Feel sad about my birth experience. Failed at hypnobirthing.

[Cocopops2010]

Hi everyone I could do with some advice (and maybe a shake).
Dc is 5 months old and is a lovely baby. Sleeping and feeding well so I have no excuse to feel low. However over the last few weeks I’ve got really down about the birth. I can’t stop thinking about it.
I had done a hypnobirthing course and listened to the MP3s a lot, did the practice breathing etc. I tried to keep an open mind but really wanted a low intervention birth. (I guess everyone does, so I know i’m being silly.)
Anyway baby was two weeks late so was induced. Pessary worked and the breathing really helped. However then my waters broke and the pessary came out and then I was told I had to go on the drip.
It was awful. I tried really hard to keep my breathing and visualisation going but my contractions came on top of each other and I felt totally out of control. After three hours I had an epidural. Anyway the short version is that epidural failed after a few hours on one side, 12 hours later was finally fully dilated failed ventouse and ended up with forceps and episiotomy. 36 hours from pessary to birth.
I don’t know why I feel so sad now. I feel I failed which I know is silly. All the hypnobirthing practice I did told me it didn’t have to be painful etc but I just couldn’t cope on the drip at all. I really wanted to give birth in a UFO position which my NCT class had taught me about but ended up on my back feet in stirrups.
I need somebody to give me a shake and tell me to cheer up.

Well I’m not going to shake you because that sounds like a pretty bad birth ( and must have been really hard for you) but you didn’t fail. It’s not a pass/ fail situation. Hypnobirthing works for some people in some circumstances. But most people find that childbirth hurts like a motherfucker and they’re not zen about it so please please don’t make this into more than just something that didn’t go as you hoped ( and maybe was badly managed- can’t really comment on that). Remember that in the wild loads of women due on childbirth so it’s not like it’s a strength for our species!!

Due on = die in

I'm sorry the birth wasn't how you'd hoped. I was similar to you - did a hypnobirthing course and was planning a home birth. But ended up in hospital for various reasons.

I too felt a little sad and disappointed in myself afterwards. But those feelings lessened over time. Now I look back and I'm glad I did the hypnobirthing even though it didn't turn out as planned. I was much more relaxed during my pregnancy because of it for example.

I know it's hard but try not to over-analyse or feel too sad - it sounds like there were lots of factors completely out of your control. I also found that NCT tends to focus on the ideal birth - which isn't really the reality for most people.

I'm sure other people can offer better advice but just wanted to say, you will feel less sad as time goes on. I found it took about a year for me to stop analysing my DD's birth but now I'm at peace with the way it turned out.

Please don't feel bad. I think hypnobirthing can work if your birth goes a certain way. But mine didn't either. I didn't even get my fairy lights out of my bag

I never got the nice gradual onset of 'surges' where I could watch a film, bounce on my ball and snooze between. My waters broke and within 10 mins I was contracting 3-4 times every 10 mins, each one lasting a minute. By the time I got to hospital and in the pool they were back to back, so the '4 rounds of up breathing and the surge will be over' was bollocks. I had no break to reset my traffic light to 'green' and if my DP had even tried light touch massage I would have decked him.

I thought I was so prepared mentally but turns out my body didn't get the memo and I ended up with an epidural and then an emergency section because when doing the monitoring for epidural they noticed baby was in distress.

Honestly, eight weeks later I couldn't give a shiny shite about it. It was shit but it was just one day of my life and both me and DD are healthy and no lasting injuries. We were bloody fortunate, even if I didn't get to waft room spray around the place.

Also I was upright, forward facing, bouncing, walking, kneeling, never on my back, and I managed to dilate to a mighty 3cm in nine hours My body was shit at labour. But it grew a bloody amazing little girl in there so I can forgive it.

Cocopops I've logged back in after a long time because having had a similarly awful birth, after hypnobirthing, I felt like I had to reassure you!
I was using my hypnobirthing techniques and all geared up for a natural birth when baby was discovered to be back to back and completely stuck. Ended in a very traumatic emergency forceps delivery and a bad third degree tear for me.
I'm wondering if re-framing the whole thing might help? While I obviously would have loved 'to breathe my baby out' or whatever they sell on these courses, I must say that the hypnobirthing really helped me to stay relatively calm when the birth started going horrifically wrong. I still use some of the techniques now if I'm panicking or having a filling.
Don't get me wrong, there were times where I felt so envious of friends and family who had better experiences around the same time. One person had an amazing water birth shortly afterwards, who wouldn't want a birth like that? But as parenting teaches you, things are rarely fair and as time goes on I have distance from my birth. I'm not sure if you plan on any more children just yet but i am planning a very different birth for my next baby which will avoid these problems again and that helps me so much. It might be worth you talking to the birth reflections team at your hospital if they have it, this really helped me have some closure.
Good luck and enjoy your little baby :)

Also just to add another thing that has helped me is I tend to avoid long childbirth discussions with other mums, unless a close friend or family. I just mention that mine was traumatic and change the subject or zone out.

