First moments with your newborn - what do you remember?

[JeNeRegretteRien]

My little girl was born 5 weeks ago and am finding myself troubled by the fact that the first moments after the birth are already very hazy memories. I was looking forward to first meeting her so much - I even found myself welling up in the ante-natal classes when they described what would happen, and everybody talks about this sense of overwhelming love that you feel straightaway. But while the memories I do have are good, they're definitely a bit blurry and I have a sense that it was all a bit less overpowering than I expected it to be.

It was quite a traumatic birth - I nearly had an emergency C-section, they used three different types of instrument to get her out, and apparently I lost a lot of blood because even the medical staff were impressed by the state of the floor afterwards! I do have clear memories of the pushing part, as well as of the surgeon stitching me up afterwards and of throwing up everywhere when they tried to move me from the birthing room to my bed, so it's not as if everything has been wiped from my mind.

I have good memories of later on and love having my daughter, but I do feel as if I've missed out on something and am wondering if there's an explanation. Is this common after a difficult birth? I also had an epidural, which I've heard means that you release fewer bonding hormones, but it's not really the bonding I'm worried about, more the fact that I just don't remember very much.

What are other people's experiences? Do you have strong memories of those first moments, and what were they like? Do you think your memories or the strength of your feelings could be related to what happened during the birth?

This is a really helpful thread. I'm due in 5 weeks or so and, reading this thread, have realised that many of the birth stories I've heard end with "and then the baby came out" (I'm paraphrasing). It's really good to read the experiences that people have just after the baby is delivered. Thank you all for sharing.

Much of my labour on my first is hazy but I do remember when he was eventually delivered and they put him on my chest, but on his back so I couldn't see his face. I protested and they flipped him over and I remember seeing the chubbiest set of cheeks ever put on a baby and remarking loudly and long about it. I also remember looking up at my husband who was tearing up. Those are nice memories but on my second I don't remember much at all really, certainly not to the same degree as with the first. I remember a lot about the labour, which was much shorter, but the birth, not much at all. I'll have to exaggerate a bit if I'm ever asked....

My youngest are 3 1/2 yr old twins, born by c-section. My memories are hazy too but the most magical part was when the surgeon 'removed' them from me, I heard him whisper "Happy birthday, little boy," "Happy birthday, little girl." I just lost it!

Then the memories are hazy but I can clearly remember the midwife placing one baby in each of my arms and my arms were so achy and tired, I was more worried about dropping them than thinking magical thoughts!

That made me cry Brussell!

Disclaimer: 20 weeks pregnant and full of hormones.

DS1: Is he alive? Where is he? Very traumatic birth, he was taken for resus and I don't actually remember him being given to me. Relief, anxiety, overwhelming joy.

DS2: He's......a boy?!? I was sure he'd be a girl. Then just how tiny he was. Relief, surprise, pride and pure happiness.

I had a c-section after a failed induction. Meeting ds was the best moment of my life and I felt 'high' for days. I had pnd and can't remember much of the first year but I remember him being born very well.

DS is one tomorrow and I was just thinking today how hazy my memories of his birth are. I remember his cries and I remember him being brought to my face but I cannot remember my first look at him iykwim.

I have a vague memory of sitting up as soon as DS was born and saying "GIVE HIM TO ME I NEED HIM!" to the midwife like a woman possessed. She looked quite taken aback! The next thing I said was "oh my god he looks so much like my brother". I don't remember much else about the immediate post birth period. I was stitched up while having skin to skin and the first feed, then the lovely midwife set us up in a safe co-sleeping position and left me and DH to have a little snooze as we'd barely slept since my waters broke 2 days earlier. At some point there was tea and toast, and an MCA took me for a shower. Other than that everything is a blur. I have vague recollections of being wheeled up to the postnatal ward but don't remember getting there or getting into bed. I do remember waking up a couple of hours later wondering where the hell I was!

I don't really recall first meeting DS I can remember the birth very clearly, and the midwife throwing, what looked like a small purple alien onto my belly. I remember asking if he was OK, as they checked him over, but I don't remember the first time I held him at all. I know I spent the whole of that first night, between feeds, just laying on the bed, with DS in the crook of my arm, just thinking WTF just happened! There was no rush of love, it grew slowly over the first few weeks.

I think there's far too much emphasis on the hours immediately after birth being essential for bonding. I know there's research stating the first hour is important etc., but personally I only know women who were pretty much out of it after giving birth, either because they were so exhausted, had been given drugs that made them tired, had an EMCS, haemorrhaged.... Loads of different reasons. Many don't remember much about the first hours and days for the same reasons. I don't know one woman who had the love-at-first-sight experience they show in films, but they all seem to have a perfectly normal relationship with their children!
I had a premature baby that I got to give one kiss to before he was whisked away to the NICU. I was horrified when I first saw him because he was so scrawny and tiny. Three days later and he seemed like the most beautiful baby I had ever seen (and I hadn't even held him in my arms once...). From that day on, the love has grown slowly and steadily. I don't think bonding just happens. Many women don't fall in love straight away or very suddenly, it can take time for love to grow even when it's your child you're talking about!

