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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

did i give birth wrong?

35 replies

kristrose · 31/05/2018 15:24

basically in 2016 i gave birth to my daughter (1st). i had my waters broke at half two then at qutar to 3 i had pethidine cause i couldn't cope with the pain anymore. i fell asleep and when i woke up i felt so drowsy and horrible,i was confused too. i felt so embarssed the way when i woke up because i was so out of it. my midwifes shift ended and i had two new midwifes. i tried pushing for ages.

i ended up pushing and got to tired so i had a male doctor in to assit me,i had a ventouse delivery. i just physically couldn't push anymore. i only had my babys father in the room,i was scared,tired and didn't know what to expcect.

my mil told me i should've just pushed and then my lg would've been born earlier,i did try my hardest but i physically couldn't push anymore that's why i had the ventouse. but shes making me feel so horrible and like i done it wrong. i thought theyd be grateful i got her granddaughter out not critising me for not pushing. i tried my hardest and i feel horrible,im due to give birth in October and I'm petrified of giving birth again,im really sorry if i rambled on and this don't make sense. but shes really hurt my feelings,she wasn't even there in the room and she keeps acting like she knows everything about when i was in labour. maybe I'm just getting a little dramatic but? my babys father was annoyed that i had a male doctor delivering our lg. i didn't purposely do it! i just couldn't physically do it anymore! why cant people just see that instead of trying to make me feel like i done it wrong:(

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 31/05/2018 15:29

my babys father was annoyed that i had a male doctor delivering our lg.

Op are you in an abusive relationship? Do you think you could benefit from speaking to women’s aid?

HeedMove · 31/05/2018 15:29

Of course you didnt do anything wrong..sometimes people need help hence the reason for ventouse and forceps assistance. Your baby is here now safe why does it even matter now. Id tell them to drop it and leave you alone. As for the babys father is he your partner. He needs to get a grip about the male doctor. Would he rather you had no help and your baby had perhaps got distressed, which also wouldnt of been your fault by the way. Tell them to get off your case about the birth shes here and you are both healthy thats all that matters.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 31/05/2018 15:29

And no, you didn’t give birth wrong. You and baby are alive.

TammySwansonTwo · 31/05/2018 15:32

Oh my lovely, of course you didn’t do anything wrong.

Before medical intervention became commonplace, women still had problems delivering babies - the difference is that many of those women and babies died. Your MIL should be relieved that you are both safe and well. No one else has the right to comment on your birth.

I sort of understand how you feel - I had to have an emergency section because one of my twins stopped moving and I had no idea at all. I still feel so much guilt that I didn’t know he was dying - he’s had a lot of health issues and I’ve carried a lot of guilt about it. I only went to the hospital because I felt really unwell and I nearly didn’t go at all, my midwife made me!

One thing I won’t stand for is anyone criticising me having a c section - those staff saved my boys and my life, no question. without them we would all be dead. Someone tried to tell me once I could have avoided if I’d trusted my body more - she came to regret that comment.

I’m also very concerned about this part: my babys father was annoyed that i had a male doctor delivering our lg - What has he said / done about this? This isn’t normal.

MrsJayy · 31/05/2018 15:36

Pethedine makes you sleepy and confused your baby got out safely you your body did nothing wrong, your Mil and husband however were very unkind to you,

BlueKarou · 31/05/2018 15:38

Your MIL sounds like a complete twunt. Your baby's father too - are you still with him?

There is no such thing as 'giving birth wrong'. Every labour is different, some require more intervention, some don't.

Congratulations on your daughter, and also your current pregnancy. It's completely understandable you're anxious about things. Have you talked to your MW about your previous experience and your concerns?

Wolfiefan · 31/05/2018 15:39

If the baby came out (by whatever means possible) then you gave birth just fine.
Do you normally have a good relationship with your partner? He should be standing up to her and her nonsense.

MrsJayy · 31/05/2018 15:46

Can you speak to your midwife without your husband it is ok to discuss this with them.

SoyDora · 31/05/2018 15:49

Of course you did nothing wrong. With my first I had been in labour for 48 hours with just gas and air and absolutely no sleep and I just physically couldn’t push anymore. It was exhausting.
Number 2 came out with 3 pushes! Didn’t do anything differently.
Your baby was born safely. That’s what matters.
I’m concerned about your statement that your DH was upset that a male dr delivered your baby. How is your relationship normally?

