How soon should people come visit after the birth?

[mimpim]

We have hit a problem with the brother in Law and his wife making plans to come visit us one week after my due date (they live 200 miles away).
This being my first I am imagining that they are really planning to be here as close the birth as possible and for a week afterwards.
I am not sure that I want them to be here just after I have had the baby. My own brothers and sister (one of whom lives just down the road)will not be around for at least a couple of weeks after, and this is more what I would have expected from dh's side of the family too?
My Mother in law seems to think that it is Brother in laws right to be there if he wants to be?
But surely people should be considering what I, as the new mum, want, not their own rights??
Brother in Law comes with one year old niece aswell and I am just worrying that it will all just be too much for me.
Trouble is, I think they expect things to go this way as this is the way it worked out for them, as they had their daughter just a day before we were coming down for christmas last year. So we went ahead with our plans and were able to visit them in hospital and were then invited to their house the day after, the evening they got home.
This is all fine for them if that is what they wanted but it is not what I want.
How do I express that without upsetting everyone!?

I don't think that my sil will be much hep as such, not sure I would take the help if she offered, feel I might take it as critisism. I have a good friend with two children who I turn to for help and guidance. No offence aganst sil, but we are just not like that together.

I tried to suggest that they come up for the christening but they thought that they would prefer to take their holiday when the weather was better. At that point I had suggested the christening to be in November, so can see some logic in there, although we will be expected to come to them for christmas with a 3 month old, so it also did not help my frazzeled nerves to hear that as an excuse for them for November with their 1 year old!

I am sure they will be open to the suggestion that no firm plans are made for them to be here before the baby is born. Again, I think it is a lovely idea that she could prove a distraction, but in reality, not going to work. Now that I am planning to bring the christening forward, they may be more open to leaving their visit until then.
I am just waiting for fil to get back in touch so that I can place him as middle man.
But I am leaving everything until then as I do not want to push anything further until I have him on side too, that way he can make sure no-one thinks badly of me for trying to get things my way.
It just irks me that I have to pussy foot around trying not to upset people over my needs, instead of them just waiting to find out what they might be before making plans based around me and my unborn child.
I feel like screaming, stop pushing me!

argh! i know exactly how you feel. we live abroad, and when DD was born we arranged that MY parents would come over 1st, but they wanted to make sure that they wouldn't be in our faces too soon. which we thought was a bit hesitant, but also thoughtful.
however, my parents' "procrastination" wasn't good enough for MIL, who went and booked flights to come at EXACTLY THE SAME TIME as them without consulting with anyone.
I was heartbroken, as i really wanted my mum there first, and MIL had previously said she totally understood why i wanted that and then went and ignored it.
it was ok in the end, but it was certainly very stressful to have to cope with 4 grandparents all at once, who all wanted to hold DD at the same time, and would fight over who would push the pram etc...
next time i'll make a rota!

sorry- no advice really Mimpim, but sending you sympathy...

Talk about wanting your mum there first... my friend had to have an emergency c-section and so was put totally under. When she came too it slipped out that her DP had called everyone and they had come and held her baby before she had even seen him/held him etc... And he hadn't called her mum to let her know that the baby was even born!

Needless to say he was in the dog house for a LONG time after...

OMG VISITORS! This is just the start I'm afraid.

I spent more time hauling myself about making bloody cups of tea for bloody visitors than anything else. They are a pain in the arse. I know they mean well, but it's the very last thing you need when you've just had a baby. It's a private time I feel. You need quiet, time to bond, sleep and heal.

The first night I had dd in hospital they were all outside conveying messages via dh to 'just give her a bottle..it's getting late and we want to see her' because I was struggling to BF and a midwife was showing me what to do. Talk about pressure.

The best thing to do, if they'll let you, is visit MIL at her house. Everyone can meet the baby there and you can leave when you want. Believe me they don't take the hint and leave when they come to your house.

pol26 that is unbelivevable!Your poor friend - I don't think I'd be able to forgive that.

pol26, my blood just boiled for your friend reading that. That is probably the most insensitive thing that could happen to a woman in that situation. I'm surprised the hospital even let visitors pass a baby around like that with his/her poor mum out cold. I bet she had a hard time forgiving him for that one.

I was really paranoid about family being a pain in the arse. I imagined them all decending on the house, demanding endless cups of tea and passing the baby around, possibly making insensitive - just give 'him a bottle, it never did mine any harm and you can't him go hungry' comments whilst trying to establish breastfeeding. I have to say that they were all absolutely fantastic and did none of that. Hospital visit and then stayed away until we were ready. Letting them know what we wanted in advance helped lots - which I'm sure you'll manage to sort out.

Yes, it is a bloody pain having to be so political about something they should already understand, but its worth it to have things your way as they should be

my stepmother was oh so unhelpful when she came round. she'd grab 2 day old dd out of my arms/dh's arms/moses basket, basically shout helllloooooooooo in her face, poke her feet, jiggle her about till she cried, then shove her back to me. this went on for 3 visits til they naffed off back home to france. now she's begging us to go visit them. fgs.

I'd been home an HOUR when our first visitors came over (2 sets of). We were allowed home on the same day as DD was born because it was so straight forward and I was gagging to get home. I really, really didn't need to be faced with well-meaning friends so soon after though. Even though they were only visiting for an hour or so , I was just desperate for them to go away.

with DS1 we hade far too many visitors too quickly and DH got a bit fed up with it as well as me! With DS2 he told everyone they weren't to visit me until I'd been moved to the little local hospital (a day after the birth) which was great as it it gave us a bit of time to settle. Also, with DS1 I found breastfeeding a real struggle and even worse with loads of people around watching.
Your DH has to be the one who explains to people and it sounds to me like he should be more assertive with his family. No-one has the "right" to come and see you and your baby - it's a privilege!

in my hosp we were only allowed 4 visitors at a time twice a day - 1 hour in early afternoon and 2 hours in the evening. At my cousins hosp they didnt have any rules and the people were squashed on her bed as far too many to handle!!