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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Children allowed on delivery suite (during labour, not after birth)

94 replies

SpamAnderson · 24/07/2015 18:17

I had my heart set on using MLU or preferably a homebirth (so my DH, DM and dds could be present). My BMI is elevated and now they think baby is large so won't let me have a hb or use MLU. My eldest dd (will be 8 when baby arrives) is very mature for her age and has always been very interested in childbirth and is very excited to meet and help care for her brother would love to be at the birth. The youngest (will be 6) says she'd like to be there but she is far younger mentally and I think she would be traumatised. She'd be easily pacified with spending the day with her Nannie instead of a boring hospital though. The eldest, not so much!
Anyway, long story short, has anyone had their child (under 16) present at a hospital birth? I have promised DD1 that I will ask the mw and consultant when I next meet them but I have a feeling that they would say no due to her age?

OP posts:

Roseybee10 · 28/07/2015 13:02

Perhaps I should explain more.

I am very much about preparing in advance as my dd1 copes better with change if she is adequately prepared. She bonded very well with bump and we had lots of discussions about the baby in mummy's tummy, she came to 4D scan with us etc. she was involved in picking dd2's name and we did a lot of preparation about what life would look like once baby arrived.

Dd asked if she could be there when the baby was born. My mw also suggested it as an option without me even asking about it so surely it can't be that 'misguided'. My recorded labour with dd1 was only 2 hours and so I was a bit worried that my mum might not make it in time to pick dd1 up this time or hubby might not get home from work in time. We had discussed the possibility of me going into labour during the night and whether we should wake dd1 to go to my mums or just leave her sleeping and see if she woke up.

Given these dilemmas and the fact that she asked if she could be there, we decided we should adequently prepare her for the birth given there was a chance she may accidentally be there and the fact that she had asked to be there meant I wanted her to have as much understanding as possible of what it would be like. We watched obem and several home water births together so she could see that some mummies were noisy and some were quiet etc.

After watching them she decided she didn't fancy being around which made our decision about what would happen during the night if labour started much easier. I'm glad she made the decision herself as I'm not sure what I would have done if she had wanted to be there.

I'm sorry if wanting to prepare my child for different eventualities is 'misguided'. I don't see birth as something we should hide or hush up or 'protect' children from. We live near a farm and my dd has seen sheep born many times. i think part of the taboos about birth and everything that goes with it is that society still views it as something to be done behind closed doors and not discussed, something that you leave in the delivery room and something very negative tbh. In many cultures the process of birth is celebrated and much more a community support.

SirChenjin · 28/07/2015 13:07

In many cultures there is also a high rate of infant and maternal mortality.

I don't agree with letting such a young child make such a major decision, and I do think parenting in that way is misguided. However, it's not my toddler or birth

And on that note I really better go and do some work!

catkind · 28/07/2015 16:24

I don't understand your reasoning SirC. The parent has made the major decision, that the child may be allowed to be there, not the child.

ExConstance · 28/07/2015 16:35

what a pity you may not be able to have DDs there with you. My DS2 was born at home and DS1 who was present just came downstairs in response to the noise and watched in wonder. They are very close despite nearly 4 years age gap and I do think DS1's presence at the birth was a factor. A friend of mine had one of her daughters aged 6 at the birth of her youngest child and there is a similar bond there. As a child I had a friend who was one of 6 and it was the case that the older children had been present at the births of the younger ones. You could not be denied a home birth if you wanted one, it is your choice, perhaps you could use that as leverage to get the hospital birth you want.

SantanaLopez · 28/07/2015 16:37

I can't think of anything worse.

As for the poster saying they could just go down to the cafe (alone!) if things were going wrong.... oh yeah, great plan. They won't be scared or needing reassurance in a huge, scary hospital at all, will they?!

