Trying to make sense of what should have been a very easy birth

[zinher]

I had been having clear show and mild pains all day yesterday. I was managing quite well with them using the gym ball. From the evening the shoe got more and more bloody and the contractions were getting quite severe concentrating in my back. I called the hospital and they said to come in. As soon as I reached the hospital the midwife put me on the ctg as I hadn't felt the baby move much during labour. She was so cold didn't smile at all, kept telling me to stay still or she would have to attach electrodes to baby's head. By this time I was in severe pain and staying on my back was killing me. I tried gas and air but it made me dizzy and so loopy. She examined me and found I was 6 cm dilated with membranes still intact. I had planned for a water birth and had visions of active labour and to be honest I felt I had managed it quite well at home.

I asked for epidural as I felt someone was stabbing me in the back. Even before the epidural was put in and within 2 hrs of being in hospital I felt like passing huge stools, I told the midwife and she said that feeling would pass. I had the epidural and then ARM and they put electrodes on baby's head which showed deceleration and I was 10 cm dilated and could still feel the urge to go to the toilet which I think was the urge to push.

After the epidural my BP dropped as well. The registrar came in and suggested a c-sec as the baby was still very high in the canal and they were having deceleration. Cue a very rushed and traumatic section as baby's head was very well engaged and she was lying in a very awkward position so I have a huge scar.

I know at the end of the day I am very lucky to have a healthy baby but I feel like I let myself and my body down by asking for an epidural in transition as labour upto then had been a breeze. Feel like a proper wimp.

Ps - what you heard in they theatre is beyond unprofessional - I am

Definitely try and speak to the registrar. If they are "busy" (ie they try and fib you off by saying they are doing 76 back to back sections), get DH to politely demand the consultant

Thanks gobbolino I just got some amazing midwives on post Natal. They took DD out with themm so I could get a two hour nap. I hadn't slept since sat morning. Feeling a bit calmer now.

Go back to sleep when your DH arrives. He can put the baby in his t shirt to keep her happy and get to know her.

There's no such thing as an easy birth. It is a risky and very painful business especially the first time.

It's triggered by enough hormones to floor a horse so no wonder we all end up feeling a bit of an emotional mess afterwards and you've been through an operation you weren't expecting to boot.

Be a bit nicer to yourself. You grew a baby and kept her safe for 9 months. I don't think you need to have a whale music induced birth to crown that achievement because you're already amazing. You can't top what you've already achieved.

Try and tell your DD about all the wonderful things you are going to show her and teach her and what a wonderful life she will have with you when this is all a distant memory

Oh sorry you feel like this.

Re your birth, I hope I can help a little as been through it a few times and most recently with a similar experience to you.

the pain in your back and feeling of needing to Poo would almost certainly have been due to positioning of the baby. She may have been slightly turned sideways as was my case. The pressure in the bottom passes once they are in the birth canal and ready to be born and although it feels like you really need to push, you don't which is why you were told it would pass.

In my case I was fully dilated but due to DS's position, he was still quite high up. At this point they checked the heartrate. He was fine but in your case they would have decided C-section. Baby can spin in seconds and I physically felt my DS spin and drop and he was born within 2 minutes. This could have happened to you whilst the C-section was underway too hence the dramatic C-section.

There would have been no way of knowing if baby was going to drop and in your case C-section was the best chance of a successful birth. The chances are the epidural had nothing to do with this outcome but more babies positioning and her ability to cope with the contractions

They do sound unprofessional in the theatre, it's your body and you and your baby's birth and it's really important that that's all it's about. I'm sorry and cross for you that they made it harder for you in that way.

I think it can be really painful recovering from a CS, a lot of people forget that as it's such a common surgery. But it's major surgery and it will take time to get over physically and emotionally. And it's hard to look after a baby at the same time. With any other surgery you wouldn't be expected to do anything other than look after yourself so it's hard I know.

Also, you said you don't know how you could do this again. You will be surprised how time and the desire for another baby one day will help that. And there's no reason that you would have to have another section. And if you did, or wanted one, then there are many ways to make it a better experience than you've had.

You sound lovely, and so do your mum and DH. Hang in there, you'll get through this. Be kind to yourself and drink and eat lots of nice things and enjoy the cuddles with your lovely baby.

Oh and also, when you're ready, it might help to write it all down so you don't forget details and you can work through them emotionally. Fine advice from me who has never been ready to do it, but I've heard it can really help :)

You poor thing, sound like a tough labour, tough c section and some horrible comments.