Thank you for your replies everyone.
@soulrunner you're right that I shouldn't make this into more than it was. I didn't feel it was badly managed - the midwives and doctors were very supportive. I think they felt a but sorry for me towards the end actually and kept telling me if I had number two it would be easier.
@irishmamamia and @celebelly I think you're both right in that hypnobirthing did help me keep calm. Towards the end when my body had been stuck at 5cm for over twelve hours despite the drip being up as high as possible the doctor started talking about a c-section being a possibility, but I did feel quite calm about that.
@tigermoon that's reassuring to know. I am sure it will fade with time. I think the main problem is that I told myself that, because in the end the c-section didn't happen when for an hour or so it was looking likely, my birth wasn't that bad. But perhaps seeing all the responses here I didn't have a very easy birth after all and so maybe its understandable that breathing just didn't cut it!

And to the fairy lights, room spray etc...no they didn't even get out of my bag either!!

I had GD and always knew I was going to be induced, so when I did a hypnobirthing course I felt like a lot of it didn't apply to me and I just picked and chose the bits that I liked (the Rainbow Relaxation, for example). If I'd had my heart set on a "hypnobirth" and felt that was possible for me at the time then I probably would have felt the same as you. As it was, I had a 46 hour labour ending in an epidural, ventouse and episiotomy, and I didn't give it a second thought.

Please don't feel like a failure. I felt before I gave birth and still do now that hypnobirthing is only applicable to a certain kind of scenario, and yours (and mine) just weren't it. There is no "better" kind of birth in the same way there is no "better" kind of baby, only the one you have.

You didn't fail. I'm a huge fan of hypnobirthing but it's a method of preparation as much as anything and sometimes, for whatever reason, it doesn't work out. It's a way of feeling more in control but it doesn't mean that we can ever be totally in control because birth (and life) aren't like that. I bet you benefited hugely from all the practice in lots of ways.

You grew a human being inside you and now you have them in your arms. That's one heck of an achievement! View your life with kindsight.

I had a very similar birth to you six months ago. I too felt like I’d failed and that my body had let me down. In fact it was probably about week 2-6 and then month 5 that I felt this very keenly. Now I don’t feel like that at all. I feel like I did a brilliant job growing my little sweet girl and I got her out of me in the end.

Labour is fucking awful but we did it. A highlight for me was being hooked up to the drip and the monitor after having my waters broken and then the midwife in charge came in and put tea lights up on the shelf in front of me 😂.

My local hospital runs something called birth after thoughts. You speak to a qualified midwife and go through your notes together. Might be worth looking in to.

Giving birth isn’t something you pass or fail on or are assessed on. There’s no ‘grade outcome’ or performance that requires improvement. You gave birth, had a difficult time as many women do. Our bodies and babies are all different. We are lucky to live in a country where medical support is available for all births. The whole process of having a baby is like a little miracle. You gave birth to a beautiful baby - congratulations.

I'm sorry that you found labour a difficult experience. I did too.

I agree that you can't really "fail" at hypnobirthing :) I found it helped to see those kinds of things as a tool rather than some kind of aim - the point of hypnobirthing as a "tool" is to keep you a bit calmer and help you to cope with difficult things which are happening. The purpose of it is not to take the pain away or to guard against every possible intervention - for some people with very straightforward births, they will find that keeping calm does keep the pain to a manageable level but unfortunately you've been sold a lie if you believed that it had the power to make your birth pain and intervention free. Labour is difficult enough on its own but it absolutely becomes more complicated when things like induction are recommended. So sometimes things like hypnobirthing are an adequate tool for that job and sometimes the particular birth you're having is a bit trickier and it just isn't - and that's OK. You needed a different tool.

