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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Any midwives around? Would you have judged me?

50 replies

Snap8TheCat · 29/07/2017 14:10

I had all my babies at home. Dd was my third and final. She's 6 now but this still haunts me and I need someone to tell me how bad this is.

I used gas and air for the final part, (probably 8cm- delivery) and though crowning hurt like fuck, I don't actually remember Dd being born. I was completely out of it on gas and air and think I fainted or close to it through using the g and a. First thing I realise is the mw telling me to turn around and Dd was wrapped up, cord cut and placed on the sofa next to my head. We knew she was a girl and they asked if I 'wanted to check'. I peeped under the blanket , smiled and put my head back down and closed my eyes.

I must have been fine after a few minutes but I feel dreadful that I barely registered that she was here.

As a midwife what would you think? That I didn't care?

OP posts:

Timeforabiscuit · 29/07/2017 16:22

I couldnt look at dd2 when she was born, it was a hard labour, dd2 had a cord round her neck she was so blue she almost looked black - i d idnt handle it well at all, i couldnt look at her just because of the pain. I asked if she was ok, but it was because i should ask, not because of any love, i felt dead inside.

Dh took care of her, and i just remember the midwife rubbing my back in the bath once everything came right and i was just sobbing. I still feel so grateful she didnt force the baby on me, that she gave me that space and time to process a bit, i was almost petrified taking a first look.

I think midwives see such a lot, deal with life on the sharp end so often, that they have much room for judging

reallyanotherone · 29/07/2017 16:26

Ach they asked me if i wanted to see my baby after she was born and i said no and told them to give her to dh.

My blood pressure had dropped, i was feeling, dizzy, shaky and sick, and was in no position to be holding a baby. I held her after she'd been weighed and dressed and i was feeling better.

I don't care what anyone thought of me :)

BoffinMum · 29/07/2017 16:33

I can't quite remember if I have done anything similar but after no 3 came out with arm up in the superman position I was very knackered and got DH to hold him for a bit so I could recover. Quite frankly I couldn't have cared if he was another species at that stage.

Original poster

Snap8TheCat · 29/07/2017 19:27

I really appreciate you all sharing your stories with me, it's definitely helped.

I did consider a debrief at the time but she was born in 2010, it's a bit late now

OP posts:

anotherdayanothersquabble · 29/07/2017 20:49

You know what... We carry things from our births and if we can clear them it helps us and our children.. Time no barrier.

museumum · 29/07/2017 20:52

I just put ds in the funny plastic box cot and was far more concerned with getting food. I was STARVING!!!!

BettyOBarley · 29/07/2017 20:56

I say totally normal too.

During both my labours the G&A made me totally out of it, like I could hear DH and the midwife talking but I was zoning in and out and they seemed like they were talking from a different room, it was really weird!
I was also convinced DH and the midwife were laughing at me at one point

SoPassRemarkable · 29/07/2017 20:57

Never too late for a debrief. I've done them with women who gave birth ten years ago.

ElizabethShaw · 29/07/2017 20:59

After my first was born I refused to hold him or do skin to skin! I remember DH trying to persuade me and eventually the midwife just put him on my chest and tucked him in tightly with a sheet - I still refused to hold him and kept trying to go to sleep. I wouldn't feed him either . DH had to do skin to skin and syringe fed him eventually until I'd had a sleep and something to eat and felt a bit more human.

To be honest I never considered whether midwives would judge!

Badhairday1001 · 29/07/2017 21:08

Don't feel guilty, that's perfectly normal. When my now 11 year old was born by EMCS he was whisked away to special care straight away and I didn't even get to see him.
He came back with his dad and my mum a few hours later all clean and fully dressed and I was devastated because I wasn't entirely sure he was mine. I think I was still out of it on pain relief and in shock but I questioned my mum repeatedly because I thought he could be any bodies baby. It was a very strange experience, I'm not usually paranoid at all.

Mrsknackered · 29/07/2017 21:16

Honestly I think it took 3 hours for me to even register and/or look at DS1. I didn't have an effing clue what had just happened.

SandmanSlim · 29/07/2017 21:27

I disassociated when I had DD. I only remember flashes of nearly a week, and from the outside apparently I was like a zombie. Honestly if they had taken her away I would have rolled over and gone back to sleep I was that out of it. I also had a retained placenta so she was with DH for a few hours anyway while they sorted me out in theatre.

It took me a long time to have DC2 and I had a lot of counselling about it (5 years after the fact). I feel so much better about the whole thing, all that guilt went away, I still feel sad I will never get that time back but it was definitely worth doing the birth counselling. My midwives didn't even seem to notice (nothing in my notes or said at the time) so I assume they weren't judging me!

elliejjtiny · 29/07/2017 21:30

When DS5 was born (by c-sec) I didn't realise for about 1/2 an hour. I asked the anaesthetist why it was taking so long as I thought it was supposed to be an emergency and he just laughed and said he'd been born ages ago. Nobody had thought to tell me.

