dictate terms.
You may well feel pretty rotten after the birth and it's important that you are able to sleep, wander round topless or bottom less, and relax/recover, whilst enjoying the magical time with the new baby.
Personally I just did not feel like seeing anyone whilst in a dirty sleepless state. Yes some people did visit. Those who were considerate and kept the visit short will be welcomed back whereas those who hung around all day staring as I was receiving treatment from midwives, and then took it upon themselves to rearrange my home whilst I was in hospital, will be kept at arms length.
With 2 adults and 1 baby we are easily able to keep ourselves fed and watered and the house clean, we don't really need any help.
People who are genuinely wanting a relationship with your child will be those who also have a positive relationship with you.
I worried a lot about excessive visits and feel really relieved that I've been able to control it. Have just invited people for specific dates and said we have other visitors other days. They don't know what visitors actually came.

I think it's completely reasonable to ask for everyone to wait till after the baby is born to meet him/her. Labour is intense and you are vulnerable - anyone who wants to be present in spite of the birthing mother's wishes is being really unreasonable and unfair and shouldn't have that choice, no matter how much we may understand that their desire to be there or know that labour is happening is because they are excited and full of love. Everyone needs to respect the parents' wishes for labour and in particular the birthing mother's.

So I'm with you on the first bit and think that your parents having booked that hotel for when you will be induced by working out the date themselves instead of by invitation by you puts you under a bit of pressure - I just doubt that they meant it. I would advise a gentle conversation where you show how much you appreciate their love, concern and excitement and explain that all the same you are anxious to be relaxed during the birth and to be able to tell them in your own time after the baby is born.

The next part I do think is very unreasonable of you. I totally get your desire for your parents to see the baby first. They are your parents so you are closer to them than your in laws. But your parents and your in laws have the same biological relationship with your child's. It's unfair to them and to your partner to treat the sets of grandparents differently. I feel very strongly that your in laws should be invited to see the baby roughly from whenever your parents are.

I'm not going to get into the rest of the two weeks, just wanted to back you up on the labour thing but give my opinion that you'd be unfair to treat the grandparents differently.