With DS1 I had a very traumatic forceps birth with a post partum haemorrhage. I remember them taking him away in case he needed resuscitated and when they brought him back I tried to hold him but my spinal had gone weird. With DS2 (EMCS) it was much better I got to hold him and he belly crawled to feed. It was amazing.

DS is very nearly 2, and it all seems a bit of a blur
I remember the overwhelming sense of relief that it was over (no pain relief at all, thanks midwive for that)

They plonked him on me, and it was holding a little squashed up old man. I loved him but I didn't feel responsible for him, it was an odd feeling. I just handed him to DP and went off to have a shower. He was born at 4.03 and we were home by 11 (I just needed to be in my own bed) and it wasn't until we were all cuddled up in bed that the enormity of what had just happened really hit me.

I regret so much that we didn't take more photos at the hospital, my mum took loads the minute he was plonked on me (and I looked completely shocked) but I wish we had at least one of DP, DS and I together. Or one of DS and I where I haven't literally just given birth and am covered in baby gunge

I had an induction with DS. I'd had diamorphine and felt very doped up. He came and was placed on my chest and as they handed him up I remember it feeling like he was floating up to me in slow motion, and I thought that he had the face of an angel! A crazy feeling. Then I had stitches and then uterine atony with emergency lights and bells going off. Apparently I fed him somewhere in that time after the birth, then I can't really remember much else specific from the first few weeks! Just a blur of no sleep, and barely ever having a top on.

Congratulations OP I think the 'hit you like a ton of bricks' 'rush of love' is overrated and overstated. Just enjoy your beautiful new addition :-)

DD4.5
Not a fat lot, had a csection at 32.5 due to pre-eclampsia, saw DD before she was whisked away, I was pumped up with morphine and then didn't see her until the next morning. I was upset at the time but now I know it has made zero difference to my relationship with her and how much I love her. It's easy to get wrapped up in the supposed ideal situation and feel disappointed if you don't match that- I didn't in so many ways - but don't beat yourself up xx

I remember thinking DS looked like E.T.
Then how hard it was for the placenta to come out and the stiches. Then the first breastfeed.

I had a traumatic birth ( forceps, postpartum haemorrhage, DD injured). I only remember bits due to the blood loss. My first thought was "that baby is huge!". No rush of love really. That built over time, though protectiveness came sooner. DP had to fill me in on stuff such as that I got to hold her. I don't remember it. I do remember having a bed bath then crashing out for hours on the ward though.

DD is now 5 and we have a great bond, I couldn't love her more.

If it makes you feel any better...

The anaesthetic failed during my section. They had to pump me full of morphine and I was flying ... It was pretty grim. Ds needed instruments to be delivered as well and I lost a lot of blood. There were chunks of tissue on my side of the curtain. All pretty brutal tbh.

Of course after that it was off to a side ward for me for an hour or two to be checked, sorted out (other stuff went wrong) so ds's first few hours were with his dad, who was handed a rather vexed hungry baby and had no idea where his wife was. I was also not in the uk and with the drugs I couldn't understand what was happening so for a few minutes I thought ds was dead :(
I hadn't any idea what the fuck was happening until the vast cocktail of drugs wore off so I barely remember anything about the first hours, apart from being opposite a woman who looked totally traumatised and was crying in the bay. I felt so sorry for her.

Anyway, I had pnd for a while after but I could not love my little boy any more - he is the light of my life and we have a fantastic bond. Don t be so hard on yourself - you had a really tough time and it's totally normal to feel a bit shaken and traumatised by it. What helped me enormously was the surgeon coming round the next day and walking me through it. She explained what had happened and how they'd responded and it helped me to put it in context. Very helpful indeed.

I had a loooong labour with DD, ending in a failed ventouse and EMCS. I was knackered and had had diamorphine. My memory is definitely very patchy, DH has had to fill in a lot of blanks but the bits I do remember stand out very clearly - almost like little excerpts from a film...

DD being lifted out and taken over to be checked with the midwife saying "its a girl". I had been convinced I was having a boy, so the first thing I said to DD was "oh, you're a girl!"

DD being put on the pillow next to my head on the operating table so I could see her, and then promptly having to be taken away again because she had done a massive meconium poo on the pillow and in my hair

being wheeled in to recovery to find DH doing skin to skin with DD. her little head was sticking up out of the top of his scrubs. My heart just melted.

everything else from the actual delivery is a bit of a blur though. I'm not sure how much is drugs or exhaustion or shock or just normal. Try not to worry though OP, I found that there were lots of little moments that built up into the overwhelming love that I now feel for DD, but it certainly didn't all come straightaway at once.

