Does this sound like a normal, reasonable birth experience? Still feeling trauma 3 months on

[Alicia870]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to post on here to have some impartial opinions on whether my birth and recovery experience was fairly normal, or if it would be fair that things could have been managed better for me.

I had my first baby in October last year so we're 3 months on now. I was 6 days overdue when some mild contractions started on Monday afternoon. I bounced on my ball, prepared for labour. I had done my hypnobirthing and felt calm and in control. These contractions continued at a very frequent pace all evening. Hospital said only to come in when they started getting much stronger and less manageable. It was about 2am when I went to hospital with my husband as I was really wanting some advice on how far of dilated at all I was. It's my first baby so didn't know how intense it could get and they were so regular like every 2-3 minutes apart all day. Hospital sent me home as I was only 1cm dilated. I went home, and stayed up all night having these very frequent and regular, but not too intense contractions.
I managed broken sleep of maybe 2 hours. Next day this continued and I rang community midwife who I was boooked in with for a second sweep that day. She said to come along. She gave me a sweep and said it all looked good. I was 3cm - yay!! Surely this would mean baby coming tonight. I was exhausted and frustrated at this point. She said go to xhospital when pains ramp considering I'm already at 3cm.
So I go home and sure as that - pains get more intense and I couldn't really talk through them anymore. By 8pm I go back to hospital. At this stage I was shattered from over 24 hours of contractions. When I get there the pains fade away - what the hell I thought! Midwife examines me and hey presto I'm not 3cm at all- now apparently I'm only 2 at a push. Community midwife was wrong. They can't keep me in and tell me to go home with some co codamol. Midwife says these contractions aren't severe enough but I'm begging saying at home it's unbearable. I don't know what's happening as they are so much worse at home! Sleep?! How could I possibly sleep! So I go home, exhausted, shattered, heart broken!! Knowing the hardest part is yet to come.
The time at home from then on was hideous. Pain started in my back and I felt a constant horrendous pressure down below all the time. I sat on my gym ball and propped myself up with cushions to try and get a couple of minutes sleep between contractions! It was hell.
Went back to hospital at 3am as couldn't take it anymore. They told me baby was back to back and said I'm in spurious labour. I lay in the bath in hospital having more unproductive contractions for another 5 hours.
They then take me to induction bay and finally give me diamorphine. I managed to sleep for one whole hour and was then woken with a brutal contraction. Things ramped up, my water broke and I was now 4cm. Thank god!! Allowed now to have gas and air and eventually remifentanil. Got through the labour (this part although most painful was nowhere near as traumatic as the time spent at home).
Episiotomy given and vacuum used as cord around baby's neck and baby born at 6pm wed after 50 hours back to back labour.
I was violently sick throughout established labour. I was sick in the shower afterwards and all evening after. They gave me tea and toast after.
By the time I got to the ward it was 10pm. I was starving but was told family would have to go get me some from canteen. I was completely beyond shattered. The next day the pain hit me. When I went to the toilet I noticed I was black and blue and so swollen that it looked like I had grown another bum. Sleep deprived and in pain, I hobbled my way to the shower. I hobbled out and walked like John Wayne to the desk while all the midwives sat and watched me struggle my way over tobsay the water was cold. Not once did anyone offer any help. It took me about 40 minutes to manage in the shower. I was so delirious with tiredness I didn't think to ask for help. I just saw the other women get up and go and thought this must be what recovery is like. I hadn't been given and pan relief l I asked for pain relief the next day at 3pm and midwife gave me one diclofenac. She said I'd be going home that night so to take ibuprofen at home. Already the decision was made to send me home before stitches were even checked. An hour before I ended up being discharged, midwife did a quick look and gasped saying you are very bruised and swollen. I said yea it's very sore that's why I asked for pain relief. Again, me thinking this is all very normal. So she saw how bad it was but still wasn't sent home with anything.
I went home and then the pain really kicked in. It was complete agony. Long story short stitches were infected. My recovery from labour has been horrendous. I'm only now starting to be able to sit comfortably but still paying for private physio due to pelvic floor damage and pelvic pain. So sorry for the length of this but is this normal for labour and recovery? Shouldn't I have been checked before it was decided I was being discharged? I guess I just feel that number one, by labour could have been sped up but no one ever suggested induction even though I was absolutely shattered and making no pregression up until almost 2 days later. I also feel there was no consideration given to how much trauma had occurred down below and how long the labour had been before I was kicked out.
I understand midwives are so busy. I'm a health professional myself and get the pressure and strain on the nhs. My midwife during established labour was fantastic. But I still feel anger that I was sent home the second time after I presented having had no sleep 32 hours after my contractions started. If feel like everything was played according to their rules and no consideration given to what I was truly going through and how I feel like I was really just kicked out of hospital learning to breastfeed, having gone through a prolonged labour, with a vagina that loookee like I'd pushed out a house! Maybe I'm being over sensitive. But the thought of going through something like this again terrifies me. I felt so out of control. Everything was happening to me and I hated it all but had no say in anything and such a prolonged recovery. If you've made t to the end of this I applaud you 🙈🙈 I suppose I just want to know am I just being weak or could things have been better managed?

