ALL women who have had c-sections.........

[3sections]

I know this topic rears its ugly head to often but, after my first son was born by emergency c-section 6 years ago i have had 2 more babies by elective c-sections, and i have always had this sometimes overwhelming sense of failure, i look at women that have succesfully given birth vaginally and i envy them for it, not just a vaginal birth but the opinions other people have of you, i have had some people comment that i might not feel as 'womanly' as women who have had vaginal births, as much as i hate them to say it i cant help feeling they are right i dont feel as womanly, am i on my own with this? sometimes it makes me long to have had a natural birth so much so that it brings me down, but obviously i have 3 very healthy happy kids and thats all that matters, i do take that into account but, out of all the other mums i know i am the only one who has had c-sections and i cant help but feel my births were very clinical as opposed to there natural ones, i feel let down by my own body

Have you had counselling for this or found out if there is a support group near you?

I had 2 caesareans and my attitude is, I would be dead if I hadn't, my DS would be dead, and my DD wouldn't have been conceived because I would have been dead. I don't feel remotely unwomanly for that. Lots of vaginal births aren't "natural" btw, there's lots of drugs, ventouse, forceps etc. involved quite often, nothing natural about it. My children don't care how they came out, they care what sort of a mother I am to them. And I'm sure your children probably feel the same. I also think you should avoid people who tell you you ought not to feel womanly, they're talking crap and I wonder about what their motivation is in trying to make you feel bad.

i've had 2 emergency c sections, adn i know what you mean. i'm not planning any more children, so i'll never know what natural childbirth feels like, and although i'm a bit sad about that, by all accounts it's a lot of pain adn screaming (much of the time). i try not to think about it tbh, i just put it down to my cervix not working. at least we've been able to have children at all

I know some women who've had some terrible, very clinical vaginal births and were physically and mentally affected for a long time afterwards.

I've had 2 c/s and feel very positive about them and my resulting daughters.

I think their motivation is purely to see my reaction, i dont know, i DO know that without c-sections my ds1 would be dead and very likely me too, and i have had some counselling but she said most women feel this way and i should just accept it as normal! i dont go about my days just feeling depressed and angry but it is something that i do feel let down by and if it supposed to be normal how do other people feel, how do they deal with the emotions of it?

I am with caligula. As I had a stillbirth between my two electives, I passionately wanted a successful, happy VBAC.
But - I and ds would have been dead without my first elective, so I try to focus on the outcome rather than the process.
I hear what you are saying though - and have moments of feeling "cheated" about it all too, especially as neither of my electives was a particularly happy experience.
I never feel I have "failed" though,and I agree with caligula again, I think you should consider discussing your feelings with someone. You have three children safe and well - that's not a failure

yes, outcome, that's it. I had a baby, not a birth

I've had two sections (should say c-sections I'm not a nutter honest)
The first was emergency,the second was advised due to gestational diabetes. I would have like to have tried a natural birth but at the end of the day it was the safest for the babies.
It doesn't make you less of a women. Don't forget a c-section is a major operation.
Like others have said maybe you need to talk to someone about this.

I know what you mean. It is one of those irrational things that no matter HOW many times people say 'it isn't yor fault' ' you are no less womanly' It still feels that way. Even if logically it saved your live and the life of your child.

I too feel let down in some ways by my body, however I don't dwell on it very much now (my kids are 7 and 5) I do think if these thoughts are more than just a fleeting sorrow, or they really get you down, then I would speak to someone about it. As it is something you need to address and move on from.

I think it is something that goes away over time TBH. However I think that saying it is 'normal' to fell how you do is not necessarily true. Yes some women do feel that way, but others don't. If it saddens YOU, it needs addressing.

However like I said over time and in teh great scheme of things it doesn't really matter. If anyone says anything to me I throw back 'well at least I'm honeymoon fresh and it's not like shoving a sausage in a bucket' That soon shuts up the womanly comments

Agree with Caligula, fio and Marina. I think of my birth experience as a sort of negative bloodbath blip in the middle of an, on the whole, very lucky, lovely exciting pregnancy and an, on the whole, very lucky, lovely, exciting parenting experience. Certainly my emergency caesarian wasn't my most enjoyable hour and I do sometimes wonder if things could have gone differently but I definitely don't feel a failure just because they didn't come out via my vagina. I hope you find a way to deal with this, 3sections. Do you think some sort of counselling might help?

Sorry- I see that you've tried counselling already.

what is wrong with these people that say this to you??!! I am so on your behalf. I am planning a c-s this time as I had a horrendous "natural" delivery of DS (long, clinical, painful, post-natal complications) & quite frankly I am not willing to risk my bits or my brain again!!

I am assuming that the great majority of these smug womanly people were also crying out for epidurals when the time came & most of them gave birth in hospital. I am also assuming that most of them would rather be rushed to A & E if they have a nasty accident than trying to treat themselves at home with a bit of witch hazel and arnica ....

I would have been dead if I hadn't had my sections. That's more important to me than any envy I might feel towards other women who give birth "naturally", and it completely overshadows any feeling of "failure" I might have had.

