How soon should people come visit after the birth?

[mimpim]

We have hit a problem with the brother in Law and his wife making plans to come visit us one week after my due date (they live 200 miles away).
This being my first I am imagining that they are really planning to be here as close the birth as possible and for a week afterwards.
I am not sure that I want them to be here just after I have had the baby. My own brothers and sister (one of whom lives just down the road)will not be around for at least a couple of weeks after, and this is more what I would have expected from dh's side of the family too?
My Mother in law seems to think that it is Brother in laws right to be there if he wants to be?
But surely people should be considering what I, as the new mum, want, not their own rights??
Brother in Law comes with one year old niece aswell and I am just worrying that it will all just be too much for me.
Trouble is, I think they expect things to go this way as this is the way it worked out for them, as they had their daughter just a day before we were coming down for christmas last year. So we went ahead with our plans and were able to visit them in hospital and were then invited to their house the day after, the evening they got home.
This is all fine for them if that is what they wanted but it is not what I want.
How do I express that without upsetting everyone!?

easy. Don't say a word about it, then whenever you don't want visiters, hang a sign on your door saying "No visiters please, mum and baby sleeping!"

Simply tell them that you and dh need time to bond with and share the first few weeks with baby alone. Theyt are welcome to visit your home after a few days but not for stopping over.

Is it a visit or do they intend to stay?

Hi mimpim, sorry I don't have any advice about expressing what you feel without upsetting them (I'm not too good on the diplomacy stakes) but I really want to sympathise here. I had ds2 at home and all of dp's family came round THAT VERY DAY, expected to be entertained and I even had dp's brother's girlfriend coming into our bedroom to access the internet when I was trying to breastfeed my little less than a day old baby. I had given dp strict instructions not to let anyone through the door unless I said so, but he obviously finds it very hard to be tough on his family.

I wouldn't have minded quite so much if it weren't for the fact that 3 out of the 5 of them are so selfish they wouldn't even make themselves a cup of tea, they just sat around waiting for us to look after them. Dp's sister, on the other hand, and my sister and my mum, happily mucked in, did the washing up etc. and made sure I had something to eat.

That was only a day visit, I dread to think how it would have been if they had been staying. (We've just had them staying recently and it was stressful enough without having just given birth.)

Could you tell your in-laws the due date has been changed??? Or come up with some excuse as to why your situation is not the same as theirs was??

Sorry, not much help there but I really think it's your house and your baby, they shouldn't be imposing if you want your privacy. Putting it into practice is another matter, however. I am considering having a notice on the door next time saying that anyone who wants to visit must help with the housework and not expect to see me or the baby at all. But dp's dad would probably just think I was joking

What does your dh think? Can you depend on him to back you up whatever you decide, or will you have to persuade him too?

My bil bloody well moved in with us when dd was a few weeks old! Families

"Brother in laws right to be there if he wants to be?" ???? That's bang out or order in my view.

It's your right to start this amazing new part of your life the way you want it, on your term, with the people around you that you choose.

I would get you DH to handle this one. Its his family. Tell them that you are really looking forward to seeing them and them meeting the new baby, but you want to have some time to yourselves with the baby before you are seeing guests. Tell them that you have spoken to your side of the family and they'll be doing the same.

Yes, its horrible having to sort this thing out but, IMO its much better than sitting there with a new baby wanting space, quiet and time to get your head together without 24-7 guests (inc a 1 year old).

They shouldn't be upset as long as they are capable of understanding and respecting your wishes at probably the most important time of your life.

We told our relatives we wanted this and they were fine about it. As it was, after a week we really wanted them there for so help.

Good luck Mimpim

I loved seeing everyone the day I had my babies. I thin kcos your on a high for the first few days, it almost better to get it all out of the way before you get too knackered!!

Obv you don't feel this way, I think it would be best for your DP/H to say something to them after all, they are his family. Can understand how they wouldn't want to wait a couple of week to see the little babe though! They must be very excited! (though if you don't get on with them that would be different)

Sorry 0 have been no help whatsoever!!!)

Also, its good to set the precident for future stuff like this. We have found that now we stick to our guns more with family, they seem to respect us alot more.

If you really cant bring yourselves to tell them No, maybe you could invent a slightly potty, but believable DIY exploit, like having a room rfedecorated/sink fitted/wall replastered "because its easier to do it before the bay comes" so they have nowhere to sleep?

If this is your first couldn't you point out that you may go well past you're due date and the baby might come while they were there which is just not practical so they will have to wait until after the baby is born and you are feeling more settled before you can commit to any visits/arrangments etc.

not on at all, I would have hated it. I had few visitors other than mum and sis until at least 2 weeks later, which I made v clear before I had ds.

it is a special time for you and your dh and it is up to him to deal with this and let them know that it is not practical to arrange visiting times until after the baby is born and you know how you are coping etc

I'd say it's up to you to decide if you want them to visit - not the other way around.

We had a horrible time after we had Leo so when we had Eloise we told everyone not to come round in the first 2 weeks as we wanted that time to bond as a family unit.

I think you need to make it clear that it isn't convenient - especially as it's your first and you may well go overdue. Best to tell them that you will let them know when you've had the baby and when you are having visitors. Your dh needs to back you up on this too.

Wow what a lot of responses, I only watched the second half of big brother and here they all are!!!

Best get one thing straightened out. They don't actually intend staying with us, but in a hotel nearby. So that is one thing at least.