My midwives absolutely did [have the clinical experience] and were spot on. I have to say, the times I felt most vulnerable were with the cons. and regs. who ignored my voice and wishes. My midwives were pretty tuned in, despite my begging for a cs! (at that wonderful moment of realisaton!!)

I found that my pain was dismissed. I've never known anything like my 2 back to back labours (dc1 was also pressing on the sciatic nerve so my legs just folded under me with every contraction for added "fun") and that includes the pain of an infected wisdom tooth, 2 emergency section recoveries which didn't need pain relief at all, falling off multiple horses, out the back of a moving landrover and off a garage roof. Midwives however claimed I didn't look like I was in pain, didn't need an epidural and even when the anesthetist was finally summoned, he tried to talk me out of until he got close enough to see I was shaking with every contraction.

I was also sent home because I wasn't in proper labour...oddly enough with my son's position my contractions never got any more painful even when they were augmented on a drip turned up to full so they can stuff their "latent labour". 75 hours of agony followed by failed forceps and then an emergency section I hallucinated through, NICU stay for dc1 and mental breakdown for me.

Ultimately OP, if you are struggling with what happened, then you struggling and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Wow @ohtheroses you really think midwives are uneducated and lack clinical experience? Midwives like anyone else are human, labour is unpredictable, one size doesn’t fit all but the policies and guidelines don’t account for that, a midwife working outside of those policies and guidelines would soon find herself subject to a malpractice suit as when it all goes wrong there isn’t any evidence to back her up, decisions are made based on evidence and yes evidence is based on the majority that doesn’t work for all but what is the alternative? Intervention carries risk, induction carries risk, caesarean carries risk and natural birth carries risk. No one can predict the outcome we can only use the evidence in front of us at the time. And if you think for one second that demanding a doctors opinion (when there is 1 doctor covering antenatal, postnatal, labour and the gynae ward) means one will magically appear you are sadly mistaken. Welcome to the NHS of today and thank you to the people that voted for it. Meanwhile I’ll carry on working 16 hour shifts to try my best to help those who think I’m uneducated in a failing system.

Catchingbabies no one thinks midwives are uneducated, they are some of the most highly educated nurses and do an amazing job.

But I do think it's a little telling that on this thread OP describes how she was in terrible agony for days, two midwives jump on and tell her that no she wasn't, she was just exhausted (you) and just having very mild contractions (mummyp). This is exactly what happens on the ward as well and I think it's what gets peoples backs up.

I'm sorry catchingbabies for saying this because you are clearly a great HCP and I know you just come on these threads to offer advice, but often end up being called to account for the shit behaviour of any midwife across the country. So I mean any comments in a general sense, not about you and same for you mummyp.

