Anyone else out there not see their baby as soon as they were born?

[NellyBluth]

I'm probably being a glutton for punishment by watching programmes about childbirth, so feel free to slap me for doing so and making myself feel bad. But every time I see a baby being born I get a real, gut upset reaction to seeing mums holding their gunky, wrinkly newborns, and its actually getting worse as time goes by.

As background, DD was born 6mo by emcs. She was term + 8 but my waters were very infected and so as soon as she was born she was rushed off to NICU. I was 'shown' her in theatre - they dangled her about five feet away from me - but I didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't actually see her, and I was too out of it from tiredness, G&A etc to say so. Obviously as she was poorly I didn't get to hold her, and didn't see her until 12 hours later. The first sight of my baby was when someone pointed her out in an incubator and said 'that one is yours'.

Now I know this isn't a bad delivery by any stretch of the imagination (and I have no problems with having had a cs) and I also know I am incredibly lucky that DD got well very quickly, was discharged after 5 days and has no lasting health problems. But I can't help it, I feel really awful that I never got to have that first cuddle, that first skin-to-skin contact. It hasn't had any long-term effects but I know that in the first few days DP bonded better with DD than I did. I feel like I never had that overwhelming rush of emotions at seeing my first baby, rather that it took a few days for it to sink in.

Did anyone else have this? Does anyone else feel like this still? And how can I let this go?

I've been referred for counselling by the Gp nelly as things have come to a head lately- cant hide my feelings any longer. Just been told the wait is 5 month :(
My HV is trying to find alternatives for me, as she says I've rang the buzzer for help now, waiting that long is only gonna make it worse. I really feel more should be done at the time to help those of us in such a distressing situation when we're not able to have that important initial bonding experience that's such a major part of birth

@ipswichwitch - reading your story, I'm amazed that someone didn't offer this to before. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I found counselling enormously helpful, especially when my counsellor made me tell my story from the beginning, uninterrupted. It helped to process and work through what had actually happened, especially because when you're in the thick of things you don't have time to go over your feelings or acknowledge what you've been through. Good luck.

I've just found this thread, and had to join to post something, I know its a few weeks old now but just reading it was so helpful. So many of your experiences are familiar to me, being able to easily leave my baby, thinking that something must be wrong because of this (most mothers find this difficult so why don't I?!). It's good to know that other people are in the same boat. I'm currently pregnant with my second and I'm starting to get really worried about the birth. My DD is now 16m and was born by ventouse, got into distress and was born totally unresponsive. I saw her for about 20 seconds with the oxygen mask on before she was whisked away to Scbu. I didn't get to see her for 2-3 hours or hold her for 12 hours, then spent the next week watching other people take care of her. Trying to explain to people why the experience was so distressing is almost impossible - all people see is that you and the baby both ended up fine so what's the problem? I gave up trying to talk about it in the end. I really hope that my next birth is more straightforward, but if it isn't I really don't know what I will do. I'm going to try to keep an open mind! Thanks to you all for your stories.

