Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Elective C-Sections when alone?

29 replies

Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 13:55

Has anybody had an elective c-section and not had anybody at home to help them once they left hospital?

I had a EMCS last time but had no other children and a husband to help.

This time around I have a toddler and will be alone. I have no family around to help and no friends I can expect to help out. This is genuinely the case so please no replies suggesting ways that I can ask people to help me. My friends have shown themselves to be completely unsupportive and crap over the death or my Father recently and the breakdown of my marriage. If they can't even bring themselves to text to see how I am then I don't think I can rely on them to help me after the birth.

I do have daycare for my son, but will have to do everything else myself. There is a possibility EX-H would do nursery drop offs and pick ups but I can't rely on him (alcoholic) so have to be prepared that he will let me down.

Any advice? Is this likely to be manageable or should I try for a V-Bac? If I went into labour in the middle of the night I would be stuck for childcare, unless EX-H could be contacted and was sober. I can't rely on this though.

OP posts:
Needaninsight · 21/09/2015 13:58

I had no one to help really and had an 18month old.

I think you should let your midwife know this though. I'm fairly certain they can send someone round (Home Start for eg) to help you.

If you honestly have no friends or family to help, then you need help from another avenue, c section or natural birth! I mean, who is having your toddler whilst you have the baby?

Whatabout · 21/09/2015 14:00

Who is going to look after the toddler whilst you are in for 48 hours? That's the standard here.

I could have coped with just the baby after mine, but not the toddler too. No driving is one of the biggest issues and not being able to lift.

Scarydinosaurs · 21/09/2015 14:00

I would see if you could afford some help? I've never had a c section, but even if you try for the VBAC it doesn't mean it will work. I would price up mothers help- lifting the baby will be your biggest challenge.

Original poster
Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 14:09

This wasn't how it was supposed to be so I haven't had time to make plans for childcare. The plan was an elective with my Mum coming for 3 days to help with my toddler.

She has no transport and doesn't live close so without a partner to collect her and drop her off she won't be able to come. She definitely couldn't get to me in time to help in the event of suddenly going into labour.

I have daytime childcare sorted during the week. I'm screwed at other times. Once I'm in hospital I can probably count on EX-H taking our toddler and looking after him until I'm home. It's just that if I called him one evening to say I was in labour I couldn't be sure he would be sober. He will swear that he will not drink but he has shown he can't be relied upon.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 21/09/2015 14:51

Could you go and live with your mum temporarily?

Original poster
Themis1977 · 21/09/2015 15:19

No she doesn't have room for me and lives too far away. I'd have to switch hospitals and find another nursery for my toddler.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 22/09/2015 14:43

Could your mum move in with you?

Original poster
Themis1977 · 22/09/2015 14:51

No she has her own life and job where she lives so that's not really an option.

OP posts:
SellFridges · 22/09/2015 14:55

Could your DS's nursery help at all. Lots of ours do babysitting etc and they might be prepared to help in this situation. They could at least get DS to and from nursery and perhaps do some bedtime stuff with him? I'd ask there as well as talking to your midwife.

Original poster
Themis1977 · 22/09/2015 15:03

Ours don't do babysitting. They got shirty with my friend who asked one of the staff about it.

I need a short term au pair or something - do they exist?

OP posts:
Duckstar · 22/09/2015 15:10

The advantage of an ELCS is that you can plan things a bit more. Is ELCS not an option now? So, for example, could your Mum take some time off work if she knew you were having a Schedule on x date?

Be warned you often have to go in very early for c-sections (be at hospital for 7 am) so if you are relying on a nursery this might not be practical.

In terms of the friends, I know you are angry with them, but people can be fairly poor at keeping in contact, but often are different if you say, "I need you do to do x", or "I am in labour can you come and look after my child". People are often better when given a specific task or job.

If you have some savings etc then you could look at hiring an emergency nanny, maternity nurse, doula to assist you with childcare etc.

