To home birth or not, traumatic 1st birth experience, horrid MIL

[fannythrobbing]

30 weeks pregnant with second baby. Baby 1 will be 16 months at my due date.

Delivery for baby 1 was somewhat traumatic (went in with bleeding and reduced movement, dr insisted on a sweep, I declined three times and gave in on the 4th, I haemorrhaged and was induced. Baby back to back, no real progress made for 6 hours, drip increased and increased until I was "doing it properly" and I went from 3cm to fully dilated in 90 mins. Baby wasn't in the right position and became distressed, we were left to see if things would improve and she was checked every 30 mins for 90 mins. Foetal heart decels worsened and we nearly lost baby 1 (only told this after the event naturally!) - we were whisked off to theatre for rotational forceps delivery.)
I've come to terms with this (for the most part) but would very much like to avoid a similar scenario for baby 2 so I'm keen for as hands off an approach as possible (though know things change and I'll do whatever is needed for a healthy outcome.)

Additionally, this time when I go into labour obviously baby 1 will need to be taken care of, I have no family nearby, my partner's mum loves 20 mins away but has undermined my parenting at every turn and has mobility issues so I'm worried about leaving an active toddler who has a vague routine that MIL won't even loosely adhere to. I have to admit that I despise my partner's mother since the birth of baby 1 and the constant undermining so not sure if this is clouding my judgement and I'm being totally unreasonable but I really don't want her involved. (FWIW she's done the same to my partner and he's been annoyed by it too, I still encourage relationships between them all, I just personally keep my distance)

Has anyone had a home birth after a somewhat traumatic though medically straightforward delivery? What are the pros and cons? I live around 20 mins from the hospital (10 mins or less if blue lights). I coped ok with the pain of labour but ended up with a spinal so have no idea what delivery feels like plus I reckon this time my dislike of the MIL is enough to motivate me to keep away from epidurals as I'd want to be up and out ASAP etc.
Am I daft for even considering a home birth given what happened first time? Any pointers would really be appreciated! Sorry this was so long!

I very nearly did, first was similar to yours. Second was really straight forward pregnancy and midwife was a little reluctant at first but came round to the idea. Unfortunately when I went into labour the home birth team were under staffed and couldn't cover me so I had to go in but waited right till the end. Go for it! The women in my family have all had at least 1 home birth other than me!! Good luck

Have you considered leaving your partner at home and having a good friend as your birthing partner? Then you could fully relax and not worry about DC1. This is what I did when I had DS2 and it worked really well for us.

Have you discussed this with your MW?

I second the PP suggesting considering leaving your DP with your DD & having a bottling partner there for support

Hi thanks for your replies!

I have considered leaving him at home but he is absolutely not having that - I'd probably go it alone over taking a close friend though.

He's also not keen on a home birth given the first experience, despite me pointing out that hospital then was the cause of the problem and the solution. We've been reassured by a consultant that the situation last time was a one-off and unlikely to be repeated.

I think I just know that I'll fret over the childcare when I really need to be thinking about the job at hand - last time our dogs had appointments at the groomers the morning after I was admitted and I was begging him to go home that night to take them in the morning and couldn't relax which I know is beyond daft but kind of the way I operate! (I ended up phoning them in the throes of labour apologising profusely for not giving them notice of cancelling the appointment ) I'd like to have nothing else to worry about.
I'll have a chat to my midwife about the perils and pitfalls of a home birth - specifically transfers to hospital and what happens if there's no home birth midwife cover - I hadn't even considered that!

None of the things that happened last time are likely to happen again, you have a very good chance of things going well. Although the childcare side will be more straightforward if you have a homebirth you still really need someone there who can be dedicated to looking after your other one as OH can't do that and support you. Also someone needs to be there for childcare if you need an emergency transfer.

Do you not have any friends who could look after dc?
You need a plan A, B and probably C in order the cover every possibility.
Second births are supposedly faster, we were lucky and dropped dc1 off at fridnds’ in the morning and they handed them back to us in hospital after lunch.

We have friends that live nearby whose son is a few weeks older and goes to the same nursery so they could (and have offered to) drop baby 1 off and pick up from nursery.

Maybe I just need to woman up and arrange childcare with them and hurt MILs feelings - though she wouldn't know until after.

