Early pregnancy and TERRIFIED of childbirth

[teachermummy2b]

I'm currently 6 weeks pregnant and have my first mw appointment in a couple of weeks. As title really, although I want this baby (and we were ttc) I am really and truly terrified of labour and birth. I always have been really, ever since I saw a birth video at school.

I am already waking up at night and crying thinking about it. It's hard to try and pin-point exactly what it is i'm afraid of - its the pain, and the feeling that I just wont be able to do it. I know, I know, it's what our bodies are designed for, women have been doing this for centuries etc etc. But none of that is making me feel any better.

Before I got pregnant I tried to console myself with the fact that I would definitely have an epidural as early as possible. However from what I can tell, my local hospital won't admit you until you are at the crowning stage and then tell you it's too late.

I know I need to speak to my mw about it but I feel like such a fool. Surely she will just laugh at me and tell me to grow up?

Any advice would be appreciated x

I was in the same boat - terrified about the idea of the pain. Luckily while googling pain relief I discovered HypnoBirthing and Natal Hypnotherapy and my husband and I did a course quite early on in the pregnancy (about 5 months), giving us time to practice the techniques.

I can honestly say that watching the birth videos and using the relaxation techniques took away 99% of the fear. I went from being convinced I'd want an epidural to wanting an entirely natural water birth.

Most importantly though, it allowed me to enjoy the pregnancy as much as was possible given the heartburn, aching back, constant weeing and lack of sleep...

It really does work too. My 12 hour labour was completely bearable with only a bit of gas and air. I should add that in the end I needed both an epidural and a c-section (baby was badly positioned and there was meconium in my waters) and was really annoyed to be given pain relief! But I stayed really calm throughout.

Recommend you at least buy the Maggie Howell book Effective Birth Preparation as it is a relatively woo-free introduction and may put your mind at rest.

You will be fine!

I completely felt the same so have that in common, also a teacher which I'm guessing you are from your username. Mi was also literally waking at night in tears and ended up several nights sitting on the sofa just panicking. I tried asking if I could just get a caesarean as I'm completely terror stricken by the idea of giving birth. That didn't work.

So then I thought I should be a bit more proactive in trying to at least feel a bit calmer. So I've booked hypnobirthing sessions which start next week and I've also booked a doula. This is going to cost me a fortune (£1000 for both) but I'm so terrified it seems like a good idea.

I've met with the doula once and will continue to do so in the lead up to the birth. I'm 23 weeks now so there is time to work on the hypnobirthing. I can honestly say that I feel a bit calmer about it now. Certainly I'm not waking up in sweats about the birth. I feel reassured that the doula will be there every step of the way whatever happens.

Have you considered doing something similar to take a bit of control?

She won't laugh at you. And if for some reason she's not that helpful, call and find out the details of the supervisor of midwives and get the details of someone who can support you. I think most places offer some sort of ante-natal counselling.

It's alright to be terrified. Lots of people are. I reckon birth is a marmite thing - you either think, alright, this will be an experience I want to achieve it in x way, or you think, bloody hell, I don't want to go through it!

If you are really scared, and it sounds like you are, then keep pushing at the midwives until you get the support you need.

The only tiny bit of advice and support I can give is that I didn't want to give birth, but somewhere around 40w it was like a switch had flicked in my head and I no longer cared, I just wanted the damn thing out!

Thank you all so much for your replies, I really appreciate them.

pippinleaf what kind of support did your mw offer? I was also thinking of maybe trying for an elcs - but from your experience this is unlikely to be an option? What exactly does a doula do?

mupperoon thank you for the recommendation, I will go and check it out.

Definitely look up hypnobirthing

I remember those videos of birth at school in science, honestly they just over dramatize it because it's more interesting to watch than a calm birth. also births were so different then though, with mothers being told to stay lying down on a bed the whole time, which makes for a more difficult birth (unless of course it's unavoidable but in general it was done for medical convenience not necessity). Now things have changed, you can move about, you can have your own audio etc, you can choose your birth position and you can choose your own birth setting. More choice makes for a calmer less anxious birth.

I don't know if any of that makes sense! But I know 2 ppl who felt like u and did hypnobirthing and felt really positive about their birth experience s.

If you can't afford the course (or have other things yo spend money on) you can read the book, use the CD, and also my recent discovery in the last 48 hours at 39weeks pregnant lol is YouTube videos. I actually did a 121 course with dc2 which was amazing but I didn't want to do a refresher, and I just stumbled upon a couple of videos but there are loads in there with little tips, just search for hypnobirthing. And some much more positive birth videos well come up too that may counter the one you saw at school!

Sorry for such a long post, hope it helps!!

Nb I didn't want to do the refresher because I felt I could do it alone this time with CD and.book, not because I didn't benefit,quite the opposite!

I had my first baby a few weeks ago. I was like you and terrified of childbirth. I thought about hypnobirthing but to be honest im not yhe dilent breathing type and also when you go into labour you will do whatever works for you.

I went into labour at 4 am and managed to sleep through them untill around 9, i got up and had some toast and bounced on my ball. Around 10 am i took a paracetamol and got in the bath (with every contraction i just breathed as if blowing out a candle).

