A Dad Feeling Very Underprepared

[BrickiBarthez]

Hello All

My wife is currently 38 weeks and ready to pop. We have the nursery all ready and she's packed hers and babys bag ready for the hospital. This is our first and to be honest i'm feeling a bit of third wheel. I'm not complaining in any way but I am trying to understand a bit how my role fits into the birth and labour in general.

I've read a few books but nothing beats hearing first hand, honest experiences.

Tell her how well she's doing no matter what. When the baby's born, tell her how proud you are of her and what an amazing thing she's done.

NEVER down-play the pain she's in. You'll never know what it feels like, so if she tells you she's dying with the pain, go with it.

Rub her back.

Don't be surprised - and don't bite back! - if she snaps/shouts/swears at you. Birth is bloody painful.

Be prepared to do everything for her when you get back home, and don't dare to complain you're tired or busy - you'll never be as tired or as busy as she is, especially if she's breastfeeding.

If she's breastfeeding and struggling, sit with her and the baby at feeding time. You don't have to do anything, just be there and support her.

Take over any cooking and cleaning she would normally do.

Only allow visitors she's comfortable with and don't argue with her about this.

If she's in a lot of pain, be prepared to help her with things like washing and dressing.

Don't show you're nervous or worried even if you are. Stay calm. My dh seemed so calm the whole time that it rubbed off on me even though I almost started pushing in the hospital car park. He never seemed flustered but told me afterwards that "maybe he was a little worried"

The rest of the time he held my hand, smiled at me even when he felt like crying because I was clearly upset (he told me afterwards again!).

Afterwards he told me he was so proud of me and basically waited on me hand and foot for two weeks. He brought me drinks every time I was feeding the baby, he listened when the breastfeeding counsellor was helping me and then remembered things she had said that I forgot and helped me latch baby on when I was stressing.

I have never been more grateful to anyone it is such an amazing experience and to go through it together has just made me love him more

You sound great and you'll be absolutely fine you are not a third wheel you are very much needed!

Oh and he ordered me a doughnut cushion thing and got it delivered next day as he saw how uncomfortable I was sitting down!

Congratulations!

Well done for not letting on to your wife how nervous you are ;-) my DH did the same.

Echoing what the other wise ladies have said: take lots of snacks and drinks to hospital and wear comfy clothes. I'd also maybe take a cushion for you to kneel on/use for your head after as you may be exhausted too (although don't tell her that!)
Make sure that you know exactly what she wants birth wise and intervene i necessary. I said to my DH before that if I got to the stage where I was incoherent and told him I needed an epidural that he should fight for me. And he did!

Afterwards, don't let on if you see anything a bit grizzly , make sure there is plenty to eat and home and have some wine or any of her other favourite drinks chilling in the fridge! She might need you to limit visitors, tricky I know but if her birth is tough she will need it. And like the other wise ones have said, be ready to help during the night shift for the first couple of weeks. Again if she has a rough birth, she may struggle to move and will be exhausted.

Sorry if we've frightened you but impressive that you've asked!

Good luck and if you have the time, post back and let us know how it all goes

1. Pack yourself your own 'overnight bag'. Toiletries, fresh undies, tops etc. include phone charger/snacks/drinks for yourself too - maybe a book, etc. Include enough money/change and write down your important phone numbers in case your phone suddenly doesn't work. Take just your cash/credit card if you can in case you have to leave your stuff unattended.
2. Do a recce of your nearest Boots post-natal shelves and take note of things like where the maternity pads are/breast pads/gel packs that go in undies/nipple balm/ etc. in case you need to go and get supplies at short notice.
3. During labour & birth your wife may not be in a great state of mind to make decisions or ask questions. If you're unsure about anything that is happening ask the docs/midwives. If your wife appears not to understand what's happening have the confidence to intervene and ask questions. If she's looks unsure/unhappy about anything - ask questions!
4. After you get home expect to do everything. If she is breast feeding she may need a lot of support, emotionally and practically. She will need glasses of water with a straw - and help her drink this. She will also need lots of snacks as it's hungry work. If you're bottle feeding make sure you know how to make up formula and sterilise bottle/put them together.
5. You may well become her 'sound mind' whilst she deals with the post natal hormonal onslaught. Be patient. Be understanding, even if you're not sure. If you're worried at all speak to her midwife as she may not.
6. You will have a stream of midwives/health visitors come and see her and baby - you may also have the world and his wife want to visit but it's perfectly ok to say 'no' in those first few days/couple of weeks.
7. Expect to do all the washing, and cleaning. Get friends/relatives to help if they're offering to assist.
8. Make sure she has a bath or shower every day. She will appreciate this in the long-run.