I'm not a "failure" because of my sections, I carried my babies just like other women, and I have raised them just like other women raise theirs. It doesn't change the parent I am, simply because of how my children emerged from my body. They are 5 and 7 now, and it doesn't matter to anyone how I delivered them, just that they are here and happy.

I would suggest that the people who are telling you this stuff are very insecure, and possibly jealous of your sections in some way. It says more about them than about you.

I'm sorry that this is eating you up, and I think that counselling would be a good idea, if you seriously can't let go of the way your children were born and focus on how they are now, not how they were delivered.

Buck up, love (OP)
I had two emergencies and felt just as you describe for months, however I realise now that NO ONE gives out medals for natural births and my Down Belows are un cut and intact and my kids are healthy. Bonus.
In fact the only thing bugging me is that I went for VBAC for ds2 instead of asking for an elective C.

I hope you can come round to a similar way of thinking eventually and get on with your life.

Ignore them. I had an em section with ds1 and my MIL said that I wasn't a real mother because I didn't give birth "properly". We didn't speak to her for 6 months (bliss..). I had vbac with ds2 and whilst it was a really positive and different experience compared to ds1 it hasn't made me a "real woman" or any of that rubbish. Both my babies are healthy and how I got them out has nothing to do with anyone. There are advantages to vbac and advantages to sections. I recovered really well initially after my vbac but the tearing has left me with some longer term problems. And there's nothing "womanly" about the humungous piles which you get after a "natural" delivery (but don't get with an elective section)...

I had an elective for my dd as she was breech and a fairly big baby. I had high blood pressure, mild pre eclampsia and felt generally awful towards the end of my pregnancy that I wouldn't even let the hospital try to talk me into having dd moved rather than a section, esp as the sucess rate was so low at my hosptial.
I felt bad at the end of the pregnancy, that my body was letting me down, that my stupid body wasn't doing the things it should.
Its nine months on and I now dont realy mind the section. The outcome could have been different if I'd tried to have a natural birth, I may not have been able to cope with a breech birth and had an emergency (which is what the hospital warned me if I'd had tried for a natural birth), I may have torn badly if I'd gone for a natural birth and it may have put me off having another. My DD could have been distressed / gotten stuck / any one of the 100's of things that could have happened to change the result. I know now that the route I took was the best for me and that the problems I suffered are common.
I understand how you feel and you prob feel it worse than me with your first being an emergency (I had some time to get used to the idea by the time my section came along), and it is easy to feel envious of women who have had wonderful births.
But the end result is still the same - a lovely healthy baby and that is what you need to focus on.

keep talking about how you feel.

A cs takes alot of strength to get through & recover from. For me the cs was the hardest birth to recover from & mums need more recognition for this. A cs birth can be so calm and wonderful for all. Be proud of your achievement & hold your head high - you've given birth three times and are a mother xxx

You sections took 1 day in the life of your child, think about the other 364 days of each year that you have your happy healthy child with you. When you weigh it up like that - it really doesn't matter a jot how they came!

Those years ahead are far more important than how children actually arrive.

I've had 3 sections, 2 labours and quite enough of 'natural' childbirth. I would have liked a natural birth last time because the recovery from a section is so blody hard. Sod feeling womanly. However my first son is severely autistic, and I was not prepared to take any risk on my last birth just to achieve a natural birth, I just wanted a healthy baby.

Lets face it, birth, by whatever means, is messy, scary and painful.

oh the 2 labours were pre-emergency section- I haven't had 2 natural deliveries- just the labours! (26 hours in total- quite enough )

I had two sections. With dd we would either both have died or been severly diabled at the end of a 'natural' delivery. Ds was big and breach, a footling breach, so I would have risked him suffereing hypoxia and possible brain damage if I had attempted a VBAC.

I have never felt a failure. Before I had dd I has a MC at 12 weeks, and to me that was an utter failure. As long as both baby and mum were fine at the end of the birth, that was a resounding sucess for me.

I can understand that other women do feel cheated and it would be worth looking into some support.

I was upset at first when I realised I was going to have to have a c-section with dd1, and yes I did feel let down by my body. But - and I think this made a big difference - I had time to come to terms with it before the actual op (I was in hospital for a couple of months, knowing that I'd have to have a section at the end of it), so that by the time dd1 was born I was just as elated as I'd have been with a natural delivery. As others here have said, neither of us would have been here without the section.

I did have a VBAC with dd2, and it was fab. But I knew that the medical condition I'd had with dd1 had not recurred, so there was no reason not to try for a natural delivery (and lots of practical reasons to try for one - e.g. dd1 was under 2 and I didn't want to be away from her and in hospital for a week). My two births were different, but one was not less fulfilling or less happy than the other.

I do think, though, that the key in my acceptance of my first section was the time that I had to come to terms with the idea. I feel that an emergency section may be quite different.

Please try not to feel unhappy with your births, though. After all, if you have to get from London to Manchester, it doesn't really matter if you go by train or bus, as long as you get there in the end. (IYSWIM )