Aside from my not liking MIL I do worry about her lack of mobility (she's waiting for several joint replacement surgeries) with a very active child who fears nothing and enjoys climbing onto the back of the sofa/walker/bookcase etc and throwing herself off, we can get to her in time. MIL couldn't. We will also tell DD to sit down properly and/or avoid the climbing by distracting her with something. MIL knows best and just wouldn't "parent" her at all which is a grandparents prerogative when child isn't so adamant about exploring her own mortality!

I think when creating plan A, B and C MIL just wont feature - I'll look at home birth, nearby friends and going to hospital alone/with a doula or something as my options.
Thanks again everyone!

I had similar first labour to yours. Subsequent labours were as straight forward and text book as they come. (1 was a Home birth with other children present)

However in your plans, especially as childcare is a big factor, have a really good plan for if U have a Home birth, something happens and you are blue lighted to hospital. You will either need someone close by on stand by for childcare or your partner won’t be able to go to hospital with you.

I had a hideous first labour, 17 hours of horridness!!
Second labour was asleep to holding ds in less than 3 hours.
Imo /e once your body has had a practice run, subsequent births are a doddle! (well not quite but ykwim!)

Had traumatic birth ending in ventouse (sink plunger) and repository. My second birth was just as difficult (different hospital, different country). Sink plunger again. My third equally horrific.
I nonetheless would have been absolutely horrified and quite frankly in danger had I been at home with Dc2 and 3. The fact that people always say subsequent births are faster, easier, body knows what to do etc is not always true - lucky for those that that is the case for but a myth nonetheless that all fall into that category. Had I had a home birth myself and my babies might not be here now.

Repository? Episiotomy

You do realise that ambulances for heart attacks routinely take half an hour to come at the moment? Assume a 45 minute wait for an ambulance and then decide if you're happy with your ability to transfer if things go wrong.......

I'm not sure why you're considering a home birth when you haemorrhaged with your first ?

First babies can be stubborn I had a back to back labour and it was painful, but I'm not sure what you wanted the hospital to you in your instance? Wait for you to go into labour without the induction? Or c section?

Last time I didn't haemorrhage during or after labour, the sweep that I didn't want and refused three times caused a significant amount of bleeding and I was then induced - but then I'd gone in to be checked as I'd had a small amount of bleeding so it's hardly surprising that a sweep would worsen that. I was told the initial bleeding didn't seem to be a problem, baby was moving fine and I could go home, dr then insisted on the sweep and there we are...so the main thing I'd change was to not have felt pressured into a sweep at 39 weeks pregnant. As for the induction and the full ramping up of intervention that is par for the course - what was done was done to deliver a healthy baby and we had that - I have no complaint about the induction but would like to actively avoid sweeps and induction if at all possible (though I won't be allowed to go beyond 41 weeks so an induction may be necessary should things not happen before then).

I'll definitely bear transfer times in mind and things like what happens at the midwife led unit if you want a transfer for something straightforward like stronger pain relief or something urgent crops up, like placental abruption.

I'm very aware things can go wrong quickly and absolutely do not want to jeopardise the healthy delivery of my second child over ultimately the dislike and mistrust of my MIL and previously unpleasant experience, I've already said I'll do whatever is needed to get baby here safely - I'm doing as much research as possible into my various options and will take the least risky approach, whatever that may be for me and my pregnancy.

Home is never the least risky approach.

I think you might be considered higher risk. Regardless, childcare isn’t a reason to have a homebirth. You still need someone to look after the toddler. You’ve approx 10 weeks to sort out something- a friend, a sibling, a paid nanny, a neighbour. It doesn’t matter as they survive but you need someone whether you’re going to hospital or at home.

There is a book called ‘Hypnobirthing’ by a midwife called Katharine Graves. I highly recommend getting hold of a copy and having a read of one of the chapters which covers birth rights and how to talk assertively with medical staff. I found this to be absolutely invaluable when I was having discussions with my hospital around my VBAC and what I was ‘allowed’ to do . It was also just a generally very empowering read and I found it so helpful following an also fairly traumatic and highly medicalised first birth experience. Second time around I was fighting against high levels of intervention from the outset, before anything had even happened! And the only reasons given to me were ‘because that’s what we do here’, which I just didn’t feel was good enough. Good luck!

I had a traumatic first birth in hospital and a lovely second birth at home. I only lived five minutes from the hospital for my home birth though.
The two experiences could not have been more different.

Talk it over with your mw. I liked having 1-1 rather than having to share midwives on a busy delivery suite. And I felt so much more in control, which I think affected the overall experience. It was very much ‘listen to your body’ rather than ‘managed’.

