My little girl was born 5 weeks ago and am finding myself troubled by the fact that the first moments after the birth are already very hazy memories. I was looking forward to first meeting her so much - I even found myself welling up in the ante-natal classes when they described what would happen, and everybody talks about this sense of overwhelming love that you feel straightaway. But while the memories I do have are good, they're definitely a bit blurry and I have a sense that it was all a bit less overpowering than I expected it to be.
It was quite a traumatic birth - I nearly had an emergency C-section, they used three different types of instrument to get her out, and apparently I lost a lot of blood because even the medical staff were impressed by the state of the floor afterwards! I do have clear memories of the pushing part, as well as of the surgeon stitching me up afterwards and of throwing up everywhere when they tried to move me from the birthing room to my bed, so it's not as if everything has been wiped from my mind.
I have good memories of later on and love having my daughter, but I do feel as if I've missed out on something and am wondering if there's an explanation. Is this common after a difficult birth? I also had an epidural, which I've heard means that you release fewer bonding hormones, but it's not really the bonding I'm worried about, more the fact that I just don't remember very much.
What are other people's experiences? Do you have strong memories of those first moments, and what were they like? Do you think your memories or the strength of your feelings could be related to what happened during the birth?