Me too with both of mine, kind of. With DS after 6 bottles of gas and air i vaguely recall seeing huge angry hands as they hauled him out by emcs, then they showed me the underside of a blanket, he was too high up for me to see. Then I woke up in HDU about 5 hours later after having a major post partum haemorrhage, unable to breathe, or remember a thing, and surrounded by monitors, my husband sent home with a baby I didn't remember having lying in cot nearby.
DD was going to be a healing VBAC and my lovely consultant had agreed i could have a water labour no continous monitoring. Then she was paged to come in and deliver her by emcs, two weeks later, after I went into labour at 27 weeks. DD was delivered in silence apart from my husband crying at my shoulder, and she was so small i couldn't see her in the paediatrician's cupped hands as she sprinted out of the theatre into resus - i still remember the squeak of her rubber shoes. Her initial apgar was 1, as she was totally unable to breathe (and couldn't do so unaided for 6 weeks) and all she had left was a dwindling 40bpm hr. I couldn't see her for about 9 hours, was given a pic of a tiny purple thing attached to a ventilator, and didn't get to hold her for 11 days, we finally took her home after 9 gruelling weeks, but in the early days we couldn't even stroke her as it was too great a risk of cardiac arrest due to it being so overstimulating, so you do something called comfort holding where you just lay a hand on the baby. Anyway, if anything DD's birth was less traumatic for me than DS's, with him right up until we went into theatre the labour had been going so well, only the pushing stage went tits up - and it was such an immense shock because as a first timer i had no idea. With DD i was already battlehardened from one emcs, so had low anticipation anyway even if she had been a vbac but from the minute a lovely mw said to me, i'm so sorry sweetheart but she's coming tonight, i had time to deal with it and was given huge amounts of support during labour. I was also totally drug free til the section so my recollections are less jumbled. My husband spent most of my labour with DS who'd come with us to triage just for a quick check about my niggling pains but I was rarely alone, i had a room full of mws, paeds telling me what dd would look like and what would happen on the unit. With DS no even told me why i'd had a section. And the same again on the unit, the parents of v tiny premmies and other long stayers had a hell of a lot of support - we're still in touch with the mws a year on - but those looking most upset on the unit and traumatised were the ones with the full term babies who were generally short stayers. They didn't get the same level of support, but if anything their sense of shock was so much greater than ours, because up until their baby was taken away from them they had no idea. OP i hope your regrets soften. Mine have, although while i'm done having babies i suspect i'll never be entirely done with 'giving birth'. However i couldn't have another child, i could never do another week 27 of pregnancy.

Yes, this happened to me with DC2.

DC1 uncomplicated elcs at 39 weeks, DH cuddled him next to me while I was being sewn up then I cuddled him and breastfed him in recovery. I felt quite rough after the cs but all in it was a good birth experience.

DC2 another elcs, this time at 36 weeks due to complications - he didn't breathe, they tried to resuscitate him in theatre then rushed him off to NICU after dangling him in front of me for all of five seconds. DH went off to see him and bought back photos. Over the course of that day, DH, DC1 and my parents all saw him before I did. I went up to see him in NICU about 12 hours after he was born. He had no name for a day as I couldn't name someone I hadn't met.

Curiously, this didn't really bother me at the time or for a while afterwards. I had a phase when about 2/3 months afterwards when I felt angry and upset about the whole thing - the pregnancy complications and the day of the birth, and some things that happened afterwards. The crappest thing was that my friends and family talk about about it as if it was all rather funny and sort of wouldn't acknowledge that anything went wrong. It was like because it had all turned out alright in the end (DC2 healthy and happy now) I wasn't allowed to talk about it. Right now, I'm OK with it all but wouldn't be surprised if those feelings resurface.

Haven't read the whole thread, off to do so now as would be interested in others' experiences.

I too was very traumatised after the delivery of my second dc. Labour was progressing well despite the fact that she was back to back. When I got to the labour room everything went very fast and I could literally feel her propelling herself out. Because of her position or size or frankly, who knows, I then had a shoulder dystocia which was incredibly frightening and painful. I had no anaesthesia and I had stopped using entinox so I was painfully aware of every attempt that the midwife made to try and get her out.

Eventually she was delivered, totally flat with an Apgar of 1. She lay there navy blue and completely still. That was all I saw of her until I was presented with a Polaroid photo by one of the midwives. When I heard them say to me that it was ok and they had got her breathing it was the first I knew of having a daughter.

The paediatrician came to talk to us, but everything was in slow motion and I could not understand anything he said. It was totally surreal. I was wheeled away while dd was put in a cot and given IV antibiotics in SCBU. When I woke a few hours later I thought that I must still be pregnant as there was no baby. We were reunited properly the next morning when I was allowed to hold her, but she stayed in SCBU a few days longer.

When I returned to the ward where she was born to visit a friend six years later and heavily pregnant, I felt a stab of fear and everything came flooding back. I really wish I had sorted it all out in my head at he beginning. I watch OBEM etc in floods of tears but still I feel compelled to do so. It will fade and you will accept it, but because we all have idealised scenarios of our births we are bound to feel distraught when this does not happen.

Maybe by chance, but I'm not so sure, she is the most headstrong, brave and feisty little girl. I put this down to those first few days so maybe there are some positives.