The bath somehow sped things up and u got out and decided to go to hosp around 12. Midwife says my contractions werent close enough (what did she know she couldnt feel it) but she checked me and i was 4cm.

I went to labour ward and gas and air was amazing, the key is to keep sucking before you get the contraction, most people do it wrong. inbetween contractions i was having fun talking shit because the gas and air.

looking back i had it easy and also cant remember somebits because of the gas and air.

so juat relax because you never know what will happen. i was really surprised mine went so well as i was so afraid, my pushing stage was 45 minutes long. the recovery was more annoying than the birth.

I wasn't scared of childbirth as such and had my baby 6 wks ago. I think my being relaxed helped so much though....I mainly laboured at home with a TeNS watching box sets with DH. Then had 5 hours in pool with gas and air before DS arrived. I used a lot of visualisation techniques which really helped like 'transporting' myself to the beach in Thailand we spent out honeymoon on. It sounds ridiculous but it really helped. I pushed out a back to back baby on just G&A doing that which is quite unusual for your first apparently so if you can find a way to relax, yoga helps too.

Push for a section, it will take the fear away.

I was scared. I agree with Thurlow, I got to a point towards the end of my pregnancy where I just thought that labour would be better than being pregnant. And that it would only be a few hours out of my life. And it looks worse from the outside.

Just to add in line with the previous poster, you may feel differently at the end of your pregnancy....those last few weeks are tough and I think you get to the point where the thought of not being pregnant anymore takes over and you want your baby to make an appearance soon.

My experience of requesting a section was that it just wasn't an option unless there was a medical reason.

A doula does what you want really. Mind does massage etc. I want a birth companion who is experienced, won't leave me and reassures and calms me. Google your local area to see what yours offer. She will be with me from the first contraction.

Those videos were meant to put teenagers off getting pregnant!

Most labours are just tiring and tedious - mine certainly were, and loads of time to get epidurals sorted. Remember people with boring labours who got their pain relief when they needed it don't bother posting or telling their stories to all and sundry, even though they are the vast majority.

Midwives should be understanding, and refer to counsellors, antenatal psych team, etc if you are really panicking and having nightmares more than the average nervous first-timer.

Knowledge is power! I was recommended to read the following books by a friend who is a Hypnobirthing practitioner:
Ina May Gaskin Guide to Childbirth
Grantly Dick-Read's Childbirth without Fear
Marie Mongan Hypnobirthing handbook
Juju Sundin's Birth skills. (they're all on Kindle and fairly cheap)
The first two are quite old, GDR was a doctor in the 50s who knew that there were societies and communities where childbirth was not a feared feat of endurance but a natural thing for women to go through, the amount of natural intervention free birth was astonishing.)
Ina May Gaskin has been a midwife on a commune in US since the 60s, it's a bit woo in places (she talks about sexuality in labour, and how it can be an orgasmic experience!) but she's well respected and goes round the world talking to conferences about her experiences.
But they all talk about physiology so you can reassure yourself that this is a perfectly natural process and we are all equipped to deal with it (for the vast majority).
Juju Sundin is an Australian birth expert or something, and she gives really good coping tips for birth, breathing, stamping your feet, anything that basically distracts you from thinking about pain or fear.
I am lucky that my mum and sister didn't have awful births and have told me very positive stories of only G&A births, so I know this can be a reality and they have always reinforced that what you see on TV and film is just DRAMA, it wouldn't make a very good cop show if you just saw the cop doing 8hrs of filework/sitting on a cordon for 10 hrs all night, or a teaching show where there was no confrontation and marking all night.
Ignore the bad stories you hear because some women are weird competitive scaremongerers, and once you've researched just how easy it can be find yourself a mantra, and keep telling yourself you can do it. It's natural! If it was that horrific women would not have more than one child and we'd have all died out! Plus the queen's done it four times! You will be fine!

I definitely agree with the Juju Sundin's Birth skills recommendations. It's a fabulous book and gives really great coping tips for every stage of labour - remember that even if you want an epidural you'll still have to deal with the early stages without pain relief. Her writing really makes sense and helped me to feel like I had some coping strategies for labour, which made me feel more relaxed about it. She's also not a 'pain relief is bad' kind of women. In fact, she also has great tips for how to push effectively when you can't feel the contractions (some visualisations).

I also found pregnancy yoga really helpful. Meeting all these pregnant women going through the same thing helped and again, being given some movement and breathing exercises helped me to feel that I had some strategies to use when in labour.

In the end mine was relatively quick and intervention-free.

