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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

giving birth without partner/mother

31 replies

nataliejc77 · 04/04/2015 20:49

Hi
Has anybody given birth on their own? My ex has decided that I am on my own and due to their behaviour I have lost all of my friends. My family really only consists of my mum and brother who lives abroad. And I need my mum to look after my son. I have thought about a doula but i think a stranger would be worse than being on my own. So ladies, have you given birth alone and do you have any tips for me.

OP posts:
Allmychildrenhavepaws · 04/04/2015 22:38

im sorry you are having to do that by yourself, it must be very worrying.... i wouldnt worry about the supposed friends you lost, because those that matter dont mind and those that mind dont matter. if they were true friends then they would be there for you when you needed them, not taken somebody elses word over your friendship. speak to your mum and try to work something out with her, hopefuly there will be something you can do and sort out in time.....i'm sure you will find someone, good luck x

ghostspirit · 05/04/2015 01:11

i have given birth on my own i prefer it to be honest. feels more peaceful felt i had no worrys part from me and baby.probs sounds selfish but thats how i felt

Original poster
nataliejc77 · 05/04/2015 08:41

Thank you for your replies. Ghostspirit did you turn up to the hospital on your own? I think that part is one of the biggest worries, and did you put on your birth plan that you would be doing it on your own

OP posts:
Bluestockings35 · 05/04/2015 08:50

I'm single too and may well be doing it on my own. I told the midwife at the booking in appointment that I would ask a friend to come but she still put 'unsupported' on my notes and I've been rethinking asking my friend. I'm just not sure if I might feel inhibited with someone else there, even a good friend, but also scared about doing it alone because there probably will be times that there is no midwife in the room. I'm also interested to hear other people's experiences of doing it alone.

somuchtosortout · 05/04/2015 09:00

I gave birth on my own twice. First time it became obvious dh was not going to be that useful ( it takes one person to push à baby out!). He was with me for the beginning, then I went in to 'the pushing room' on my own. Midwives were lovely to me.

Second time already decided to do the same. We were living abroad. So dh staid home with dd1, neighbour dropped me off at the clinic, dh came after dropping dd at preschool and sat outside waiting!
I see it ad just a process, and to be honest I preferred it just being me and the midwives. However if you can have someone just be around, knowing someone will be there with a friendly smile you may be able to persuade a friend just to be at the hospital?

somuchtosortout · 05/04/2015 09:05

Bluestocking I def found having dh inthe room made me feel iinhibited. I didn't realise it at the time, but the midwife took him out to get a coffee ( we were in Italy!) Because he looked a bit pale, she said! Then they just have him a bed and told him to wait outside of he wanted. He was only too happy to do that!

I thought I would be disappointed however it turned out midwife was right and I found it much easier once I was on my own.

I guess it is personal though.

Original poster
nataliejc77 · 05/04/2015 13:58

I am really glad to hear that I am not the only one who went through this alone. I felt quite embarrassed and considered lying on my birth plan to avoid potential pity from the midwives. I'm glad I won't need to do that

OP posts:
angstridden2 · 05/04/2015 14:07

When I had my children it was not a given that you had a birth partner with you; I preferred my husband not to be present (he is very squeamish and I am quite private). The midwives were lovely both times, it was a job to be done and frankly I preferred to give birth with people who knew what they were doing (I would add that he fell in love with both babies the moment he saw them and has been a fab dad so no bonding issues!).

OutsSelf · 05/04/2015 14:11

I gave birth to DC 2 on my own. DP was home with DS. I much, much preferred it and will have it for any future births. It didn't occur to me to discuss it with the midwife before, they did ask when I got there but it was the middle of the night and I just said he was home with DS. I can't remember feeling that they regarded it as odd, but they did make a nice fuss afterwards, about my doing it 'on my own'. I privately thought, well you do it on your own anyway? But they were being kind and the birth was fan, and I was ecstatic to meet my daughter so graciously accepted their praise Wink

In my opinion it is much easier to get on with it without having to talk to or think about anyone else. Specially if you do a poo or make animal sounds, and I'm in both those camps. Having DP there allowed me, encouraged me to feel vulnerable iyswim; doing it on my own meant I just got on with it.

bigfam · 05/04/2015 14:12

When I went into labour with my third I called an ambulance, my oh stayed at home with the other 2, they were only three and two at the time. The ambulance people decided to make a pop at me saying "I thought the dad was supposed to do this" if it was supposed to be a light hearted joke they should of realised it wasn't appropriate for a young scared mum in pain.

ghostspirit · 05/04/2015 14:18

i never disgust birth partner/ support with midwife. it never entered my head. im doing it on my own this time round as well. but then i do everything on my own so i dont really think about it. i had mylast child at home and this one will be born at home if all gos to plan

Woodenheart · 05/04/2015 14:26

A friend from work stayed whilst I was in labour & while I gave birth,

In the evening a maternity support worker sat with me for a bit as I was a bit teary - as I didn't know what to do with DD Grin

You could ask if a support worker could stay with you during labour maybe?

You will be fine though - its a special moment between you & baby, you get double the cuddles x

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 05/04/2015 14:41

OP I think you may be surprised how many people who'd be willing to hold your hand - even if it was too intimate to actually have them there - I'm pretty certain that folk would want to help.

