Is having one child being selfish

[MUSA]

can anyone please tell me, wanting one child only is it being selfish. My family think so.

Message withdrawn

i dont understand people who want only one child (but thats because i come from a large family and want one myself) but i wouldnt say u were selfish.

secur-thanks for that, they seem to think that a only child needs a brother or sister, because he or she will feel lonely, but all my friends have kids and all the kids are at similar ages. I have a big family there are so many kids in my family. my child has lots of cousins, so i cant see it being selfish.

Absolutely not MUSA - but whole world seems to think it is. At 40 I had - until 2 days ago- given up hope of a number 2, but despite my age was constantly being asked when the next one was coming along.
Do what suits you best - it's not your family who will be bringing them up (I would imagine).

misdee- i would love to have more children, but i had such a bad time giving birth, 17 hours in labour lost a litre and a half of blood, felt like i was dieing. and than you get people putting you off a c-section. goodluck with yourself if your trying.

MUSA - have you thought that counselling might help - maybe you do want another child but are denying it to yourself bcause of your bad experience - I am not saying this is the case just seems like it from your last post!!

I don't think it is selfish - it is down to what is best for you primarily and the family unit as a whole. You can't have another one just to satisy the rellies if it dosn't sit right with you. I am happy with one - although hormones tell me otherwise, but dear mama keeps telling me that I will change my mind (very smugly). Makes me want to dig my heels in even further.

Its abit tough ont he kid whan you and your dh die. Friend of mine bemoaned thats she had to do all the bereavement stuff alone

No. I only intend having the one child - my DD is 2yo. I have no more desire to have any more children as both me and Dh feel our family unit is complete. I actually am one of 3 myself, my parents are from familys of 6 and 7 each. So, even though I come from a large family background it has made no difference to that decision.

There is a big thread about this already - quite recent. Can't remember thread title.

musa, we're all different, the is no "right number" of children to have. some are happy with none and others want 12! I always wanted 4 or 5 but now I have 2 and am totally content with that. do whatever feels right for you...not your relations.

This is the other thread

cab- good luck to you im glad your having no 2, i know how you felt, because i had my first child after eight years of being married. im 32 years old now i got nagged all the time. your right whos bringing up the child you or than.

i have 1 child and would like to have more kids one day but am single at the mo! i dont think you are selfish at all, however i think i would really miss not having siblings at the age i am now (26). my sister is 28 and my brother is 21 and we are really close. also obivously if i didnt have siblings i also wouldnt have my nephew and my son wouldnt have his cousin.

Yes I cnat imagine life without the plaesure my siblings give me. Dh is only child and had a rather solitary childhood depite being VERY social
. also no cousins on that side for the kids

twinkin- your right i do want more children, but to scared i know my husband wants another child. I always said that if i fell pregnant again i would have a c-section. than on top of that you get people putting you off that to.

Message withdrawn

Feeling VERY broody tho....

musa, dont know if this may help, but i spent 33 years telling myself and everyone else that i did not want any children. I was then lucky enough to meet my dp and realised that actually i had never got to the stage where i was either comfortable enough with myself or with any man to want children. My dp changed all that and i fell in love with him and his children and decided i wanted ONE of my own with him. I was very sure i only wanted one. I had my ds 4 years ago and like you it was a nasty pregnancy and birth topped off with my dad dying when he was 3 weeks old and my mum 14 mnoths later. I spent the next few years coming to terms with my losses and learning to be a mum and gradually last year decided to have another child. The reasons i am now 6 months pregnant are the following;

1. I really could not bear the idea that when my son has bury his parents he will be alone without any siblings to really understand and share the grief and burdens with. Also and equally if not more so importantly
2. He was/is overindulged, i have too much emotional anxiety tied up in him (tied up with the loss of my parents so close to his arrival) and realise that in the future for both him and i we need the balance of a sibling.

Hardly the common reasons for wanting another child and i have felt guilt over the feelings but am really beginning to know that i (for me) have mad the right choices. I am scared Sss of the birth and the first 18 months, i do not know how i am going to cope but i do really know that it is the right thing for me.

Someone suggested counselling earlier in this thread and i would really recommend it as i am sure that inadvertently that is what helped me come to my decisions.

Hope some of this helps you and as everyone said and still says to me often

NO TWO PREGANCIES ARE THE SAME
NO TWO BIRTHS ARE THE SAME
ETC ETC

i wouldn't say you're selfish. for various reasons i only want 1 child but i know having sibilings is wonderful for children (as i have experienced), but it's your choice only. i personally wouldn't want another child. very few people agree with this staement , i think it's a cultural thing too.

Musa, don't let fear of birth put you off if that really is all that's standing in your way. Have a nice calm elective section - I am sure you would get it given your last experience. They can be great. See Prufrock's current thread. You aren't selfish, how rude and nasty of your family to say so. But that's irrelevant anyway - it's what you want that counts. Good luck.

And congratulations CAB!!!

if you want another baby for yourself, then by all means go ahead with it. if you want another baby for somebody else (i.e. your existing child, husband, family etc) think about it a bit more

Musa - my heart goes out to you on this one. I had a horrible birth with my ds which left me reeling. I vowed afterwards that I would never do it again... but three years on I suddenly realised I did want another child, for me, for my husband and for my son. Only problem was nothing happened and I have since been diagnosed with premature ovarian failure - which means it is highly unlikely that I can have another child without going down the egg donation route. So, having waited so long, I've left it too late - and it is heartbreaking.

Please don't let your experience have the same influence. If you do want another child and your fear is the only thing standing in your way you should talk to your GP and get counselling if needs be... an, as Aloha says, don't be put off by the thought of having a c-section.

xxx

MUSA I too had a horrible time (nearly died) with the birth of my dd 20 months ago and my immediate reaction (and that of my dh and family) was that I wouldn't have any more children. I had a failed induction, emergency c-section and then lost 10 litres of blood, had to have 9 hour general anaesthetic and ended up in intensive care!

However, last year I started to feel like you (or rather your family) that it was selfish to only have one child and that she would suffer. DH and I went to see the Prof at the hospital where dd was born and went through the birth in detail, discussing why things happened the way they did, the likelihood of it happening again and what they could do for me if it did happen again. It was a brilliant if traumatic experience, really made me see things clearly and now I would like to have another, though I am getting on (37) so may not happen as dd took 3 yrs to conceive.

All I am trying to say really is don't let your bad birth experience put you off having another - if you genuinely just want one child then of course that is entirely up to you but do look into the whys and wherefores of your birth first so that you can make your decision with all the facts in hand.

oh and btw the C-section was the best bit tbh! Didn't feel any pain and it was very easy

Nope, not selfish at all. Do what you feel is best for your family, be that 1 or 10 !

WSM
xxx