ExConstance · 28/07/2015 16:42

Experienced midwives can manage shoulder dystocia at home, DS2 got stuck this way and there was a bit of yelping on my part as it was sorted out, DS1 was just so enthralled by the whole thing he was not distressed.

ninaricci · 28/07/2015 16:43

If you move to theatre during labour due to complications then if your child had been with you they wouldn't go into theatre. If for any reason ds1 had needed to leave he would have gone to the waiting room on labour and delivery that our hospital has, called a taxi and gone home, or gone down to the coffee shop or restaurant.

I can't believe you are so blasé about that scenario. A child could be really scarred by seeing their mum have complications and have to go to theatre. It seems so cold just to expect them to go away by themselves and deal with that.

SirChenjin · 28/07/2015 17:01

cat - I'm referring to the poster who let the toddler make the ultimate decision.

Roseybee10 · 28/07/2015 17:08

To be fair I said she ultimately made the decision - not that she made he ultimate decision. If you read back over my explanatory post then you'll see what I mean.

misssmilla1 · 28/07/2015 17:08

I think choosing to have a homebirth and making the decision to have your child with you at home / able to watch / whatever is a whole different ball game to taking the child to hospital with you to do the same (despite there being similar emergencies that could happen)

If nothing else, don't you consider the impact on other labouring mums? There are enough threads on here about extra family members being a PITA on labour and post labour wards, without throwing kids in to the mix. Maybe I'm a germaphobe, but I'd also be worrying about the potential for infections and / or contagious diseases which kids are more prone to carrying that can be dangerous to new borns. Granted, if they come and visit anyway there's a chance of this, but much less than a primary aged kid wandering the wards

catkind · 28/07/2015 17:12

So was I SirC. I just think the parent has already made the major decision at the point the toddler is consulted. The toddler will always have ultimate veto, who would keep a toddler there if they were asking to leave?

SirChenjin · 28/07/2015 17:15

How does that differ from what I said Rosey? You allowed her (ultimately) to make the decision, but were glad when she decided against it - you also said you didn't know what you'd have done if she'd wanted to be there. She's 2 years old, for goodness sake!!!

Roseybee10 · 28/07/2015 17:40

I'm aware of her age thank you. Just because you don't agree with something doesn't mean you have to be so condescending.

If she had been adamant that she wanted to be there then I would imagine I would have asked my mum to come down and she could have taken her if she was finding it distressing.

ninaricci · 28/07/2015 17:43

It is wrong to let a child experience significant distress before removing them imo.

SirChenjin · 28/07/2015 17:48

Agree nina. Hardly condescending to question why on earth you were letting a 2 year old have the final say on this .

Roseybee10 · 28/07/2015 18:05

Wow!
I'm perfectly happy to include my child in decisions that affect her. I know lots of home birthers who have had children present for the birth of a sibling so I don't understand the extreme reactions on here as if it's something shocking. I don't see it as something 'wrong' which is why I allowed her to have input in the decision. If it was something I felt would be potential dangerous or damaging then of course she wouldn't get final say although I would have discussions about it so she understood why.
I think this comes down to viewing birth differently so I'm not going to stoop to getting narky and nasty over it. However I'm also not going to continue to justify my decisions about how to raise my children either. Every family works differently and every child works differently and things like this are very much about perspective.
People are entitled to not want their other children present at births of siblings and I wouldn't be judging or putting them down or calling their parenting misguided if I didn't agree with that.
Perfect mum patrol seems to be out in force on this thread.

SirChenjin · 28/07/2015 18:10

Absolutely (although please take me out of the perfect mum patrol, never have been and never will be) - each to their own and you don't have to justify (as I said upthread). However, that doesn't stop me (or anyone else) expressing their surprise at what a 2 year old has been allowed to decide.

Mehitabel6 · 29/07/2015 07:11

A 2 yr old hasn't enough experience of life to decide.
Children grow up far too quickly and some parents expose them to far too much, too early.

Mehitabel6 · 29/07/2015 07:15

They pick up on body language and like to please the parent.
A 2 yr old hasn't got the experience or maturity to say ' No, I won't thank you- I don't think it suitable for a child my age'!

They can't possibly make that decision- the parent is making it.

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