Does this sound like a normal, reasonable birth experience? Still feeling trauma 3 months on

[Alicia870]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to post on here to have some impartial opinions on whether my birth and recovery experience was fairly normal, or if it would be fair that things could have been managed better for me.

I had my first baby in October last year so we're 3 months on now. I was 6 days overdue when some mild contractions started on Monday afternoon. I bounced on my ball, prepared for labour. I had done my hypnobirthing and felt calm and in control. These contractions continued at a very frequent pace all evening. Hospital said only to come in when they started getting much stronger and less manageable. It was about 2am when I went to hospital with my husband as I was really wanting some advice on how far of dilated at all I was. It's my first baby so didn't know how intense it could get and they were so regular like every 2-3 minutes apart all day. Hospital sent me home as I was only 1cm dilated. I went home, and stayed up all night having these very frequent and regular, but not too intense contractions.
I managed broken sleep of maybe 2 hours. Next day this continued and I rang community midwife who I was boooked in with for a second sweep that day. She said to come along. She gave me a sweep and said it all looked good. I was 3cm - yay!! Surely this would mean baby coming tonight. I was exhausted and frustrated at this point. She said go to xhospital when pains ramp considering I'm already at 3cm.
So I go home and sure as that - pains get more intense and I couldn't really talk through them anymore. By 8pm I go back to hospital. At this stage I was shattered from over 24 hours of contractions. When I get there the pains fade away - what the hell I thought! Midwife examines me and hey presto I'm not 3cm at all- now apparently I'm only 2 at a push. Community midwife was wrong. They can't keep me in and tell me to go home with some co codamol. Midwife says these contractions aren't severe enough but I'm begging saying at home it's unbearable. I don't know what's happening as they are so much worse at home! Sleep?! How could I possibly sleep! So I go home, exhausted, shattered, heart broken!! Knowing the hardest part is yet to come.
The time at home from then on was hideous. Pain started in my back and I felt a constant horrendous pressure down below all the time. I sat on my gym ball and propped myself up with cushions to try and get a couple of minutes sleep between contractions! It was hell.
Went back to hospital at 3am as couldn't take it anymore. They told me baby was back to back and said I'm in spurious labour. I lay in the bath in hospital having more unproductive contractions for another 5 hours.
They then take me to induction bay and finally give me diamorphine. I managed to sleep for one whole hour and was then woken with a brutal contraction. Things ramped up, my water broke and I was now 4cm. Thank god!! Allowed now to have gas and air and eventually remifentanil. Got through the labour (this part although most painful was nowhere near as traumatic as the time spent at home).
Episiotomy given and vacuum used as cord around baby's neck and baby born at 6pm wed after 50 hours back to back labour.
I was violently sick throughout established labour. I was sick in the shower afterwards and all evening after. They gave me tea and toast after.
By the time I got to the ward it was 10pm. I was starving but was told family would have to go get me some from canteen. I was completely beyond shattered. The next day the pain hit me. When I went to the toilet I noticed I was black and blue and so swollen that it looked like I had grown another bum. Sleep deprived and in pain, I hobbled my way to the shower. I hobbled out and walked like John Wayne to the desk while all the midwives sat and watched me struggle my way over tobsay the water was cold. Not once did anyone offer any help. It took me about 40 minutes to manage in the shower. I was so delirious with tiredness I didn't think to ask for help. I just saw the other women get up and go and thought this must be what recovery is like. I hadn't been given and pan relief l I asked for pain relief the next day at 3pm and midwife gave me one diclofenac. She said I'd be going home that night so to take ibuprofen at home. Already the decision was made to send me home before stitches were even checked. An hour before I ended up being discharged, midwife did a quick look and gasped saying you are very bruised and swollen. I said yea it's very sore that's why I asked for pain relief. Again, me thinking this is all very normal. So she saw how bad it was but still wasn't sent home with anything.
I went home and then the pain really kicked in. It was complete agony. Long story short stitches were infected. My recovery from labour has been horrendous. I'm only now starting to be able to sit comfortably but still paying for private physio due to pelvic floor damage and pelvic pain. So sorry for the length of this but is this normal for labour and recovery? Shouldn't I have been checked before it was decided I was being discharged? I guess I just feel that number one, by labour could have been sped up but no one ever suggested induction even though I was absolutely shattered and making no pregression up until almost 2 days later. I also feel there was no consideration given to how much trauma had occurred down below and how long the labour had been before I was kicked out.
I understand midwives are so busy. I'm a health professional myself and get the pressure and strain on the nhs. My midwife during established labour was fantastic. But I still feel anger that I was sent home the second time after I presented having had no sleep 32 hours after my contractions started. If feel like everything was played according to their rules and no consideration given to what I was truly going through and how I feel like I was really just kicked out of hospital learning to breastfeed, having gone through a prolonged labour, with a vagina that loookee like I'd pushed out a house! Maybe I'm being over sensitive. But the thought of going through something like this again terrifies me. I felt so out of control. Everything was happening to me and I hated it all but had no say in anything and such a prolonged recovery. If you've made t to the end of this I applaud you 🙈🙈 I suppose I just want to know am I just being weak or could things have been better managed?

