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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

No skin to skin

44 replies

Twitchett22 · 17/03/2018 20:09

My baby was born in a very unplanned dramatic way at home with no medical help present, and when she came out the umbilical cord was very short so i couldn't put her straight to my chest. In fact it was about 10 minutes before i could hold her. The more I've been thinking about it the more guilty i feel that we didn't have that skin to skin and i worry that she doesn't recognise me as her mum as i wasn't the first person to hold her. I feel i have bonded with her massively but i dont know if it works the other way around? Also if i do skin to skin with her now at 6 days old (im not breastfeeding so we don't get any other skin to skin contact) will it still benefit attachment and bonding or does it only work at birth?

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 17/03/2018 20:14

God that sounds such a shock to the system . My dd was taken straight to babycare after she was born we bonded totally fine she is an adult and we have always been close. Look after yourself and if these feelings don"t go have a chat with your gp or health visitor don't sit on it

Chienrouge · 17/03/2018 20:15

Skin to skin contact is great anytime .
Many people don’t get to hold their baby immediately after birth for a variety of reasons. It doesn’t affect bonding, honest!

EB123 · 17/03/2018 20:18

Skin to skin is beneficial at any time. i still do it with my toddler if he is poorly.

Many women don't get that initial skin to skin, i didn't get it with any of my three children and i promise you they definitely know who I am . My eldest son was held by many before me or my husband as was my youngest, it was hours later that i was able to hold them. Your little one will know you from your voice, your smell and your love. Please try not to worry about skin to skin and enjoy your lovely little girl.

It sounds like you are in shock about your birth experience and it may well be worth talking about that with someone.

restingbemusedface · 17/03/2018 20:18

Gosh I felt the same - I was so out of it on so many pain relief drugs that I couldn’t hold my twins For a good hour. I did lots of skin to skin after at home in bed and on the sofa, but only once we’d got home from the special care unit a week later. Think we’ve bonded now

MaireadMacSweeney · 17/03/2018 20:19

My first DD was bathed and dressed before she was handed to me (70s hospital birth).
I begged the midwife to give her to me for what seemed like ages but it didn't affect our bonding.

Your baby absolutely knows you're her mum OP

justanotheruser18 · 17/03/2018 20:24

Your birth sounds hugely traumatic.
Baby bonding and attachment is a process that happens over a number of months and years, not hours and days.
Your baby will know you, your heart beat, your smell.
Be kind to yourself. You have been through something absolutely terrifying and may still be in shock.
You will bond with your baby. It took me a few weeks to move on from automatic pilot mothering mode to actually bonding, and I had skin to skin pretty much straight away.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 17/03/2018 20:24

I too find it hard when they’re so so small like your new one - they don’t give anything back and I have the same doubts as you over if they’re bonding with me. It’s hard.

I didn’t hold either of my babies straight after birth, and they both worship the ground I walk on now - the smallest is only 4 months old and has loved me for a long time, so it didn’t take long.

In a few weeks she won’t be able to contain her smiles when she sees you, promise!

Congratulations

ImAGuiderToo · 17/03/2018 20:27

I have 4dc and didn’t have immediate skin to skin with any of them - at my request dh held each of them first (after various interventions with dc2 and 4).

No bonding issues with any of them and they all knew me as mum. I don’t really remember it really being a ‘thing’ with the first 2 at all. As a PP said, your baby knows your voice and your smell.

Please don’t worry about this and if does bother you, please do speak to your HV, GP or somone you trust who will help.

busyknee · 17/03/2018 20:34

I didn't get to hold my first baby for about 20 minutes after his birth. I was so upset about this as I'd been looking forward to that skin to skin moment for my whole pregnancy. Plus the NHS makes such a big deal out of it.

I talked to a midwife about how upset I was and she was wonderful. She'd had her kids in the 70s before skin to skin was the norm. She didn't get to hold any of them straight afterwards, but said she was really close to all of them. Made me feel a lot better. My son and I did a lot of skin to skin at home in his first few months instead. He's 4 now and we're really close.

I had skin to skin straight away after my second birth and there's no difference in the bond I have with them.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 17/03/2018 20:38

Both my children got taken to special care immediately after birth. I didn't get to see ds1 until he was 4 hours old and then he was wrapped up so tightly I couldn't really see any if his skin apart from his face!

Ds2 was in an incubator.

It didn't affect our bonding at all.

swivelchair · 17/03/2018 20:44

I didn't have skin to skin with either of mine (both born EMCS) - they did try giving DS1 to DP while I was in recovery, but DS1 wasn't impressed with his hairy chest!

I did BF, but still without skin to skin (it was August, I had massive boobs, and slippery, sweaty nude boob and naked baby would not have worked).

We all bonded just fine - it's just another of those things that's nice if it happens, but just a drop in an ocean of a 1000 other choices you make (or are made for you) in your babies life.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 17/03/2018 20:46

I didn't see ds for the first 10 minutes or so of his life, didn't hold him for the first hour because although they offered him to me in theatre I didn't think he was a real baby as I was hallucinating. When I did pick him up in recovery, he was all wrapped up in blanket. A couple of hours later he had to go to NICU for a few days where he was in an incubator to begin with.