OuchLegoHurts · 31/05/2018 15:50

I think you're lucky to have a healthy baby and shouldn't be obsessing about how the baby was born... Every case is different.
I also think your partner is a disgrace for giving out about a male delivering your baby. What's his problem? In Ireland people pay up to €5000 for a consultant (almost always a man) to deliver their baby, rather than a midwife

junebirthdaygirl · 31/05/2018 16:10

Mums have forceps and ventouse every day and they are making no apologies for how they gave birth. These things are there to help because we need them. I had forceps. No way do l think l did anything wrong. Also at least half of babies are delivered by men. My 3 were and l was thankful to have them there. Anyone at that stage tohelp get it over and everyone safe. Your mil is horrible and very ignorant about childbirth. Would she say that if you had a section? Your dp is as bad. I hope your next delivery goes well.

sweetboykit · 31/05/2018 17:19

So, the people judging you aren't healthcare professionals or actually gave birth to your dd ...Hmm
Your 'd'p is well out of order to complain that a male doctor did the ventouse. Like there's anything sexual about that?! What an idiot!
I had an episiotomy with ds1 as I couldn't get him out. Ds2 was like a pea in a wellington boot. I was told to stop pushing as he was coming out so fast! Second babies are much easier as you practice on the first birth.

You did nothing wrong. Be proud you got your dd into the world. Make an appointment with your midwife to talk about your fears.

Knittedfairies · 31/05/2018 17:28

Of course you did nothing wrong; ask your MIL where she did her midwifery training. She’s a fool, as is your P for being annoyed that the doctor who delivered your baby was, shock horror, a man. Talk to your midwife. You’ll be fine!

Dobbythesockelf · 31/05/2018 17:31

Of course you didn't give birth wrong that's ridiculous, your baby arrived safely which is the most important part. Pethidine made me so sleepy, I ended up needing a c section and I struggled to concentrate enough to sign the forms and to this day I don't remember the Dr who was talking to me. According to my dh she was a lovely German woman but I literally can not remember her at all.
As for your partner having an issue with the male Dr. In my 12 hour Labour I had my waters broken by 1st male Dr. I then had second male Dr attach something to dd while she was still inside. I then had c section where there was at least 2 male Drs there. It is a medical procedure that they do everyday. It really isn't healthy that he sees it in a bad way. Without that male Dr how would you have got the baby out?

FranticallyPeaceful · 31/05/2018 19:24

You can’t give birth wrong and you should make absolutely no apologies for how you chose to cope with labour and birth! It’s different for everybody and different every time. Also you should speak to woman’s aid about your husbands behaviour regarding a male doctor.

TaggieRR · 31/05/2018 19:28

Of course you didn’t do anything wrong. How dare your mil say you did. And your dh is absolutely ridiculous and should apologise for being an idiot.

Sevendown · 31/05/2018 19:30

Your dp sounds mad!

PatriciaHolm · 31/05/2018 19:48

You didn't do anything wrong.

The wrong things here are the attitudes of your MIL and partner. They are quite frankly vile.

Rockandrollwithit · 31/05/2018 19:51

If you and your baby were both fine after giving birth, you did everything right.

I've had two babies - one by forceps delivery and one by c-section. I've never actually pushed a baby out by myself. But I really don't waste time worrying about that and neither should you. Whatever happens during birth doesn't matter as long as you have a healthy baby afterwards.

ineedwine99 · 31/05/2018 19:52

Similar birth to me, i had forceps, you did nothing wrong at all. Your MIL is an idiot.

Havetothink · 31/05/2018 19:53

The doctors (male or female) are there for a reason and would not intervene without cause. Anyone suggesting you should not have had help should shove a rugby ball when the sun don't shine and try pushing it out themselves 🏈!

UppityStitch · 03/06/2018 07:26

Ask your current midwife/midwives for a Birth Review. Where they'll sit down and you'll all read through your notes together.

I had one after I fell seriously ill after having my DS. Apparently the midst of it all they missed a crucial blood test which would have spotted I was going downhill. It really helped me put things into perspective afterwards as I suffer from anxiety and started to 'blame' myself.

Don't worry about how long it's been. My friend recently had one 3 years after her last birth as she was terrified of the second time around.

Neolara · 03/06/2018 07:35

Your mil is behaving like a bitch and your dp is being completely ridiculous. I'm a little worried for you OP. Are you in an abusive relationship? These comments are really not normal. You produced a baby - your dp and mil should be telling you how amazing you are, not undermining you.

NotARegularPenguin · 03/06/2018 07:38

Something like 25% of women have an instrumental delivery. Sometimes your contractions aren’t strong enough, a lot of the time baby might be in a slightly awkward position.....only takes them to tip their head a mm back or forward and you can push all you like but baby won’t come out.

Is the father normally so unsupportive? He should be worshipping the ground you walk on, not making you feel bad.

Elledouble · 03/06/2018 08:07

I sort of get it - I was upset at not having given birth to my son the way I’d hoped (active birth, no drugs except G&A). Fact is, babies come how they come and there’s nothing you can do about it after the fact.

Your MiL and partner sound horrible and judgy. You did the best you could - these things don’t necessarily happen the way we expect.