am I crazy for wanting dd(6) at the birth?

[glendathegoodwitch]

hi everyone
i work as a maternity care assistant on a MLBU and am 35+4, I have ds(13) and dd(6), we have no family in the area and although I have enlisted a few friends and our regular sitter should baby arrive whilst dd at school or in bed etc... if its at the weekend I would love dd to be with me.

I start my midwifery training in March and have read loads of midwifery related books from call the midwife, baby catcher, spiritual midwifery etc.... and many of them are from experiences of community midwives from the 70's, 80's and 90's with home births and family around supporting women with children watching in awe as their siblings are born.....

we are a very open family, our dc know where babies come from, are given honest answers to questions etc... and i honestly think dd is mature enough to understand childbirth and what is happening etc....

I will be having the baby hopefully on my ward with familiar midwives, in the pool, I have quick easy labours and obviously if anything were to go wrong then dh would be able to take dd home or to the canteen etc... as I know i will be supported by work colleagues who will give me the best possible care.

most of the people i have spoken to think i am crazy and submitting dd to such a situation is awful???

childbirth is the most natural thing in the world - am i crazy if I'm happy and dd is happy then as a family we can share such a hopefully beautiful time??

incidently - ds(13) is not fussed in the slightest and although will come and see how i am he's not interested in seeing the birth lol

is there anything I havent thought of that could change my mind? or any experiences/thoughts would be appreciated

I think it's lovely that you want her there. It could be a really spiritual and bonding time for you - and no one will stroke your hair like she can...

DC1&2 were at the (home) birth of DC3- they woke up for the last 25 minutes and wandered in to watch. They were almost 2 and 3. I had prepared DC1 but not 2. It was lovely to have them there, and it was a gentle water birth.

DC1 was 5 when DC4 was born, and desperately wanted to be there, so he was woken up when it was imminent. DC2 was already there and DC3 woke up too. Lovely, I thought, until they started wanting to eat my snacks and change the telly over and asked me to 'keep the noise down'. One of the little sods darlings even asked how long was I going to be and another complained it was boring. By then I'd lost my mojo and it started to hurt and they were removed.

Www.mybirth.tv has some great HB some with siblings present. I wouldn't say no or yes but be flexible.

IF it was at home I would say yes if you BOTH wanted it - but in a ward it's a no for me. Do you really want your dh wandering off with your daughter is she is bored/tired or (God forbid) something drastic happens?

I would have hated to have my older children wanting any tiny piece of my attention during labour. I had a home birth for DC 2 and DD1 (18 months) popped in just after the birth to see us snuggling together in the pool and had to be stopped from jumping into the somewhat gory water.

i see every type of woman on the ward from the terrified screaming almost feral teenager who is absolutely petrified of what is happening to her body to the african woman who births with nothing more than swaying her body and humming under her breath and everything in between.

I don't like your implication that the level of pain a woman feels is down to her attitude or culteral background and somehow her fault if she cries in pain.

My first labour (when I was a 'feral teenager', nice ) was calm and relatively easy. My second labour I was older, much more prepared, much less scared going into it, planned a homebirth, but DD was back to back and I went from 4cm to 7cm in 20 minutes, as a result I was screaming and out of on control in pain and terrified. That was out of my hands and telling myself 'it's good pain' was not going to overcome that. Women don't control how much it hurts and we just cope the best we can.

I wouldn't make any assumptions about this birth based on your previous ones. They can be very different.

I agree it's best not to make assumptions. My first birth was long, but calm. My second was short, but involved being rushed into theatre and prepped for a crash section (that thankfully didn't happen) due to decelerations in baby's heart rate. I would NOT have wanted my 8 year old to see that. It was traumatic enough for my DH and me

I would NEVER take a child into a labour ward. They will hear other women in labour and it will be distressing.

Having said that I know MANY women who have given birth at home, with their DCs in the house.

Both my babies were born in hospital, early on I couldn't believe the screams I was hearing - I genuinely thought they were exaggerating! Then it was me that started screaming... I still remember the poor desperate woman next to me (when still under observation while the pessary started working). She was scared, she was crying, she was in evident pain. She probably wouldn't have liked to know a little girl is hearing her painful cries. I certainly wouldn't want a child to hear me cry out in pain, I was already feeling guilty that I was possibly terrifying other mums!

Yes to a homebirth with siblings present. No to children in the labour ward, it's a place for mums and babies and health professionals. They deserve their birth to be how they like it too.

I think a home birth where she can come in and be with you if she wants and if you feel you want her to, but where someone is designated in charge of her so she can be taken out if things start to get difficult or if she's starts to get annoying, sounds lovely.

