Terrified and need opinions / advice

[Dowhatmakesyouhappy1212]

Hi everyone!
I feel a bit of a fraud using this site because I'm not yet a parent...
However!!!
This is my question...
What is better a vaginal birth or a c section??

I ask this because I am absolutely terrified of giving birth vaginally (and I have been since I was about 14) I can't explain why the only reason I can think of is because I've heard so many horror stories.

Before somebody gets on the bandwagon and starts saying I'm too posh to push or anything like that it's not that at all. I'm not frightened of the pain involved because I've had several operations that are quite painful and dealt with them just fine.

I'm frightened of things going wrong, every mother you speak to loves to share their gruesome tales of what went wrong and the trauma they endured. No one is open to tell you that actually the birth was quite well controlled and a nice experience.

I'm really hoping there are some mothers out there that did have a good experience and aren't frightened to share that with me because I'm on the verge of not having a child at all because I'm so scared.

Sorry if this irritates people but you wouldn't stick a woman terrified of spiders in a room full of them and that's how it feels!!

Please help!! I really really want to get over this fear.

Thanks

Also bit of background I'm 27, married and have been with my husband 7 years I'm an only child and only one of my friends has a baby (which she had a section due to medical reasons). So don't have much experience of labour (by being a birthing partner or anything like that)

It is hard to watch someone in labour though, if you've no idea how labour feels. I used to be freaked out watching birth on tv, but having been in labour, and having had c-sections, it is easier to get a sense of what is happening, and when to worry, or not! There are more vaginal births than c-sections, so statistically you are going to have heard more stories of natural births going wrong than c-sections, if you just poll your friends. But if you properly compare the two, then c-sections are more risky. I think you are panicking about a vaginal birth because it is unknown, whereas surgery is something familiar to you? Once you've had one baby though, you'll probably feel much more pro a vaginal delivery. I am early 50s and most of my friends have had children. Only one had an episiotomy. Several didn't tear with any of their births. Several had home births (one at home alone!). Most of them had straighforward births, especially the ones who had babies in their 20s. The ones who had c-sections were the ones with more complications, before and after birth.
You can find out if you are rhesus neg by asking your GP to test you.

Haha I've been told ginger snaps and strong mints help with sickness but a bit of nausea and vomiting isn't too worrying for me xx

I would second the doula recommendation. I didn't have one with my first labour and have one booked for the upcoming labour. It is helpful to have someone who can be a bit more emotionally detached and who also has more experience with birth and is able to decipher what the midwives/doctors are saying and/or ask pertinent questions about other alternatives.

Thanks SirVix I think you're right it's a bit like fear of the unknown I'm a very organised person I plan every aspect of my life and I feel that the whole "being out of control" frightens me a bit too xx

Also what is a doula?? X

It's quite natural to be fearful of the unknown, but try to think positive, if it was really is bad as you fear surely the majority of women would only have one child.

I have had two DC, by natural delivery, no pain relief with either, I didn't plan it that way, I was very open to options. I am not great with pain either. I won't kid you, yes it does hurt, but it was not unbearable, it is what your body is designed to do.

You will cope, please don't spoil a pregnancy by worrying. Labour is very quickly forgotten, and it's only a fraction of time and totally worth it. Everyone's experience is different, both of my labours were different, I have no negative thoughts about it. Good luck OP.

I was similar to you and had been brought up surrounded by horror stories of childbirth. My mother started crying when my sister told her she was pregnant.

I had a vaginal delivery first time, I was very frightened and didn't cope with the pain well, but once I had an epidural I was fine. They are marvellous things.

I've had 3 very different births. My elcs was very calm but obviously the recovery is longer and I didn't like the waiting around to go down.
The calmest one was a vaginal birth where I had tried to be as positive as could and focused on the fact my body could give birth. I used natal hypnotherapy cds which made a huge difference and you can use as relaxing regardless of which type of birth. Maybe try them?

Oh and the calm birth I had a quick labour and no time for pain relief but didn't really miss/need it!

I had twins via vaginal birth, had an epidural and gas and air. It was fine, very little pain. Then I had a breech vaginal birth, did go wrong a bit....bleed and no time for any pain relief, they had to push him back in and unhook his leg out from behind his head, it was painful. But it only took about 15 mins, over nice and quick and soon forgotten! And actually the contractions were painful but I was so far along his foot was poking out before I made it to delivery room, I just thought I had a poo that wouldnt come out!!!!!

Op I understand where you are coming from.
I opted for an ELCS had a wonderful birth. Just perfect for us.

A few years later I sadly had a MMC at 17 weeks where they had to induce a natural labour. Whether it was the drugs involved I don't know but it was horrific and I remember just passing out with pain and having to have blood transfusions etc
For me personally I'd Opt for a C section again.

I did the daisy foundation active birthing antenatal classes and they really helped me. Without wanting to sound too airy fairy, I found it all quite empowering and made me more confident that I would get through it whatever happened.

In the end I had a vaginal birth with gas and air. Yes it was painful and overwhelming at times but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. And it's not constant. The contractions come and go so I just kept thinking about getting to the end of that contraction rather than thinking of getting to the end of the whole process.

I'm pregnant again and I'd love it if this time I could have a birth similar to my first, so it must not have been too bad!!

