Why is it not common knowledge what happens to you??

[rubyred84]

Firstly, a little disclaimer, I have tokophobia, so am coming at this from a point of bias anyway.

But I just think it's so awful that no one prepares women for the true possible after effects of childbirth. Prolapse, continence issues etc. Even tears. 90% of women tear in some way. I don't think that most first time pregnant ladies know this....i think it's seen as unlucky to tear, when it's actually the norm! And 45% assisted births. It just feels like a massive conspiracy, the ability to have the natural, no damage, no intervention, birth. Its actually much harder to achieve than we are led to believe. Only once your "in the club" do you realise from talking to other women/reading on sites like this, that birth injuries to mothers are pretty normal. And when you speak to doctors about issues afterwards, they look at you as if to say "didnt you know this could happen? Its pretty normal" But the risks of vaginal birth are never discussed before you have a baby.

You can probably tell I'm anxious, but I just feel like I've peeked behind the curtain so to speak, and it all feels so dishonest.

I also didn’t request a c section as I didn’t have a medical reason for one.

Fwiw, I’m due to have dc2 by ELCS in a few weeks. They offered it to me immediately due to previous shoulder dystocia, but I didn’t bite their arm off the way I would have done if they’d offered me a cs with dc1. Basically, because I was lucky in that my injuries were so much better than I’d imagined, despite assisted birth etc. In the end, it was the risk to the baby if another shoulder dystocia happened (raised risk after having it already) which clinched it.

I think I was well informed of the risks, tbh. I had 'DO NOT CONSENT TO' on a number of items on my birth plan. I was not informed how most of what happens in the hospital is in direct opposition to effective labour.

Luckily, I went to a stand alone MLU to check if I was more than 5cm dilated before heading to the hospital. I, thank god, chose to stay there as I was at 8cm. I also had the extraordinary good fortune (accident rather than design) of continuity of care throughout pregnancy and labour/birth for DD1.

I feel like I had the reverse experience- no one hid anything from me, in fact I feel like when I was pregnant all I heard was gory horror stories and I was terrified but in fact the birth was lovely- straightforward, quick and no injury or post partum issues whatsoever. I honestly loved the whole experience. And my second was the same so not a fluke for me

Someone (sorry, forgotten who!) asked about the increased risks of
older mothers giving birth. Some of the stats are drawn together in this New Scientist article. They include a 15% chance of an anal tear for women who are 40. I'm in my mid-30s, so not quite there yet, but I agree with OP - we aren't told about these things. No one has told me about the increased risks I face - or any of the risks - but they have certainly told me about all the risks or ELCSs. Just relying on the stories of other women rather than hearing the statistics is very different. I think we should be told these statistics openly.

www.newscientist.com/article/mg23130813-000-uk-doctors-may-starting-warning-women-of-childbirth-risks/

YANBU.

But what amazes me even more, is how many woman have a second or third baby even after experiencing a horrific birth.

My experience wasn't that bad - an EMCS which actually delighted me but i would never, ever have had a second child.

I had my first at 34 and suffered a 3rd degree tear. Thanks to post-partum care, I have no lasting effects. Worse though was a haemorrhage, for which I required a blood transfusion. I am due to have DS2 next Thursday by c-section, which was recommended by the obstetrician. Had no qualms saying yes as I don’t want to go through another vaginal birth; my body wasn’t very good at it first time around so I’m not inclined to play the lottery again.

I feel like that too @DeltaG. My first birth was awful, truly awful. Felt like my body was not designed for it at all! I have been told I've got to have an ELCS next time (am starting to TTC soon) and I couldn't be happier with that. I know the risks, I'm happy with them.

I was prepared to give birth by a fantastic midwife who taught me how to massage my perineum with Arnica oil (other oils can also be used) to prevent tearing: DD1 was 4.2kg, natural birth, no pain relief whatsoever, minimal pain and and no tearing.
Furthermore, she warned me that pooing because you are pushing is completely normal - so she took the "embarrassment factor" out of that.
My Mum had told me horrendous stories about having enemas when me and my brothers were born so believe me, the pooing is preferable.

I had 4 enemas and they weren't horrendous.

I'm the opposite, I was prepared for feeling horrific after giving birth. I had a second degree tear but after a couple of days taking paracetamol felt fine. I'm not sure how it would have helped me to have had people ramming statistics about prolapses and tears down my throats before going into hospital. I think most women are aware of the risks.