I just remember feeding her and she was scratching me while latched on and I ended up with big red scratch marks on my boobs!

She was taken away soon after because her oxygen levels were too low and so my clearest memory from that evening is being left alone in the delivery room not knowing what was wrong with her or what was really happening. I much prefer to remember later days once we were home as they are more pleasant memories.

It's normal for it all to be a haze, I can't remember some of mine straight after the birth.
My last one was quite traumatic, she was an undiagnosed breech and her placenta came out with her second foot when she was half in half out. Mega panic to get her out quickly and then they put her on me. She was blue/grey and unresponsive and I just screamed at them to get her off me. Not because I didn't want her but because she wasn't breathing. I couldn't even bring myself to touch her. I feel guilty about it now. She had to have breathing assistance and didn't take a breath for 2 minutes on her own. It was the longest 2 minutes of my life. After that I was whisked off to surgery as I was haemorrhaging I didn't really see her until the next day and then I just couldn't get over how perfect she was and how I could have lost her.

40+3, first baby. Contractions started the previous evening, I went into hospital at 3pm and my daughter was born three hours later. Very quick and intense labour, I went from 4cm dilated to 8cm in under twenty minutes. No pain relief apart from a few blasts on the gas and air. Very hazy memories of those first moments now. I just remember the midwife plonking her on my chest, covered in blood and crying. I looked down at her, looked up at my husband and my mother and slurred, "She looks like Fred Flintstone."

She doesn't. She's 9 weeks old now and absolutely gorgeous.

Hi there

I have three

Ds1 - not a lovely birth, Kielland's forceps, my memory is of seeing him held up really blue and limp and floppy (he had an Apgar of 5) and the fear that he didn't cry, then puking into a bowl when he cried and just feeling totally out of it, almost not in my body. There was quite a while I didn't remember this actually but it sort of came to me later. It was quite overwhelming and sort of sad and I didn't like to think about it which I suppose changes how easily you can access the memory.
Ds2 - Waterbaby, remember it in technicolour glory, his little face and saying "Hello [Name!]" and crying and holding him and him crying and saying over and over "you look just like your brother, you are going to be such great friends"
Ds3 - Fast natural birth. Have a vague memory of him being passed to me and then feeling really sore and desperate for a cup of tea!

All so different and now it doesn't have the meaning it once had. I found the first birth hard to think about for a long time but it hasn't made any difference in the long term (and I'm still a "new mum" in the grand scheme of things as eldest is only 7).

DD1 - first memories are skin to skin and her pooing on me (story related often to her 11 year old embarrassment)

DS (10) - no firm memories but I know we had skin to skin cuddles and then DH disappearing to phone everyone but my clearest memory is waking up on the floor after a shower with a very concerned midwife looking down at me (had felt fine and was walking back into delivery room and apparently just went down and she only just caught me and prevented my head smacking off the floor)

DD2 (18 months) she came fast while I was bent over holding DHs shoulders so he has clear memories of her arrival due to midwives going into fast mode and kicking beds out of the way to catch her, was tricky climbing on to the bed DD still attached by uncut cord before cuddles

I think you only really remember the unusual / exciting / traumatic bits clearly, same as any other experience of life otherwise I think you just remember how you felt - or at least I do

DC1 - horrible birth like yours.
'He's amazing, beautiful, I love him'

DC2 - much more straightforward.
'Ugh gross, she's covered in blood, what a big nose, can I have a bath now?'

Love them equally now though.

Congratulations OP. I think it's very normal to feel like that. Even an uncomplicated birth is still a huge thing and all sorts of emotions and hormones are flying about. I've got 5 dc and this is how I felt with them all:

DS1 - I was amazed at how clean he was (waterbirth) as I was expecting him to be covered in blood and gunk. He was a lot bigger and heavier than I thought he'd be too (8lb 13oz). Love happened very gradually, mostly I was scared about breaking him!

DS2 - Felt a huge rush of love and then panic as he went blue.

DS3 - Just felt like superwoman, with a rush of love as well.

DS4 - Sounds awful but mostly I was bored. He was an elcs and DH was holding him. I couldn't see him unless I twisted my neck round and I couldn't move very much. Stitching me up seemed to take a week at least (was only about an hour). Just before they finished he was taken to scbu so didn't see him for ages.

DS5 - He was an emcs and I had sepsis so I didn't realise he'd been born for about 1/2 an hour. When I found out, I just felt panic that he wasn't crying and tried to climb off the operating table to go over to him. Obviously that didn't work as I had a spinal in and a registrar still trying to put me back together.