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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Don't think my DH will be a supportive enough birth partner.

33 replies

belindarose · 16/06/2012 22:43

I've asked him if he really wants to be there and said that my friend will come if not, but he's just really surprised and says 'of course I want to'.

He was with me for DD's birth. That time I actively wanted an epidural and his main task was just to make sure I got one. I didn't want massage, didn't wxpect hom to do much. It was good to have him around while
I was stitched etc - DD needed resuscitation.

This time I'm hoping for a more active birth and to avoid epidural if I'm coping without. I'm saddened by the stories in the childbirth books I'm reading as they talk so much of fathers supporting and being involved on all kinds of ways and how that teamwork really helps. He isn't like that. Hasn't talked about the birth at all, doesn't even ask how I feel.

I'm 38 weeks. Very tired, in some pain and have a nearly 3 year old of the quite wild type. Diagnosed with AND about 6 weeks ago and medication has helped, but I guess the underlying problems are still there. It manifested itself mostly with strong feelings of not wanting the baby at all.

Don't really know what I'm asking. I'm desperately hoping that being at the birth will help him be more interested in the baby. But as a birth partner for me, I don't think I'll get through without support.

OP posts:

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AgnesBligg · 16/06/2012 22:55

I'm so sorry you had such a difficult birth with dd. For what it's worth my first birth was quite awful (with epidural) and dp was awful, couldn't cope, kept disappearing for fags wtf till he was banned by the MW. He was shit after too blah blah.

Still in second labour (birthing pool) I was in terrible pain and he was wonderful.

That said, if you don't want him there who would you prefer? Your mum, sister, lovely friend? choose them as your main supporter, brief them as to what you will need from them (now you've gone through it you will have more ideas), and have dh around to see it all, opportunity to bond etc - which is all up to him anyway isn't it. Is that possible? People on here have used doulas, another thing to consider.

I was posed to just rely on the MWs frankly second time around! Hope it all goes really well for you .

brettgirl2 · 17/06/2012 08:07

Have you discussed with him what you want him to do? Maybe you could find out about accupressure points and he could apply pressure to those? I think blokes often feel pretty helpless tbh. My second was a homebirth so attending to the pool, making cups of tea gave him a bit more purpose.

sparklekitty · 17/06/2012 09:06

Can you have 2 people there? That way you get the support you need from your friend and you DH still gets to be there. Sounds like you're having a rough time hun x

Badgerina · 17/06/2012 09:09

My DH was like this at first when I first got pregnant. This will be my second baby, but his first, and it seemed like he was very overwhelmed at the thought of birth. We've booked a doula, and I've given DH Ina May's Guide to Childbirth to read.

The combination of the doula and that book, has given him immense confidence. He now knows that the pressure is not all on him to support me, and is more familiar with "what people do" to support a labouring woman (ie not much except be there, offer reassurance and protection).

Original poster

belindarose · 17/06/2012 09:36

Thanks everyone. I think he'd be uncomfortable with my friend there. He's a doctor. Knows what's going on. Wouldn't read anything I don't think.

OP posts:

brettgirl2 · 17/06/2012 10:11

Ah, that explains a lot. Whether he feels he knows it all or not he still must listen to you and what you need. If not get someone else such as a friend in and leave him outside. He must understand that he is your partner here not a HCP so it is you in control not him. My friends DH is a dr and he definitely has more influence over her choices than a normal husband does.

Original poster

belindarose · 17/06/2012 11:23

Yes, he was a big influence over the epidural last time and I really didn't consider any alternatives throughout the pregnancy.

Discussions this morning are not going well. When I've said that I feel like he's not interested in how I'm feeling, or the baby, he has just said 'I am' and on saying I don't think he spoke to me yesterday at all, he just said 'well you were talking to your mum all day and then asleep'. My mum is here helping me out with household stuff I couldn't cope with.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 17/06/2012 11:29

If I were ever going to be going through labour again, I would hire a doula.

I would want DH there, but also someone who could support me in a more active way.

MerylStrop · 17/06/2012 11:36

I had a doula when I had VBA2C with DS2.

I needed DH there too, but she was there for extra moral support, genius massaging, timing contractions, and would have been at the hospital to decline stuff and stick up for my wishes (except DS was born before she could get in the room). All DH had to do was be an expectant father.

I would totally recommend a doula. DH thought he would feel awkward but actually in the end thought she was brill.

Original poster

belindarose · 17/06/2012 17:37

He would be very unhappy with a doula.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 17/06/2012 17:54

It's not for him to be happy or unhappy with a doula.

You are the one giving birth. He's only allowed in on your say so.

His job is to support you in the birth you want or fuck off.

PurplePidjin · 17/06/2012 17:57

I'm with you, Belinda. Dp is generally fab, but completely fucking useless in an emergency - think snappy, irritable, "well what do you expect me to do about it" attitude. I'm currently 16 weeks with PFB, and will probably spend more time writing a list of jobs for dp (fetch drinks, snacks, ring parents with updates) than i do on the birth plan (get to MLU, have healthy baby)

Unfortunately I'm not mean enough to actually ban him from the birth of his first child tempting though it might be :o

Original poster

belindarose · 17/06/2012 18:00

I haven't got the strength to fight it I'm afraid.

Purple, wish I could say he was generally fab. At the moment I don't think that's true.

Fuck...

OP posts:

MerylStrop · 17/06/2012 18:01

why?

most obstetric consultants are keen these days. get your consultant to say its a good idea.

EdgarAllenPimms · 17/06/2012 18:06

you are under no obligation to have him there....not everyone is going to be a good companion and support during childbirth.

my own DH gets nervous and then annoys me by spouting crap. so just as well i have back up too!

pidj if that's the MLU i think, have heard v. good things :)

op if it helps try and see if you can be really clear what you want of him, remembering you are giving birth, and you are the one who gets to make decisions about it....

EdgarAllenPimms · 17/06/2012 18:09

if you are happy having your Mum help, would you be happy with her at the birth?

AThingInYourLife · 17/06/2012 18:11

You would have to fight to get the support you want during labour?

This is starting to sound abusive.

Original poster

belindarose · 17/06/2012 18:13

Not abusive, just shit.

OP posts:

PurplePidjin · 17/06/2012 18:17

Tbh I'm not a fusser, so we've only encountered it 3 times in 2 1/2 years. As long as he has clear instructions, he's very good, which is why I will be compiling a list to go in my hospital bag!! I would be less inclined to put up with it if he weren't great the other 99.5% of the time...

Edgar, my side of the water and yes so have i!

EdgarAllenPimms · 17/06/2012 18:22

who is going to be looking after your 3 year old?

why not ask him if he'd rather do that than be at the birth?

it is possible he might not really want to be there.

Original poster

belindarose · 17/06/2012 18:29

I've asked, he says he wants to be. My best friend will be looking after DD. Mum is here now but going home this week so unlikely to be around for the birth itself.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 17/06/2012 18:31

Well if he's just shit and you're not scared of him, make the arrangements you want and refuse to get into any fight about your decision.

Ultimately he has no say here. You don't have to listen to him.

Original poster

belindarose · 17/06/2012 18:32

I have to live with him though...

OP posts:

Declutterbug · 17/06/2012 18:33

If you can afford it, a doula could be great. It is you giving birth not him...

AThingInYourLife · 17/06/2012 18:40

No, you don't.

Not if he's that much of a dick.

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