If the worse comes to the worse and you go into labour in the middle of the night and there is no one you will have to take your toddler with you either by taxi or ambulance to the hospital. It's not ideal, but they are not going to refuse to take you into the hospital in active labour because of your toddler. They will ring your husband and Mum or ExH to see if they can come urgently, they won't be able to keep your child indefinitely. So again, well I totally understand why you are upset and angry with your friends, you may want to contact them and ask "if I go into labour in the middle of night can you take child or will you come to hospital", and have a list of names available.

Original poster
Themis1977 · 22/09/2015 15:41

My Mum can have 3 days off work. But she has no transport and will need to be collected and dropped home (hour drive). 'D'H was supposed to be doing this but I can't/don't want to make any plans that rely on him. I can collect her the night before but will not be able to drive her back. Taxi would be £100's.

In any case that will only cover the time I am actually in hospital. ELC is still my first choice but I'm worried about when I get home from hospital, my mum goes home and I am alone.

Friends really are a no-go. They don't live in the same area in any case.

OP posts:
LadyStark · 22/09/2015 16:10

I found that once I was home I could do most essential things post-CS. Clearly you need to majorly drop standard with things like hoovering if nobody can do that for you, batch cook in advance so you are only reheating things for meals, order take away when that seems too much and have a saved grocery shop that can be delivered.

Is nursery a walk or a drive away? I would keep your toddler at home until you feel up to it and watch as much CBeebies as you need to.

It isn't ideal but I think if you can sort out the whilst you're in hospital bit it will be manageable. Do speak to your midwife too and see if there is anyone who might be able to provide support.

Scarydinosaurs · 22/09/2015 16:23

So currently you have no one to have the toddler whilst you're in hospital?

Have you spoken to your MW about this? I wonder if the hospital could arrange a family room for you to have your toddler in with you? It might mean social services get involved?

Original poster
Themis1977 · 22/09/2015 16:31

No I've not spoken to my MW. I've not seen the same one twice yet, nor had an ante natal appointment at the same place. It's all a bit crap and I can never get in to the one at my GP so I have to go to other places.

OP posts:
Pootles2010 · 22/09/2015 16:37

I think short term Au Pair is the way to go. Have you a spare room for someone to stay in? I'd start looking into this asap.

Flowers for you op, I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

Scarydinosaurs · 22/09/2015 16:48

Christ this is awful. Right, is there any MW you've seen so far that you liked? How many weeks are you?

Original poster
Themis1977 · 22/09/2015 16:50

I will have a room once soon to be ex moves out.

Not really taken much notice of any of the midwives to be honest. Its not my first pregnancy so I feel like I've barely been seen.

I'm 31 weeks.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 22/09/2015 18:18

Well, I would say you need to contact your GP then and explain your situation- an au pair is a lot more involved than what you want in this situation (often young, English not first language, new to the country, complex situation with your ex) and I think you're going to need more help and support.

lunnoninnit · 22/09/2015 22:40

Do you live in London op?

Original poster
Themis1977 · 23/09/2015 01:14

Yes I do

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 23/09/2015 02:00

Can you chuck money at this? If so, a short-term nanny would probably be the way to go. Preferably someone who could live in and be flexible re: being woken up in the night if you need to go to hospital

I would contact London nanny agencies and put an advert in The Lady

I agree re: no aupair. You need a safe pair of experienced hands here.

The other option is to look for a local childminder as they can often be more flexible re; times your DS is dropped off

bonzo77 · 23/09/2015 04:16

Is a home birth an option?

Are you part of any religious community? Could you join one? They would certainly have volunteers to help.

Home start? Doula? Student from local childcare course? Au pair? Nanny? Even your cleaner if you have one. In laws? Other parents at nursery.

If it's any consolation I've had 3 sections and my recoveries after the second and third (both elective) were really rapid. Back to doing normal house work (except vacuuming) after around 8-10 days and lifting toddler and driving after 2 weeks.

Scarydinosaurs · 23/09/2015 06:50

Is going to your GP for help an option? Are you still working or are you on Mat leave?

Original poster
Themis1977 · 23/09/2015 07:13

Don't really have money to throw at it but have no choice really.

Don't want a home birth as I was going for an elective due to previous difficult birth which resulted in EMCS.
I have a midwife appt in a couple of weeks I will discuss it with her then.

OP posts: