Anyone else out there not see their baby as soon as they were born?

[NellyBluth]

I'm probably being a glutton for punishment by watching programmes about childbirth, so feel free to slap me for doing so and making myself feel bad. But every time I see a baby being born I get a real, gut upset reaction to seeing mums holding their gunky, wrinkly newborns, and its actually getting worse as time goes by.

As background, DD was born 6mo by emcs. She was term + 8 but my waters were very infected and so as soon as she was born she was rushed off to NICU. I was 'shown' her in theatre - they dangled her about five feet away from me - but I didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't actually see her, and I was too out of it from tiredness, G&A etc to say so. Obviously as she was poorly I didn't get to hold her, and didn't see her until 12 hours later. The first sight of my baby was when someone pointed her out in an incubator and said 'that one is yours'.

Now I know this isn't a bad delivery by any stretch of the imagination (and I have no problems with having had a cs) and I also know I am incredibly lucky that DD got well very quickly, was discharged after 5 days and has no lasting health problems. But I can't help it, I feel really awful that I never got to have that first cuddle, that first skin-to-skin contact. It hasn't had any long-term effects but I know that in the first few days DP bonded better with DD than I did. I feel like I never had that overwhelming rush of emotions at seeing my first baby, rather that it took a few days for it to sink in.

Did anyone else have this? Does anyone else feel like this still? And how can I let this go?

Yes, I think seeing the nurses bathe her, change her, adjust her canula (sp) probably did make me feel ill-equipped and ill-prepared to look after her.

You shouldn't feel disappointed in yourself for feeling like this. There is a limit to how open minded you can be and only so prepared you can be. Would it help to get hold of your notes from the hospital and make an appointment for someone to go through them with you? I think you can do this in some hospitals.

Also, keep talking about it - even if it is just on here. I really did feel that my early days were spoilt by how shell shocked I had been by the whole thing. It was over a year before I could look back and go through the events of DD's arrival and I knew I needed to work through it before I could even consider DC2. Happily DS arrived last year by ELCS (I couldn't deal with a VBAC after the manner of DDs arrival) and I got to have my skin to skin, met him straight after delivery and established bf with him. And whilst that, in some ways, made me regret missing out on all those things with DD, in many ways it also "healed" some of the hurt.

Keep talking. You're not on your own in feeling this way.

I've had tears in my eyes reading what other Mums have gone though and it beings back the memories of DD birth.

DD was induced at 36 weeks due to pre-ecampsia and ended up an EMCS due to infant distress and lack of oxygen. I had to have a GA and woke up hours later being tremendously sick not knowing whether I'd had a boy of girl. DH wasn't there as he'd been sent home and I had the MW's telling me to try and latch her on while i threw up.

I had terrible problems bonding with her and only really did so after a birth debrief about 6 months afterwards though I'd agree with others and say my memories of this period are really negative and that I left her at 6 weeks to go on a 3 hour shopping trip with my sister as I was desperate to get out. DD also stayed with Gp's early and is an independant little soul now - and totally adorable with it. Following her birth though I doubt that we'll have anymore children as it caused me and Dh such distress.

I understand entirely how you feel , OP. I had a normal pregnancy followed by a normal birth with a little help (kiwi ventouse). No big deal. My baby was put on my chest, then before I could get him he was whisked away. All hell broke loose and I had no idea why. Apparently my womb ruptured and I lost 2 litres of blood within minutes. No idea, I didn't see it. My son was born at 10.54pm, and after all the 'trauma' afterwards ( again, no idea) I didn't recover enough to see him till around 6 am. I remember my husband (now X - yay!) holding our son, and I said to him 'I don't even know what he looks like'. My NSDH brought over our son, but wouldn't let me hold him. Eventually at around 6am the NSDH went home, and the midwife gave my son to me to hold.

I will regret forever the fact that I never held my son on the day he was born If I had the power to change anything, that would be it.

And something to add... I didn't bond with my son until he was around 8 months. I had a bit of a breakdown when he was 3 months, and gave him to my friend to look after while I went to the assessment unit of the local psychiatric hospital. Seriously, I would have left him with anyone. Anyone. I just felt nothing towards him, and I'm so sad about that. I am very happy without him, he now goes away for 2 weeks at a time to his dad's, and I look forward to the peace and quiet. I have absolutely no separation issues. I love him to bits, and would die to protect him in a heartbeat, but I feel like something's missing. It's like I've lost something and can't get it back.

"If I had the power to change anything, that would be it" - YYY to this.

Liskey, I'm sorry to hear this has put you off having more children. Its situations like this where knowing you have a good chance for an elcs might help a lot of women.

Mardarse, I spotted you on another thread and saw you mention an elcs. Can I ask how easy you found it to get one? Did the fact that your DD was poorly after birth help you get one?

Today, x-posted there. You poor thing, I'm glad things are better for you now.

kitstwins, what a beautiful post. I love what you have written in your last paragraphs.

Cross-posted with a LOT of people, had not updated thread on phone, sorry.

Nelly The Consultant very much wanted me to try for VBAC and at first I tried to keep an open mind about it. The official reason for my EMCS was failure to progress and they didn't think there would be a problem next time round. As I got closer to due date I really started to think that an ELCS was the better option for me so I told them that and I didn't really have to justify my reasons to them, they were sympathetic and booked the ELCS after ensuring I understood the risks.

I did wonder if I would have regrets for never giving birth naturally but.in all honesty I.have never felt this. I felt in control and was relieved that DS arrived without the trauma and I could enjoy my newborn moments this time.

My first child Dd was born by emcs under GA and spent 2 weeks in NICU/SCBU (heart problems) before she was discharged home with me.

I had no interest in seeing her for the first 24 hours due to the trauma of her birth. I woke up in high dependency unit with my nightie still caked in blood and unable to move. Dh showed me a photo of her, she looked very cute but I asked him to go to her because I felt so unable to care for her.

But I never left the hospital (St Thomas, London) and got a room on the ward. So I went to visit her every day after that. Once she came home with me, I never left her for the next 11 months, because she was a very clingy bf-ed baby who could not be put down or take a bottle.

Apart from that slow start, I don't think I have had problems bonding with dd, even though a lot of times I did not think I was doing anything right - she was high needs and difficult to settle.

I never watched a single birth programme and don't have any interest to.

Today - I lost a lot of blood, ended up in in intensive care myself and woke up screaming for my baby. Took another 5 hours before I could have her. It was awful.

For ages I gave her away to anyone that would hold her and would have given her back if they'd told me too. I'm an attachment parent leaning mother who was hardly ever separated from my first so found it very very hard this time around,

Same scenario as you OP except that I had a GA as well. She was born at 2:15am, they wheeled me round to see in her cot in NICU at around 4 am (So grateful to them for doing that) but tbh I was still too much out for the count to see until late morning, or about 10 hours after she was born.

She is my 4th child and came after many tribulations and a lot a of time (including 6 years of 2ndry infertility) and I felt overwhelmingly grateful to all the staff that she was there at all as she nearly didn't make it. However, I have to be honest and say that although I loved her, I didn't feel the same hormonal rush of love for her that I had with the first three.

I totally understand what you mean OP. I'm 3 years on from DD3's birth and if I'm honest although I adore her I still don't feel the same visceral love for her that I did with the older three. I worry immensely about her- I wake up sometimes at night worrying about her for no reason at all. Not sure what the solution is tbh.

Beatrice, same about handing her to anyone who'd have her. I didn't really feel that was truly mine- you feel like they're hospital property at a time when in normal circumstances you would be bonding with them I guess. Plus you have to accept that others will be looking after them if they're in nicu. TBH though DD3 is no worse for it- if fact she is a lot more sociable and open than my older three with far fewer shyness issues.

You have all managed to put into words what I have been feeling the last 9 months, I just didn't know how to deal with it.
DS was born at 34 weeks by cs after a growth scan showed his twin brother had died. I got to hold him for a few mins after delivery before they whisked him to Scbu. Then they delivered his brother who I spent so much more time with on that first day. At that time he felt more like my son than his brother who had survived.
For days I couldn't hold him for more than a couple of mins and feel like I missed so much. I know I should be grateful that at least we have him but I struggle with these feelings

Ipswich, I'm so sorry for your loss. Did the hospital put you in touch with anyone who you talk things over with? Your experience is bound to have affected how you feel and think about things.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Ipswich. FWIW I don't think feeling that you should be grateful should affect how you actually felt at the time.

Duchesse, I do worry that if I have another DC and get to hold them after they are born I will feel more for them, or feel something stronger... Your comment about 'hospital property' rings very true, though. For me the fight to take her home (simply because the hospital were quite useless and it took us ages to find someone to discharge her even though she was ready to go) didn't help with that, it was as if they were reluctantly passing her over to us to care for.

I'm taking so much reassurance from reading here that so many other people felt the same way - feeling as though the baby isn't truly yours, being able to leave them more easily. I have worried for a long time that my feelings about DD's birth are irrational, and as others have said, perspective is showing me how detached my behaviour towards her in those first few days was, but it is so reassuring to hear that other people reacted the same way. That I am not being irrational.

Thank you so much to everyone who is sharing here.

And thanks, mardarse. With hindsight yes, I think there was a lot of trauma involved in DD's birth and hopefully they will understand that and allow me to have a (hopefully trauma-less) elcs next time.

When I was born, I was handed straight to my dad whilst my mum was 'sorted out' as she puts it. She is still quite bitter about this now and brings it up from time to time commenting on how I'm a 'daddy's girl'. I don't know what to say to her. Can you speak to a counsellor who could help you explore your feelings and then put them to one side? I don't want you to still feel like my mum does thirty years later. Good luck and a big hug x

If I could have one wish it would be that this body of evidence (along with the massive amount of scientific research with the same outcome would actually influence hospital policy to truly minimise unnecessary intervention. So many of us suffer immeasurably. I personally only realised how much when the waterbirths of my second and third babies ended with me lifting them up to my chest and not being parted for over an hour even for weighing.

