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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Anyone else an only child?

33 replies

Billy11 · 24/06/2012 01:13

hi
I have been obsessed with having a big family as i am an only child...never really felt very lonely as a kid but now that i have a daughter with nr two on the way i wish i had brothers and sisters who could love my kids and they would have cousins to play and grow up with .....
i get really sad at the thought that when my parents are gone my kids are left with no family ....i am hoping to have two more after this one but still get a bit sad around xmas and events like that when people mainly stick to their families.... anyone else feel like this...
also i am trying to find good reads to bring up kids who are close to eahother care for eachother and hopefully we will be a tight knit family ...i understand treating your kids equally does wonders for that///
i was wondering if anyone else feels this guilt and loneliness?

OP posts:
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Rhianna1980 · 24/06/2012 04:04

My friend's best friend is like you , an only child. She has 6 kids and she loves it. She is quite lucky as her husband runs his own extremely successful business so they can afford having babies.

My other friend's grandpa was an only child too , both his parents died when he was young in an accident . He ended up having 8 kids.

I think it's only natural to feel that way . Its lovely you live kids Xxxx

Enfyshedd · 24/06/2012 04:13

I'm an only child and just became a mum for the first time. I always wanted 2-3 children, but due to a very scary experience with the birth, I don't think I could do it again. However, I have 2 wonderful DSSs, so my family's complete now.

ButtonBoo · 24/06/2012 07:26

I'm an only and have just had dd1 (8mo). We'll probably gave 1 or 2 more but tbh I wouldn't mind if she was an only too. I had a massive circle of friends growing up, and still do. My friends are like family and often Xmas's involve a combo of both.

golemmings · 24/06/2012 08:57

I'm an only child. My mum was too and dad had no contact with his family (mother, db, sol and dns). Most of the time it was fine but I hated christmas and being the only person in my generation.

I'm feeling it again now after mum died and i feel responsible for dad who isn't coping well and lives some distance away.

Having said that my mum's definition of family was always "folk under your roof" so included a number of my friends, family friends etc. As a teenager I really struggled with the notion that I was less important to my friends (because I was friend not family) than they were to me because I regarded them as family. Similarly at Christmas I would much prefer to celebrate with the people I'm closest to and not the ones I'm related to but DH thinks that's weird and our friends are all tied up with their own families.

We have 2 children, a little younger than their cousins but dd(nearly 3) adores her cousin (5) and when they're bigger I hope the boys will get on just as well. Is like more but started late, we can't afford it and DS'a delivery was more traumatic than dd's so if that's a trend, I'm stopping at 2!

effingwotsits · 24/06/2012 09:01

I am an only child and hAve 5 dc's.i often wonder if the two ate related.

I think it would be nice for them to have aunts and cousins, but they're not missing this as its something they've never had iyswim.

duchesse · 24/06/2012 09:14

I have an only child friend who has 7 children. She also always wanted a big family. Oldest are now in their early 30s, youngest is 12 and she's sitting watching the grandchildren pouring in. I think her mother was a bit upset by her decision at times (I think she saw as a criticism).

happywheezer · 24/06/2012 09:21

I'm an only child. I have 2 children.
I miss having a brother or sister to talk to, especially this week when my husband is away, it feels like i'm an single parent.

But, it erks a bit when people say they want more than one. I grew up as one, it's ok as one.
I would have happily only had one, but i'm happy i have two!

recall · 24/06/2012 09:21

I am an only child, and was very lonely growing up. I used to see families arrive on the beach with loads of kids and wish I belonged to a large family. I used to want to get in their car and go back to their caravan.

I now have 3 children, I had them as close together as I could to try and create that gang. I love it, its working, they are aged 5,3 and 2, and play together loads.

I have never thought about them having aunts and cousins, although I long for a sister. I have a sister in law, but she is a twat sadly.

QTPie · 24/06/2012 09:35

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

mosschops30 · 24/06/2012 09:41

Im an only child and hated it. Holidays on my own, or bringing friends, not having someone to play or even argue with as a child. As an adult i think being an only child is much harder, when a parent is ill etc it all falls to you and you become a carer of sorts to the lone parent.

I have 3 dcs and even though they fight and dd and ds1 despise each other i hope that when they grow up they can support each other

Obergene · 24/06/2012 09:44

I am an only and my father died when I was a baby so I grew up with just my mother and no extended family in the area. My Mum was great at filling our house with friends but nevertheless I really missed having a constant companion in a sibling. When I was 23 my mother got cancer and I nursed her with support from her friends but no family to give me that feeling of real back-up. Then she died and I had no family and I keenly felt the hole that only a sibling could have filled in terms of remembering Mum and remembering our childhood and family culture.

I always thought I would have a huge family: the bustling, noisy, chaotic but close brood I dreamt of being part of as a child. We now have two DDs and I love watching them play and bond but I am not sure I am actually cut out to have more. As an only I am not used to noise and chaos and its harder to get used to that I had envisaged! I often think of having number three and it simultaneously attracts me and terrifies me.

Billy11 · 24/06/2012 11:35

wow iwasnt expecting somany responses and somany only children...thanks so much for sharing
i am 36 and this baby is a c section it usually takes us a year to conceive and i feel i need domestic help during pregnancy etc but still really hoping for three or four kids..
i think the thing that is driving my decision is also the fact that my husband is an international manager...every 18 months to two years we move countries...so my kids will never have long term friends around them ...it should help them be closer to eachother...my dd will be three when my son arrives...3 years is a bit of a difference and also she is a girl and i always craved a sister...dont know ifhaving a brother will be the same as they may not even have the same interests in toys etc...
anyway ....as long as nature allows i will go for at least three...
with a rotated pelvis and and spd after first birth my mum is warning me you can only raise a big family if you stay healthy yourself so lets see

thanks for sharing....made me feel a bit less lonley ...hope the old age doenst get in the way of my dream of a big family ...or a bad birth experience like some of you shared...