I do have DH on my side on this one, though it did take persuading. I think he is the same as yours mummypig, he doesn't want to upset them, but I had to talk him around to the fact that that is not what I am trying to do and that he had to understand my needs and his role after the birth to ensure I am kept calm and sane!

I think our next step is to speak to fil to see if he can be middle man. He can be quite good at that. Although mostly DH family do not discuss feelings etc, they would rather brush them under the carpet than face them and any fall out. I am more upfront with mine and we all deal with the fallout, no thats not true poor mother gets to tidy up after us!!

I think it would be fine for them to visit in the hospital but am not so sure on having them, one year old and pil all round at the same time.
But how can I expect them to drop everything the minute I go into labour to dash 200 miles just for a couple of hours visit?

Again, my brother and sister live away (admittedly more than 200miles) butthey won't be dropping everything do dash cross country.

If bil and family come up for the week after my due date and are here when I go into labour what will happen then? DH does not want their interferance (bad spelling, its late!?)
And then I will be having to entertain when I am hugely pregnant instead of relaxing!
It feels a little claustraphopic just at the thought of it. They come all this way to sit and wait for me to pop??

They're excited about the birth of their niece or nephew, they aren't going to be staying with you, you don't have to have them all round all the time, you can say "actually, I'm really tired, I know you'll understand, I'm just going to take the baby and hav ea lie down - you're welcome to come and see us again for a little while tomorrow?" and make sure DH is under strict instructions to usher them out politely.

If you go into labour when they're staying in the hotel, there's no reason they'll want to come and be at the hospital while you have the baby.

I might be tempted to say "why not come down once they baby's born, because there's a good chance he or she will be 10 days late and you don't want to sit around waiting for me to go into labour, do you?" then do a tinkling laugh and change the subject.

I think you're making it a bigger thing than it needs to be. Good luck with it all.

you will equally hate people with you before you pop! I turned off my phone and hid away from the outside world in the last week or so!

I really feel for you, I know this sort of thing was stressful for me when preg

I hope you manage to get the message across without causing upset. Could you explain how you feel to BIL's wife, would she understand ?

Not sure I can explain it to bil's wife, she is looking forward to her holiday up here and doesn't seem to see it as an issue at all.
I am probably making too much out of it all but I just want to nip things in the bud before it all goes too far.
Sil is making these plans in advance, I think I will just have to tell her to wait until after the birth before firming anything up.

Soon as I go pop, she can set her plans into motion.
I am also worried that they will then only come up for the birth and complain at having to come all the way up again for the christening a few weeks later. But it will be important for DH that his B is here for that.

TBH, the first week with a baby feels more like a month. You may cope better than you think.

Also, when you actually have the baby you will want to show it off to everyone.

I know it can be difficult to decide things like this.

With my second I said "Visitors on the day of birth or not until a week later" because the hormones are all over the place.

I would leave it and see how you feel once you have had the baby.

Good luck

if the christening is only a few weeks later could you suggest they come for that and leave making any other firm plans until after the baby is born?

Good luck. try not to worry too much about it, the reality may not be as bad as you envisage

Couldn't they be the godparents and then have to come for the christening instead?

ooh er, my inlaws came down when DS was 3 weeks old my mum came down when he was 2 weeks old for a w/e she was a welcome relief I must say, and mainly came down to do jobs etc for me.

DH insisted we managed with just us as he wanted us to be on our own which was fine but seeing my mum was brilliant.

PIL's thou don't get me wrong started out lovely, but towards the end it was too much too soon esp as it was first GC and all.

if they do come down all's i'll say is get them to do everything and make sure they know the score as in you will be tired and want a lot of sleep, and not to disturb the baby etc. the thing I regreat is not putting my foot down more with the PIL. it came together about 9 weeks later once we'd both settled down a bit more, tbh I wouldn't recommend it b4 then.

(what plans??) - also try suggesting that to save the trip just come for the christening so u guys can have time to bond together, and then it will be all the more fun when you do see them a few weeks later as you'll be more recovered, and (hopefully) a little less tired/more sociable with folk.

I had the 'in-laws' to stay as we lived quiet a way away when DD was about ten days old... I only remember as it was the day my mw signed me off.

It was the first time they had ever visited us and was v.stressful...

This time round I WILL NOT be having a nyone to stay and try to put off visitors as much as i can.

i didn't want anyone visiting at the hospital so me and DH just didn't ring anyone to tell them we'd had the baby til we got home! then we decided when we wanted people to come over, and by saying it like, 'we thought you might like to come over for an hour at maybe 2pm?' it put us very much in control, people had to wait to be asked.

Hmmmm, now I feel a bit differently from most.

They wont be staying with you so no pressure to cook for or entetain them and your SIL has had a baby less than a year ago and may actually be able to help you.

Personally I found the first few weeks hell, and having someone round was wonderful, just so they could hold DS for a while, while I went to the loo, drunk a drink or ate something. Also experienced mums who could help me decided what this particular scream was about was wonderful, as to me all his cries sounded the same

got to agree with dreamteamgirl, they're not staying with you so it's not like they'll be there 24/7... ye can be quite strict about asking them to leave if your tired or just need some peace, i'm sure sil will understand as she had her baby so recently. and it will nice to have someone there who can do a few things for you (a few dishes, cup of tea, etc) and help you figure stuff out with baby. and if you are overdue i'm sure you'll welcome the distraction of having someone to chat with and go for coffee with to take your mind off waiting for baby.