Hi teachermummy Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy! I was exactly like you when I was pregnant with ds, and I spent literally the whole first 30 weeks absolutely terrified. It took up so much of my time and energy, and I can remember getting a list through from the hospital of stuff I'd need to take with us when I went into labour, and ringing my mum and just sobbing that I couldn't do it.
For me, I found acupuncture to be amazing. I went at about 30 weeks (wish I had gone earlier!) and she managed to reduce my anxiety enormously. It was amazing! Might be worth a try?
I haven't read all the replies to your op, but I did see the term hypobirthing as I scanned down the page. I don't know anything about it, but one of my best friends did it and it really helped her.
As an aside, after ds was born I promised myself that in any subsequent pregnancies that I wouldn't waste time worrying too much about labour and giving birth. After all, you never know how it's going to go until it happens, and what you get from it is the most wonderful miracle and is SO worth it!! For dd I managed to not think and worry about it too much, which was a huge relief
Also, one of the reasons I had been terrified with ds was because I have incredibly awful period pains, which are so bad they make me throw up. I thought if labour was like that then there was no way I could push a baby out in that much pain! However, with dd my epidural didn't work - I did start to panic slightly, but when we got to the pushing stage the act of pushing made the pain so much more bearable. I wish I had known that before, as I wouldn't have worried quite so much!! Hope that helps
Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy, and I hope you manage to find a way to help you feel better

I know I need to speak to my mw about it but I feel like such a fool. Surely she will just laugh at me and tell me to grow up?

Not if she is professional she won't.

Tokophobia - fear of childbirth - is recognised as a clinical condition and the NICE guidelines for c section cover it as a medical reason for having an ELCS. Whether your fear is extreme enough to be classified as a clinical condition is open to debate, but the fact that it can be, means that all midwifes and doctors should treat you with respect and be mindful of your worries.

There is no 'right' way to deal with how you feel; some people will suggest the ELCS route and others will suggest ways to cope with a vb. Ultimately you need to find the way that is right for you. (FWIW a C Section for anxiety or fear IS a medical reason as it is a mental health issue. Many people do not understand this including some HCPs, but the NICE guidelines do fully support this.) At the moment ELCS are often seen as the way to deal with this, but there are lots of options out there.

My advice would firstly be to really explore your fear - break it down into elements and work out in order of severity what your fears are and to write it all down. Being able to articulate your fear makes it easier to deal with. Everyone's fear is different too, so its an important step to take.

My second bit of advice is to tell someone as soon as you can, as it can take time to access support if you need it. Some places have peri-natal mental health support for women who suffer from severe anxiety. If you are so anxious that it is dominating your thoughts or giving you nightmares, you should try and ask for help as it is a medical issue.

My third piece of advice is to do your research and find out a range of different options. And what the policies, priorities and facilities of your local hospitals are. They are all different and it may make a huge difference to you. Knowing your options and rights puts you in a position is a good way to put you in control and feel better able to cope with your anxiety.

The only thing I would say that's slightly negative is that understanding of this anxiety is still poorly understood and taken seriously unfortunately, with care being very patchy throughout the country. Not all HCPs are as professional as they should be and there is a chance you will come across ones with a bad attitude.

I suffer from tokophobia. I now have a 5 week old son. I had a very positive experience as I got excellent care and support - you can find a way through it all.

Another advocate of hypnobirthing here!
I generally have a very low pain threshold and was really scared about how I would cope in labour. I didn't manage to complete the course, as DS arrived prematurely, but the techniques I did learn (along with the breathing techniques I learned at pregnancy yoga) helped massively and I was able to stay mainly calm in what could be viewed as a very scary situation (DS born at 31+5).
The techniques have since helped me cope with other things too, such as wisdom tooth extraction without sedation.
Definitely worth exploring, I think.

Please explore Natal Hypnotherapy (UK) or Hypnobirthing (US)

I did Natal Hypnotherapy, I did the course but actually having read the book from about 12weeks pg I calmed right down about my fears.

The CD's are good too, very relaxing.

Have a look here- www.natalhypnotherapy.co.uk

Natal Hypnotherapy - absolutely brilliant for reducing fear and keeping you calm - which should help things go more smoothly too. I was always extremely worried about labour but went through all but a few hours of a 3 day labour at home using just yoga and the hypno cd, and even though there were some complications, I still look back on it as a calm, beautiful birth. It also meant for a more relaxed pregnancy.

I was so calm they didn't believe I was in labour and if not for a lucky chance I may well have had my baby at home, which would have been inadvisable in my circumstances.

Oh, and don't watch OBEM as most of the births look pretty traumatic and don't follow today's guidelines on peaceful environments, walking around, all fours etc. I have, having watched every episode I think, only seen 1 that was like my birth, this:
www.channel4.com/programmes/one-born-every-minute/videos/water-natural-births/s3-heather-gives-birth-in-the-pool-to-baby-eivissa

It's quite a nice birth.

Thank you all so so much for your understanding and advice. It's reassuring for me that others were desperately scared but have gone on to have positive birth experiences ( even as I can't really imagine being there myself ).

I will look at the books and links you have helpfully posted, and will definitely speak to my mw when I meet her next week.

RedToothBrush thank you for that information - it definitely makes feel less of a freak that this is a recognised thing, so hopefully I can push for the support I need. What support were you offered if you don't mind sharing? Congratulations to you (and all of the other new mummies on this thread of course) on the arrival of your precious bundle. x

Another vote for Natal Hypnotherapy - you could start the relaxation tracks now, I think they recommend the birth preparation from beginning of third trimester.

Agree with RED and you need to make sure all options are discussed with your health care Proffs, see a doc as well if nessacary.