A Dad Feeling Very Underprepared

[BrickiBarthez]

Hello All

My wife is currently 38 weeks and ready to pop. We have the nursery all ready and she's packed hers and babys bag ready for the hospital. This is our first and to be honest i'm feeling a bit of third wheel. I'm not complaining in any way but I am trying to understand a bit how my role fits into the birth and labour in general.

I've read a few books but nothing beats hearing first hand, honest experiences.

Be there, follow her lead, don't take offense at anything she says to you during labour!

I found my dp most helpful when he did what I needed, encouraged me when I needed it and made sure I felt listened to. Don't feel like you need to have a plan. Be empathic, a constant presence and bring her things and you will be fine!

all I wanted/needed was for DH to basically back me up. So if I didn't want something doing he would kind of be my advocate I suppose.

He did a fab job.

Tips wise, don't say you are tired.

tell her she is doing a great job/she is a good mum. Don't let your mum or others bully her and when visitors ask if they can bring anything suggest they bring a cake.

If it is of any comfort, dp was a huge part of the plan for me. He didn't feel useful I don't think for most of it, but even seeing him sitting in the chair or just standing there meant everything to me

Oh yes, and aftercare is a major part. Encourage visitors to bring dinner when they visit you at home.

The best piece of advice I ever heard anyone give a new dad was this:

Pretend you are a butler.

She might not be able to move around that easily for a few days after the birth, so you need to fetch and carry all the nappies/changing gear/bottles/nipple cream/painkillers/medication.

At the hospital, you need to be your wife's advocate. She will not be in a strong position to push for what she wants, so you need to go into battle for her if necessary. If they try to whisk the baby off, for instance, and she is clearly unhappy about that, put your foot down and stop them. That sort of thing.

At the beginning I needed him to stand there while I hung off him for each contraction, during the first 6 or so hours between contractions I needed him to be there and keep me amused - we had a bit of a laugh really and then towards the end I needed to know he was right by my side with every push and contraction. He held the mouth piece for the gas and air and offered it to me whenever my grip got tighter. But mainly he was there for me to grip onto.

Just be there. It's a very very important job.

Currently waiting for the drop myself!
Be calm. Make sure the logistics are all in hand. Tell your wife they are all in hand!

Don't read things and quote them to your wife: your 'pregnancy for men' book might have fab information about how wives feel/what they should do .... but .... could get your head bitten off.

Know how to assemble/use everything. Sterilisers, nappies, car seat, microwave, kitchen. My big anxiety is if I have a c section or am exhausted can DH step in seamlessly?

Make sure you've got stuff packed for the hospital too - it could be a long session!! snacks, drinks etc. Wear comfy clothes - remember hospitals are usually very warm. Your wife will not want you trooping off to find a drink at a critical moment
I know I was completely out of it for most of my first birth - as well as being terrified. I relied on my DH to act as interpreter - he had to absorb all the information and then relay it to me when I was a bit more receptive. I also relied on him to know exactly what I wanted (even if this meant telepathy) so that he could deal with the professionals.
Once you're home your wife will be totally absorbed with the baby - you will need to do everything else. Offer her time so that she can shower etc. Monitor visitors, and if she really isn't up to them, then don't be afraid to turn them away.
Once you are back at work expect the house to be a bomb site when you get home, don't act surprised if your DW hasn't got dressed/washed etc. Don't expect dinner on the table
good luck!!

Just be there. Keep her water bottles topped up, help her walk round if she wants, hold her hand. Don't make her laugh in the middle of a contraction, it make it more painful.

Just follow her lead but don't tell her to breathe. My DH was brilliant when I was in labour but for some reason him telling me to breathe made me want to strangle him.

I had a c section 10 days ago. During the admission he got what I wanted, passed me the baby and generally spent time with me. Since discharge he has done all housework, cooking etc while I recover- and ensured I eat, drink enough. He forces me to have bran flakes and brings me drinks everytime she feeds.

He also has his phone with him everywhere in and out the house so I can whatsapp him when we need nappies, clean baby grows etc. He has been amazing.

Your role at the birth is to follow your partner's lead in all things. Back her up, make sure she has everything she wants, and don't take offense if she screams at you to shut up (sorry DH). If medical staff want to do something she is not happy about, support her decision.

Check with her in advance her rules (e.g. no one takes the baby from the room unless it is an emergency) and her birth pan.

Afterwards follow the butler advice above and just be supportive.

And to be clear - your role is a major one - she will need you, even just the fact you are present is likely to be of great help.

