am I crazy for wanting dd(6) at the birth?

[glendathegoodwitch]

hi everyone
i work as a maternity care assistant on a MLBU and am 35+4, I have ds(13) and dd(6), we have no family in the area and although I have enlisted a few friends and our regular sitter should baby arrive whilst dd at school or in bed etc... if its at the weekend I would love dd to be with me.

I start my midwifery training in March and have read loads of midwifery related books from call the midwife, baby catcher, spiritual midwifery etc.... and many of them are from experiences of community midwives from the 70's, 80's and 90's with home births and family around supporting women with children watching in awe as their siblings are born.....

we are a very open family, our dc know where babies come from, are given honest answers to questions etc... and i honestly think dd is mature enough to understand childbirth and what is happening etc....

I will be having the baby hopefully on my ward with familiar midwives, in the pool, I have quick easy labours and obviously if anything were to go wrong then dh would be able to take dd home or to the canteen etc... as I know i will be supported by work colleagues who will give me the best possible care.

most of the people i have spoken to think i am crazy and submitting dd to such a situation is awful???

childbirth is the most natural thing in the world - am i crazy if I'm happy and dd is happy then as a family we can share such a hopefully beautiful time??

incidently - ds(13) is not fussed in the slightest and although will come and see how i am he's not interested in seeing the birth lol

is there anything I havent thought of that could change my mind? or any experiences/thoughts would be appreciated

I'm happy for DD (7) to be around when our new baby arrives, but I'm planning a home birth so there will be plenty of freedom for her to come in or leave the room to go watch a film or play in another room. There will be people around to look after her or comfort her if needed as well. I don't think that I'd take her to a hospital or birth centre setting though.

I know it's a mail link but worth reading. www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2165717/Why-woman-choose-birth-children.html

thanks for the link Freddie

I'm not sure.

Just as there's every chance it could be amazing - there's every chance she could struggle with Post Traumatic Stress. Because you can't predict what will happen with baby and birth.

I've had 3. First two fine, shot out. Last baby the heartbeat went - luckily everything fine in the end, just. But the trauma stays with me years later.

I don't think I would roll any dice where one side had 'PTSD" as a possible outcome.

I'd like to add - having a home birth and the other kids wandering around the house is good though - no preassure and an adult around to coral them if need be.

Agree with fairylea - this is all about you. Not what's best or beneficial for her.

Oh and I have to say I am at the 'African lady humming and swaying her body'. Bit of a stereotype don't you think...?

Why do you want her there? Is it for you, or is it for her? I think it is a very selfish thing to do, to be honest, sorry but I do. It's very different hearing others wailing and screaming than hearing her mummy wailing and screaming (which you may well do... who can tell...)

There are certain things in my childhood that are imprinted on my brain, they will never leave me. This might be the case of your DD in years to come if you encourage this. What's the point of it? You may well be capable of listening to your body but why should you make your DD be part of that? You've already said your first birth was the scariest situation you've ever experienced. Why on earth would you even begin to think of subjecting your DD to that. Let her grow up on her own time and experience things at the right time.

Of course, she may say she wants to be there with you and hold your hand. She's little and she loves her Mummy. She doesn't know what childbirth is like. And nor should she... yet.

My siblings waited outside the bedroom door while my mum had a homebirth with me. They came in as soon as I was born. They were 5 and 7 and found the whole thing very exciting.

Whatever you decide, flexibility would be crucial I'd say. I taught a little boy once years ago whose mum decided it would be 'good' for him to witness childbirth, so he was present for a straightforward, no complications HB of his nephew. He had seen photos/small amount of film footage of birth beforehand.

It traumatised him utterly, he was completely out of it for weeks, not sleeping, etc. Suggest giving her control, so that if she needs to leave she can immediately (without you having to supervise/suggest, that'll be someone else's job.) Also, if she does leave the room, let her see you as soon as you're able to give her attention again, just so she can see a positive outcome.

If it were me, I wouldn't, not because it's taboo but because I don't think it's something 'everyone ought to witness'. From the outside, it can look scary as hell (As an adult I was a birthing partner for my best friend before I had my own children and it was a long time before I felt I could do it myself.) But I guess you know your own child best. Offer it to her only if she's convinced it's what she wants, without pressure either way.

My Ds was 8.4 when Dd was born. He wanted to be at Dd's birth and at first I thought 'ok' but I'm glad I decided against it really as I'm a bit loud in labour it seems!

But does a 6 year old really 'know what she wants'? She may be trying to please her Mum because she thinks that's what mummy wants. Leaving it to her is madness I think. She may well feel conflicted and thinks mummy wants her there so she ought to say she wants to be there too.

Also giving her control to leave the room if she were present... she may think she has to stay there to look after her mum because mum is hurting and crying. Things like this ARE as scary as hell (or can be) for someone so young.

If your dd is happy to be there, then personally i dont see a problem.

ok thank you for all your replies they've given me food for thought as to the reality of her being there - maybe i am looking through rose tinted glasses.

i will have a rethink!!

Sounds fine to me especially as you say all would need to be said is ok daddy time to go for a walk.