DH, in a really bizarre set of circumstances years ago, ended up driving a young employee of his to the Birth Centre while she laboured during the journey. Her DP was in a fracture clinic in a different county getting his leg cast and my DH ended up staying in the unit until her baby was born. He told me that he didn't want to leave her all alone.

Bless him - he even got to cuddle the baby before everyone else arrived. It's left its mark to this day and I love him all the more for it.

franksidebottom · 05/04/2015 22:24

I will be giving birth by myself, expecting dd3 in 8 weeks. we have no family around and friends all busy with their kids/jobs/ lives etc, I wouldn't be comfortable asking. dp will be looking after our 2 other kids. I would prefer him there for some company but that's the way it goes. I like to labour in peace anyway

sanfairyanne · 05/04/2015 22:51

a good doula would spend time getting to know you and be v supportive, i loved mine even tho i had only met her a few times before

howtofall · 05/04/2015 22:58

I have given birth on my own, I had no partner or family around. I only have one dc so I can't compare it to any other birth experience, but it was pretty straightforward and stress free, certainly easier than I've heard about my siblings' births who have had their in laws or parents pacing around unhelpfully! It all went very smoothly and I had no stitches to deal with and I was able to leave hospital within 10 hours.

Guyropes · 05/04/2015 23:00

So interesting to hear people sharing the experience of finding it worked better labouring without their dp... It's such an assumption that dp's will be there! Thanks for sharing, and good luck op. the advantage of having a doula is, I understand, that you would have someone who wasn't a complete stranger there; in all likelihood you won't have met the midwives beforehand.

GettingEggyWithIt · 05/04/2015 23:03

dc3 on my own, was on birth plan, left by myself most of the day til the last hour really, me, a 3 track cd not mine on repeat and a bouncy ball I called Wilson
pros: I read a bit, walked a bit, stared at the fishtank a bit, arrived on the tram and walked on my own 6 hours after contractions started but always have long labours
cons: noone to vouch for me, help me through the grim bit, or when mw from hell broke my waters, or to hold baby while doing stitches as I am clinhing onto baby and a 45 degree titled bed for dear life

I did not feel sad or tragic or lonely or worthy of pity
I did and do feel angry that the mw I had knew I was powerless and on my own and reliant on her
This was not UK but I have given birth there too and I really do think there is a vast diff between mw (I had 4 over one bank hol)

if you have given birth before and think you can handle it alone, go for it, no reason you won't be fine
if you have any worries about the birth, transition, pain relief, interventions then get a doula

Shamrock good luck xxx

GettingEggyWithIt · 05/04/2015 23:05

clinging tilted

womaninthewildsofwales · 05/04/2015 23:09

I planned to be on my own as DP is useless and really didn't want to be there (last time he ended up with stitches after passing out :-/) but in the event his mother turned up (funny how the "2 hour drive" when asked to babysit turned into 55 mins when she heard a new grandchild was imminent!) anyway, I wanted to be alone but she insisted and I made her promise to never speak a word of it to anyone! Don't be afraid to go on your own- midwifes see everything and more- they won't judge and in my experience are the nicest people ever!

Congratulations and good luck Smile

GettingEggyWithIt · 05/04/2015 23:14

I missed out the best bit....after the hell which was A Natural Chilbirth fecking overrated take the drugs woman
I did have a beautiful 16 hours alone with my son, just me and him and it felt different than with my other two
I think because it felt like it was just us against the world and brutal psychotic mw I was completely bonded with him immediately ( I know I was lucky, it could so easily have gone the other way)
The problem is you do not know in either country what mw you will get, so a bff or doula might help you out if things do get rough. Wishing you the best and am hoping you don't think I am putting you off, I just would not want any woman to go through unneccessary trauma.

GettingEggyWithIt · 05/04/2015 23:18

And I am not saying they're aren't some lovely mw out there. I have met wonderful ones and had wonderful ones.
And my dc were all born breathing for which I am obv grateful.
But there are also, as with every profession, some that I do not think should be in the job.

EmilyMaitliss · 05/04/2015 23:19

Glad to hear all these positive stories ... I did it with a female relative there & tbh could have done with more support

. She told me to shut up when I was making a racket during dt2's entrance & spent most if the time texting. I dislike myself for not being grateful but I will always remember being told to shush. I wasn't being rude or unpleasant to anyone - just in pain.
I do think though that I would have benefitted from from an advocate who could have spoken up for me & said I was running out of steam. But it was a complicated birth....

EmilyMaitliss · 05/04/2015 23:39

What I'm trying to say, OP is, do you feel confident enough to speak up for yourself if you need to?
I suppose if you've done it before you have an idea what to expect but my DT's were both back to back (can they see with a singleton baby - they told me they didn't know my DT's were) & took so long to come out I was totally exhausted & had a nasty tear.
Very best wishes with everything. Go with your gut. X

moomoob · 06/04/2015 04:12

I didn't give birth alone but I laboured alone as I was induced dh was sent home as contractions were starting. By the time they took me to delivery suite & called him he arrived 15 minutes before I gave birth and in all honesty it didn't matter at that point if he was there or not, mw asked if I wanted to wait until dh arrived before breaking my water she felt baby would come shortly after, did I hell want to wait I was in agony if he missed it that was his bad luck. It's only afterwards I was glad he was there helping me shower and get dresses after but I'm sure a mw or hca would be on hand to help you out.

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