OP, I hear you. Sorry, haven't rtft, but its horrific, even if it all goes to plan. Our bodys and minds somehow forget how awful it is though. I start to consider more until I really think about it, then decide I'm not ready!!

I kind of agree with accrual as well though. I’m not sure how helpful it might have been to have all the statistics rammed down my throat.

It seems to be a bit all or nothing when people are advising expectant parents about childbirth; either it’s all marvellous or it’s hell. My experience was neither marvellous, nor hell.

That said, I didn't do any NCT classes because I already knew I'd be having a medicalised birth experience so it felt like it was all going to be too woo for me. And I've got a lot of matter of fact friends and family, including medics who don't tend to sugarcoat things.

@Maragaritaanyone89 , I was part of a yoga in pregnancy class that still met up for a few years after having our first babies. We talked a lot and very openly about getting back to sex after birth. There were 9 of us, and we all had had your fear of loss of intimacy.
None of us felt much like sex for ages, but we'd all done it after a few months, and it was fine for all of us. I remember one woman worrying that penetration would be " like chucking a sausage down the street " but need not have worried!
My pelvic floor has not been quite the same it's true, but everything still works, and intimacy is Just as good as always.

It’s the little things you don’t think about as well. I tore with DC1 - not deep, but it did go quite high up. I have this little fold of scar tissue now and sometimes during sex it pinches and it’s suddenly v painful! But we just stop and move and it goes again. I don’t go into that kind of detail when talking IRL.

There’s also benefits though - for about 18m after DC1 I was having multiple orgasms from sex! Apparently it’s quite common for vaginal birth to result in more pleasurable sex after. Similar but milder impact of DC2 and 3.

All my births were straightforward and although I do have scars and a slight layout change down there, I also get more/easier pleasure from penetrative sex (DH insists he can’t detect a physical change, but is happy I’m happy lol)

Trouble is, if you’ve had one VB you’ll likely have another. Have one CS you’ll likely have another. So you rarely get balanced stories from the same people. And different people tell experiences differently. So even if people are open and honest you may well end up with a skewed impression anyway.

I've never had a child and I knew the things in your OP. I'm forty so I may not have known them all at 20, but I knew quite a bit as my mum had told me. Doesn't someone contemplating pregnancy have a responsibility to read a bit for themselves? You can't expect your GP or midwife to tell you everything?
Apart from that, people probably don't want the human race to come to a halt.

@MrsHoneyMummy

I bought an Epi-No device to stretch the perineum and used it religiously, along with massage, from 7 months. I still had a 3rd degree tear. It’s the luck of the draw....

Read this
www.newscientist.com/article/mg23130813-000-uk-doctors-may-starting-warning-women-of-childbirth-risks/

Sorry missed the earlier post as didn’t refresh!

I agree op, birth can leave you with unbelievable daily issues to live with and there are no proper stats following a woman from birth and labor through to the after effects.
Its just something we have to go through.

I don't personally believe in sugar coating and I feel this because I see too many women in utter shock after labour wondering the hell happened. Your going into battle and I think people who go into battle should be armed. Esp when the care you get on wards is patchy to say the least

I have had both ways, and elc was much much better than vag delivery . By a very longway and my vag wasn't that traumatic at all in fact head mw told me I was very lucky and I was.

AccrualIntentions

No.

There are soooo many risks though...I had an elc because of my fears second time, I felt I got extremely lucky the first time and didn't want to risk it. Even after extensive research on what can go wring my second NCT group all of them had different issues I had never heard about - nearly dying constant repeat visits to hospital etc.

Some births are easy, some are bearable, some are traumatic, some are hideous, some have tragic outcomes.

It does not help anyone in the slightest to believe that if you had just read the right book, listened to the right podcast, went to the right classes you would have breezed through it all with barely a twinge.

I completely agree OP.

I learnt about the birth process, pain relief options, likelihood of more intervention with epidural but that was it.

NOTHING like my dd's birth involving drugs to speed things up which seemed to join all contractions together. I seriously thought I was dying. Episiotomy AND fourth degree tear, and now 13 years later, prolapse. Horrific. Ds born by elective cesarean - a complete walk in the park by comparison.

I always had a sense when pregnant and talking to new mums with babies that there was a look in their eye/something they weren't telling me and fcuking hell I was right.