I think that it could be really beneficial for your daughter to be at the birth of her new sibling. It is something she may experience herself in the future and what better way to learn about how babies come into the world. It is an awful shame to bring people up thinking that labour and birth is a scary medical procedure when it is in fact one of the most natural things a woman's body can do. It would probably make her feel very special if she was able to be there for you and hold your hand. I do understand the concerns of others who have experienced traumatic births because things don't always go to plan but I think you could always see how things go and have someone nearby, on call, to collect your DD if needed. Either that or plan in advance for your daughter to be there for the labour and have the friend/ family member take her to the waiting room when it's time to push. Also I think it would be a good idea for you to sit down a few days/a week after the birth and talk her through it and ask her thoughts and if she has any questions. It could be a wonderful way to open free discussion with your daughter in all matters.
I may have rose-tinted glasses too as my 1st labour went very smoothly (pool, home birth). I too would like my DD to be present at the birth of her future sibling, as long as she did not seem distressed at all. We would also have someone on call to collect her if needed.

NoTwinkies, labour and birth don't have to be medical to be scary! I had a really shouty second one, it was brilliant actually and feel so happy to know what epidural free labour is like, but I still wouldn't want a little girl to witness it! You may be very happy but in great pain, or you may be very upset and worried and pain free - but this isn't about a mum and daughter in their home, it's about being in a labour ward where other women labour, each experiencing things differently... I would be surprised if a child was allowed to be present really, I think the only minors aloud are parents (say a 15 year old dad to be), not siblings.

So many assumptions on this thread... !!

I especially hate the way people seem to think because they''ve had one baby the next one will be easy !!

With my ds 4months old now I had an elective c section. I chose this because with dd I had a long labour and I was scared of going through it again even though nothing was actually "wrong" as such.

I was booked as the last section of the day as I was low risk .. easy pregnancy, no symptoms anything was wrong.. should have been very straight forward.

What happened ? .. they opened me up and discovered I had completely undiagnosed placenta previa !!! I'd had no bleeding , scans had been fine , I'd been doing the bloody housework the day before !!! ... I nearly died ! I lost 3 litres of blood and I can't tell you how scary it was.

The consultants were terrified too.. I could tell by the way their faces changed. Afterwards they told me if I hadn't chosena section it would have been an emergency section as my son would not have been able to get out and possibly could have died or I could have if there was a delay getting into theatre if they were already operating.

Very scary.

I really think everyone should be aware of stories like this. I had no symptoms whatsoever. Nothing. I could have even had a home birth if I went with midwives suggestions. Doesn't bear thinking about.

Just another angle, how will you cope with questions or worrying about whether your DD is ok? You of all people know how much strength and energy goes into giving birth, can you afford to spend so much of it on your DD at that point? I have a 7 year old girl, there was no way she would be able to sit through me labouring with her sister without asking constant questions and getting upset at seeing me in pain and there was no way I would be able to cope with it.
It's a lovely idea tbh, just not entirely practical.

I saw the end of a birth when I was about 7 or 8 - I was being looked after by someone who got called to the birth and living in hospital accommodation, not in this country. I remember feeling very respectful and awed and I got to hold the baby! I don't think a child would necessarily find it scary if the people around aren't scared. If you've had two straightforward "easy" labours before your chances are good things will go well again. I like freddie's point about showing your child how birth isn't necessarily a terrible thing.

You know your dd best!

When i had baby no 5 my ds1 was at the birth, at his request, he was 11. I had dd in hospital, was induced as i was with amm my others as i go more than 2 wks overdue. Ds1 stayed at home till things were getting going and then dp collected him, we are ten mins ftom the hospital. The plan was if he or i didnt like him being there he could go to the canteen or get a taxi home if he wanted.

As it was he was fine, one moment where he felt upset and he put his jumper over his head to calm himself for a min and was fine. He cut the cord and was the first person to hold dd. Very very precious memories :)

The midwives commented how impressed they were with him and how calm etc he was.

I actually ended up with syntocin drip.so not totally straight forward, but i used gas and air and remained mobile on birth ball etc. Yes i moaned and swore! But i had talked to him beforehand about this. He had seenots of births onli e etc and had visited hospital/delivery floor beforehand.

Midwives were happy for him.to ve there providing we had a plan for if things didnt go smoothly etc.

Honestly it was great and him being there made me calmer, rather than focusing on the pain i was asking ds1 if he was ok :)

Ds1 is now 13 and dd is 22mths and he def has a special bond with her and its given him a great understanding of the reality of what sex produces!

If i ever had another baby i would happily let my children be at the birth if yhey wanted it.

I recomend having a friend on call as you may not want your dh to leave you, so someone who could be nearby just incase your dd needs to leave is a good idea. They did say in an emergency ds1 could simply sit in the delivery floor waiting room if need be.

Anyway it worked for us and was worthwhile, ds1 has also said he is amazed i have done it 5 times and he has utmost respect for mums and what tgey go through :)