Trying to make sense of what should have been a very easy birth

[zinher]

I had been having clear show and mild pains all day yesterday. I was managing quite well with them using the gym ball. From the evening the shoe got more and more bloody and the contractions were getting quite severe concentrating in my back. I called the hospital and they said to come in. As soon as I reached the hospital the midwife put me on the ctg as I hadn't felt the baby move much during labour. She was so cold didn't smile at all, kept telling me to stay still or she would have to attach electrodes to baby's head. By this time I was in severe pain and staying on my back was killing me. I tried gas and air but it made me dizzy and so loopy. She examined me and found I was 6 cm dilated with membranes still intact. I had planned for a water birth and had visions of active labour and to be honest I felt I had managed it quite well at home.

I asked for epidural as I felt someone was stabbing me in the back. Even before the epidural was put in and within 2 hrs of being in hospital I felt like passing huge stools, I told the midwife and she said that feeling would pass. I had the epidural and then ARM and they put electrodes on baby's head which showed deceleration and I was 10 cm dilated and could still feel the urge to go to the toilet which I think was the urge to push.

After the epidural my BP dropped as well. The registrar came in and suggested a c-sec as the baby was still very high in the canal and they were having deceleration. Cue a very rushed and traumatic section as baby's head was very well engaged and she was lying in a very awkward position so I have a huge scar.

I know at the end of the day I am very lucky to have a healthy baby but I feel like I let myself and my body down by asking for an epidural in transition as labour upto then had been a breeze. Feel like a proper wimp.

ventura I'm inclined to agree with sillylass .

The ' there is people worse off than you' approach, dismisses the op feelings as not valid.

And they are.

There was no question of dismissing feelings Mishmash, that's silly and reading the post wrong. I've explained the reasoning behind what I wrote which was a) to accept the evident existence of rubbish feelings b) to sympathise (even empathise) with them and c) to attempt to offer something positive which helped me when I was feeling rubbish myself. Enough other people are saying 'it's normal' (which it is), I merely offered something else. Sometimes it's possible to avoid going into a deeper gloom by hanging onto the positive. It won't always work, but it can. Anyhow, I'll leave others to give advice - hope you soon feel better OP :)

I have a friend who is a midwife, one case haunts her, I won't go into too much detail.

A couple who wanted a natural home birth, after a normal perfectly health pregnancy. Things didn't go to plan and the baby was in distress, midwife wanted to transfer to hospital, couple wouldn't go and kept insisting it would all be ok and lets just wait a little longer. The midwife became more and more insistent and was writing on the note 'urgent transfer to hospital advised' every 10 minutes and getting the couple to sign that they wouldn't go. Eventually they agreed to go, it was too late and the baby died after about a week in special care. This all happened years ago now.

I'm sorry it didn't go the way you wanted but please don't dwell on the birth.

Enjoy your baby.

It seems to me that in just a couple of generations we have all forgotten just what a dangerous business child birth can be.

I have heard that you can book an appointment with a senior MW at the hospital to go though the birth with you and help you make sense of things. Maybe give it a few weeks, see if things work themselves out and if not try to see a MW.

The consultant came and had a look at my incision scar. He did agree it wasn't done right. He offered to redo it under GA although it wouldn't fix all the problems with it. I have declined this as I dnt trust this hospital's doctors anymore. I feel so disfigured by it.

I think I just need to take a step back, not look at myself for a while as it looks horrible and try to enjoy my baby, and once I am not so emotional see how I would proceed further with the hospital.

Right now I just want to grab my baby and rum away from this place and agreeing to further procedures with no guarantee of success would mean staying for even longer.

I'm sorry you have the added stress of this Zinher, it sounds like they could have done a much better job in many ways. It's brilliant that breast feeding is going so well for you, you sound like a truly lovely mum.

Kendodd I would say the absolute opposite to you. We have become far too willing to think of childbirth as a dangerous process. We've taken what should be a natural physiological process and stripped away all trust in it until women feel their only option is to follow doctor's advice. Many doctors have never seen a natural, let alone, home, birth and are not aware of the basics of optimum positioning, the role of oxytocin and giving the woman space to trust in her body. Frankly it's thus, vs the process of birth that is downright dangerous.

I completely understand your feelings and went through similar. Although it is paramount that your DD is fine it doesn't discount what YOU have gone through.

