How soon is it reasonable for relatives to come and visit the newborn?

[GardenDreamer]

Hello everyone,
I'm 40 years old and my wonderful husband and I are expecting our first child in a couple of months - I'm just into my 7th month. I'm a bit nervous of course. Think we've just had quite a big argument as I mentioned that I'm assuming his relatives might naturally want to hold off visiting us when the baby arrives until at least 2-3 days after we are all home so we can recover. He was quite upset and thinks I'm being over dramatic to stipulate a minimum time. Am I? I thought 2-3 days in private rest sounds ok?? I want reassurance that I'll have time to recover as I feel under pressure already with the excitedness of his big family - and he feels quite angry that his needs and the needs of his family (who are so keen to come down as soon as possible) aren't being met. I said quite calmly that I'd like to be able to see how I feel - and I feel quite angry that I'm being told by him that I'm being over-dramatic to assume that I'll need some space - but I'm only asking for 2-3 days. Is it over-dramatic or will I come home full of energy wanting to throw a street party??! I only have one member of the family, my dad, to consider as a visitor whereas my husband has a very keen large family (who are absolutely lovely by the way). I love his family - a lot, truly - but I just need to know I'll have some space. I'm happy to admit that my default setting is 'back off' in this situation (although I'd never actually say that to anyone) and also I don't come from a large family and I LOVE privacy. He's really angry with me and feels his needs aren't being met. Any kind thoughts please?

Hi saffronwblue thank you so much. Yes - thank you - that's exactly how I see it!!! I know my own faults you see and I know that if I feel pressured into too much too soon I'll react in a way that will make me sad in the long run and I want him to love me as I am (dramatic or not!) and just try and shield me in the best way he can from myself actually as much as early visitors. I want to feel protected and I'd like him to put being calm and happy as the priority - nothing rushed. I too want him to enjoy the sheer joy of the baby meeting his family - of course I do - it will make us both extremely happy - but in these months before the birth when I confess I'm a little nervous, I just want to feel that we can prioritise and anticipate things at a comfortable and happy pace....
I like the 'worship' bit. Ha ha!!!! Yes. Correct - big thumbs up to that, ha ha! THANK YOU...

You are not being dramatic, you are simply being realistic.

Neither of you can predict when and how the birth will go. If might be straightforward and relatively quick, but it might be long with both of you not having slept for 48 hours.

As a pp said, whilst your needs are the most important here, he's also underestimating how he might feel at the time, depending on what happens.

It's lovely the family are all so excited, which is exactly why you need to set reasonable expectations now, so that no-one is disappointed. If all goes well and your happy to have family visit sooner - then great.

As I said I expect not to want to see anyone for a few days, but felt very differently at the time. For the first 48 hours (DS was born in the morning after a quick Labour so I'd had a good sleep the night before) I was feeling great - probably high on adrenaline . I actually felt worse on days 3/4/5 after 2 hourly feeds and trying to establish a routine. I really didn't want to see anyone at that time.

If you are going to an NCT class I'd bring the subject up and you'll find everyone saying much the same as here. It will probably help your DH to "stop being a tit" once he hears it from other people (and also other partners being supportive of that stance).

He doesn't get it right now but he might understand once the baby is born. When I was pregnant DH asked if he could go to a concert a few weeks after my due date... once DS was born it was never mentioned again!

I live abroad and when I had DS we had no family nearby and only a very small network of acquaintances. I had the loveliest two nights in hospital alone with just DS and DH. They were the best two days of my life, honestly. We were so comfortable and happy. I think that made a big difference to how I bonded with the baby and my mental health later on.

Ha! Thanks FartnissEverbeans!!! Yes I can see how that happens actually - my husband has a huge friends reunion about 150 miles away 8 days before our due date for a whole weekend and at the moment he thinks he wants to go (!!!!!!!) but I'm hoping that he'll realise quite soon that that would be a bit weird to be honest. How can I leave to waddle around the house so close to due date for a weekend??? I've no experience of birth obviously, but I'm hoping he's learning as we go through this process and I hope he'll understand the complexities of family intrusion after the birth too... (I hope).
It'll be ok... I just makes me stressed that he gets cross with me for supposedly making boundaries (?!!!) when I just think I'm being realistic, but hey!!!

Your experience sounds heaven actually - I'm glad for you - and hope for the same

Typed that wrongly. Meant how can he leave me to waddle round house alone (not him!)

They really have no idea do they? I wondered at one point if it was some kind of coping mechanism to help deal with the worry and lack of control. But maybe I'm being too generous there...

Honestly just see how you feel. I thought I would want a couple of days to ourselves. But then ds arrived and I was desperate to show him off. SIL came 6 hours after I gave birth.