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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

No skin to skin

44 replies

Twitchett22 · 17/03/2018 20:09

My baby was born in a very unplanned dramatic way at home with no medical help present, and when she came out the umbilical cord was very short so i couldn't put her straight to my chest. In fact it was about 10 minutes before i could hold her. The more I've been thinking about it the more guilty i feel that we didn't have that skin to skin and i worry that she doesn't recognise me as her mum as i wasn't the first person to hold her. I feel i have bonded with her massively but i dont know if it works the other way around? Also if i do skin to skin with her now at 6 days old (im not breastfeeding so we don't get any other skin to skin contact) will it still benefit attachment and bonding or does it only work at birth?

OP posts:
sourpatchkid · 17/03/2018 21:16

Im glad the replies have helped a little - sounds like you're having a lovely time with her Smile

I didn't have skin to skin either. c section, he was taken away, weighed, dressed and given to DH before I'd even seen his face. I didn't hold him for another 40 mins or so.

He's healthy and happy and were very well bonded. It's all fine Smile

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo · 17/03/2018 21:17

And she totally still recognises you as her mum - rightly or wrongly, most babies are “caught” by a midwife or doctor and then passed to their Mum. As shown here, for a variety of reasons, a significant number of them will be separated for anywhere between 5 minutes for a paediatrician check and 4 months in a NICU.

Jaxtellerswife · 17/03/2018 21:18

My first was an emergency c section and I had to wait about an hour.
My second was natural but I was rushed to surgery and had to wait two hours. It's had no effect negatively whatsoever on bonding.
Just snuggle baby now and enjoy it

MerryDeath · 17/03/2018 21:24

that sounds traumatic and I'm sorry for that but bonding isn't a yes or no black and white you've missed the window deal. you have nothing to worry about. if probably suggest you seek help to deal with the birth ad move on from it to enjoy your baby without anxiety.

UserSnoozer · 17/03/2018 21:24

Think of it this way, the midwife/surgeon is usually the first person to hold the baby

vampirina · 17/03/2018 21:25

I had PND and had a really hard time in the early weeks with bonding. I felt terrified that we wouldn't and she wouldn't like me. I obsessed over it for weeks.

But when she started smiling and being more expressive any doubts disappeared. We have such an amazing bond and since that moment really I stopped worrying about things like breastfeeding not working out / a lack of skin to skin etc.

It sounds as though you've had a really hard time and are doing fantastically so be kind to yourself and try not to worry Thanks

Ekphrasis · 17/03/2018 21:31

No skin to skin with my first; I did t hold him for a few hours. Did bf but due to being in hospital as he was so tiny I wasn't allowed to skin to skin as they had to keep his temp right (though I think they'd maybe let me now) then the recovery from the cs meant I didn't manage for ages. When I did he screamed blue murder. I think he was around 4 mo before I tried a bath with him which was our first skin to skin!

The other reason they do it after cs now is that it's a good way to get the good bacteria from mum that they've missed from not being a vagina birth.

GinAndSonic · 17/03/2018 21:36

I've been doing skin to skin with my 6yr old as shes been unsettled from being in hospital for a week. It's never too late to do skin to skin.

Andbabymakesthree · 17/03/2018 21:40

I didn't get skin to skin with DC3 following a planned home birth. All the literature about it really annoyed me too.

Now at 14 mths he's a really cuddly boy. Love him so much and his cuddlingxand adoration of me is down to how I parent day to day not the time post birth.

sparklepops123 · 17/03/2018 21:44

You sound like you've bonded great , 20 years ago when I gave birth to my two oldest it was never a thing , when I had my 12 yr old it was a new thing to me. We're all ok don't fret about it

Prusik · 17/03/2018 21:45

I'm glad you've been reassured by the thread op. Fwiw I had ds2 in the bathroom. It came as a bit of a shock. The midwife arrived only 8 minutes before ds2 came. They kept trying to give me the baby afterwards but I was in such shock that I just went downstairs and left him with dh and midwife. My friend then held him while I dealt with ds1. Ds2 is only two months but hopefully it hasn't impacted anything

sycamore54321 · 17/03/2018 21:56

OP I feel so sorry for you. This is why I have such dislike of so much of the "perfect mothering" narrative pushed on us. We aren't ducklings who imprint onto the first thing they see. We are intellectual emotional social beings. Love and "bonding" aren't dependent on a series of mechanic steps (breastfeeding, cosleeping, slings, skin-to-skin...) and honestly I pity anyone who thinks they are. Love and bonding come from the caring nurturing relationship you and other family members have with your baby. Fathers, adoptive parents, parents of seriously ill children who need medical attention after birth, all love and are loved by their babies just as much as the instagram mom with her perfect birth plan. At this age also, babies only have very basic needs, their more nuanced social and emotional awareness comes later. Your baby does not in any way resent an absence of skin to skin with you.

