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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Husband against ecs

55 replies

SecretSquirrelTV · 13/03/2017 16:35

Hi,
I'm 16 weeks pregnant with my first child and really scared!

I'm happily pregnant and can't wait to have our baby.

But I am beyond scared about delivery (both for baby and me). So much so that I told my husband I might speak to the midwife about an ecs. He was pretty disgusted and used words such as disappointing & lazy. I was so upset he immediately apologised and said I could do whatever I wanted.

He sent me a few text messages the next day asking how I was and then said that his big problem was that it took the shine off things for him, knowing we would have a date in the diary for baby to arrive, like a reminder to pick up dry cleaning etc. But whatever I wanted.

I was really upset and still am.

I don't know what the right thing to do is, in terms of the birth & this has just made things even worse. I've spoken to the midwife who is referring me to a midwife on delivery suite who can talk me through things and failing that will refer me to a obstetrician to discuss/ageee ecs.

I'd really like some advice (and not so much judgement please), thanks x

OP posts:
Patchouli666 · 13/03/2017 18:25

I've had four csecs and the are major abdominal surgery. I doubt Bert much if you and baby are healthy that you'll get any midwife to refer you to a. consuktsnt for an elcs for no reason medically. The NHS is cutting ops that aren't essential due to funding and I'm afraid a c sec based on want not need won't get over the hurdles They are also trying to get the C sec rates down to be online with WHO targets.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 13/03/2017 18:34

The WHO doesn't have a recommended section rate and hasn't for almost a decade, and a good thing too.

SaneAsABoxOfFrogs · 13/03/2017 18:42

I hate to admit it, but before I had my son my friend had 2 babies, both by ecs, because she was so afraid of birth and I did judge her for it. I would never dream of saying it to her, I supported her just as I would any other friend and I hope she never knows how I felt. It was only when I was pregnant that I really understood how much carrying a baby costs both physically and emotionally, and understood how scary the thought of labour could be. My point is that your husband doesn't really know how you feel, and will probably never know as he'll never be in that position, but he should try to be understanding and he should most definitely be supportive. I hope he realises soon that he's been a grade A twat.

mimiholls · 13/03/2017 18:50

It's your body and your choice. He does not get a say, it's his position to support your birth choice. An elcs is a totally valid option. I have had one and I am so glad that I did. I would suggest you do all your research about pros/cons and risks of both options and go in to your meeting with a clear decision. If you are wavering you might find it very difficult to get it agreed as they will do all they can to dissuade you. Mental health/anxiety is a very valid reason and a consultant will accept it as such if you make your reasons very clear.

ShuttyTown · 13/03/2017 18:51

This thread has made me rage. As someone who has had two c-sections, one an emergency and one planned you can tell your cunt of a husband they aren't a fucking walk in the park or make a woman lazy!

If my DH said this to me I'd LTB

raviolidreaming · 13/03/2017 19:32

I'm afraid a c sec based on want not need won't get over the hurdles

I had an elective c-section last month when I went overdue, based on want rather than need as I did not attempt sweep or induction.

NICE Guidelines (possibly just that though; guidelines not rules) state that maternal request for a c-section is sufficient reason for one.

Original poster
SecretSquirrelTV · 13/03/2017 19:58

Agree- raviolidreaming a bit judgey of patchouli666!!
Oh and I think I will get a section based on my discussion with the midwife. Anxiety and worry are very much considered a 'reason medically' x

OP posts:
raviolidreaming · 13/03/2017 20:01

Absolutely. You're not just a vessel - your wellbeing is important too.

DuggeeHugs · 13/03/2017 23:31

Gosh - I'm not surprised you were upset by his comments! I had an EMCS with DC1 and it was wonderful. The recovery wasn't a walk in the park, but that is often true of VB deliveries too. DH and I agreed the day DC1 was born that if we ever had another DC then I'd be wanting an ELCS because it was so much safer for me. I'm now 21 weeks with DC2 and trying to get agreement for an ELCS.

You need to do this your way; given all of the risks associated with childbirth feeling pressured into a birth you don't want is likely to cause more harm than good.

SeriousSteve · 13/03/2017 23:37

Not only is it your decision and your body I'm pretty sure you could request him not to be allowed into the operating theatre... I watched my DD be born by ECS and the entire memory is firmly implanted in my mind, even the music that was playing. Without doubt THE most incredible experience of my life. Your OH is being a dick.

user1483387154 · 13/03/2017 23:46

He is being a TIT. It is completely your decision and whatever you feel is best for your physical and mental wellbeing is the best for the birth.

I am lucky that my H is fully supportive of my ECS.

user1483387154 · 13/03/2017 23:47

Obviously mine previous post should have said ELCS

Helbelle75 · 13/03/2017 23:54

I felt a lot better about options after our antenatal course. We started ours at 25 weeks, which seems early, but I was anxious as well.
I have to say it was a complete eye opener for my DH who didn't really have a clue. I challenge your DH to sit through the child birth options and still say what he did!
You have to deliver the baby, so entirely your choice in my view.

beingsunny · 14/03/2017 00:46

I suggest reading Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering by Sarah Buckley.
I'm a true believer in being prepared, it will take a lot of the fear away and allow you to make informed and confident decisions.

