I'm scared of imminent labour! Help!

[dinny]

I've suddenly gone absolutely terrified of giving birth for a second time. I'm 36 weeks today and it's like it has only just dawned on me that I have to give birth. Really scared of the intensity of it as much as the pain. Don't think I can do it a second time. How can I stop worrying so much? At least the first time you have no idea what is to come! (btw, I had a straightforward 6-hour labour the first time. Tried gas and air but it made me sick so didn't want it. DD was out in 10 mins). But it's as if I can only now really remember how much it bloody hurt. Anyone else feel/felt scared like this?

Hi dinny. I think I know how you feel. I was absolutely petrified second time round: really, really, really scared. I'd have done ANYTHING to get out of it. I just couldn't work out why either - I didn't know whether it was because I knew how much it hurt or whether it was fear of death now that I already had a child to stay alive for, iykwim, or whether it was fear of pain or what. I just couldn't put my finger on it but I spent most of my second pregnancy in a state of fear. I was like one of those dogs you see going round and round and round trying to get comfortable but I just couldn't. Physically I was fine.

Anyway, it was awful, worse than the first time - sorry! - BUT, and it's a big but, I had a different partner and so gave birth to a big 9lb 8ozer, when my first was only 7lb 1oz. Big difference! And I wondered afterwards if my body knew it was going to be harder. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe it is entirely natural to fear it. Or maybe, as a doula suggested to me, it's because a 'culture of fear' (her words) exists about childbirth in this country.

What I realised afterwards, and I really hope this helps you since I didn't realise it until afterwards, was that worrying about it made no difference at all! It just made me miserable for 9 months (as if the hormones weren't bad enough) and had no effect on the outcome.

I had a relatively easy time first time too, 7.5 hours at home. Second was apparently 5 hours or something, although it felt like a damn sight longer, also at home. Do you have great midwives? Are you happy with your choices about where and who's going to be there and arrangements for your dd? I arranged some counselling when I was 35 weeks pregnant with a woman who specialised in pregnancy counselling but didn't go in the end. I did buy a book though called Birthing from within which was suggested by a doula I met. Do you think you'd like a doula? I had one arranged but didn't call her in the end. The book's a bit hippyish but there's some useful stuff in there. You can have it (free, I'm not going to need it again) if you want it, just send me a message through CAT. I'm happy to talk off board too if you think I can help.

Hi dinny, (I haven't 'admitted' this to anyone!) but the other evening I had pains (turned out just to be ligaments stretching) and all my relaxed and positive thoughts about this labour just flew straight out the window, I was in a cold sweat! I felt really panicky , it took some effort to get a grip on myself. I found it really strange as up to that point I had no idea I had any concerns about giving birth again - how strange is that! I've been really looking forward to it, and like you, had a good first birth - 4.5 hours, fast and furious but good!
I've borrowed the active birth book, amongst others, from a friend to try to bring myself around and I'm also re-reading and adjusting my birth plan to try to settle my mind. But I know what you mean about it 'dawning' on you - my SIL pointed out I'm due in 3 weeks, and I just stared at her, gobsmacked!

Lots of sympathy Dinny, I felt like that too - I was fine with it until someone said was I nervous for the second time since I knew how awful it was! Hadn't thought of it till then
Anyway, second DS was 9lb 7oz - first was 8lb 1/2oz, - but it was much shorter second time - 12 hrs compared to 42
I'd had a much tougher pregnancy second time and was shattered by the end, and yes, it still hurt like hell, but it was just more manageable
I talked myself round more, by telling myself that I knew what I was getting at the end, trying to think positively about labour, and I was more in control too, which helped
Sorry, bit garbled but hope it helps a bit

Oh yes, DH and I arranged an 'extra' meet up with one of our community midwives the other day, it gave us a good opportunity to go over everything and ask any questions we had which has helped in some way to make me a wee bit more comfortable. It helped me realise that though DD's birth was good, there were certain things which worried me about it that I was relating to this future labour.
(Still momentarily scared silly though!)

