Does this sound like a normal, reasonable birth experience? Still feeling trauma 3 months on

[Alicia870]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to post on here to have some impartial opinions on whether my birth and recovery experience was fairly normal, or if it would be fair that things could have been managed better for me.

I had my first baby in October last year so we're 3 months on now. I was 6 days overdue when some mild contractions started on Monday afternoon. I bounced on my ball, prepared for labour. I had done my hypnobirthing and felt calm and in control. These contractions continued at a very frequent pace all evening. Hospital said only to come in when they started getting much stronger and less manageable. It was about 2am when I went to hospital with my husband as I was really wanting some advice on how far of dilated at all I was. It's my first baby so didn't know how intense it could get and they were so regular like every 2-3 minutes apart all day. Hospital sent me home as I was only 1cm dilated. I went home, and stayed up all night having these very frequent and regular, but not too intense contractions.
I managed broken sleep of maybe 2 hours. Next day this continued and I rang community midwife who I was boooked in with for a second sweep that day. She said to come along. She gave me a sweep and said it all looked good. I was 3cm - yay!! Surely this would mean baby coming tonight. I was exhausted and frustrated at this point. She said go to xhospital when pains ramp considering I'm already at 3cm.
So I go home and sure as that - pains get more intense and I couldn't really talk through them anymore. By 8pm I go back to hospital. At this stage I was shattered from over 24 hours of contractions. When I get there the pains fade away - what the hell I thought! Midwife examines me and hey presto I'm not 3cm at all- now apparently I'm only 2 at a push. Community midwife was wrong. They can't keep me in and tell me to go home with some co codamol. Midwife says these contractions aren't severe enough but I'm begging saying at home it's unbearable. I don't know what's happening as they are so much worse at home! Sleep?! How could I possibly sleep! So I go home, exhausted, shattered, heart broken!! Knowing the hardest part is yet to come.
The time at home from then on was hideous. Pain started in my back and I felt a constant horrendous pressure down below all the time. I sat on my gym ball and propped myself up with cushions to try and get a couple of minutes sleep between contractions! It was hell.
Went back to hospital at 3am as couldn't take it anymore. They told me baby was back to back and said I'm in spurious labour. I lay in the bath in hospital having more unproductive contractions for another 5 hours.
They then take me to induction bay and finally give me diamorphine. I managed to sleep for one whole hour and was then woken with a brutal contraction. Things ramped up, my water broke and I was now 4cm. Thank god!! Allowed now to have gas and air and eventually remifentanil. Got through the labour (this part although most painful was nowhere near as traumatic as the time spent at home).
Episiotomy given and vacuum used as cord around baby's neck and baby born at 6pm wed after 50 hours back to back labour.
I was violently sick throughout established labour. I was sick in the shower afterwards and all evening after. They gave me tea and toast after.
By the time I got to the ward it was 10pm. I was starving but was told family would have to go get me some from canteen. I was completely beyond shattered. The next day the pain hit me. When I went to the toilet I noticed I was black and blue and so swollen that it looked like I had grown another bum. Sleep deprived and in pain, I hobbled my way to the shower. I hobbled out and walked like John Wayne to the desk while all the midwives sat and watched me struggle my way over tobsay the water was cold. Not once did anyone offer any help. It took me about 40 minutes to manage in the shower. I was so delirious with tiredness I didn't think to ask for help. I just saw the other women get up and go and thought this must be what recovery is like. I hadn't been given and pan relief l I asked for pain relief the next day at 3pm and midwife gave me one diclofenac. She said I'd be going home that night so to take ibuprofen at home. Already the decision was made to send me home before stitches were even checked. An hour before I ended up being discharged, midwife did a quick look and gasped saying you are very bruised and swollen. I said yea it's very sore that's why I asked for pain relief. Again, me thinking this is all very normal. So she saw how bad it was but still wasn't sent home with anything.
I went home and then the pain really kicked in. It was complete agony. Long story short stitches were infected. My recovery from labour has been horrendous. I'm only now starting to be able to sit comfortably but still paying for private physio due to pelvic floor damage and pelvic pain. So sorry for the length of this but is this normal for labour and recovery? Shouldn't I have been checked before it was decided I was being discharged? I guess I just feel that number one, by labour could have been sped up but no one ever suggested induction even though I was absolutely shattered and making no pregression up until almost 2 days later. I also feel there was no consideration given to how much trauma had occurred down below and how long the labour had been before I was kicked out.
I understand midwives are so busy. I'm a health professional myself and get the pressure and strain on the nhs. My midwife during established labour was fantastic. But I still feel anger that I was sent home the second time after I presented having had no sleep 32 hours after my contractions started. If feel like everything was played according to their rules and no consideration given to what I was truly going through and how I feel like I was really just kicked out of hospital learning to breastfeed, having gone through a prolonged labour, with a vagina that loookee like I'd pushed out a house! Maybe I'm being over sensitive. But the thought of going through something like this again terrifies me. I felt so out of control. Everything was happening to me and I hated it all but had no say in anything and such a prolonged recovery. If you've made t to the end of this I applaud you 🙈🙈 I suppose I just want to know am I just being weak or could things have been better managed?