Good luck Smile

Cuppaqueen · 14/03/2017 08:15

WTAF!!! Sorry but I'm outraged on your behalf Shock

Giving birth is a huge deal however you do it and all the choices carry some risks. What IS completely irrelevant to the decision is your DH wanting a 'surprise' (!?!) or judging your ability or desire to push a human out of your vajayjay!!

I'm currently 35 weeks with my first and will be having him by ELCS. The only words I want to hear from my DH with regard to this are 'I completely support you' and 'which champagne would you like me to bring for after?'

Original poster
SecretSquirrelTV · 14/03/2017 09:52

Thank you all, I feel loads better now!
I'll give him the benefit of the doubt this time and put it down to being a nervous first time father.
Thanks for the lack of judgement on the ELCS front too.
Ps I'm still getting to grips with the abbreviations 😂 xx

OP posts:
Redken24 · 14/03/2017 10:22

It's your body - there are so many variables when it comes to labour and birth. If you feel a CS is better suited to you then you opt for that. I'm sure like everyone you have been researching and reading up to your eyeballs 😛 good luck - I had an EMCS after induction and it was an experience. My pal had a planned and said it was a breeze (her words lol not mine)

dataandspot · 14/03/2017 10:28

My ex used to say to me if it was him in labour he wouldn't have any pain relief. Made me feel like a failure about my labour.

He was such a pig. In reality he couldn't cope with a cold let alone with giving birth!

This was not a good way to begin motherhood and I hope you don't let your partner make you feel this way too.

Obsidian77 · 14/03/2017 10:37

Hi op glad you are feeling better.
The most important things are for you to be well and your baby to be delivered safely.
Your husband needs to come to terms with the fact that what he wants and needs are way down the list.
Have you booked to go to ante-natal classes? Sounds like he needs to educate himself more about the realities of pregnancy and childbirth.

oliversmummy26 · 15/03/2017 12:52

Glad you're feeling better OP, your DH is being very unreasonable - it is absolutely your choice and has nothing to do with him!

I had EMCS last time and am swinging between a VBAC and ELCS this time, DH would prefer an ELCS as he says he would "rather I didn't end up with a bucket fanny" Grin but knows that ultimately it's my choice and your DH should support you whatever you decide!

BiddyPop · 15/03/2017 13:09

Even if you had agreed with him and decided to go for natural/vaginal birth, you may have ended up getting booked for induction (for umpteen reasons) or a section for medical reasons. So in both of those cases you may have ended up knowing the date regardless. Would he still feel the same way then, if it was the medics rather than you "making that decision"?

And even if you are booked in for a section, you may fall off the list for that day if emergencies come in and need to go ahead of you - so you might have to go back the next day to collect your DC Grin

Relax, it's a long time away, he will get more awareness of the realities as things get closer and he hears more from the medical professionals. (And it is your body at the end of the day too).

ElisavetaFartsonira · 15/03/2017 13:31

I suggest reading Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering by Sarah Buckley. I'm a true believer in being prepared, it will take a lot of the fear away and allow you to make informed and confident decisions.

As someone who is also a true believer in being informed, I certainly wouldn't. If there's one thing it won't facilitate, it's you making informed decisions. She's a moronic hippy bullshitter and the only thin you'll get from her is scaremongering about anything other than full on NCB.

Steer well clear.

SpookyPotato · 15/03/2017 16:30

He is being really selfish, it's your body and he should be behind you. Loved my two ELCS and so pleased I did them, it took away all the worry about birth.. My DP was happy with whatever I wanted. Recovery was painful for about 4 days and then it seemed to ease really quickly. Good luck with whatever you choose!

jlou2015 · 15/03/2017 19:19

I wonder if hubby was to give birth would he do it completely naturally. hmmm I doubt it. It makes men squimish enough birth and ultimately it is your decision. It is a shame his answer was more about you being lazy rather than dont have a c section because you will get a scar and it may tear and you need extra help when it is born so it will be hard for you. That should have been his answer. But he is not alone I kniw of a man who thinks like that but its up to you. I had a birth naturally no meds or assistance because let me tell you I was into much pain as I didnt dilate and I had to let myself tear. So now in my 2nd pregnancy I am trying to remember that pain so bad I couldnt scream sitting on the toilet was my only comfort I gave birth crouching and my thighs hurt for days and my stitches oozed and I could barely pee I was in agony. I am thinking maybe now I may opt for an ECS because I am scared about the impending mental effect as my birth draws near. I had a fabulous experience with great staff its just that I pushed without dilation because my body didnt allow my cervix to dilate. Its that simple the pressure was so intense it just happened and I hemmorghed and the blood loss meant I had to have a blood transfusion but I was distressed and begged and ctied no and I was let off. BUT I healed so well and the stitches were done immediatrly and perefectly I honestly I better off in that department bow. AND NO visible scars. Trust your instinctsand get advice from mamas who have been there Smile Not your loving partner...Men have NO idea... xx

Phillipa12 · 15/03/2017 19:36

I have had 1 emcs and 3 elcs, none of which were an easy option, its all very well him saying you can do whatever you want, i would be reminding him that thats also true for choosing birthing partners and unless hes going to be supportive of your choice then he will find himself not on the delivery suite!