How soon is it reasonable for relatives to come and visit the newborn?

[GardenDreamer]

Hello everyone,
I'm 40 years old and my wonderful husband and I are expecting our first child in a couple of months - I'm just into my 7th month. I'm a bit nervous of course. Think we've just had quite a big argument as I mentioned that I'm assuming his relatives might naturally want to hold off visiting us when the baby arrives until at least 2-3 days after we are all home so we can recover. He was quite upset and thinks I'm being over dramatic to stipulate a minimum time. Am I? I thought 2-3 days in private rest sounds ok?? I want reassurance that I'll have time to recover as I feel under pressure already with the excitedness of his big family - and he feels quite angry that his needs and the needs of his family (who are so keen to come down as soon as possible) aren't being met. I said quite calmly that I'd like to be able to see how I feel - and I feel quite angry that I'm being told by him that I'm being over-dramatic to assume that I'll need some space - but I'm only asking for 2-3 days. Is it over-dramatic or will I come home full of energy wanting to throw a street party??! I only have one member of the family, my dad, to consider as a visitor whereas my husband has a very keen large family (who are absolutely lovely by the way). I love his family - a lot, truly - but I just need to know I'll have some space. I'm happy to admit that my default setting is 'back off' in this situation (although I'd never actually say that to anyone) and also I don't come from a large family and I LOVE privacy. He's really angry with me and feels his needs aren't being met. Any kind thoughts please?

A friend of mine had all of her family meet their new baby on the weekend after he was born at a trip to a nice local pub. I was a bit surprised when she told me this plan but realised it was quite clever as it meant all the family met the baby on one fairly intense afternoon and they could leave when they felt they'd had enough whereas when people come to your house it can be difficult when you've had enough and want them to go and you have to fight the urge to play hostess and be rushing round getting drinks and offering snacks.

Excellent advice from @ZaphodBeeblerox

I was in a really similar situation to you @GardenDreamer, DH has a big family, they live 2hrs away etc. And we had similar arguments. He wanted his family to come immediately and his DB to come and stay for 3 nights when DS was 2 weeks old and couldn't understand why I wasn't happy with this (thankfully literally everyone agreed with me that BIL staying was a bad idea)

I had a very traumatic birth, ending up having to have a general anaesthetic then a c section, so didn't even get to see DS be born so the last thing I wanted was a revolving door of virtual strangers trying to wrestle him out of my arms at day 1 when all I wanted to do was cuddle my newborn and concentrate on feeding and bonding. I think the problem often lies in the fact that before the baby is born they have no real understanding of how much things are going to change or even how their changing hormones are going to affect how they feel. Us women have 9 months of changing hormones and our lives changing to help us prepare.

Stick to your guns, what you are asking for is completely reasonable and it's your body going through it all. Tell him you don't know how you will feel and that you may be ready for visitors immediately or maybe a week or so after the birth and that when he is the one giving birth he can be the one to call the shots.

I'd say lose arrangements only now as you don't know how you'll feel - also, top tip is limit people's time with you to half hour and tell your husband to host with teas and chat if you go off to bf (if you are bf anyway - nothing worst than an audience cooing over your bare breasts! )
2-3 days is ok imo ... but he's probably just excited too 😉

That reminds me, that was another thing I really resented, having to leave the room to BF.

DS was born in December and we have a freezing cold house in the winter. When there were visitors sitting around in the nice warm, comfortable living room I had to leave and go into the cold dining room or bedroom and sit on my own with no tv etc to feed. I know I didn't have to but at the beginning I didn't feel comfortable trying to get DS latched on in front of FIL, BIL etc.

I know the point @flumpybear was making was that you can leave with the baby for a rest (and quite right too) but I didn't like feeling I had to leave when I just wanted to rest on the sofa in a warm room.

Ah, good. As long he takes on the hosting responsibility that helps!

If your DH is often the anxious one then it may be worth making the excellent point from Skittles DH about not knowing what state he'll be in either. I was in hospital 8 days having DC1 and it put a big strain on both of us. DH was almost as much of a wreck as I was. Luckily, our first big influx of visitors came 5 days after we arrived home. They cooked us a meal then did the housework when we had to leave them suddenly and return to labour ward with complications.

I wouldnt even bother getting in to this as when you have gone through childbirth you can ask for anything you want and he will do it.
I never understand people calling one and a half hours long as, except for his df everyone else should be able to fly up and down one afternoon and thats it. Also remember you will want to show off your baby and it would be an anticlimax not to have any fuss. I would go with parents coming straight away and others hanging back. But l would not contact them myself. Just wait and straight after labour you can decide.
I dont like a guy going into a sulk over anything to do with childbirth. For goodness sake when he has pushed out a baby he can decide.