Early*

Sounds similar to my first and posterior labour. Didn't realise how nad it had been until dd was born. Anterior and better midwives.

All women shoukd do or be advised thus.

Review by dr re position and cord (scan) prior to labour or in early labour. Asknfor posn of baby to be confirmed by 37/38/39 weeks.

Always ask for a dr's opinion rather than a midwive's at any stage.

It was shocking care op. Shocking.

@moncwf I assume you’re referring to me when you “midwife up thread” I didn’t actually say that you can’t have an epidural at 3cm dilated as you state I did. I said certain pain relief isn’t licenced until you are in established labour, depending on the hospital policy established labour is considered as being 3 or 4 cm dilated.

@blanchem That’s disgusting and I hope you complained, how dare they decide what pain relief you can have!

Hence why blanche you insist upon being reviewed by a dr and if they say no ask for the denial to be written in your notes otherwise they will say you didnt

Yes sorry, CatchingBabies, didn't scroll back to quote your name.
NICE guidelines don't require a specific dilation though. What I don't understand is why the reasoning for not given pain relief or admitting wasn't explained to me, or op by the sounds of it. I have to give advice iny profession and I if I completely omitted an option instead of giving my advice on what was preferable or advisable in the circumstances I would be rightly reprimanded by the regulator. Instead, in my case, I was not given any option/explanation other than 'no' by the midwives who were responsible for me, then this was upheld as being absolutely appropriate by their manager when I complained.

I had a veyr long drawn out first labour with dc1 and it was horrendous.
Key differences:

It was all in hospital as I was veyr overdue, and it was managed
I was offered pain relief (gas and air)
Once I had been in labour for 24 hours, they said enough was enough because I wasn't progressing, (still only 2 cm dilated) and I was then put on an induction drip, and offered an epidural
After birth I was kept in for 2 night instead of 1, and checked and examined.
After birth I was checked as I went for shower etc (although that may have been because of epidural)
I was starving when I got back to ward and was only offered tea and toast as well (after 36 hours no food)

So overall I think your labour was very badly managed.
I also think that once the midwife saw how black and blue you were, she should have made sure you were seen by a doctor, sent home with pain relief, and that community midwife should then have visted and kept an eye on it.

One word of reassurance though, I have 3 DC and labours 2 and 3 were short, easy and very positive experiences, so please don't think this is how it would be if you ever had another one

Oh and yes DC 1 was back to back, it is MUCH more painful than normal labour, to the extent that in labour 2, the nurse asked me if my first labour had been back to back, as I was much further on than I thought I was due to much less pain

Place marking so I can post properly later but I don’t think birth reflections without other support is helpful.

Having had a first posterior labour I am of the opinion that presenting pisition before or in early labour should be checked by an obstetrician and a proper plan made with options. There is absolutely no need in the 21st century for labours to be "hit and miss".

As a 58 year old who has since had pelvic floor urinary issues ever since and has lately developed a weak anal sphincter muscle and rectocele leading to faecal incontinence, there needs to be significantly improved understanding of the long term impact of these difficult labours.

Had I had better info even 24 years ago I'd have elected for a caesarian. Far greater importance needs to be given to the long term finsncial, emotional and physical costs of such labours.

Imo midwives are not equipped intelkectually to consider risks like these. I have heard so much claptrap coming from the mouths of midwives it is frightening. Like the op after my first birth there was plenty of time for giggling, milling at the nurse station and inappropriate comnents. Very little willingness to provide holistic, nursing care that would have involved some actual work.

In later labours I insisted on obstetric input. Hugely different experiences.

I'd think about a home birth. It's such a different experience when you're not rushing anywhere, midwives are in your home with just you to look after and you can have your family and friends as well as your DH if you want for support.

Back to back is v painful but second births are likely to be easier.

I hope you feel better and don't think you're weak after getting through all that! That's the last thing you are! You are one brave tough mudder!

Catching I thought it was the norm, I've not been allowed an epidural with any birth and on two occasions was told it was too late although was refused admission until the very, very last minute of giving birth.
I know the reality is lack of staff, ect so a complaint is pointless as my experiences would be explained away to fit in with guidelines.
Roses I would never have been listened to re demanding to see a doctor or have certain things written in my notes although those things would be ideal.

I had 5 day labour.......contracting every 5 mins for 3 days then 2.5 mins for 2 days. Waters were broken laterally for me and son was back to back.
I went in a few times to hospital sent home 3 times......went back to be induced when luckily I was 8cm...
I think I have a pretty high pain threshold so never asked for any pain relief but I'm sure if I was in agony I'd probably have made it clear that I wasn't leaving until I got any.
The no sleep for 5 days was the mindfuck not the pain.
I think if you still feel traumatised by it then get some counselling if you feel you can't move past it x

Very interesting reading all the different stories and opinions.

