How much support did you need after your EMCS/ELCS

[Writerwannabe83]

Morning everyone, I'm due to have an ELCS next March and there is a chance that the day after it my husband might not be able to be with me. I know women make different recoveries but in general how dependent on others were you within this time frame? I'm imagining being in lots of discomfort, bleeding everywhere, needing help to go to the toilet, needing help to handle the baby etc and the thought of having to rely on the midwives for this doesn't exactly fill me with much comfort. I'm probably going to show these responses to my husband as to be honest neither of us know what to expect. His parents have said they will come and sit with me but I know outside of visiting hours they won't be allowed to - plus, if there are any embarrassing factors to post c-section I'm not sure how comfortable I'd feel about that. So all stories, good and bad are much longed for. Thank you

Im sorry you're in this situation op. I think your oh needs to give up his best man duty. You have no idea how you or the baby will be after the cs ( fine im sure but you don't know). My (now ex) dp was away for about 4 days a few days after my cs. I had agreed to this beforehand thinking I'd be fine as my mum would be with me. I was fine but I felt really let down by my dp and much resentment. It's really bad timing for your oh but such is life. Your life is about to change hugely and you need to be a team from day 1.

Is your husband not happy with anything other than being at the full day of the wedding from beginning to end? I can understand that he has been looking forward to, but he has something bigger now. He has to balance them.

Are you sure about asking to move the section forward? How long do they plan on keeping you in hospital for (I know you have other medical conditions as I remember you from other threads, so don't know if that affects things?). Being at home in the first few days with a new baby, post surgery, possibly not very mobile, is likely to be way harder than day 2 still in hospital. I would be very, very careful about making it a time when you will be just home.

I had ELCS and stayed in hosp for 3 nights. Oh came everyday and did all the changes etc as you won't be able to do much for first couple of days. He helped me in the shower and sorry (tmi) but I wasn't prepared for the massive amount of blood I lost when getting up/showering first time. Lady on same ward also had elcs and her oh wasn't around so much for first couple of days. If you are still in hospital you will be fine. Good luck.

You will still be in hospital so should be fine. My husband only popped in for an hours visit as he was looking after DS1.

I was able to go to the toilet, shower, lift baby on my own.

Because of my health problems there is a very real risk that I could get quite unwell and a small risk the baby may not be 100%. I think my husband thinks a c-section is quite a straight forward procedure and I will be up and about the next day. I have explained to him how some women have been (from this thread) and it has made him think a little more but I genuinely don't think he sees how much me and the baby may need him. I would imagine that due to my medical conditions they would want to keep me in for about 5 days. I'm seeing my Consultant in 4 weeks and this time my husband is going to come with me - I'm going to ask her to give a very real picture of how things may be after the c-section in terms of my dependence and also mine/baby's health.....maybe he will take it more seriously if it comes from her. He has said that I will obviously be his priority should something happen and he will just not go on the day if that's what is needed - but I just want him to tell me now that he will pull out so he can 100% commit to me! I know that sounds selfish. And I want him to say it without making it sound like giving up the wedding is a sacrifice he isn't happy about. I made a comment that I was worried that he'd rather be at the wedding than with he and the baby and he got really angry and upset....hence the raised voices.

Sorry, just read the rest of the post. If he has to have a day away I would say on a practical level the day after would be the best time. If you delay it a couple of days it may be the day you are due to come home and would want him to be there for that. When you are at home there is no one bringing you meals etc so his help will be needed more.
On an emotional level your hormones will be all over the place so the more support you have the better

What I'm really not clear in this is whether you husband why you husband is worried about the wedding.

If it is: this is my best mate, I want to be there to support him on the morning of his wedding. I made him a promise and I wan to be there.

i can get that. But that is surely covered by attending the service, when he probably can't be with you anyway.

If it's that he is annoyed about missing a good party, I think he needs a swift kick up the arse to get his priorities in order.

