Advised not to go for VBAC and am devastated

[Kaito16]

Hi all,

My first post on Mumsnet - hope I’m doing it right.

I had DS 2.5 years ago and am due with my second child in 3 months.

With first DS my waters broke and 18 hours later I was only 4cm and not progressing further so I was given the induction drip which successfully got me to 10cm fully dilated within a few hours and ready to push. I pushed for about 1.5 hours but to no avail. Baby was not coming out/stuck. I was rushed to theatre not knowing whether they would do an instrumental or c-section. Once we got there and they assessed me they decided an urgent c-section was required.

My little boy came healthily and we were pleased but I struggled emotionally to come to terms with having a c-section as I had my heart set on a vaginal birth and is something that as a woman I feel is important for me to experience.

So I met with the obstetrician who delivered my son today to discuss the birthing plan/options for my #2 due in 3 months. To my huge disappointment and devastation, he was extremely strongly encouraging me to opt for a planned c-section. He felt that a VBAC may not be successful for me because the reason for my first c-section was not a one-off occurrence (such a fetal distress) or a slow progressing labour. I still needed a c-section after getting to full dilation and pushing for a while, possibly suggesting that the shape of my pelvis was not allowing the baby to pass through effectively. Something he thinks may be likely to happen again (although no one knows until you get to that point).

He acknowledged that we would not know until I tried but if I tried a VBAC and then induction or emergency c-section occurred then this could have serious risks for myself and my baby.

I am so torn between my personal desire for a VBAC so I feel fulfilled as a women but now can’t help but think whether I would be selfish to go for this when I know full well what the risks would be. I would not be able to forgive myself if something went wrong with a VBAC and I knew it was because I went against medical advice because of my personal desire to deliver vaginally.

All I read all over the internet is how much you should push for a VBAC if you want it and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Does this mean I should go against the advice of a well trusted and hugely experienced doctor?

I read constantly of women saying a VBAC was empowering for them and helped heal their trauma and guilt from their first c-sections. This is what I desperately wanted for myself but I just cannot see logically see I can go against the advice of a doctor with over 30 years experience who I trust and value his opinion, and instead take the risks of a VBAC as he explained them.

I feel like I have no options left and that this and God-willing any future children I have will all have to be by c-section. I don’t know how I will come to terms with this. :(

“It is not okay to go around saying that the only way to be fulfilled as a woman and not let your child down is to have a natural birth”

Everyone has the right to feel the way they do about their own births.

Completely agree @minifingerz

Kuolu

G ev

I truly hope you get clarity with a second opinion, and clear this sense of loss you have. C-sections save lives, and ultimately its that moment of knowing your child is alive and well that should truly matter.

I had always hoped for VBAC with my ds which turned into a very calm and relaxing EMCS. After 18 hours, him pooping, his heartbeat dipping drastically at every contraction and only dilating 2cm the entire time, I was scared and just wanted him safe in my arms. The only negative about the whole experience was one of the 'professionals' in the room giggling and loud whispering that my beautiful baby looked like E.T. ! Thankfully for him, I was too taken by ds that I brushed it aside assuming I had heard wrong. Otherwise, I would have been his worst nightmare and it would have spoiled this wonderful moment more than the comment itself could.

I hope you are happy with whatever happens in the end, and both you and baby are well. You created, carried, laboured and regardless of how, brought life forth. You should feel empowered by that.

Yet another post from someone projecting their own emotions and experiences onto the OP’s situation, and trivialising her feelings about her birth.

:-(

I had a terrible birth with dd1 and would have jumped at the chance to have a cs with dd2.

However I had a natural birth with dd2, no time for epidural and only gas and air and yes, I did feel empowered after the shitty first experience.

I'm not sure I'd go for vbac if I'd been advised not to, but I'd definitely get a second opnion if I really wanted it.

@minifingerz Which post is that?!

@minifingerz In case it is mine: If you feel I am trivializing the OPs feelings, you are very wrong. I am sympathizing and hoping she takes solace and strength in other people's experiences, like mine. I was just like the OP and really wanted VBAC, but instead had a calm CS. I was in a very similar situation, but I have come to terms with it. If OP's feelings can be changed, fine. If not, also fine. But as she is on here, she is asking for advice and advice comes from experience, which of course we are going to talk about to help her come to her own conclusions or at least feel better in herself. No one is wringing her wrist forcing her to accept their ideals. If you are unhappy with advice given, fair enough, but do not assume all other posters's are here to dismiss the OPs worries, and attack their well intended post.

@Kaito16 I will repeat my support for YOU and your general wellbeing. I really hope you get clarity from a second opinion and are happy with whatever happens in the end. Good Luck.

“C-sections save lives, and ultimately its that moment of knowing your child is alive and well that should truly matter“

Translation: “The only thing which really matters is that you have a well baby. I’m reminding you of that in response to your expression of feelings of loss about your birth’

@minifingerz this is a discussion forum, not an echo chamber. As usually happens, OP has been given a range of opinions relating to her situation. Many contributors, myself included, have attempted to reassure her that a CS itself is not an awful experience even if it is not what you want. They have also tried to give her an alternative perspective, that if she has to have a CS then that too can be empowering.

I think some people are taking the OP's post personally when it wasn't meant that way. She's allowed to have her own feelings and preferences about birth, I don't read it that she thinks anyone who has a C section should feel disappointed, that's just how she feels about her own individual experience.

OP, if I were you I'd ask for a second opinion. If the second opinion is still that you should go for ELCS I'd then try and make peace with that. However, as others have said, obstetricians do differ in their approaches on this and I know others who were in your exact same situation with their first DC (from what you've said here) and went on to have a successful VBAC second time round.

Good luck, and try and keep an open mind either way!

@minifingerz
"C-sections save lives, and ultimately its that moment of knowing your child is alive and well that should truly matter."

You had to have a c-section to save you and your baby. It was not a failure but a means to an end. Take comfort in knowing that you and your baby made it and are well.

I had a VBAC which was a disaster. Both baby and I ended up in intensive care for a week, separately. My VBAC was actually in line with medical advice, but still every day I feel guilty and sorry I put my child in danger because I wanted to experience childbirth properly, and didn't want major surgery again. If I had my time over I would have had an elective section.

What I think I'm saying is, you're playing out in your head a best case scenario of vaginal birth, how you would want it to be. Think instead of how you would feel if something went wrong and your child was harmed, as mine was. This might help you to make peace with it.

“In reality, birth is dangerous. Women die. Babies die. There is a time and a place for hippy shit and it's not the labour ward.“

The time for that ‘hippy shit’ is labour, because, guess what? Supporting the normal physiology of birth through a whole host of things I’ve no doubt you would describe as ‘crunchy nonsense’ often results in fewer women ending up with dysfunctional labours.

Jeeze, people talk about birth fascism - it’s in full throttle on this thread.

“She's allowed to have her own feelings and preferences about birth”

No - she’s not.

She’s clearly being sneered at, ticked off, belittled, ridiculed and chastised about her feelings about her birth. :-(