I was sent home at 4-5 dilation and waters broken. When I called again I was told I wasn't further forward as I could talk. I ignored this, went back insisted they examine me, I was 9cm dilated.

The midwife totally missed my baby was back to back and this wasn't discovered until (after 4 days of labour) a consultant was called because baby was in distress.

The consultant delivered baby with forceps after seeing she was back to back, cord twice round her neck and meconium in waters.

All of the above took place without any pain relief.

I'm not sure why if I have any other proceedure I am treated as a human and given pain relief and care. Having a baby meant I was really not believed or consulted in any way.

Arbitrary rules like if you can talk on the phone meaning you are not in established labour should be scrapped and women should be treated with respect and bodily autonomy.

Op, don't apologise for 'moaning' or for the fact that it could have been even worse. Since when was 'not the worse case scenario' the gold standard?

You felt it was traumatic, you were the woman that went through it. You should know.

Why wouldn't you have been listened to Blanche? I admit one does have to be firm with them.

Oh because I was there. I wasn't being listened to. I'm not meek, I can communicate very well even when in the worst pain of my life. I think I tolerate pain very well and tend to very quiet rather than loud or screaming, I was also fully made up which was commented on also (my appearance) that is just me. I am very direct. I said I required pain relief and was specific about the type I would be having, only to be met with smiles and vacant looks. If I'd have asked to speak with a consultant or doctor, I'd have been asked why, as my pregnancy was low risk and I had to complications. That they were busy or at home.

Not being listened to or taken seriously would be my biggest complaint about labour and after.

And I've heard hundreds of similar stories on here too. To the point MN started a campaign on aftercare after giving birth.

Totally agree, Blanche and Opal. Women are just not listened to when they are in labour pain. In any other situation, hospitals have the pain scale where they ask you to self estimate your pain from 1-10 and the patient is listened to. Yet during birth the default assumption seems to be that women are just whining or exaggerating the pain.

I blame the ‘natural’ birth movement for a lot of the nonsense women have to deal with in labour. Spreading the myth that pain is entirely within the sufferer’s control if they just breathe the right way is so pernicious. I certainly found that breathing through the pain works in early labour, for 24 hours or so, but then exhaustion sets in, fear grows that something is wrong and the pain only gets more intense from there. Natural birth cruelly suggests that all women can cope with labour pain if they are strong enough when really every labour is an individual experience with lots of different factors that can cause complications. A lot of it is just the luck of the draw depending on baby’s position, labour progression and so on.

I think part of the problem is also that not all women have the same pain.

So for Dc2 and 3 I gave birth without any pain relief and it was a veyr positive experience. But for Dc 1 it was awful. That is partly I think 1st birth v. subsequent births, partly because he had a huge head (it was never measured but baby hats aged 3-6 months didn't fit) Partly because he was back to back, and partly because I was stuck not progressing, and the pain piles on top of the exhaustion.

So there is an assumption that women who complain are not in more pain, but are just a bit of a wuss.

inion yes, absolutely.

I swallowed it hook, line and sinker. I prepared with hynobirthing. My birthplan is a masterpiece of naivety. I was to have a water birth while breathing golden light against the 'sensation' (not pain, you understand).

I felt huge pressure to prove myself by having no pain relief and being natural etc. Again, in what other scenario would there be pressure not to have pain relief or a rating on how you coped?

You are totally right, births are a total luck of the draw. The care, whilst in labour, should not be.

I also had a back to back labour. It was absolutely horrendous, with a very long recovery and long lasting injuries. You have my every sympathy.

However, I was given strong pain relief post birth and sent home with very strong drugs and was monitored carefully by GP.

You did not receive adequate care.

Can anyone predict accurately the course of labour? Yo can go from 0-10 in a blink of any eye or take days. I know a couple of women personally that had to be lifted from the car park having been told to go home or go it for a walk. All the stories on here tell us how unreliable labour progression predictions are. There have been parts of my labours that have been steady progressions, and the other extreme literally popping open (perhaps not my finest hour or possibly my best, but anyhow), being in aggressive labour, etc. All different for each woman and between labours.

I did have amazing midwives, who did seem to preempt my birthing needs and be aware of events unfolding, although also very hands off.

The thing about food/starvation of birthing and lactating DMS is disgusting, and I have experienced starving under the nhs, its inexcusable, they have inflexible and ridiculous rules that make ill and new DMs suffer.

It can't be predicted accurately but an informed risk assessment should take place. I question whether mw's have the clinical expertise to do so.

I had my baby 36 years ago and this sounds like horrific, awful care or lack of care.
I'd have been ashamed as a nusrse myself to let someone carry on in this state.
Personally I think you need to get some counselling or you will have problems for many years to come.
You were ignored when vulnerable and exhausted. I'd have roasted those nurses over an open fire if they had been under my charge.

And you must make a formal complaint.