I'm still pregnant, and back home! On the list for Cat 3 c-section on Friday, daily CTGs until then. My due date was yesterday so DP and I are still hoping it could happen naturally but not pinning hopes on it. We were pressured into the induction on the very shaky evidence of one dodgy growth scan which allegedly showed baby just slightly below the 10th centile. Every single midwife took one look at the size of me (massive) and raised her eyebrows. The sonographer admitted she could not see baby's tummy so guessed the measurements! I know for a fact that I have got bigger since mid-December, which is when they are claiming my fundal measurements became static. I've tried pointing out that five different midwives did my fundal chart; not once was it the same person, despite their 'policy' that is should be.
The pessaries put me into intense pain but it wasn't labour. I had some good contractions at one stage but they went away. I got severe urine retention and had to have a catheter all night the first night I was in; it hurt so much they gave me pethedine so I could sleep. My cervix did nothing; it's like my whole body froze because I was in a state of shock and fear at what was happening.
Every single CTG has been on point and my daughter's movements are as strong and lively as ever. I just feel so strongly that this nightmare has been one giant arse-covering exercise on the part of the hospital. The stress and worry we have been put through has been awful. I have been 'told' what will happen, and that "the doctors will make the decisions" - I had to point out that it's up to me what they do to my body.
Other elements to this too but don't want to write an essay. Hardly any sleep, DP in tears, a history of sexual trauma on my part which was ignored at one stage. I have agreed to a c-section as we are too drained to prolong this. My DP's paternity leave has already started to support me but he is missing out on time with the baby and if it still ended up as a c-section I would have literally nobody else to help me at home.
I have always dreamt of a natural birth and have spent months studying hypnobirthing, learning about oxytocin and natural pain relief, had bought so many things for my hospital bag to help us have the experience we wanted. I was relaxed and calm and enjoying the preparations I could feel my body making to birth our baby. I am now facing problems even in the future, as I have been told that my options for a VBAC would be so limited - no prospect of using the birthing pool, continuous monitoring, etc. It has honestly broken my heart.
I know what matters is just having our baby delivered healthy, and that is what we are trying to focus on now. I would always have accepted interventions if there was evidence we needed them. This has just felt like such a cock up though, and we've been so bullied by the doctors that it's been very, very hard to accept.