As long as your child is fed, safe, warm, nurtured and cared for, by you and all the rest of your family, that's perfect in my opinion. Physical rituals like skin to skin at a certain time in a certain way are not a prerequisite. (Plus there is zero evidence to show it has anything to do with bonding)

Please don't feel under pressure. If you do feel yourself getting overwhelmed or upset or over-focused on some small thing, consider that it might be a sign of PND and ask for help. best wishes.

One tiny thing - you say she sleeps on your chest after feeding. Please consider that this is not advisable from a safe sleep practice point of view.

Twitchett22 · 18/03/2018 10:15

Thank you all so much. I don't feel anxious (although my op does sound that way) and I don't feel as though I'm starting with PND at all but it's something to keep in mind. I'm enjoying every second of being a mum and she's the most well behaved baby so she's giving us an easy time at the minute! It just infuriates me that all the literature implies that if you don't have skin to skin and you dont breastfeed then you're doing your baby some kind of injustice. But anyway I'll just ignore it and continue loving my little girl Smile
@sycamore54321 i mean after she's had a feed i put her over my shoulder to wind her and she falls asleep there so we sit for ages like that. Then when she wakes up she's close enough to see me and she just stares at me. Thinking about it, it's stuff like that that creates bonds isn't it Flowers

OP posts:
Situp · 18/03/2018 10:22

I love to have my LO one on my chest in the bath. A cloth or cup to put water on their back to keep them warm and it is really lovely.

malterbitty · 18/03/2018 10:28

It's fine. You don't need that initial skin to skin to bond successfully. The idea is to do regular skin to skin, I.e. If you only ever did it for the first day, it wouldn't have no real impact. I think you've misunderstood how it works.
I didn't hold my baby for about 10 hours. Did it have any affect whatsoever? No.

Faintlinesquints · 18/03/2018 10:29

Congratulations!

Honestly, skin to skin at any point is beneficial and even now she will smell, feel and hear you so it definitely works the other way around.
Dd3 was born very prematurely and was really ill, I didn't even get to hold her for weeks and when we did we had skin to skin kangaroo cuddles which were just amazing and we still bonded.
She is 9 now, and I can say that I feel I had a stronger bond with her as a baby than the other 2, even now actually.

malterbitty · 18/03/2018 10:29

Confused 'wouldn't have no real impact' my god, my grammar there!

Would have no real impact.

sycamore54321 · 19/03/2018 00:13

It just infuriates me that all the literature implies that if you don't have skin to skin and you dont breastfeed then you're doing your baby some kind of injustice. But anyway I'll just ignore it and continue loving my little girl smile

I wholeheartedly agree with you OP. Congratulations on your lovely new baby and best wishes. The attitude you express above will serve you very well indeed.

Apologies if I alarmed with the sleeping comment.

SakuraSunrise · 20/03/2018 17:04

Hi OP, sorry I've only just seen this but couldn't read and run.

My DS was born prematurely via EMCS, they held him up very quickly so I could see him and reach out to touch his hand for a second but then they had to rush him off to neonatal care. I wasn't able to see him until my epidural wore off 4 hours later, and I wasn't able to hold him for 18 hours until they'd stabilised him. For the next week I could only hold him a few times a day as it was important not to over stimulate him. The staff were so lovely and supportive but I felt so detached like I wasn't a 'proper mum' and I'd let him down.

But, after 3 weeks DS came home and we developed an amazingly close bond. 2 years on and he's such a happy and loving boy, the absolute light of my life. At the time I was wracked with guilt about how clinical those first few weeks were, but now I don't think they've affected him or our our bond at all. Be kind to yourself Thanks

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