Btw, you sound lovely.

Know her birth plan, discuss with her different scenarios about how the birth could go - how does she feel about drugs, interventions, etc. For the actual birth, it's useful to have a pre-prepared list of questions for things like interventions, should the birth go that way, e.g.:

• Is this an emergency or do we have time to talk?
• What are the benefits of this procedure?
• What are the risks?
• If we go ahead with it what other procedures might we need as a result?
• What else could we try?
• What would happen if we waited an hour or two?
• What would happen if we didn't have it at all?

If you happen to have a back-to-back labour, there is no reason why they have to have your wife on her back for monitoring (if needed) - it just makes it easier for the healthcare professional, but a heck of a lot more painful for the person in labour! DH was great at fighting my corner on that one when I was in no position to argue with the midwife about it.

You sound so nice wanting to prepare yourself.
My dp never let on how terrified he was and its only now i look back that I realise how hard he found it all so he did a good job.

I agree that you will be a servant. Just follow her lead and give/do whatever is required.
Discuss birth ideas before hand so you know what you both want in case you need to speak up on her behalf. Be the "alpha male" so to speak.
I warn you that i screamed at dp not to touch me when i was labouring and thats not uncommon. Some women just cant stand anything on their skin, but that doesnt mean she doesnt love or need you. Him just offering words of encouragment and reminding me how well i was doing was all i needed.

When you get home just support her and baby as much as you can. Food, snacks, drinks. Giving her some time to wash and have a nap. And yes to blocking visitors politely if required. Dont say that the wife doesnt want visitors, i would have hit the roof if dp had blamed me for refusing visits. It needs to appear a joint decision even if its hers alone.

Once back at work just help as much as you can when you get home. She might have tough days and need you.

Thank you for all this advice and support.

I must admit that i'm getting more and more terrified as the day draws near (7days to due date now) but I can only imagine that my wife is feeling it even more so I think the servant and strong stuff is exactly what I need to be.

The advice on my own hospital bag is also useful as I had no idea where to start with this.

Its all exciting and frightening at the same time.

My DP was fantastic. What he did that really worked for us was deal with all the stuff so that I could stay in the 'zone' and focus on breathing through the contractions. Whenever I lost my focus the pain became a lot worse. So having him anticipating every need - water, food, massage, fending off unnecessary interruptions - was a godsend.

There is a brilliant book called 'The Birth Partner' that you can get on Amazon which gives you really detailed info on all the medical processes, which helps you to be informed and therefore in some sort of control. I'd recommend it, definitely the most helpful 'dad' book we read.

The fact you've asked shows how much you care, you'll do great I'm sure.

The things I really appreciated were;

1. DH was my 'voice' during labour. The MW didn't believe I was in established labour and tried to insist I have an internal without pain relief . DH very firmly informed her that this was my 2nd baby, I knew that I was in established labour thankyou and I was well aware of my right to refuse internal examinations. Unfortunately I can't talk coherently when I'm in labour so I needed to DH to say all this, firmly, without getting angry.

1. Your feelings/needs/wants are not her problem. Be organised and sort yourself out. If you haven't eaten for 12 hours that is your problem and your responsibility.

1. Get knowledgeable. If she is going to breast feed, the Kellymom website is very informative. Around day 3 she may be weeping on the floor in agony. She doesn't need you to offer to give the baby a bottle to give her break, she needs you to do EVERYTHING else so that all she has to do is breast feed and that you are quite willing to rush to Boots at 4:50pm for nipple cream, knowing the shop closes at 5pm (DH actually did this). Knowing what will help and what will hinder can make the difference between whether she can feed the way she wants or not. Ditto Bottle feeding. If she wants to bottle feed, know how to sterilise, how to make up a bottle, the most up to date advise. etc.

1. Apologies for bluntness on this one - She is not the default parent. You are equal. Not all baby cries = hunger and (apart from breast-feeding) you can do anything she can do and you are just as capable. She doesn't have all the answers because she is female, you are learning this together.

Good luck. x