Is this your first baby? After my first, I felt a bit traumatised by the whole labour / birth thing, and kept reliving it, going over the details, just wanted to let ou know that I think this is quiet common, I think it must be a way of your brain processing such a huge, huge thing that has happened.

Also, your baby is a day old? And it's your first? Ok, welcome to the bonkers days that no one ever tells you about. Your hormones are going haywire, you have just had a baby, and major surgery, you have a newborn who you are responsible for. You are knackered and have had no sleep. Your body is knackered. You are in a blinking hospital. Your hormones are going crazy, give it a few days and your boobs will be killing you. (Sorry) did I mention the hormonal bit??!!

All this is totally bonkers and of course your feeling a bit teary and wierd. This is normal, and it's ok, you won't feel like this for ever, it will be ok. Get the midwives to sort out your pain medication, get dh /dp to bring you a cuppa and some nice cake. Be kind to yourself.

Also sounds like your baby was in a wierd position, I have had a labour like that. It is very very different to a labour where baby is in a typical /normal/ideal position. I understand about the back pain/ pressure. Mine was so bad if I could have got my hands on a knife I would have done a self cessarian there and then before they could get an epidural in. That is not an exaggeration, I actually just wanted to die the pain was that bad. I understand exactly. Whoever made the comments is ill informed, lucky and ignorant to what labour can actually be like. Ignore them.

Enjoy your snuggles with new baby, yes they hate being put down! Is hard work, but bloodly lovely! Enjoy xx

You are probably in a bit of shock and may find yourself over the months wanting to talk it through again (and possibly again and again..) as you process what happened.

We have all these dreams of how we will bring our precious babies into the world. We spend nine months with this being the focus of our attentions, we research, plan and get ready.

And then things don't go to plan. Suddenly the lovely birth we chose is stolen from us, and the feeling that we could decide what happens, that we were in control, in stripped from us. Ad it's scary as things seem to spinal out of control, even if they aren't actually out of control, but out of our control.

And the vulnerability of your little one also becomes horribly real.

So please don't feel guilty for being shocked and overawed and upset. It's natural and it's better to get it out than bury it deep inside as it will come out one day.

Birth is not a competition and it is unpredictable, more so than we are often led to believe.

But you have done magnificently, you have a beautiful baby, you are holding on.

So take it easy on yourself, enjoy those precious precious early days and don't be afraid to keep talking.

You're a mum now - its the best job in the world!

I think it's very unfair of people to simply write off people's feelings about how their births panned out - feelings are feelings regardless and I agree with everything Patilla above has said.

Sorry you had a difficult birth experience. Time will heal as you focus on your little one.

My birth experience was difficult too, I've asked for a debrief once my hormones have stabilised, from a friendly midwife. Is that something you could ask for?

Congratulations. A lot of people hate the way their first birth goes. It's nobody's fault. Don't let it ruin your early days with your baby. Hope you heal qui kly.

Congratulations!!!!

You might be in shock, I bloody was! My first labour was four hours from start to finish. Gas and air, painfull but doable .

My second, I could have happily flung myself out the window and killed myself. Started of fab, in birthing pool, after four hours when I was expected to start pushing , mid wives found I hadn't dilated anymore than the 6cm when I'd came in. The pain got pretty fucked up from then. The midwife suggested I ask fir epidural as she could see my contraction were thick and fast and very hard. I had one and what bliss!!!

An hour later all hell broke loose and I had to have ECS as baby's heart rate was dropping. Alarms were ringing. I was rushed through and dd was taken out.

I then started having a panic attack and dp was threw out the operating theatre and I was given general anaesthetic so they could finish sewing me up ( I as trying to sit up!)

I came round and dp had been crying, it was very traumatic and it took me ages to make sense of what should have been easy again.

Ask fir a debrief with your mid wife. It helped me discussing it with some one medical.

You did a great job .

get some rest your going to need it

I had a similar experience to you with DD1, 71 hour labour, awful back pain, failure to progress then emergency section. I'd been looking forward to a calm, drug-free birth, couldn't have gone more differently than expected!

To make things worse, she struggled to latch on and ripped my nipples to shreds within days.

I was so miserable and felt like an utter failure. I really thought I'd be "good" at birthing and feeding babies, then I wasn't! And everyone around me was! (Obviously this is nonsense, but it's honestly how I felt.)

However, by the time she was probably just over 1, I really felt like I was at peace with it all.