I’m nodding at so many comments as I read this thread. OP I agree those things weren’t or shouldn’t be normal and you were let down, particularly post-natally.

I agree that pain is so hard to
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Whoops
... so hard to quantify and compare. My second birth honestly barely hurt at all (was uncomfortable for 15 minutes) my first birth I thought I might die!

I think what needs to be addressed is how some HCP speak to labouring women and the language that is used. Telling women in pain that they are not in labour, belittling them, laughing at them, is completely unacceptable.

I'm no fan of certain midwives OhTheRoses, the one who told me that ds didn't descend because I hadn't dealt with being raped can burn in hell as far as I'm concerned but I don't think they are all the same. Claiming they are all stupid isn't helpful on multiple levels not least because it makes allowances for bad care, instead of drilling down into what actually went wrong as well as being insulting/inaccurate.

Staffing is an issue, but painting midwives as monsters doesn't help that because it's hardly going to encourage other women into the profession. Paperwork is another issue, especially with things like breastfeeding. Ante-natal classes are another problem I think especially with issues like that of the OP and my first labour. No one mentioned the fact that latent labour could really really hurt/not get any more painful/last a very very long time, they just said go to hospital when you are contracting more than 3 in 10 minutes. So you do, having left it a couple of hours and then discover you're only 2 cms. However when you have a finite number of beds, you can't have women progressing slowly taking them all up so the answer has to be more honest ante-natal care and perhaps finding out whether babies are back to back in the last few weeks/encouraging you to try and turn them.

Finally some midwives are amazing, the midwife in theatre with me for dc2 was wonderful, she (and the OB who delivered dd) were the ones pushing for skin to skin, for me to watch and they made it a magical experience. Left to my own devices I would have shut down completely and gone with a general anesthetic. So we need to encourage more like her into the profession and keep them once they are trained.

Thank goodness you will never need the services of a midwife again ohtheroses.

We had friends who went through much the same - she had contractions for almost a week straight and was repeatedly sent home. A debrief might be useful - but very birth of different and they only have limited resources. You have to believe that they are looking out for your best interests.

Staffing is an issue because women are grateful for free nhs care. If men had babies this would be far less of an issue.

Your labour sounds very similar to mine, 54 hours, the majority of which were spent at home because they wouldn’t admit me, full on contractions, at some points vomiting with the pain and no sleep. Although I had forceps. The staff you had don’t sound on the ball at all, they should have been more attentive. I think the only reason I was topped up with painkillers is because my DH was there pushing for it. If it helps at all I felt traumatised by my experience for some months after but my DD is 20 months old now and I can look back on the experience with more or less no negative feelings. Just feels like it happened to someone else really!

Alicia, I read your opening post with my mouth open. What a horrific experience! Having a baby is supposed to be joyful, what you went through was terrible. I know if that had happened to me, I would never have had another child. It's also pretty dreadful that you were told to take Co-codamol and given Diclofenac, the latter being an abrasive anti-inflammatory. I can't imagine either helped you with labour pain.

Not surprised you were traumatised.

thank goodness it is over - of course it isn't over in your mind.

Izzy24 yes thank goodness I'll never have to deal with them again. However I am quite sure my 2nd and 3rd births were very different because I complained formally and from day one of subsequent pgs was adamant that further care would not mirror the first. I had many apts with the consuktant obs who always gave high quality factual information. There were no issues with the comm midwives in later pgs. Because I refused to see them.

It's a very good job I have an excellent colo-rectal surgeon to put right the balls up that was the birth of ds1. It never should have happened.