I was told a couple of times that I should just be grateful that DD was safely here but I'm a person too and needed to come to terms with how she had arrived and what I had gone through because it was some scary shit.

Congratulations Don't be hard on yourself.

I do understand where your coming from, any emcs is a shock especially when all seemed to be going so well and you so wanted an easy natural birth - I was very sad about my first one. Your registrar and midwife were concerned about the baby, and I think you need to try and focus on that point. they certainly don't offer emcs out for fun, so they must have been very concerned to do it.

any scar is going to look horrible this soon after, it will really fade in time I can assure you of that.

It sounds to me like the root of your feelings is how the section went rather than having it as such. You didn't have it because you took the epidural. You took the epidural because the position your baby was in was causing you pain and so you opted for a safe and effective method of pain relief. Then you needed a C-section for the same issue - baby's position. I think a debrief will help you with managing your feelings about that.

What I don't think it will do though is help you manage the memories of the C-section. I suspect you need to make a complaint about that. The clinical errors are one thing - and perhaps could not have been foreseen? But the behaviour of the staff is terrible going by your account. No woman having a C-section should EVER have to ask the staff to be careful. That's shocking and I think that's possibly why you are so upset - because you've been treated very poorly. It's not about having a C-section as such - it's about how that section was conducted.

Finally I agree that telling you to simply focus on the baby is unhelpful. Yes she's lovely and of course you're thankful BUT you went in to hospital a woman coping with labour and you'll be coming out a woman with a lovely baby, a scar you're not happy with and a feeling of being in every sense mis-treated. It's perfectly reasonable to feel upset about this situation.

First of all congratulatins

2. PLEASE think about getting this cot or one like it, they hold their re sale value and it will help you ENOURMOULSY...you wont have to sit up or move as much to move baby around at night, you will get better sleep, baby will sleep better right next to you...moses down stairs, THIS BY BED.

www.mumsnet.com/reviews/nursery/cots-cribs-cotbeds/9963-arms-reach-universal-co-sleeper-bedside-cot

There are 3 different types of co sleepers, there are NCT ones too, this is the BEST MONEY I HAVE SPENT ON MY CHILDREN.

I was getting the best sleep out of my nct group even though she was waking in night, because i wasnt being as DISTURBED.

Also get a V pillow,

www.marksandspencer.com/Marks-and-Spencer-Hollowfibre-V-Shape/dp/B002GE88SY?ie=UTF8&ref=sr_1_8&nodeId=1497276031&sr=1-8&qid=1391993566&pf_rd_r=02HX3XFHBMBSEMAKQEXA&pf_rd_m=A2BO0OYVBKIQJM&pf_rd_t=301&pf_rd_i=0&pf_rd_p=321381407&pf_rd_s=center-3&s_kwcid=AL!{ef_userid}!{ef_sid}!{creative}!{matchtype}!{placement}!{network}!{adwords_producttargetid}!{keyword}&ef_id=UsBXxwAABBTBLlxg:20140211222904:s

sorry huge link

again, in valuable....cheap - rest baby on it whilst feeding protect scar and so on, proping yourself up in bed...nestling baby next to you...so you can reach her...

get them everywhere i think....

big knickers that wont rest on your scar...syrup of figs....rest for a good two weeks do not pick up anything but baby...no heavy lifting just rest and lots of good food.

even when a baby comes out without any drama, its a huge thing, so really...be kind to yourself...its shock, trauma...an intensity on which lives are depending...you have been through the ringer emotionally, mentally and physically....

your not a failure, and you cannot predict what ifs, labour is un predicable, things change within seconds, chins get stuck, shoulders, heart rate goes down...labour is not predictable.

your body has not let you down, your body has made a wonderful little girl and carried her for months!

if you feel like a failure you need to ask why, what words, reading matter, classes have made you feel like this....when you have carried and produced a gorgeous baby...and you will now be her mother until .....for ever...

pain is a relative thing, i too had back stabbing pains and it was back to back baby, some people say they pop them out no problems, i was screaming for epidural...i wasn't allowed one and due to that, the pain i was in, that went on and on and on....an hour is a lifetime in labour....I had a section second time round...the pain was too much.