A doula is a person who attends another woman while she's in labour. Not necessarily medically trained like a midwife, but will be on hand to keep you calm / focussed / help you out. See doula.org.uk/about-doulas/

Re being able to plan things... I think that labour is the start of realising that plans are nice, but once babies arrive they are often thwarted :D Starting with the fact that the arrive when they feel like it (unless you have an induction or section date booked in)

Try to think of birth stories a bit like trip advisor - everyone only posts the bad reviews!!
Some mums are made to feel they are showing off or smug if they had an easy labour so don't talk about it

Thank you everyone it's nice to know a "normal" labour exists that isn't as terrifying.

I'm going to look into the suggestions people have made

All I can say is god help the poor sod who ends up being my midwife 😂

I think it is really important to understand that the screaming and noise women make when delivering isn't really directly pain.

I have 3 dcs, all vaginal deliveries, last 2 with no pain relief. Although the first baby was a long labour and slow to deliver, the last 2 were very quick, and straightforward, really positive experiences. Yet if you had recorded me, I was noisy!

Think about a weight lifter grunting as they lift, or Serena Williams making loud noises as she serves. The noise is part of the physical effort.
If I was pushing a heavy weight I might go AAAARGGH as we pushed. It is something we do when doing something which is hard physically.

But my births were amazing! And with number 2 and 3 I was up and about the same day. Yes they were hard work, and painful, but in a controlled and expected sort of way. I have had operations which were far worse.

Also, although many women have episiotemies, you really don't feel them at the time!

I'm not sure if anyone has suggested it, but hypnobirthing might be helpful. I went to a hypnobirthing session and found the breathing techniques really helpful in labour and I felt overall more positive about the whole thing, even though I ended up with an EMCS in the end. Whatever you decide, good luck and see if you can get some extra support in place if you need it.

I've had one birth so far (DC2 in progress) and wanted to share my good experience.

I opted for a home birth because of a fear of a clinical environment and bright lights, and my local midwife-led birth centre wasn't due to open until a few weeks after my due date. I was low risk but went a bit over.

My labour was quite long and painful. But it was positive in that the care was excellent, I felt in control and I made the decisions. I decided by being at home I'd have nothing stronger than gas and air, I decided when it was time to go to the hospital, and even when I was in hospital and had an episiotomy, I felt it was my choice. So although not completely straightforward, a positive experience which I'm proud of.

That's the wonderful thing about living in the UK, you have a choice and support will (hopefully) be made available to you to explore the options.

I had a wonderful birth experience. That fab I posted in AIBU about am I odd for having a top time lol. Search my thread and you will see some lovely birth experiences from me and other posters. I was scared too beforehand but it was great!

I'm not going to lie, I didn't have the easiest natural birth (could've been worse) but I had five days of recovery and then I was able to push the pram, go on short walks etc and a lot of the pain had gone. For me, the worst bit was the stitches (they didn't hurt at the time, but for a week after they were really sore), but then after five days I was able to do normal people things and felt much better. I was worried too about giving birth but the staff were excellent (mostly). I had an episiotomy and it really wasn't that bad; didn't feel it at the time and has healed nicely. I had DD two weeks ago (first baby) and apart from low iron and tiredness, I'm fine. I only had gas and air (epidural failed but that's rare) and it's honestly a pain you forget (especially when cuddling your newborn). I hope you get what you want at the time and that your birth goes well, either as a c section or natural

I do think sometimes of a friend who is a specialist Gynae Physio

She opted for an ELCS

I've had both and honestly, my CS was a breeze, very little pain and very swift recovery. If you opt for a vaginal birth I would highly recommend an epidural.

Unfortunately you won't know until you have given birth! I was very positive pre- birth, did all my hypnobirthing, attended positive birthing classes, repeated my affirmations. In labour I did all the things I was taught. But my body isn't meant to give birth, my contractions whilst painful did nothing, DS got stuck, was in the wrong position and I ended up with an episiotomy and forceps, retained placenta, birth trauma, double incontinence, loss of sensation, damaged pelvic floor muscles and PTSD and PND. 18mobths on and 12 months of physio and medication and I'm still not recovered. I had no idea of any of this pre- birth.

Due to risk of permanent incontinence and further loss of sensation I'll never have more children. This has put a serious strain on my marriage. As has the lack of intimacy and sex.

However, my husband's colleague died from complications from a c section!

There's no easy answer, it depends on too many factors. Unfortunately you won't know until you do it!

If I'm completely honest I bloody love giving birth so much so that when awaiting the arrival of DC2 I realised I was actually more excited for labour than I was for the arrival of the baby. I have said before that I'd happily give birth every month over having a period. I find the whole experience just completely awe-inspiring in a way that nothing else in my life ever had been. DC2 is now 3weeks old and I'm starting to crave giving birth again...

My mum had complications with all of her babies, despite normal low risk pregnancies and I was expecting the same to be honest. I'm a huge over-preparer so I spent a lot of time researching everything I could about labour and birth and risks and interventions. You name it!

I stumbled across a site called midwifethinking.org and it was the single most useful source of information I found. Might be worth a visit.

FWIW I didn't have particularly amazing labours to taint my experience either. Fairly bog standard really - though one back to back and one who came out facing completely sideways! So not particularly ideal labours actually!

You can't plan a birth. That makes it hard for people who like to be in control, but the whole process of pregnancy and birth is out of your hands. Even when or whether you manage to get pregnant or not. The baby is a factor too. You can try and plan, you can have an idea of what you'd like, but nine time out of ten your actual delivery will be different.
Accepting that it is all in the hands of fate is the only way through !