You need to take care of logistics- the best way to the hospital, second best way, have some cash on you at all times, cab firm numbers (if needed), phone fully charged and working. During labour I needed dp to do as he was told and just be there! My OH still thinks he was rubbish but he was amazing- You'll be fine. Yes to not saying you're tired......or hungry....even if you are!
When the baby comes home you need to do EVERYTHING around the house, cooking cleaning etc. My OH also took charge of "writing things down" for example I was too knackered to remember to take my anti biotics so it was his job to remind me. Perhaps the most difficult job is the regulation of visitors. It's hard to say "sorry but you can't come. My wife is too tired and having trouble feeding". BUT YOU HAVE TO! I wish we'd been more forceful, there were times when I could really have lived without a visit and wish my OH had just said no on my behalf.

I definitely agree with the poster who said to bring yourself drinks and food, your wife might not be happy for you to pop down the corridor to get a drink! Bring plenty of change for the car park at the hospital.

Make sure you have a list of who needs to be called or texted when the baby is born, mobile phone (and charger), camera, memory card for camera, camera charger.

you sound great and I am sure you will be a big help, as others have said put some juice and biscuits in a bag in case you are in labour a long time, I say you because this is an experience you will both participate in, you just have to let her know that you have her back and you think she is doing a great job, Good luck and all the best wishes for the three of you, my kids are the best thing I have ever experienced they are great!

Stand up for her with anyone necessary. Be her rock but don't tell her what to do she won't thank you.

Don't decide to try to get over your fear of needles by staring at the cannula being put in, if required. DH's face .

Agree with what everyone else has said and if she has to stay in hospital for any length of time - I was in 2 weeks - bring lots of treats eg chocolate, cake, fresh juice etc, a a few magazines to look through while she's there on her own feeding the baby in the small hours. My DH kept me sane and fielded the visitors during that time.When you get in from work take the baby for an hour, she'll want to shower etc or just have a bit of time to herself. You sound lovely btw, enjoy your new baby!

Talking from personal experience, I had an awful time with interfering in laws who didn't give us any time the day we brought DD home. They treated it like a party and brought crates and bottles of wine. My partner was on cloud 9 and didn't realise how bad the situation was for me. I ended up hysterical on what was meant to be the best day of my life and had a big fight with partner! I ended up developing PND.
So what I'm saying is protect her from visitors, people popping round for a quick brew is fine but keep visits to a minimum. Remember she is going to be very tired and emotional, she will need her rest and time to bond with the baby.
Good luck!

practical:

Change for car park(stressed pregnant lady shouting 'I don't want to get a bloody parking ticket'!!!)

it may be boring and longwinded until the big push happens. Each person is different, however,if DH had complained he was bored, or started playing with his phone, I would have killed him.

Be prepared to act like a servant, and be shouted at (rub my back, no, nt like that, that;stoo hard, that's not right.. where are my slippers, etc...)

pack treats anddrinks, have phones charged for the very exciting phone calls when baby has arrived, and ensure camera charged

afterwards, when youget home, be prepared to have to politely/ firmly declinevisits if its nota good time, and limit over enthusiastic granparents on both sides

Good luck, hope it's a happy birth

Pack your bag for hospital (DH had chocolate) and prepare to be a middle manager/dogsbody.
Know the route to hospital if needed.
Open your ears and listen.
Be in awe of what your wife or partner is doing.
Listen.
And listen a bit more.

DH also fended off the slightly bonkers housekeeping lady who wanted my menu choices for the day during a massive contraction. And ordered cups of tea that I illicitly drank.
He knew and understood the birth plan and the feelings we had about things etc in case of me being incapable of making my feelings known. Names too.

Wow

Apologies for only just responding but there is truly fantastic and helpful advice here. Many thanks for providing me with some clarity over what to expect although I do realise that each experience is individual so it will all come down to what happens on the day(s)

I have to admit that whilst this is the most exciting time of our lives I cannot even begin to explain just how scared I am as well. Whilst Wifey understands I'm nervous like her theres no way I want her knowing just how much.

What dollius said. Be prepared (rehearse mentally, if you're a quiet soul!) to stand up for her in hospital, and not give a shiny shit if you get looks from staff over insisting that her wishes be honoured - holding baby straight away, being given space to bf, staying with her if she wants. My (shit) hospital made DH go home while I was induced, and walked all over me. DH had to be my ferocious advocate to get anything done right.

And just by thinking about this stuff, you're doing exactly the right thing. You'll be fantastic!