When we got home from hospital he spent the next couple of months staring at my face whilst I fed him (first breast and then bottle). He's now 3, he's most definitely bonded and has been for a long time.

I'm having a repeat section in June, won't be having skin to skin again in that first couple of hours and don't expect it to effect our relationship at all.

Original poster

Twitchett22 · 17/03/2018 20:50

Thank you all so much. I absolutely love her and she sleeps on my chest after feeds etc. When I've been asleep I wake up so excited to see her so I know I've bonded. The birth was a shock but i dont feel too traumatised, was definitely worse for dp who had to deliver her! The hospital gave me a magazine about feeding etc when I was discharged and it goes on about skin to skin and how basically you're a shit mum if you don't do it so it just got me worried.
Your replies have reassured me so much and I'm sat snuggled with my baby girl giving her lots of kisses so thank you

OP posts:

namaste86 · 17/03/2018 20:51

Honestly please don't worry at all. The bonding process happens over time. Your baby already knows your smell and knows you by sight. In a few months, your baby will be full of smiles as soon as you're in her line of vision.

I held my son for a few minutes then had to get out of the pool. I then didn't hold him properly for a good few hours as I was bleeding badly. Passing out, needing stitches etc. He was then in SCBU for a fee days. I can honestly say that it has not affected our bond at all. He's just turned one and a total mama's boy. I'm definitely his favourite person in the world at the moment.

Please be kind to yourself, enjoy your baby and congrats

Twofishfingers · 17/03/2018 20:51

Honestly, a great many babies don't have skin to skin contact immediately after birth, because of medical reasons for the mother or the baby. There's no way, no chance that it affects the baby long term. You really need to move on from that. It's only a tiny factor. Both my children were born by emergency c sections and both needed immediate medical care and I didn't get to hold them for many minutes after birth - we were fine with bonding, breastfeeding, etc.

capercaillie · 17/03/2018 20:55

No skin to skin here either. DS was hospital forceps birth and I was shaking too much to hold him. DD home birth but similar experience and didn’t hold either for a couple of hours

sar302 · 17/03/2018 20:55

OP - I literally don't remember the first day of my sons life, as I was so out of it after a 50hr labour. They tried to give him to me in theatre after he was out (forcep delivery) but I was ready to throw up so they whisked him away. My husband did the first 24hrs of skin to skin with him.

He is FF and when we feed, we look into each other's eyes and I lean down and kiss his little head. It's awesome! He knows who his mum is. He looks for me when someone else is holding him. He grins a grin that takes over his whole face when I come to get him after his nap. He wraps his little arm around his neck when I pick him up for a cuddle. He falls asleep in my arms.

Trust that your baby will know you for what happens every day - not just the first 24 hours.

BakedBeeeen · 17/03/2018 20:57

OP when I read your post, I immediately thought it sounded like you were quite anxious, worrying and fixating on a tiny detail of the birth. Please talk things through with someone, it sounds like a symptom of your anxiety.

ObiJuanKenobi · 17/03/2018 21:00

Oh OP sorry you're feeling like this. When my dtwins were born they were both taken straight to other parts of the hospital and we spent the first 24 hours in 3 completely separate places as I was unwell and they both needed differing levels of care. It was awful but we are all now 2 years on so very close!

Skin to skin is great at any time, mine still love it when they're poorly or I'm feeling a little down.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/03/2018 21:04

I spent the first few hours of dd’s life trying not to die. Barely noticed her existence whilst quietly floating in a strange land.

Her brother was delivered straight onto my stomach where he did the textbook thing of crawling himself up to help himself to milk.

Now aged 7 and 4 and no difference in the bond between them.

With parenting it is not the minutes that matter. It is the hours, days and weeks that you keep on and on taking care of them and loving them that matter.

pimlicolife · 17/03/2018 21:05

Oh definitely carry on with skin to skin.. your baby will be loving it!

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo · 17/03/2018 21:09

OP have you considered having a bath with your baby? Apologies if you instinctively feel it’s not for you. It can be really healing thing to do after a difficult birth and a lovely way for you both to bond. Also, the benefits of early skin to skin are more to do with helping your baby regulate their temperature and make a scented “map” to the breast while they wait for your milk to come in. The bonding and calming benefits of skin to skin are there throughout infancy and childhood - so it’s never too late x

Bellamuerte · 17/03/2018 21:10

I had an emergency c-section so couldn't hold baby as they were stitching me up for best part of an hour. They wrapped him in a blanket and DH held him. I was too out of it due to drugs and long labour to hold him until the next day. We have bonded just fine.

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo · 17/03/2018 21:12

Sorry that wasn’t very clear when I read it back. I meant that the benefits of immediately after birth skin to skin are temperature and food based. The bonding, calming aspects are always there to come back to at any point x

betterbemoreorganised · 17/03/2018 21:13

I did t have skin to skin or hold DS for quite awhile after my emcs as I was shaking too much. We did skin to skin later but not much. It's not affected the bonding at all.
I bathed (still do) with my DS and it's a lovely way to bond, when he was newborn I got either my mum or partner to pass him to once I was in the bath though.

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