I feel massive guilt that this affected my relationship with dc1 - and that I could have prevented it if I'd known then what I do now.

Until as a society we demand change and no longer put up with the institutionalised defensive practice in obstetrics it seems we are stick with much of this daily damage to women ANC babies

Bear, I'm sorry that you had that experience with your DC and you do make some good points. But looking through the thread it seems that most of us have this issue because either us or our babies were poorly and so the separation was necessary. For me, I think what is needed is more attention paid to the mum (and probably dad) in this situation to encourage bonding and to help them to deal with their emotions about being parted immediately.

kitstwins I thought your post was beautifully eloquent

As time passes it does become a mere heartbeat in terms of experiences and the sharpness of the disappointment and grief do fade.

Yes - my DD has just celebrated her 2nd birthday, and the low-level anxiety I had before her first birthday was not there this year. Last year I was anxious about the prospect of being asked to retell her birth story over and over (my younger sister always like to ask my mum about the day she was born on her birthday, you see), and I also measured things by "this time last year I was in labour, this time last year I was still in hospital, this time last year she still couldn't feed" etc. I even watched a programme about birth the other day, whereas before I would try and avoid those because I find it too emotional.

Interesting thoughts about the being-ok-with-going-out thing. I was the first of my friends to have a night out, get GPs to babysit, and to leave DD with the GPs overnight (albeit only twice so far). A friend with a DC the same age was saying only recently that she was anxious about the prospect of a night out because the GPs would be putting baby to bed, and they had only ever babysat once baby was already asleep in bed. Whereas I like it when they do that! It means a longer night out with dinner for us that isn't rushed, and more wine

I also seemed to be the only mummy that was looking forward to going back to work, or at least felt ready. Other mums were very anxious about the prospect of leavivn baby with anyone else, whereas I was more or less fine with it.

I wish I knew how you let it go. My DD was born by crash section so I was not conscious and she was taken to NICU. The first I saw of her was a photograph the hospital had printed for me (nice that they did this, actually) and I did not physically see her for 36 hours after her birth, it took me such a long time to come round from the general anaesthetic. I have always felt guilty about this, that it took me so long to get out of recovery and into a wheelchair. And the same as others on this thread, when I saw her I didn't feel a rush of emotion, I wanted to, I felt I should more so because she was in NICU, but I didn't. I wonder if you sort of protect yourself at the time from the overwhelming situation by being a bit numb. I was lucky in that she was only in NICU for 3 days and then came to the ward with me, but I also feel huge regret that we were not together those first hours and days of her life outside the womb. She was in a plastic cot instead with lots of tubes and wires and noise and people extracting her stomach contents.

The other thing that bothers me is that DD was a VBAC that went wrong, I could have opted for an ELCS and none of it would have happened. The hospital even told me when I was in early stage labour I could change my mind at any time and request a CS but I thought I was doing the right thing.

I feel the same seeing OBEM and 'natural birth' scenes. I had desperately wanted this with DD because DS (my first DC) was also born by EMCS (but I was conscious and he was healthy, so I held him straight away and in recovery).

DD is 2.4 now (and is fine) and she was a very difficult baby, she was very colicky, clingy, ebf, wouldn't take a bottle and very attached to me. I feel terribly like I let her down those first few days of her tiny life when a baby should be with its mother, I wasn't there to touch her, hold her, feed her, respond to her, when that is what a baby's instinct requires, her mother's proximity and care (well, clearly she needed more care or she wouldn't have been in the NICU). And I don't think that regret will ever change. Stupidly I wonder if she will be distant from me because I wasn't there for her, in some subconscious way. And I know in many ways although I found her baby days hard work I make more allowances for her and I think I try to make up for it (have only just stopped sitting with her while she goes to sleep).

I have sort of realised that you don't have to 'get over it' but it becomes smaller, as someone described above. Also, I was born in the late 70s (natural delivery) and I wasn't with my mother in those early days - the babies were in nurseries. I think I'm OK!

Nelly - I do appreciate that - and sometimes it is unavoidable and absolutely parents need better support in those cases.

Unfortunately both personally and professionally I see cases on a daily basis where the poorly mum or baby situation and therefore the separation could have been avoided through better evidence based care.

In those cases it is equally sad but also very

I wish everyone the very best in coming to terms with their own situation x

I have just sen this thread and it really struck a chord. DS is now 18 months old and my experience is all but forgotten but I had the same thing, just shown him in theatre and then he was rushed to neo natal. I was able to hold him the next day but didn't breastfeed for ages (I pumped) and he was in hospital for 10 days. I am fully bonded with him and although it was awful the feelings of resentment do pass in time.

my baby had to have some stuff done to him when he was born and was taken to scbu. I was very sad that that i didnt get to see him ad hold him as soon as he was born because thats supposed to be the good bit after the labour. When i first met him i did feel a bit like "how do i know really though...". Now he looks just like his dad at 8 months old so no question there. Hes a hard work type of baby (are there any other type) but i do feel strong love toward him. I think it helped that i breastfed him (still do at nights). Its sad when births dont go to plan and often they dont. Thats why birth plans are a bit of a waste of time if you ask me.