With DS1 he was born at home and I was pushing and he was doing that thing where they slide back a bit in between pushes. I kept shouting at the midwives because I was convinced they were pushing him back in!

You were exhausted and just pushed a baby out, it's totally normal.

Original poster

Snap8TheCat · 29/07/2017 21:32

I just watch a lot of these birthing programmes and see women cry with love and affection for their babies and all I could think was thank fuck that's over and feel completely off my face on gas and air.

Once I felt normal and they'd all gone home I stayed awake all night (adrenaline) snuggling her on my chest.

But in that moment I gave birth, I was too knackered to care.

OP posts:

GuntyMcGee · 29/07/2017 21:45

I'm a midwife and I promise you this is quite a normal reaction. Women are often exhausted, physically and emotionally after having a baby.

To be honest I'm more likely to be silently judging the ones who are updating Facebook and making ten phone calls before the placenta is even out.

I was going to post exactly this!

Lots and lots of women need a breather after birth. Most women I've cared for have at least 30 seconds of 'Let me just rest a minute!', some need a little longer. There's nothing wrong with that at all. In fact, there have been anecdotes from midwives for years saying that most women won't naturally scoop up their baby immediately after birth and that it's a natural physical reaction to such hard work.

You're not unusual, OP and please don't spend any more time worrying about it.

annandale · 29/07/2017 21:54

I was standing when ds was born and the poor midwife was kneeling and offering ds to me like frankincense, but at that point I couldn't move and still had my hands stucK to the wall. I couldn't see why anyone would think I could take on a baby at that point! Dh had to take ds and it took me a long time to unpeel my hands, turn round and sit down. The only worry is why this has played on your mind for so long.

TripleAlphaProcess · 30/07/2017 05:17

I've seen women do this on gas and air, where I work it's blended so I turn it down when it has this effect!! Completely normal though, she wouldn't have thought anything. When my first DC was born I spent some time vomiting and then promptly went to sleep.

NoddysBell · 30/07/2017 05:22

I'm a midwife and I've seen that plenty of times!
When my own were born I wasn't sobbing and cooing like they do on the telly. I just thought 'thank fuck that's over, yes, baby, excellent, where's my cup of tea?’ whilst my husband cuddled them.

GoldenWorld · 30/07/2017 05:25

Another midwife saying this is normal. I've seen so many women feel out of it, sick or get the post birth shaking really badly that I wouldn't even register it.

Hidingtonothing · 30/07/2017 05:35

I said no when they tried to put DD on my chest, they had to just clean her up and give her to DH. I had had an awful (back to back) labour and delivery and did feel completely shocked and dazed. No G & A involved in my case, stupid as it sounds I was in too much pain to ask for pain relief so did the lot on the 2 paracetamol I'd taken at home before we left for the hospital.

I felt horrendously guilty for 'rejecting' her (as I saw it) for ages but I've read enough birth stories now to know it's really not uncommon and has no bearing whatsoever on your future relationship with your child. You got her here safe OP, be proud of yourself for that and let that tiny moment (which DD won't remember anyway) go

Bue · 30/07/2017 05:36

I'm a midwife. Sounds totally normal. Women have such varied reactions after birth and seeming not quite present is a common one. I'm worried that you're still worried about this though...

BoffinMum · 30/07/2017 10:36

I certainly never cried with love and affection immediately after birth. I was more interested in getting us both cleaned up and onto the sofa with a nice cuppa.

Arf at 'offering up like frankincense'!

BoffinMum · 30/07/2017 10:37

I don't think I ever got that big surge of soppiness btw and it mystifies me when other people do, I've even had 4 DCs without seeing it as a great mystical experience.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 30/07/2017 11:07

I think that sounds totally normal.

With both my dc, especially dc2, when they were put on me straight after birth, I didn't hold them. Instead I cried hysterically because I'd just been through hell! I needed a couple of minutes to get it out.

BaskingTrout · 31/07/2017 14:05

DD was an emcs after long labour and many interventions. I was so knackered I couldn't have held her for the first few minutes because I was shaking so much I would have dropped her, even if I wasn't off my face.
DS was an elcs for transverse lie but because he was in such a stupid position, wedged right up under my ribs and very stuck, he was very difficult to get out. they dragged him out by one foot in the end, which meant I was hammering the g&a during the section.
I only realised he had even been born when the midwife poked her head round the screen and said "erm, don't you want to know what you've had?" (DH knew he'd been born but he hadn't started breathing straight away and needed a bit of help, so had kept me occupied in case I panicked. he needn't have worried!!)

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