I find the tool mindset is quite helpful when thinking about interventions as well. If you think about the context in which they happened - at two weeks overdue, you had the choice to either wait, with an increasing chance of stillbirth, or try to get labour going - your midwife/doctor might have weighed this one up (or hospital policy) rather than specifically explaining it to you like this, but the induction was a tool - and in the sense of choosing labour over a higher risk of stillbirth it did work. The other interventions that you had would have had risk-balancing reasons of their own as well. If you don't understand a decision that was made during your birth, you can request a debrief which is where they will go through your notes with you and explain what happened.

Sometimes obviously it's the case that a tool/intervention was used where it later turns out it was inappropriate for the situation, but a debrief should help to understand and process what went on.

I was terrified of giving birth and looked into hypno-birthing but couldn't find anything locally at the time. I read a book about it instead (Juju Sundin IIRC), all the way through the author says, it's great if it works but if you need intervention and pain relief, you take it and be grateful it's there.

I was also induced and ended up with forceps and ventouse. DS and I are both alive and well.

Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up for beating yourself up! Being a new mum is hard enough without setting huge expectations.

The drip is absolutely awful. I ended up on the drip as my waters had broken 24 hours previous, it all felt so controlled until that point and then I also had constant, unbearable pain for 3 hours until I had an epidural. I don't think many women manage to get through on hypnobirthing alone with the drip in. You did fantastic don't be down! 💐

You had a tremendously difficult labour, no wonder calm meditation wasn't sufficient. You must have been in agony and exhausted. You did well. You prepared as best you could and none of us can do more than that. X

This is exactly how I felt with my first birth. Labour started naturally but due to high blood pressure I had to go into hospital early and have my waters broken. Then it wasn't going "fast enough" so they gave me the drip. Anyway long story cut short this was followed by unbelievable pain, epidural, forceps, episiotomy. I felt so bitter about my birth for long time. Especially as I felt the drip wasn't exactly needed so could have been avoided easily. Anyway all I can say is you live and learn. I'm nearly due with my second and I am going to make sure this time the drip goes no where near me. Please try not to feel guilty about your birth. These are things you have no idea about until you're in the moment. First births generally don't go exactly to plan so you are definitely not on your own in the way you feel. Anyway try to be kind to yourself and know that your body definitely didn't fail you.

Your body didn't fail you at all it grew a beautiful baby and you both survived. My body did however fail me by causing one of my baby twins to die (full term, c-section when placenta haemorrhaged). I was unconscious throughout. That's what your body failing is.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I feel a lot better.
It’s reassuring that some of you have said that my birth was difficult - I think I wasn’t letting myself think that because I didn’t have a c-section in the end. However seeing it written down I realise that it was not an easy labour at all.
I keep on thinking I should have tried for longer without an epidural but my husband told me I should get one because I was in so much pain, and he was right.
@bertiebotts yes I think hypnobirthing is a tool and for my birth it just wasn’t going to do the job, especially once the drip was in.

@blizzardofbuzzards i’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you are ok

You did not fail at all! I did the same- hynobrthing course and did get to 10cm on gas and air; but needed forceps in the end. In honesty the spinal wasn’t part of my birthing plan but at the time it was the greatest thing in the world, and there is no way forceps etc can be done without pain relief (well, maybe but no blimming thanks). I was gutted at the time which looking back makes me sad as I had a perfect baby in my arms, and feeling back to normal physically 6 weeks on. But you can’t help how you feel, does your hospital or midwives offer birth reflections or something similar to talk it over?

I’m a retired doctor, and I get very angry on behalf of all the poor mothers who think they’ve “failed” at labour because they needed pain relief or a section or forceps delivery, and didn’t manage with a lot of woo fairy lights and whale song.
Childbirth is a severely painful and life threatening experience. Every day, around the world, 800 mothers DIE in childbirth.
Let’s think about that for a moment, shall we? You risked your life to produce a human being, and you did it successfully!
Why are you feeling a failure? Why aren’t you as proud as fuck, of your amazing achievement?!
Listen lady, ditch the “failure” nonsense, and start celebrating yourself!

I think hypnobirthing failed you by giving you unrealistic expectations of what it could deliver.

This is why I didn't do hypnobirthing (not meant in an I told you so way, I thought about it for ages because the idea really appeals) as I knew I would get hung up on the perfect labour and feel bad if it didn't go that way ... and it definitely did not go that way, my experience was similar to yours. As it was in the middle of it I apparently moaned to my husband that I was failing at it because friend X breathed her breech baby out in the water with no pain relief so I was obviously doing shit - and I hadn't even had the epidural yet!

You are amazing! You got a human - same as my friend X, she didn't get a better one than us because we needed pain relief