OP posts:
Billy11 · 24/06/2012 11:36

btw my sis in law is a twat as well ....thats the younger one and the older one didnt even come to our wedding cuz she fell out with hub years ago ...so really need my army of kids...prayyyy for me ladies...

OP posts:
HmmThinkingAboutIt · 24/06/2012 11:58

You make a few big assumptions. Especially that if you have a sibling you will still have a fairly close relationship with them in adulthood.

My family have always been very spread out across the country and the world. I never really had grandparents in the same way other kids do. I do think thats contributed to why I live so close to my parents, but I accept thats a luxury for now and may well change.

As for my own sibling. Well suffice to say we have no relationship as adults and it is highly unlikely to change. As sad as it is.

No matter what you do to try and bring up your family as close, you can't predict the future and events that may rip you family apart or whether your kids will react to being a close family by 'spreading out to find freedom' or to take an amazing opportunity. I honestly don't think, how you parent always makes a difference as it ultimately down to what your children value and the decisions they make.

Your own experiences affect how you feel about family, but you can't expect your family to know, appreciate or agree with your values and preferences in the long run even with the best will in the world.

Having more children, is never going to be the guarantee of stopping them feel the loneliness you might have felt. And actually your expectations and demands to have a close family, could ironically end up having the opposite effect, if you aren't careful about it.

The rosy picture postcard idea of family is a little dangerous. Better to enjoy what you have and just go with the flow rather than trying too hard to overthink it.

Frontpaw · 24/06/2012 12:06

I have loads of siblings, but with one thing and another, DSs closest cousins are ten years older, or 7 years younger. Mum was an only, as is DS. I often ask onlies how it was growing up and if they miss siblings, but noone has ever said 'I was lonely - wish I had more family'.

Billy11 · 25/06/2012 23:47

Well if i manage to have my army of kids then at leat i will have the big family i wanted! Can only hope for all of them to be there for eachother when it counts...
but at 36...i got some work to do to have two more after this august arrival

OP posts:
strawberryswing · 27/06/2012 10:57

i feel exactly the same way as you. Im an only child and growing up found it incredibly lonely, i have always longed for a brother or sister, and it is quite sad to know i will never have a nephew or niece etc.
Im just about to have my first, and me being an only child has certainly influenced my view that i would like a large family.

you're not wrong to feel that way, and you're certainly not on your own!

Billy11 · 27/06/2012 23:37

Aw thanks strawberryswing...
I think i drove my husband a bit mad as i only had the first one at 33 then went to have miscarriage ...i constantly feel like i am running out of time for a large family ..it takes us a whole year to conceive as well
this time ive found out i have a rotated pelvis and all sorts of joint issues but im on top of it with physio...and determined if God allows ...to at least go for nr three as soon as i heal from my c section ....
im 36 now...

OP posts:
RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 28/06/2012 02:32

All I'd say is please don't become one of those mums that enforces a three line whip around every family occasion (Christmas, birthdays etc) and puts pressure on everyone to fulfill your ideal of what a family is.

All your children will have different relationships with one another and with you, and you have to let those relationships ebb and flow. If you try to enforce closeness, you end up problems.

CharlotteWasBoth · 28/06/2012 23:13

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mayhew · 30/06/2012 13:14

Having siblings does not mean lifelong support and friendship. I have a brother, many times I wished i was an only child??He has a son but has made no effort to keep the cousins in touch, nor does he ever send my daughter a present or birthday card.

If my parents needed support it was only me that they would turn to. He was still needing them to support him as if he was a teenager. I worry that he might expect me to fill that role later.

My daughter is an only, though not by choice. She has never wanted siblings and as a little one was worried I might have another baby!

CockOff · 30/06/2012 13:17

I'm one of 4 siblings and now have an only child.

Make of that what you will Grin

Cantthinkofagoodname · 05/07/2012 19:15

I'm an only child and my parents are both dead, as are my grandparents. My dad was an only child and my mum had a brother who sees me about once a year. Effectively I have no birth family left alive and I do feel so sorry for my DC. I also feel the indescribable gap in my life that they left and I very much regret not having any siblings. To make things even more complex DD is only genetically related to me (donor conceived) so I'm her only genetic family in the entire world.
DC2 is due in 6 weeks and I spent three days this week in a real depression about how nobody in my family will ever meet him. I have pulled myself together now, but it can be difficult sometimes.
I want three DCs but OH wants us to stop at two and its kinda difficult to have an "accident" when you need fertility treatment in order to conceive! I'm glad that DD is getting a sibling though- hopefully she will never end up in my position.

GnocchiNineDoors · 05/07/2012 19:20

I do think 'an only' can sometimes see the idea of siblings through rose tinted spectacles.

Cheekychops84 · 05/07/2012 20:08

I am an only child an pregnant with dd3. I had fun growing up
But uses to resent the fact I had to make friends everytime we went out/holiday etc when other kids with siblings automatically had a playmate in the park or on the beach etc! And I was always complaining I was bored ! My 2 never say that and altho they fight they also are lost when either one is absent . When I watch them play I wish I had had that :(

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