did i give birth wrong?

[kristrose]

basically in 2016 i gave birth to my daughter (1st). i had my waters broke at half two then at qutar to 3 i had pethidine cause i couldn't cope with the pain anymore. i fell asleep and when i woke up i felt so drowsy and horrible,i was confused too. i felt so embarssed the way when i woke up because i was so out of it. my midwifes shift ended and i had two new midwifes. i tried pushing for ages.

i ended up pushing and got to tired so i had a male doctor in to assit me,i had a ventouse delivery. i just physically couldn't push anymore. i only had my babys father in the room,i was scared,tired and didn't know what to expcect.

my mil told me i should've just pushed and then my lg would've been born earlier,i did try my hardest but i physically couldn't push anymore that's why i had the ventouse. but shes making me feel so horrible and like i done it wrong. i thought theyd be grateful i got her granddaughter out not critising me for not pushing. i tried my hardest and i feel horrible,im due to give birth in October and I'm petrified of giving birth again,im really sorry if i rambled on and this don't make sense. but shes really hurt my feelings,she wasn't even there in the room and she keeps acting like she knows everything about when i was in labour. maybe I'm just getting a little dramatic but? my babys father was annoyed that i had a male doctor delivering our lg. i didn't purposely do it! i just couldn't physically do it anymore! why cant people just see that instead of trying to make me feel like i done it wrong:(

You did absolutely nothing wrong!

I pushed for an hour with no result, I couldn't push anymore, I then had have to have forceps and ventouse which both failed and went to have a emergency c section. I felt like i didnt do it properly and felt annoyed at myself. After I found out my LGs head was to big to fit through lol.
You and your baby are alive and well, dont worry or think about how you got her out. You MIL and husband are just out of order, every women is different And the male doctor got your baby out alive! Your husband shouldn't be moaning.

Of course you did nothing wrong!

Your Dp and mil sound awful. Are they often like this?

Is there a right way of giving birth? They are all different some need help with birth and some don't. You did what you could your body was exhausted, hardest job a woman’s body ever goes through is childbirth so forgive yourself if it got tired.
OUr Mothers are from a different generation, they gave birth with no pain relief and it was and the their kids just slid out easy blah blah blah that’s their story we all know they shit the bed like the best of us and screamed blue murder..

Your birth story sounds very similar to mine - i also had pethidine and it made me so sleepy and confused. i was falling asleep in between each contraction and just couldn’t push. i tried, but i also ended up with ventouse. my DD is fine, but i do feel like i ‘failed’ and didn’t give birth properly. but nobody’s told me that!

i’m due to give birth again in september and have decided to try without pethidine but i’m sure i might change my mind at the time! your mil and dp sound really unsupportive. would they rather you didn’t have ventouse and your child be seriously injured?! is it a cultural thing? sorry you’re goung through this. it’s very hard.

There is no wrong way to give birth. The only way that matters is the one that gives the best outcome for baby and mother.

I had a midwife tell me I wasn't pushing hard enough with dd1. When my MIL flagged up her falling heart rate on the monitor (midwife and trainee hadn't noticed) they grabbed a passing consultant who then told them off because she could tell I was pushing. After failed ventouse and forceps she was finally delivered by emergency csection and was so stuck that she had to be pushed back up before they could get her out. Midwife changed her tune quickly.

Thank goodness we live in a country with maternity services that can deal with such eventualities.

Your DP's head needs a wobble, seriously that male doctor kept his partner and baby safe and well.

I would consider having a second birthing partner this time round who has your back. I arranged this with my second (for different reasons) and although I didnt need them it made me feel calmer knowing that they were there if I needed them to be.

This is extremely similar to what happened when I gave birth. I do understand how you feel, and the worry about going through it again. It's such a shame you didn't get more support afterwards.

Personally, I am quite adamant I don't want pethidine again. I was in a huge amount of pain but apparently came across extremely relaxed and I could barely open my eyes. I also ended up with ventouse after a long time pushing.

You did your best and 2nd time may well work out very differently.

Sending a hug for you and a slap each for your mil and husband!
Please tell both of them to piss off, and don’t stand any more abusive criticism from either of them. Their ignorant and stupid remarks are totally out of order. Have you thought of getting some assertiveness training, OP? It might help you to stand up to these nonsense spouting bullies. Best wishes for your next delivery - do it your own way, with whatever medical help is required, and tell those two you expect flowers and praise afterwards!

Your MIL and husband are arseholes.

You did not give birth wrong.

Whether baby came out the boot or the sunroof you delivered a healthy baby and THAT is the goal.

Diamorphine made me drowsy as hell and I needed/asked for assurance with forceps when I felt her stuck- no issues when born for either of us but my male consultant got massive hugs from hubby, MIL and me.

I'm 30 weeks now with baby 2 and consultant is probably male again - hubby doesn't care (he was a little weirded out by me not being bothered but most of my smears done by a male so lol)

Good luck mamas

I very much hope your partner is going to encourage your daughter into the sciences and maths if he thinks there should be more female consultant obstetricians.