Hi Dinny

I can't speak from experience as I've only had one baby and wasn't scared before BUT I think WWW mentions some really good points. The book she recommends looks wonderful, I'm going to be getting a copy whenever I am pg again.

I think her doula's expression "culture of fear" is spot on - we only see negative portrayals of labour and birth. It doesn't have to be horrendous. Most people could have a good experience if they educated themselves and put the effort in. Some people will have a bad time, and thankfully in this day and age they will most likely have a good result (healthy mother & baby) which might not have been the case historically.

There are some really good threads on here about positive birth experiences which might be good for you to read.

Wishing you lots of luck and REMEMBER TO BREATH DEEPLY!!

mit x

Hi, Wickedwaterwitch - thanks for your post. You have summed up how I'm feeling pretty much perfectly. I am now worried that because I'm worried I must have some sixth sense about it being awful. Also definitely worry about dying because I have now have a child.
My dd was pre-term (just under 36 wks) and so was small (6.7lbs). Fast straightforward labour (six hours), a bit of gas and air, 10 min second stage. Very intense as fast, I think. Really wanted a homebirth that time but couldn't as she was early. This time I REALLY wanted homebirth but found out a month ago I have Group B Strep so I have to go to hospital to receive IV antibiotics in labour (pissed off but have accepted it now). Midwives are LOVELY this time (had horrible one last time) but there's no guarantee I'll get my lovely team of midwives in hospital (though they are going to try and attend me). I have got a birth doula this time - she is lovely and calming. Hoping she will make a difference
Everything just seems so complicated this time - especially worried if go into labour at night - how to get to hospital, what to do with dd (I have to go as soon as in labour to get these antibiotics).
Had a chat with mw last week - she was so nice. I'd previously discounted pethidine as it can affect the baby but I feel slightly reassured it is an option.
I'm still so scared though. I'd love to see that book - think my friend told me about it.
Tempted to just have an epidural if I have to be in hospital.

dinny I had a straightforward labour the firs time, I taught myself to remember that I did it well without knwoing what to do, so this time round it would be in my control and it would hurt less and be quicker and easier.
And ta da
it was so!
Plus being 36 weeks, you kind of have to face up to what you want the outcome to be...
go Dinny give us an awesome birth story (no pressure LOL)

Sorry for writing again! (If I didn't have a serious case of pregnancy brain, I'm sure I could have got all of this out in one go with a bit of effort!). Another book I'm going to re-read is 'Spiritual Midwifery'. It's totally far out man , but really goes back to the basics of childbirth as a positive experience, I remember the first time I read it (in early pg) it filled me with confidence, so I'm definately going to pull it out tonight!
xx

Thanks everyone. Think I have been so busy with dd1 I haven't really even thought about labour till recently. I also sort of think that I will kind of deserve a hard time this time as was such a good labour last time.

Is it very uncommon to die in labour?

Dinny I was really worried about that too. I have a card from a friend that says "congratulations on your dd's arrival and I'm so glad you're still with us!" because she knew how terrified I was of dying and although she laughed at me at the time (she has 3 children) she knew I felt it very strongly. It really is very, very, very rare to die. You hardly even hear about it do you? I'm really sure you won't, honestly - birth IS a natural and normal event. Sorry to hear about the BGS but it's great that you know about it so you can have the IV antibiotics and it's great also that you've got a doula. You're very welcome to the book if you want it.

Meant GBS not BGS! The book talks about the fear of death in childbirth. Can't remember what it tells you to do about it though, but sure it had some good suggestions.

Dinny, know just how you are feeling I am due in three weeks and also carry Strep B. All sorts of things have been going through my mind, death being one of them. Reading these messages makes me realise I'm not nuts since other people think these things aswell.

Dinny - I believe it is VERY uncommon for women to die in childbirth. I'm not sure of the exact stats - I've just spent ages online trying to track them down with no success. Try not to worry about this, as Levanna said, birth is a natural and normal event.
mit x

Comforting to know someone else feels like that too, WWW. I'd love the book - if you are sure. I must send you some payment for it though. Please let me.
I'll send you my address, shall I?