When you say "you imagine" they will want to keep you in 5 days, is that based on information you have been given by your health team? And will they be the ones discharging you? Because in my busy london hospital, they kicked almost everyone out after three. You want to be sure not only that it's the plan, but that it will be followed through.

Sorry, that post got mangled:

What I'm really not clear on in this is why your husband is worried about the wedding

is what it should have said.

Please do not worry. You could also be major in capacitate after a vagnial delivery out of my NCT group I had the easiet time, they had all sorts, kept in for a week and so on.

Get a v pillow, keep the baby close to you, wedge baby in the pillow next to you, they cant move, you cant move anyway....all the MW saw me like this, no one said a word.

I slept with her wedged next to me. I changed her on me on the pillows.

Lots of help from MW but not that much help needed.

Catheta in for as long as you need.

Drink LOTS.

All ladies round me had had EMC I could over hear their stories, very nasty times, and yet they were all walking and up and about in a far better shape than I. I did a twist and pulled something.

Even though after three days I was walking round and able to climb stairs. I just got more tired more quickly and had to take it easy, after a week, 20 mins was my moving limit in one go.

I would have easily survived without my DH in the hospital the next day the baby will be alseep for most of the time, and really the only thing you might want to do is sleep, and know the baby is being watched, adn the staff can watch it if neccasry.

Get yourself a co sleeper cot. read the reviews, it has been key to my recovery, my sanity etc...moses for down stairs, co sleeper up stairs, like this...

www.mumsnet.com/reviews/nursery/cots-cribs-cotbeds/9963-arms-reach-universal-co-sleeper-bedside-cot

It definitely isn't the party - he has said that even if he does go to the Wedding he will leave as soon as the speeches are done which is straight after the meal. He won't be staying for the Reception. They have just been friends for a long time, the Groom was Best Man at our wedding earlier this year and that's why it is so important to my husband. He wants to be there at the Top Table, in his suit, giving his speech etc, he just really wants that experience which I totally understand.

In terms of how long they are keeping me for - I'm at risk of having seizures for a few days after the birth and my Team have said they want to make sure I'm not having them, or if I do start having them they can get them under control before they would allow me home. They are also concerned about my epilepsy drug levels fluctuating after the birth be it they drop or make me toxic so they just don't want to take any risks. I'm going to try and get a more definite answer from my Consultant when I next see her but I know it can only be an estimation - it may turn out that I'm absolutely fine after the c-section and they will send me home earlier. I just hate not having definite answers.....I'm a bit of a control freak I think....

Writer just read your other posts, emotionally of course you may need him there.

Difficult situation, but I am sure bringing ones child into the world, trumps bext man....I would not be happy about this one bit. Is he very young.

Thanks for that link Clememntine, that looks like a great idea and definitely something I will consider

No, he is 31. Personally I think when the day actually arrives he won't even want to leave us!! I'm not sure he's aware of the overwhelming emotion he will feel at the birth of his child

I'd make him aware you probably won't be up and about the next day and will most definately require support. Its major surgery. It would be much easier if you still in hospital. Seems a shame you are having to stress a little about this. Of course you will manage though. My Oh had 2 weeks paternity leave following my discharge and I was glad of that.

He wants to be there at the Top Table, in his suit, giving his speech etc, he just really wants that experience which I totally understand

what about the experience of being by his partners side after she has gone through a major op to bring his baby into the world, what about that experience.

Your lots more understanding than me.

I would not be happy with this at all, life is unpredictable, sorry mate something far more important has come up! Tough titties about your best man speech.

To be honest, it's the meal and the speeches and that that I meant by 'the party'. To me, anything after the service is 'the party' and it's a bit you go to because you want to enjoy yourself. Not to perform the support role of bridesmaid/best man, etc.

I think that, if you are even possibly thinking of asking for the section to be brought forward (which they may not want to do anyway), you need to be very clear that you will still be in hospital at that point.

