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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

First time mother - Do i hold my baby first?

68 replies

Lea2014 · 15/01/2015 11:44

Im new to this so sorry if this seems a silly question. My partner has already got 3 children from previos relationships and this is my first, he keeps mentioning how all his kids have been placed in his arms first and how it will be same for this one - Is this correct? I want to be the first to hold my baby and the thought of the baby going to him first upsets me , any ideas?

OP posts:
wanttosqueezeyou · 15/01/2015 12:44

Were his previous born via C-section? That could explain it.

His strong bond with his children is nothing to do with him holding them first...

His insistence (is this a fair word?) that he should hold the baby first is troubling.

CSLewis · 15/01/2015 13:06

A subtle way to sidestep the issue would be to request (verbally in advance with your midwife and written in your birth plan) that they delay clamping and cutting the cord until it has stopped pulsating: that way your baby continues getting oxygen and other goodies through the cord, and you remain literally attached to your newborn for a while, until the cord is cut.

You could agree in advance with your partner that he will be the first to hold the baby after the cord is cut... You don't need to explain that this will be a short time after birth, rather than absolutely immediatelySmile

Original poster
Lea2014 · 15/01/2015 13:13

No I believe all 3 were delivered natural birth , maybe I'm just being silly x

OP posts:
wanttosqueezeyou · 15/01/2015 13:20

'silly' in what way?

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 15/01/2015 13:23

DH cut the cord then she came straight to me for skin to skin. I passed her over to DH as I was being stitched up though.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 15/01/2015 13:24

Why do you think you're being silly?

AnythingNotEverything · 15/01/2015 13:26

You aren't being silly at all. It's quite unusual I think for baby to go straight to dad. Especially now you are encouraged to delay cord clamping until your delivered the placenta. DD was on my best, still attached the the placenta, which was still inside me, for about 20 minutes. She could reach any further.

Perfect opportunity to ensure he remembers that while this is his fourth, it's your first, and you will find your own path.

Original poster
Lea2014 · 15/01/2015 13:27

Silly as in wanting the baby on me first...i dont know? I just feel ive carried and bonded for all this time. I am trying not to write 'it' as i dont know what i am having i wanted a surprise so got to say 'the baby' x

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 15/01/2015 13:28

I just noticed you said 'children from previous relationshipS' I wonder how many exes he has then and why?

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/01/2015 13:28

it is not 'silly' it is normal

IAmAPaleontologist · 15/01/2015 13:29

Your baby should be delivered and handed straight to you for skin to skin. Cutting the cord etc can happen while baby is in skin to skin. The skin to skin regulates baby's temperature, heart rate and respiration rate. It allows baby to explore you and it helps trigger all your milk making hormones. Baby is far more likely to initiate early feeding in skin to skin. Skin to skin also allows the baby to be colonised by your bacteria, that is all the general flora and fauna you have living on your skin, rather than hospital bacteria, Dr bacteria etc.

Of course if you have different preferences then by all means let the midwives know and if you don't feel well enough after the birth then your dp can hold the baby and you can have skin to skin later.

scallopsrgreat · 15/01/2015 13:34

It most definitely isn't silly. It is normal, important and quite frankly it is your reward for the labour.

I too am a little suspicious of someone who is decreeing that they get to hold your baby first. As other's have said, it is your labour and your birth. You are the one who gets to say what happens.

Memphisbelly · 15/01/2015 13:35

It isn't silly, your dp and his ex may have agreed before that he holds the baby first, this is what I put in my birth plan just because it is what I wanted, my dh would have waited as long as I wanted to hold the baby. Just because he did this with his first children doesn't mean you have to agree to do it this time.

middlings · 15/01/2015 13:39

It's funny - my memory of DD1's birth is that she was taken out and put onto me. DH's memory is that she was handed straight to him :)

I'm right, because she was still all slimy and gungy and they rubbed that off her on me. I've left the discussion as he got almost offended (which isn't like him at all) when I suggested it was me who held her first. I definitely held DD2 first.

It happens in a real rush at the very end OP - and the midwives naturally plonk (literally!) the baby on you as it's the quickest place to put them to clean them. Grin

Good luck with your baby!

naturalbaby · 15/01/2015 13:42

Mine all went straight onto my tummy (cord to short to reach my chest!) and I just sat cuddled up with a towel over baby for a while. I didn't have the injection to hurry up the placenta so had about 20 mins then gave baby to DH for skin to skin while I delivered the placenta and got changed/cleaned up.

Original poster
Lea2014 · 15/01/2015 13:42

First two children came from a 11 year relationship and third was from a 7 year one. We have been together nearly 5 year. All of you have made me feel so much better as i feel so strongly towards this maybe its because it is my first , Thank you everyone :)

OP posts:
ToriB34 · 15/01/2015 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Micah · 15/01/2015 13:51

I actually think it's quite a nice thing for dad to get a cuddle while you deal with the aftermath of birth. Dads are excluded from a lot of the pregnancy/birth/newborn bit so I think it helps them bond.

With both of mine dh got the first hold. He cleaned, dressed, weighed etc while I came back to myself. I was relieved to have that half hour to pull myself together before trying to bf.

Please at least consider it. I know it made dh feel wonderful, and finally involved after 9 long months of pregnancy and birth. Fleeting to as they come back to you all to quickly for feeding :)

pookamoo · 15/01/2015 13:51

sunnybaudelaire you are being harsh. Please stop it.

Jackiebrambles · 15/01/2015 13:51

I had an emcs and my DH cut the cord and was given the baby first as I was laid down on the operating table. He then brought the baby to me. That's a section though, I think if its a natural birth the midwife brings the baby straight to you for skin to skin.

I didn't mind at all that my DH held our son first. He was the one to tell me that he was a boy and it was a lovely moment.
If that is worrying you, is everything ok with you and your partner?

scallopsrgreat · 15/01/2015 13:52

Lea, you've posted about your husband before. He isn't exactly being supportive is he?

weeblueberry · 15/01/2015 13:54

I think some people might be reading into the OPs partners motives a bit much.

It's possible all he said was 'all my children were passed to me first and that's probably what will happen this time'. It doesn't mean he's controlling etc, just that perhaps that's what's happened in the past...?

Guyropes · 15/01/2015 13:54

You are not silly. When you give birth, (normal delivery) you get a massive dose of oxytocin, which is the bonding/ love hormone. If the baby is object of your gaze at this time, it is part of your process of bonding with the baby. Your oh does not get a massive load of oxytocin at this time, so he doesn't need to take the opportunity of this precious moment to hold his child. He can bond whenever. If you want to breast feed, getting skin to skin and a first feed in the first 20 mins is supposed to be very helpful. You receiving your baby immediately after birth is an important physiological stage in becoming a mother. Your oh needs to respect this and back off.

scallopsrgreat · 15/01/2015 13:54

I think Sunny has nailed it, pookamoo. This is a symptom of something a bit deeper.

wanttosqueezeyou · 15/01/2015 14:00

but he keeps saying it and that this will be the same weeblueberry.

Its not a discussion, or a throwaway comment.

More of a challenge.

How many times has he mentioned it Lea? What did you say?

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