Hi annaT45 good plan - I'll see what actually transpires of course, but I can see why that would work. I feel ever so selfish for already showing signs of 'drawing the shutters' (and who knows, maybe it'll be brilliant and I'll want to see as many people as possible!) but I know myself when I'm tired basically - I just want to hide away and savour the precious moments...
I'm sorry to hear about your mum - that must have been very hard to deal with. A woman naturally needs her own mother and you'll have suffered without her. Mine is barely there. She doesn't know me. Another of my concerns is that I know I won't want to take my baby into a care home to see her (there's very little point really as she won't know...) and I'm worried about germs and I've had to be firm with my dad about it - but maybe even that will change...
there's lots of real heartbreak in life isn't there (understatement of the year on my part!)
Thanks again for your thoughtful reply
(And thanks to everyone else - everyones thoughts have been BANG ON, thank you!!!)

I'd let them pop n to see the new baby for a few minutes. A bit unkind not to let them see the baby new born.But make it clear it isn't a proper visit just a hello.

Then have a week to yourselves before opening the doors officially.

Hi junebirthdaygirl ! Thanks for your ace reply... yes, I think you're right, it'll all become clear during / after the event, whichever way it goes... I really resent him getting up-tight with me about it as it really IS my call whether he likes it or not and who knows what it'll be like etc. I tried so calmly to explain the various things that I might be going through afterwards (I was really calm but tried to explain the immediate issues...) and was told I was being dramatic and thinking of the worst, whereas actually I was just talking about being very tired and emotionally drained and possibly sore!!!
Actually we have our first NCT class this Wednesday so I'm hoping that will make him aware of the likely events... he says I'm being dramatic which gets my back up as I'm not, I'm just trying to state my case and request reassurance that I'll be able to have the quiet and privacy I think I'll want (I want it already you see!!) In reply to him accusing me of being dramatic, i tried to calmly say that actually giving birth IS possibly one of the most dramatic events healthy people can go through even if it's wonderful and smooth running and he'll have to deal with that. Makes me cross.
Anyway, whatever.... it'll be ok and I fully get what you mean.
I feel much more chilled out this morning about it... very grateful to MN as it helps to know I wasn't being crazy!

Many thanks xx

For every contraction give his testicles a good twist or squeeze. .
See how up to entertaining he is in the days after the birth. . .

It is completely up to you. I think hes underestimating just how difficult labour is!

We did it so that our family did come and visit us in hospital on the first day- they came in dribs and drabs to meet DD. I was completely spaced out of Im honest and cant remember a lot of it however it.meant then that they had all met her and gave us a few more days at home by ourselves. By having it in the hospital too it meant I wasnt having to "host"- they bad to buy their own drinka from.the vending machine. But the bottom line is thats what I wanted- I texted a few of them to say come and visit etc because I wanted to and felt up to it at the time.

I had visitors straight away but my births were super fast and easy, as in 1hr ten and 45mins and with my son I woke up pushing and was home after six hours and went food shopping.

So you may be okay but you could struggle like my sister in law. We never went to see my nephew fortes weeks as she had failed induction then c section and was in pain with her scar and back and was shattered so we didn't want to intrude.

No one knows what you will be like and for that reason you should just play it by ear. Regardless of how I felt though I'd of been happy for my parent in laws to come visit straight away just like my parents as I think that's only fair if your dads coming. I know everyone's different though and it's up to you but I'm sure they will be really excited about your husbands first child being born.

Firstly congratulations! Don't over think this - once baby is here nothing will ever be predictable again! Parents came to visit me and baby in hospital and there was a steady stream of visitors from pretty much the day we got home. I was a bit rough first time round due to a difficult labour but visitors didn't stay too long and just wanted to say hello to the baby - not me so it wasn't really all about me. You will get advice on here telling you and your DP to live in a baby bubble for the first month and see no one - all I wanted to do was show off my lovely new DD. If you really don't feel well enough to see anyone you could stay in bed and let DP introduce baby to his family. At the end of the day - I think it would be wise to wait and see how you feel once little one is here.

I was fine after my births and wanting to show him off straight away. Just say you'll see how you feel.

Stick to your guns. Stay in hospital for a couple of nights (at least). I speak from bitter experience 😄 DH has only just (after nearly 3years) accepted that maybe his folks turning up 30 mins after I'd given birth wasn't great for me. It was great for them, great for him... but they hadn't just given birth.