I really don't think men would be left in so much pain for so long and just told to get on with it at home. Their word would be believed, they'd be admitted and given the option of an epidural.

Let's be honest in an ideal world women would be admitted at the onset of labour into a calm and supportive environment. But the pressure on staff and beds means this can't happen - I don't think labouring st home for so long is really the ideal in every scenario. Surely the exhaustion needs to be taken into account.

Inducing labour carries risks for both you and baby, more like to need assisted delivery, more likely to haemorrhage, more likely to have perineal trauma, more likely to need an emergency section, more likely to cause fetal distress, more likely to result in respiratory distress for baby to name just a few so it’s not a decision made lightheartedly.

The guidelines don’t give any timeframe as to when induction should be used to speed up a latent phase of labour, unless your waters have broken, and it’s generally considered best to let nature take its course unless there are indications to intervene as otherwise it’s exposing you to a lot of risks and you need to be able to justify why.

Lets say worst case scenario you induce someone in latent labour and they end up with an emergency section, a massive haemorrhage, a hysterectomy to save their life and a baby on special care being ventilated. You will be asked why did you expose this woman to all those risks, what were the indications? Replying that she was exhausted wouldn’t be considered good enough and you could find yourself subject to a malpractice lawsuit.

I’m not trying to minimise your distress at all and it sounds awful for you, I’m just trying to show how it’s a careful balancing act between leaving well alone (which the evidence says is best to do) and intervening knowing that it might help you but it might also make things a hell of a lot worse.

It really does sound like you would benefit from a debrief so they can look at your notes and tell you why things happened so you can understand more why decisions were made.

@blanchem you wouldn’t have any more access to pain relief in hospital then you would at home as certain drugs are only licenced to be given to women in active labour. Additionally if everyone was admitted as soon as they were in labour we wouldn’t have the staff or the beds to facilitate that and care would be highly unsafe.

For the vast majority of women letting them labour in their own environment is the best thing for them and their labour will progress naturally, for some women this doesn’t work but without a crystal ball to see who this applies to we can’t subject all women to potentially dangerous interventions just in case.

Catching thank you, you've highlighted where the problems lie. 'Being exhausted' wouldn't be considered a good enough reason but the exhaustion comes from being unable to sleep due to pain.
No access to pain relief.
No access to beds.

And not enough staff*

And no access to pain relief and no access to bed all stems from no money. Sadly as we all know the NHS is on its knees.

Oh man 🙈next time (must be up the walls mad to even be thinking about next time) I am opting for c section and that will be that

It is, a sorry state of affairs and it's women who bear the brunt of it. Not just a lack of money but mismanagement much higher up. It must be tough to be a midwife working in these conditions.

@blanchem we are losing midwives by the day, almost every week I wish another colleague luck in the future as they announce they are leaving.

We cannot keep staff any more. A recent study found that for every 30 midwives the NHS trains, 29 qualified ones leave. It’s a huge issue and I can see why they leave.

I love my job but too many times I have come home heartbroken KNOWING that I could have done more for that mother if I had more time or more resrources and it’s absolutely demoralising to be working almost none stop, to be leaving your children on yet another Christmas Day etc. and then feeling like you’re failing women. The long shifts and low pay are bareable when you feel like you’re making a difference but those shifts are becoming few and far between now.

It sounds utterly demoralising. I had no idea the figures were quite so bad! It's a political and institutional issue but you as midwives are at the patients' level and therefore have to deal with the frustration and confusion when things don't go as we would like...lose-lose situation all round

Labour is the only situation in which pain relief is denied.

Paramedic doesn't turn up to a road accident, see the patient screaming in pain with a broken leg and say 'let's just see how we get on'.