You need an epi and your lucky, you got one...

as for the giggling, thats so disprectful and hideous and when you complain, rockets will be fired up arses over that, its a disgrace...

complain to PALS and ask on ward who you can complain too also.

rest, recover, you have been through a traumatic ordeal...BUT, but please please take comfort from the baby in your arms....

many women go through ordeals, suffer the consequences of bad hospital decisions and they do not have that baby in their arms, don't sweat the smaller stuff like could have held on for an hour...

congratulations

NorthernLurker, that's exactly how I feel. The physical evidence of what went on is really making matters worse. Even the senior doctors after agreeing that the incisions are not done correctly on leaving said but all that is secondary, look you have a beautiful baby. I may sound like a horrible person here, but I know my beautiful daughter is safe and healthy and I am so thankful for that, but why should that mean I am butchered in the process. I am also concerned that if the skin wounds are so terrible what could they have done worse which I can't see and which may significantly impact my health. Everyone who sees that scar winces, it's that obvious. Posh it's just not the scar, the incision is going completely wrong way and the edges haven't been closed properly. I didn't really give much thought to choosing hospital for birth and chose one that was nearest to me. I wish I had looked more into it as there were other options available, I didn't know that they could vary so much in there care and things could go so wrong.
I just want to go home now. Am tired and an emotional mess.

Thank you for your suggestions MyDarling, I will definitely look into anything that will make my life easier at the moment. I tried a breast feeding pillow tonight and it made life so easy.

You poor thing . Is there any prospect of a discharge date? How long do you have to be on the IV antibiotics?

I didn't know that they could vary so much in there care and things could go so wrong

I would say maternity care is in dire dire crisis right now...its been crumbling for years.

I am hoping to put my tuppence worth in on a local hospital that has been failing for years and now after years of horror stories finally someone from QCC ( quality care commision) wants to listen.

I did lots of research before mine, however....even then it depends on who you get in that hospital...my consultant was great, the other one who I had just as equal a chance of getting was not so nice...

I had great MW on ward, but got ONE nasty one who told me " most women are up and about hours after a section now, get moving" so i did a big turn and pulled or ripped something which really hampered my recovery....

I was told by another MW "yes, they are up, usually the smokers who are off outside for a fag "

Its well known that care drops on a weekend...

I have hawked these boards for a long time, to get advice and help...and I feel like my hand has been held throughout getting my ELC for my second baby after the trauma of my first labour.

I have seen many many times, where people have had corrective stuff done...so please dont think this scar is going to be it...

there will be options.

when you get a moment, jot down quick time line of what happened to you, esp the giggle and sewing up something to something part.

I am just very conscious of the fact you have been through an ordeal, you are shocked and so on....try and write down what happened and don't worry about it...speak to PALS they really should be able to help you....your going to have gauntlet of horomones and so on...joy, crying, and so on...just take it as easy as you can!

I liked my hospital but its rep wasn't spotless by any means and the ward was chaotic each person told me something different.

The only thing i would say is that when i had to go back after this strange pull I had inside...it was quite hard they kept trying to get me to the docs ( i was back home) but I didn't want a doctor to look at me, i wanted the surgeon too...which i got in the end..

now i trusted my surgeon you didnt trust yours...but i would still try and see someone in the hospital who knows what they are talking about....

Definitely speak to PALS. Be firm that you are going to complain in writing about the staff's behaviour during the section. Tell the consultant you would like some time to think about his offer of redoing the incision - I can totally understand your fears about this but, if nothing else, having the offer on the table is support for your own view that it was badly done in the first place.

I had to have a section and always knew that would be the process for me, so I was ready for it, but there were other women on the ward who had emergency sections who were totally shell-shocked by the experience. Plus it is not by any means any easy option. In particular, whoever told you your pain threshold should have been higher is a fucking idiot - I don't care who they are; in fact if they were a medical professional I would say categorically that they are in the wrong job. Utter bollocks.

I have large and unsightly scars from other surgery (ironically, my CS scar was neat as anything) but several years on they have improved dramatically, and I care very little about them now. They're honourable scars that show I am a survivor. Same goes for you. I totally understand that you can't feel that way now, but time will improve things, really.

Pals is patient advisory liason service they are there to support you in circs exactly like this.

i have had to use them quite a few times, and only once had crap girl who was not helpfulusuallly htey are

Your baby was born healthy, therefore you successfully gave birth! Go back for a chat with a consultant as soon as you feel able about scar revision, but try not to focus on anything but your baby at the minute, things will get better I promise! Congratulations!