It’s stories like yours that influenced my decision to freebirth! And people say that’s dangerous!

Have you thought about hiring a Doula to assist you. (I have no experience with one but am currently looking for one myself) it would be good to have someone there who is experienced and can be a voice to say No when you are in too much pain to do so.
May not have helped with the pressure to have a sweep though, but for other steps along the way. I would love to have a birth helper for reassurance and encouragement no matter what steps are necessary during birth, especially also if ventouse/forceps are needed.

more info on ambulance wait times - I have just been told by a colleague that they recently waited 45 minutes with a critically ill patient on the verge of arrest. You should probably consider that an ambulance to a home birth would take over an hour.

The pain of pushing is no where near as bad as the earlier contractions when you are dilating in my experience. Honestly I wouldn't worry about the pain too much, one push comes to shove you push and get over it. Pushing us much easier without epidural as well.

just been on another facebook group for GPs. they were with a patient having a severe asthma attack, reduced oxygen saturations, very very unwell with life-threatening asthma. Ambulance took one hour and 45 minutes to come.

I don't think anyone should rely on a speedy ambulance for a home birth these days - you have to basically have your own transport and be prepared to accept a delay.

@pigshavecurlytails thanks for your replies! I think if I decided on a home birth we'd get there ourselves. If we illegally used the plentiful bus lanes from our house right to the hospital we could be there in 10 mins if that. We're only about 2 miles away from the hospital so I could probably walk it before an ambulance would get to us even in labour! (I joke)

I'm leaning towards midwife led unit attached to the hospital (I'm classed as low risk) but thanks everyone for your replies!

I had a home birth with my first and am planning one with my 2nd (due any day). I would definitely consider a home birth if it's what you'd feel most comfortable with, but I wouldn't do it purely because of childcare issues.

Obviously in the case of a home birth, if you had reduced movements and bleeding before the start of labour, they would advise you to come into hospital. So I wouldn't be concerned about the risk of a home birth given your previous birth. The home birth midwives would have advised you to do exactly what you did, but they also probably would continue to follow your care and support you in labour along with a consultant, so you might have better continuity of care and support for a hands off birth even if things don't quite go to plan. Honestly though, I think the problem might be that your consultant advised labour augmentation even after you were bleeding. Induction drugs can increase the risk of haemorrhaging by 80% and it seems risky that they decided to advise induction instead of a c-section or a wait and see approach. Same with the rotational forceps. It can be a really high risk procedure (I actually thought they didn't even use them any more because of risk of birth injuries? I'm not sure now where I read that). At any rate, you can always decline induction or forceps. Though I'm having a home birth, I have in my birth plan that I refuse to have induction drugs or a forceps delivery and would consent to a c-section instead, assuming there is time to intervene, which there almost always is except in rare circumstances. So even if you do need to go into hospital from home or you opt for a hospital birth, you can still decide in advance what instinctively feels right for you and you can decline these specific procedures for others. For most, a c-section, even an emergency one, is often less traumatic than forceps, so that's something to consider even if home birth ends up not being right for you. That might make you feel like you have more control over the situation and make it all around more positive.

As for childcare, I wouldn't stress too much about your MIL looking after your LO, but do you have anyone else, even someone like 2 hours away who could come and help? We are in a similar situation in that we don't have family nearby (or friends who would be available, they all work and have small children) who could help us. MIL is about 1.5 hours away but we are NC with her due to genuine safeguarding issues (her partner is a convicted paedophile, neither she nor the partner have any contact with our children and certainly I would never feel comfortable even in an emergency having her be with our daughter unsupervised). Our next closest family are 2 hours away, which is close enough for a planned labour, but they wouldn't be able to get here in an emergency (neither would MIL for that matter). But as I'm having a home birth anyway, dd will be here with us (she's turning 5, bit easier at that age) and I have a doula. In the event of an emergency, our doula will stay with our dd until family can get here from 2 hours away to relieve her.

You may not like your MIL and you may feel she undermines your parenting, but if you don't think she is actually abusive or poses a risk to your dc, I would consider at least having her on call in an emergency. If it's the difference between your partner being with you or you having to birth alone, then except in extreme circumstances, I would at least consider it. But if you do decide on a home birth and you have a doula (not everyone does or wants one), then maybe talk with your doula about providing emergency childcare if you need to transfer in. I know for me, it's given me real peace of mind knowing there is someone close by who can take care of everything if things go a bit pear shaped. Hoping for a lovely, straightforward birth though and hopefully you'll have the same.