My dd was nearly 6 when dd2 was born and she would have coped fine actually.

Apart from the embarrasment I would have felt when she (almost certainly) would have told someone 'and then there was poo coming out of mummys bottom at the same time the baby came out!'

I can see why you might want her there, and why she'd want to be there but in all honesy I wouldn't if I was in your position

I have had six children, my first four births were 'normal' natural births my last two were terrifying emergency c-sections with both babies almost dieing. Having had previous easy births is no indicator of how future births will be

My mum was with me as well as my DH for my last birth, it was all going well, no problems and then suddenly the cord prolapsed something that is yes quite rare but can also happen to anyone for no reason. We lost his heartbeat, the midwife had to hold his head off the cord whilst I was ran down to the operating theatre and put under GA to get him out. Amazingly he was fine, a few minutes delay and that would not have been the case. If was incredibly traumatic for my mum even tough she put on a brave face. I can't even imagine how horrific it would have been to have had one of my older children there witnessing my sobbing screams for someone to please please save my baby

I hope and I'm sure you will have lovely uncomplicated birth and welcome your new baby into the world in a calm loving environment, but should anything even minor go not according to plan, it might be better to not have your dd there.

I think you are a bit bonkers. But, I am planning a hb with dc in the house. I think I may be bonkers too!

I do prefer to labour on my own with the MW just doing her thing and me mine. If dh touched me i would probably rip his arm off. Dh is under instruction to remove any children from the scene once things get established and I'm hoping they'll be in bed asleep for the labour. I am also prepared to transfer in on my own if need be.

So although mine will be around they won't be present at the birth as such and will be at home which is much less scary than the hospital.

There's a massive difference between seeing someone labouring on TV then seeing your mum in pain. From the little I know of labour wards they can be a bit frightening with some of the equipment and people screaming (I've been on one before for a couple of days and there was screaming that made me anxious). Plus it could just be really boring all the hanging about.

My 2nd and 3rd deliveries were easy straightforward deliveries with no pain relief.
We are a very open family, and kids often see us naked, in shower etc.

But I do not think that it is a good idea. I groaned and made strong aaarrrggg noises during labour and pushing. I was also very very focussed and would have found it hard to give her a smile and a thumbs up. I laboured naked and there was blood, water and pooh all over the floor and it was very natural and very normal and very like a blood bath from the perspective of a child. I think it would be pretty traumatic actually.

Just a thought that I don't think has been mentioned yet - what if she gets really bored? It might be quick but then it might not and most 6yos have a fairly short attention span ime. Will you be happy for dh to leave you to it and take her to the canteen?

Glenda, just an alternative thought, as most posters seem to think it is a bad idea.

I appreciate seeing a very bad birth of your own mother could be traumatising. However that is a very small likelihood. We need to think too of what it communicates to keep a child AWAY from something as well. Parental secrecy about something can also have a traumatic effect and communicate that the thing is worse than it actually is (children's imaginations being vivid, and their fears being very real).

Just a thought!

All the very best with whatever you decide to do :) and FWIW when I read your OP i think you sound well thought through and sensible and focussed on your daughter.

I have 2 DCs who will not be present (unless asleep) at my homebirth, unless I have on of those 'eeeep a head, whoosh' deliveries. But this is to do with their age (3.5 & 2.5) disposition and gender. In your shoes I can see me and DH making a different decision. 2 of my friends have had their elder children present at the delivery and the children speak magically and respectfully and joyfully about the whole thing.

I've never given birth or witnessed one, but I would be concerned that you think a 6 year old can fully understand and reason through what she's being asked - I think there's an issue about ability to consent.

6 year olds don't have the capacity to think through all the possible permutations of their decision-making, which is fine if it's a straightforward decision but more difficult with a situation like this where there are a lot of factors, and some of them distressing. Her saying 'Yes, I'd like to be there' is no guarantee that that comes from a fully reasoned place.

Ultimately, you hold the decision-making responsibility and it's great you're soliciting opinions, but I would just remind you that she's vulnerable (from a consent/cognition point of view) and is relying on you (and other adults) to make the right decision in this situation.

Good luck.

I think it's a big ask of your DH to leave you in the hands of colleagues if things don't go according to plan and he has to remove your DD because she's upset or there are complications!

He'll want to be with you, won't he? No matter how much you trust your colleagues it is natural for him to want to be present at the birth - your plans seem to mean that if your DD isn't present, your DH won't be either!

There is little to gain and so much to lose. I think you want her there and are looking to justify it.

Personally a no from me as I still shudder remembering when my mother went into a quick sudden labour at home. It put me off having kids. Thankfully I got pregnant with my first accidently so had to get over myself.

A home birth I would consider cos the child can go off and is in their comfortable surroundings. But maternity units no matter how hard they try are not homely.

I was 2 and a half when my brother was born and I was there for the whole labour and birth, I held him before my mum!
I have a lovely relationship with my mum and 30 years later me and my brother are really close.
I am sure you have the common sense to discreetly get some one to take your daughter out if you wanted to if things got too scary.