Doctor about to operate doesn't say to his patient, we'll not bother with pain relief, let's just see how we get on.

I could have written the first part of you OP re the latent phase.

Things kicked off for me at 3am on the Monday, and I was admitted at 4cm on the Thursday afternoon. That was my third trip to the MLU over that time- the only pain relief I had access to was some co-code mol that I'd been given on the first visit. I had about 8 hours sleep over those four days and at the end was begging for help only to be told that this was "normal" for a FTM. I didn't want them to speed up labour or perform miracles, I just wanted some fucking sleep.

I had a birth debrief which helped massively.

I have spoken to a number of midwives and doctors since about the long latent phase and I've been given the patronising half smiles and "Well, sometimes that happens". It was only at my latest hospital appointment at 29 weeks with DC2 when the midwife I was talking to actually looked me in the face and said "you know what, that was really crap and I can see why you want to do everything to avoid it happening again." It sounds so stupid, but it made a big difference and it was the first time I'd felt a medical professional actually recognised how tough it had been.

It's awful that you have such horrendous memories of your labour and when reading your post, I felt increasingly sorry for you. However, I do agree with Cathingbabies. In regards to the first part of your post. Being sent home in early labour is completely nornal. You were not in established labour, and research suggests women progress faster when in their own home environment. You sounded really panicked and exhausted, but that doesn't warrent being admitted to a busy labour ward and your reaction to what were likely to be mild contractions (in the context of your labour) was not the hospital's problem . Staff would not have induced you at that point had you requesred one It's commonly known to carry risks, and labour following induction tends to be a lot more painful and prone to complications. Did you attend antenatal classes or read up on what to expect? Did your hospital advise you in advance that they wouldn't admit you until you were in established labour? I think that's pretty standard practice around the country. The first part of labour can take days, and there's really nothing more that the midwives could have done. I do think you're overreacting about that aspect of your experience. It wasn't ideal but wasn't the hospital staff's fault either.
I definitely agree that your treatment post birth was unacceptable. You should not have been ignored when hobbling around the ward following your shower. Did you have a button at your bedside to call for assistance? Did you ask for help to the shower for example? Did you speak up and say you were feeling exceptionally bruised and swollen? Was there a red cord you could have pulled im the shower? If you didn't speak up, and you do opt to make a complaint, that might be taken into account. Contact the hospital for a debrief with a midwife , or you can accesd PALS I believe and register a complaint about your experience if you feel that would be necessary.

MtsPWorkingMummy isn't it really the OPs opinion that matters on whether the contractions were "mild" or not? She was the one experiencing them, if she says it's to painful and she can't cope, then she should have been believed.

Sounds horrible for you but sadly it also sounds normal enough for the NHS experience, if I can compare with my own first birth which was also in the NHS. I also had a prolonged latent stage (pretty common in many first births, I think, as your body figures out what to do) and once I finally was admitted after 24 hours was left to get on with it, pretty much. Very little help or support and just the standard gas and air etc.

There is an assumption in the NHS system and in many healthcare systems that women are exaggerating and whining when it comes to birth pain, sadly. After shift change during my labour, a new midwife came on duty and I was in terrible pain and she said to me 'well, did you not realise that labour was going to be painful?'

Just an awful attitude that is borderline misogynist. What I found hardest was how out of control I felt as a woman in the system. There was no choice for me, I just had to follow procedures and the assumption was if you asked too many questions, or 'made a fuss' you were being difficult and basically a PITA for the staff. It's a horrible attitude.

I agree you should have a debrief with the staff and found out what went wrong because the pain you were in for so long and the level of swelling and problems with your stitches afterwards sounds very wrong. You should have definitely been given better postnatal care.

Oh op, really hear the distress in reading that. Both trauma is so common in women, and men too! Even though s not happening to them they find it traumatic to be alongside women going through the trauma. So if its so traumatic just watching, well...

Its a lot easier for someone who is confident with birthing women than to be the first time mum with no idea how this is going to go, or what to ask for/demand as a right.

Normally going home will speed things up and going to hospital can slow things down. It seems to me to make sense to be at home, but completely pointless if you are not coping, for whatever reason.

Congratulations though!!! And well done proud mum!

*birth

It was definitely a clear failing to have not frequently checked you post partum, with that level of swelling. I remember my downstairs being very well monitored after one of mine as it looked like an axe attack and I couldn't check it for myself I was too traumatised to. Despite being told repeatedly to get on with it, I didn't. I have heard horrible reports of birthing treatment, I am just glad you came here to speak out and found such support and hope that will make a big difference to the strength you feel to get your answers and be able to move on.