DS got to meet both sets of grandparents, a great grandmother, uncles and a family friend within hours of being born. I loved it.

Sharing this new member of the family with our family.

I liked having people around, to chat to while feeding the baby, to fetch me food, change the baby, cuddle the baby.

I know it's popular to have this walled off time with the baby but I loved the visits. Newborns are wonderful and I love the joy they bring to others.

I guess it helped that people who came were helpful.

It's worth pointing out you should not book hotels or make hard and fast plans as no-one knows when the baby will turn up or when you will be out of hospital (if you are not having a home birth). Best case scenario is a baby that arrives promptly with little trauma to you both. And you will still need to cope with leaky boobs, a bleeding, sore fanjo, feeling shattered and (insult to injury) still looking pregnant! That's before considering an overdue baby, a long labour, induction or a C-Section (would he still expect family to show up 24 hours after a major operation?).

He is being massively unreasonable. You are not putting them off to for weeks- just until you are ready to see them. Two days makes fuck-all difference to them, but it will really help you.

I was 40 when I had my DS.
Both sets of Grandparents visited in hospital on the day of his birth - 6am birth. I had a relatively easy birth and went home the same day.
After that people came and went during the first few weeks. Nobody stayed for long and no one stayed overnight.

I didn't have a problem with visitors, but I understand that everyone is different.

Thanks GotToGetMyFingerOut !
There are no plans for my dad visiting whatsoever - he knows me very well and will keep his distance for as long as I need. He'll be happy with photos etc for a bit - but even so he's very local so he can nip in for a short time when we are ready - whereas my husband's family have mobility issues and need to plan suitable accommodation and book in for a while as they live about 80 miles away (which for healthy people wouldn't be an issue but for them it's more of a big planned event...)
I think I'm over-thinking it to be honest - and I think I'll have to trust that my husband is on as sharp a learning curve as me. I think he'll come round. He will ultimately do what's best for everyone I hope... (I just want reassurance that he'll absolutely put me first on this, but I think he will when the time comes)
I'm different to him with social / family matters that's the issue. We had our baby through IVF and he wanted an enormous wedding anniversary party when we were just about to embark on IVF (which I was terribly stressed and emotional about) and I went along with it and we had our party but I didn't enjoy a minute of it and ended up telling his family that I hate parties (we were also in the middle of big building work in the house and we had to work like hell to make it semi-decent for people to even stand in the space which meant not having a holiday that summer just so we could get the house ready for a huge party of 60 guests - I just felt then that his priorities were skewed as we should have been just enjoying our time together and staying calm ahead of IVF). His natural (and rather loving and generous) personality is very much to open the doors, whereas I am quite shy and private in such things and I naturally close doors when I'm going through big changes (I'm a nice person honest!!) as I'm from a tiny family and my mum and dad have always been quite private and quiet too.
In all other ways we are very well matched, but I roar like a lion when I feel my much-needed space is being invaded.
I think my MAIN fear is that I'm totally myself with his family which means I have a great relationship with them - but on this issue I'm genuinely frightened that I'll tell them to back off if I'm not ready and my husband 'opens the doors' too early and I'll regret it. It'll hurt me to do so.
I just want my husband to recognise that and avoid any upset on my behalf and theirs.
Blah blah.... sorry for going on and on!!! Thanks for reading xx

Hi Chocolatear - I think I'm absolutely fine with hospital visits if all is well - I can see it would be happy and also rather convenient- it's the family all booking in hotels nearby for a while so they can be here when baby arrives that is getting me uptight...

What will be will be I guess...

I must focus on the joy of the baby I think. Maybe all the family stuff will just be a blur in the scheme of things...

Thank you for your thoughts! Appreciated indeed

I think you just need to wait and see. I was thrilled to have visitors in hospital the day DD was born, but had a relatively straightforward birth and by the time visiting hours arrived, the baby was fine. It was hit and miss in the next few days, some days I just cried all day and could barely reply to a text, other days I needed people around. I couldn't have predicted it beforehand.

Could you compromise and let the grandparents visit in the Hospital briefly, take a few pics for the rest of the family and agree that when you are all settled at home, the rest can visit for a short while each very the following week or so?

Over...not very

Thanks TheABC power to you!!! I appreciate that xxx

Bringing a new human being into the world is one of the most dramatic things you will ever do. You will be some combination of wrecked, elated, numb, teary, manic, shocked and needing to process and relive the birth over and over.
His job is to protect and worship you.