If you're in hospital, I'm not sure which day makes that much difference. But personally I wouldn't be that impressed with my DH choosing to maybe not see his baby on the second day of its life for more than a couple of hours because of a wedding breakfast. So from that perspective, a couple of days might make quite a difference.

Exactly clementine - that's the attitude I want him to have He is just so laid back and has a "worry about it at the time" kind of attitude, which I do love about him, but it's not the attitude I want in this situation! He has said a few times he will pull out but he clearly isn't happy about it and so then I back down. I just want him with me and to feel like we come first. He says we do, so why doesn't it feel like it...

If you are looking for what others would feel, I wouldn't feel quite as strongly as Clementine. I would be perfectly Ok with him helping before the service, doing the service, etc. Weddings are important. Best friends are important. Unless things are massively wrong, visiting hours mean he can't be with you then anyway.

I would be massively fucked off with the idea of him prioritising sitting in a posh suit through a (generally poorly cooked) meal and (generally dull) speeches over being with us.

After he got kicked out at 8pm, I wouldn't give a stuff if he went back to the party, as long as he was compos mentis for 12.30 the next day

I think you feel like you don't come first because he hasn't said he will cancel his BM commitment.

I do think you will easily cope in hospital on your own, I do think you will be fine, mine and most peoples was a wonderful experience.

However it isn't something to be taken lightly....what if something does go wrong you don't need to worry and have added pressure and guilt...."sorry love for the heomragge...looks like you may have to miss the speech" him in scrubs asking whether you need him there....bargaining with the staff....looking upset...

its ridiculous,

Sadly being a parent means we miss lots of things we want to go too.

When you see the consultant make sure you say he wants to be best man and you are extremely anxious and worried about him leaving you..

I just think he should cancel altogether and remove the issue entirely.

I concur with penguin over going to the party after visiting hours ( I think ours were up to 9pm)....I should think that would be enough really, I think his BF should understand he isn't letting him down lightly its that you know....his baby is coming into the world....

I wont say more I don't want to wind you up....anyway good luck, mine was a wonderful experience and it all went well and was fab...I even enjoyed my hospital stay after dreading it!

Well I'm definitely going to have a really good think about all the advice I've been given this evening and then discuss it again with him tomorrow. Maybe he doesn't understand how important it is to me because I haven't actually told him. I would never tell my husband what to do, I want him to see for himself what the right thing to do is.....but the waiting for the lightbulb moment is getting frustrating!

Honestly as you'll still be in hospital it would be fine. I had an EMCS on Wed, home Fri, back at my home office desk on the Monday.
Wasn't great, I had to crawl up and downstairs (wonky leg plus post surgery) - but needs must, and you get through it.
Your husband is torn and wants to be there for you and for best friend on his big day. I wouldn't put pressure on him not to go...you will be fine.
Good luck with everything.

Dont wind yourself up, I agree hearing it from third parties, ie your consultant will be better....my DH nealry always listens to what other people say more than me!

Hi

I would say you need your partner with you - emotionally and physically. Its your first baby and those few days afterwards are very precious, even though they can be filled with pain from recovery.

It may sound crazy - but can you not change the C-section dates to 2 days later, then you could both go to the wedding. Or ask the happy to couple to shift the dates back by a week so you can both go.

If you can't change the dates - then you may be at home by the time he goes - as currently its a 24 hour stay in hospital after a CS and all being well, they discharge you (this may be different in your hospital).

As some other ladies have pointed out, the bed thing is an issue - although they don't help in hospital - they do have electronic beds which means you can manage to get out of bed (without being in immense agony). Then there is the whole getting home from the hospital - feeding yourself and baby. The scar is painful - and you may feel unwell, probably not exhausted as you would have skipped the labour, but none the less, if there is any time your partner needs to be there, its the day of the birth and the week after the op, until you can cope by yourself. Having a C-section is a MAJOR operation and not to be taken lightly.
Hope that helps - and good luck!