Think the fear of dying is stronger this time as first labour made me realise in the midst of life we are in death, iykwim. Cheery, hey?!

Best I could find in a quick search was this: maternaldeaths . A bit out of date but figures from latest confidential enquiry into maternal deaths not out yet. Anyway, 6/7 deaths per 100,000 labours means the risk of you dying is vanishingly small.
Have only got one myself (so far...) but perhaps it might help to focus on the fact that you've done it once and survived and you will manage to do it again.
HTH and hope it all goes brilliantly.

Oh, and those 6 or 7 per 100,000 aren't all from labour ? they include all pregnant women (after a certain point in pregnancy, IIRC) and mothers of babies up to (IIRC again) a year old.

Dinny, I mean it, you're very welcome to it. There's someone on here who works with stats re maternal deaths (eefs? Elliott? sorry I can't remember but it was someone who was pregnant the same time as me and reassured me when I was panicking), maybe she'll see this and post.

www.portal.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2001/12/06/npreg06.xml

another link to more info on maternal deaths. the major cause of maternal deaths appears to be suicide

hello much sympathy
i dont know if you are into alternative remedies(i am a big fan) often worth trying cause they're mostly harmless
i remember reading that theres a bach flower remedy for this exact problem cant remember which one but ill try to find out tomorrow if your interested

Tinytoes, I used Bach's Rescue Remedy last time - is that what you mean? I am also taking a homeopathic childbirth kit thing in with me (though last time I remember thinking how naive I ws thinking it would help!)

WWW, you said your second baby was much bigger? Presumably labour was much worse in the second stage then? Would size make any difference in the first? Don't think it would (sorry, thick question probably!)

I'm just hoping I feel better when it's actually underway. Just hate how this time I know damn well how unpredictable labour is and how there is no point trying to envisage how it will be. Makes me feel out of control already.

Dinosaur - sorry to butt in on this thread but I'm about to have my third as well and with the previous two I have had tears. I hate the pushing stage as well and think in the previous births I have been pushing too hard just to get it over with.
I'm going for a home birth this time and have read about breathing the baby out reducing the liklihood of tearing. Really pleased that it seems to have worked for you. This might sound daft, but how do you do it? Do you just alow the contractions to force the baby down and breath through them?
Thanks - and dinny my second labour was so much easier than the first, although I couldn't quite believe it would be so beforehand as people were telling me.

Dinosaur, don't really know what is scaring me so much. Think it's how out of control and alone I felt in transition. How on another plane from the rest of the world. Not so scared of the pain - just when the contractions get so close and intense you feel like you're being thrown round the room. My first labour was fast-ish (6 hours) and dd was out in under 10 mins (with no tearing). Think a lot of it is because I have to be in hospital (Group B) when I really really wanted to be at home this time.

I have got a doula this time. She is fantastic so far. Hoping she will really make a difference.

Thanks for posting.

Dinny - i was terrified second time round so i know how you feel. I think it's the whole thing of knowing that it is something that is going to happen to your body whether you like it or not and it is out of your control. Could you not just tell yourself you'll have an epidural if it gets unbearable? try and keep focused on the end result, a beautiful bouncing baby.

lol, dino, know exactly what you mean about being so desperate not to be pg any more!

dinny, i don't know what to say... i had a nightmare first time round and was pretty scared about my planned homebirth this time. it was very painful but i had excellent support which made it bearable. i managed to squeeze out a 10lb+ -er with only a miniscule tear that i bearly felt and didn't need stitches.

i'm glad you say your doula has been fab - for me the key thing was not being at home (although that was great) but having the support through each contraction and push. the other thing i would recommend if you can is a water birth - the water is just brilliant for pain relief, support, relaxation, ease of movement etc.

good luck - the last weeks of pregnancy really are crap and i speak as someone who didn't enjoy the first or middle weeks much either tbh! especially in this awful, unbearable heat and humidity. fwiw, my reservations about further children are much more about avoiding another pg than another labour - and that was true last time too with a pretty bad first labour exp behind me!

hth