I will add that my labour was defined as 'spurious'. I wasn't really given a definition of that at the hospital but on looking it up after it seems it is false labour or prolonged early phase. Perhaps @CatchingBabies could help clarify that?
So when I went to the hospital both times being sent home, my pains seemed to fade away. Midwives told me they could only go off what they could see and based on what was happening at the hospital They weren't severe enough. One of them said it could be because you're more anxious at home and you don't have the support of midwives that it feels worse. But trust me, there were times at home that I would lie down to try and sleep and then 2 minutes later be woken out of my sleep with my whole stomach and back seizing up. It was very painful. I thought I must have been asleep for hours as I nodded off so quick being so exhausted, but when I looked at the clock it was literally 2 minutes 😫the cycle continued. I don't know why the pains faded as soon as I got in the car as they were truly very painful at home. It really did feel like mental torture!

Ah I see ontheroses is here with her hate of midwives and declaring an entire profession as liars and lacking intellect.

I've had shocking care from multiple doctors over the years being professional and making unintelligent comment about my condition at the time (not always related to childbirth).... I can only conclude based on this that all doctors are unintelligent, unprofessional and uncaring

Your birth sounds so typical OP... but it really shouldn't be. I don't know what the answer is but certainly agree that getting a debrief may help.

To the midwives, but anyone that knows ...when your labour is described as 'aggressive', what does that mean medically? During that labour I experienced severe uncontrollable shaking in between contractions, and was unaware of any latent or early labour 'warm-up'. Straight into frequent 2nd stage, 'can't-speak-through', contractions.

I wouldn’t dismiss all midwives as uneducated. There are some amazing ones. But I do think it’s interesting that in this country you have to have better grades and stay in education/training for longer - much longer - to be a vet than a midwife. In other words, you’ve got to go through more education to help a cow give birth than a human woman.

I don’t mean to be offensive to midwives - but I do think it says something about how our society views women’s health.

To be fair a vet does significantly more than the average dr but yes, not many vets let their nurses take charge of any cases although most animals birth better than women as they remained on 4 legs.

People used to die in childbirth - a lot. Men used to die having limbs removed without anaesthetics after battles. Now they are treated by surveons with anaesthetics and are nursed afterwards.

I'm sorry, I had to skim read all of your post as it was too triggering for me.

Both my births were horrific. To be honest, yours didn't sound as bad as mine.

Giving birth is shit. It's dangerous. I actually think we do women a disservice by making out it's this glorious experience when in fact, for most women I know who have shared with me, it's pretty dire. They say we should't talk about it so as not to scare new mums about to give birth, but I'm sure if I had been warned a little, I wouldn't have been quite so bloody traumatised.

That, and we need to sort out recovery care massively. I ended up writing a 15 page complaint letter to the hospital, which the head of maternity was then using as a training exercise for how wrong things can go. I actually can't read the letter. I've blocked everything I went through away. I have my two lovely children, that's all that matters now. Chin up. Cut yourself some slack. You're not weak at all. You will get through this and you will feel better.

Vets have to learn about a whole world of animals, not just one! So no that's not really indicative of anything other than that, and not just birthing either, so again, not indicative.

A good midwife can make all the difference a bad one is just shit and can make difficulties. For things to go well a woman ideally needs to know and trust those around her. If it hadn't been for mine I'd had cs scars now and very different experience.

I have to agree with @catching here with regards to a long latent phase but as others have said to be hobbling around in passion isn't acceptable.... did you actually ask for pain relief and it get denied or ignored or were you just not actively offered it? If the latter then why didn't you just ask?
Fwiw with your stitches being infected..... this takes a few days to occur so no infection would have been visible when you were examined before going home.

Pain not passion!! Stupid phone!

Op, your experience sounds like my first labour, which was also back to back. I ended up with an emcs, an ill baby and was on the verge of a breakdown. Wanted more kids but couldn't face it for 5 years. Dd was born 2 yrs ago via elective section and my third dc by elective only last week. I was not prepared to chance a vaginal birth again. No fucking way.

Many of the midwives I encountered and other nursing staff were great and very kind but were under so much pressure everyone was suffering. A fucking hideous experience all round. No more kids for me but I would opt for an elective section every time.