A few things helped me come to that point. I did a birth reflection at the hospital when she was 9 months old which helped me to understand what had happened, and how a CS was probably always inevitable, despite any choices I did or didn't make.

Also, we sorted out the feeding issues and I ended up breastfeeding until she was 18 months old.

And time is a great healer too, as you realise that the birth is just the tiniest, most insignificant part of motherhood.

If it helps, I have since gone on to have a wonderful VBAC, but I entered the hospital with DD2 on her way knowing that it could end in another CS, and feeling absolutely fine about that.

Enjoy your beautiful baby.

Just reading this thread, it's amazing what women have to physically deal with in child birth.

to you all!

Poor you. Childbirth is a weird experience for body and mind. Sorry you feel that way- you honestly haven't 'failed' - it's not a competition. The expectations we have of ourselves are very different from a couple of generations ago when you were in hospital for 10 days rest. Take your time to get over what is a dramatic event and have a nice treat to reward yourself

Thank you everyone your kind comments . Your comments and some really great midwives on the postnatal ward have given me a great help. I have asked for a debrief. The pain relief has got much better after DP literally had a tantrum at doctor. I am now on oral morphine paracetamol and ibuprofen. They are now on time and I dnt have to chase them.
I was having great success with BF as DD was quite good at latching on. However day 2 and my nipples are a mess. Dnt know what happened there. Have a consultation with the bf counsellor tmrw.
Have also developed an infection so on IV antibiotics too.
I am trying to concentrate on DD and try to block out what happened.
I am hoping to be dischrged tmrw to get back to some sort of normalcy.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. It helps a great deal to know others felt the same and came through it.

are c-section areas shaved before incision. Just had a look at my incision and it' is so uneven with one side lower than the other and skin flap hanging off at one side. I am seriously doubting the skill of the registrar and her professionalism given her comments during the procedure. I did mention it to the consultant and he looked at me as if I was bonkers.

Keep on asking and asking for help with breastfeeding OP.

Glad you are getting a debrief. Might be worth giving birth crisis a call.

Congratulations on your DD.

I had an EMCS after an easy pregnancy and a labour which seemed to be going well (she was undiagnosed breech), so it was a bit of a shock.

I came across this website a few months after, while searching for advice about how to deal with my feelings about it. I had counselling for PND, and while I'd thought a lot if it was to do with DD not being able to feed properly, it was a lot to do with the CS too.

www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/CSANDVBAC/csemotionalrecov.htm

It's a loooong page but read it in bits when you can. I found that some of it really put into words what I'd found difficult to express. In fact, I should go back and read some of it again as I'm pregnant with DC2.

I always felt that if anyone told me sections were easy, I would punch them. People say stupid, stupid things sometimes. Don't listen to them, and I'd be tempted to tell them to fuck off too if they make comments on your labour and CS again.

You're still in such early days, and still having a tricky time by the sounds of it, but you'll get through it, honest.

Huge congratulations on your DC!

Sorry, here's the clicky link
www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/CSANDVBAC/csemotionalrecov.htm

Not sure about the shaving (it's all a bit of a blur to me!) But I think that when you're feeling stronger you should consider making a formal complaint to the hospital about their treatment of you in theatre. Not good enough!

With the breastfeeding, it can hurt for a little while as your nipples get used to the constant friction, but if you feel there's a latching problem, keep asking for help with positioning etc. Ask and ask until you are confident it is resolved. I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I'd been more persistent and more honest.

Sorry you feel rubbish but please - you have a healthy child and should feel so grateful for that. So many mothers don't get anywhere near that far.

I can't answer about the way you've been seen up but would suggest you're in the best place to be bugging people about it if you're not happy. And you can quite often get answers to questions when you are resisting being discharged and they want the bed! Get your DP to help if you don't feel up to it.

It won't answer all your breast feeding questions (usually the phrases "yes it can bloody hurt" "yes it can be made better" "yes it will get easier with time and practice" and "yes they do feed that much at the start" tend to cover the first few questions but getting help will hopefully addres your individual situation) but I take it you have some Lansinoh? F not may I strongly recommend it to help with healing.

Sillylass it was intended to be helpful. I suffered with bad PND after my first child and focussing on the fact that she was healthy (after having been critical for some while in the ICU) was actually very helpful. It was advice given by an excellent nurse. I know plenty from first hand experience both of birth, feelings associated with birth and also PND. Trying to pick yourself up at the cusp by focusing on a huge positive could be useful advice for some people, so please don't dismiss it.