@MrsPworkingmummy yea I did have access to all those things. Was I in the mental frame of mind to actually know that I
Could use them? No. I don't want my post to sound like I'm bashing midwives at all. The only midwife I didn't think was amazing was the one on shift the day I went home. Only because i felt I wasn't taken seriously when i asked for pain meds and wasn't checked until a couple of hours before an already decided discharge.
Yes I knew latent phase could be long, I prepared for labour, read all the books, did all the hypnobirthing. I can't just kick my heels up when I have a crap labour - I know that. It's not anyone's fault that that's how my body laboured. But going through that was truly physically and emotionally traumatic. I felt like I was this insignificant person in this whirlwind where I desperately wanted to manage but that really was taken away from me with such sleep deprivation and poor progression. I felt so out of control and like I was being subjected to torture and when you've been having unproductive pain for that long, it feels like it's for no reason. My motivation was gone and I was powerless. Just labouring with no end in sight. That's how it felt. Of course I am so thrilled my baby girl is here safe and sound. I don't mean to sound like I'm overdramatising things. I'm just maybe using this as a tool to get some of the trauma out of me and onto something else.
I honestly think midwives are amazing and loved almost every one I encountered. It's a shame they are so limited in what they can do to support women in times where they are the most traumatised and vulnerable

I also know that other women have much worse birth experiences. I don't want to sound like I'm just having a huge moan and that's probably how it does sound. It's just that this is such a huge event in my life that will be with me forever and I wish it could have been different. I'm so grateful for a healthy baby and my heart goes out to anyone who had a similar or worse experience

Sounds a lot like my first birth t hat ended in general anaesthetic and emergency cesaerean. The pain was so horrific I was trying to get out of my skin into the floor and walls and away from the pain - doesn't makesense does it? But I was so delirious by that point I wasn't in my head any more as pregnancy was reversing, the baby was dying and 36 hours into it they finally decided to check why I wasn't dilating any more. Everyone always smugly said "don't worry, you soon forget the pain!", but it was the most horrific experience of my life and I refused to ever go through labour again. Elective csecs were heaven.

I actually made a complaint to the hospital about my treatment in early labour. It was eventually upheld after the MLU dismissively told me early labour isn't painful. My latent phase wasn't as long as yours op, but was somewhat prolonged. I was admitted at 3cm with 50 second contractions every 4 minutes which were intensely painful. The midwives refused me anything other than diahydracodeine, which was useless. They didn't even offer gas and air. I repeatedly asked for more pain relief including epidural and was told I wasn't far enough along (confusing as I attended antenatal classes at the same hospital and told 3cm was fine for epidural) I subsequently looked at NICE guidelines for epidural and there's no minimum dilation needed for it. So to say that there is, particularly by a midwife up thread, is very concerning. My baby was also in an awkward position and I was eventually given an epidural at 9cm when it became clear my cervix wasn't fully dilating. I did need forceps in the end and like you had a difficult recovery.
The initial midwives identified my baby was in an awkward position, and my repeated requests for pain relief at an early stage meant latter epidural and intervention was very likely (as the hospital later admitted) so there really was no benefit to withholding pain relief. It just meant I was utterly exhausted, whereas I might have been able to rest.
It makes me so angry when people are dismissive of labour pains. It can be incredibly painful and it is up to individual women to decide what they can tolerate. I understand wanting to avoid unnecessary intervention, but an exhausting prolonged latent stage makes intervention highly likely. Women are ultimately expected to put up and shut up.

And ultimately op, if you found it traumatic, it was. Regardless of what anyone says on this thread. Look to getting a birth debrief and discuss with your doctor or midwife of it is still affecting you (I still find it hard to think about over 2 years later) I would also recommend looking at birth trauma support family on Instagram and birth better.

Mon I found all the reasons I was denied epidurals each time confusing. I wasn't in enough pain, it was too earth, it was too late, they didn't want me to have one as I'd look back and feel happy I'd had a natural birth, the anesthetist had been called away so 'we would see' which prompted me to keep asking and was dismissed 'oh, he's still busy' each time. My mum told me afterwards that she didn't want to upset me at the time but that she was very angry at the midwife as when I wasn't looking, she kept winking and laughing at my mum so it was clear she was lying and I would never have had an epidural.