Don't think my DH will be a supportive enough birth partner.

[belindarose]

I've asked him if he really wants to be there and said that my friend will come if not, but he's just really surprised and says 'of course I want to'.

He was with me for DD's birth. That time I actively wanted an epidural and his main task was just to make sure I got one. I didn't want massage, didn't wxpect hom to do much. It was good to have him around while
I was stitched etc - DD needed resuscitation.

This time I'm hoping for a more active birth and to avoid epidural if I'm coping without. I'm saddened by the stories in the childbirth books I'm reading as they talk so much of fathers supporting and being involved on all kinds of ways and how that teamwork really helps. He isn't like that. Hasn't talked about the birth at all, doesn't even ask how I feel.

I'm 38 weeks. Very tired, in some pain and have a nearly 3 year old of the quite wild type. Diagnosed with AND about 6 weeks ago and medication has helped, but I guess the underlying problems are still there. It manifested itself mostly with strong feelings of not wanting the baby at all.

Don't really know what I'm asking. I'm desperately hoping that being at the birth will help him be more interested in the baby. But as a birth partner for me, I don't think I'll get through without support.

you have to give birth. you have to live with the baby after giving birth. (doulas very helpful for this too)

There are proven benefits in having a female birth partner (reduced levels of c/s, other interventions etc) - (googleable i'm sure!)

you seem also to be concerned he isn't really interested in this baby - doulas can be very good at engaging OHs in the process (part of job) now i think many men might be like this until the baby is born (it isn't real to them until then) and also the first time (baby needing resuss) might be scaring him - not that this is any excuse to be a knobber.

If he wants to be there, how open is he to instruction? at all? could he understand you want hand holding and back-rubs (if that's what you want!) and that's all he has to do?

I do feel for you, being heavily pregnant is crap enough without your OH being an arse.

I'm too inhibited to have a doula, I think, even I could afford one or find one at such short notice.

It's not just the baby he's not interested in. I can't think of a single time over 9 months of pregnancy where he must have thought 'I'll do this/ get this/ say this to make DW feel better/ happier while she's pregnant'. Well, he has made the evening meal more often than he used to, as I've struggled to prepare it while looking after DD like I used to. 3 or 4 times I've asked him to take DD out for a bit at the weekends and he has. He'll reluctantly take the dog out if I ask (I haven't been able to walk well for a few weeks now due to SPD).

I've just been crying and he carried on doing/ watching something on his iPad. I don't want him there in labour looking at his phone or iPad in between (or during contractions).

Urrgghhh he sounds like such a prick!
Please find the strength in yourself to do what you want, fuck what he thinks, he's not giving birth. I really hope he either bucks up or you find someone supportive to be there for you while you have your baby. X

God, he sounds awful doesn't he? I hope it's just the hormones, but I don't think it is. I pointed out this morning that he hadn't even spoken to DD when she came to our bed (he was awake, about to get up for work). He just said I was 'being silly'.

It's not just the birth that's the problem, is it? Please don't anyone ask why I'm having another child in this relationship. I have antenatal depression anyway and at 38 weeks it's a bit too late to be thinking like that...

There is quite a lot of research to show that men make really bad birthing partners. Googling could find something to show him and then you can use it to start a conversation about having a supportive female in attendance instead. There are student doulas out there who are cheaper, and they should be able to cope with last minute stuff. Otherwise get a female friend or relative, preferably one who has had a relatively easy birth.

At this point in time, you need to accept that he isn't going to turn into Mr. Supportive and figure out ways you can get through this with other people to help you. As for the relationship problems, don't worry about them for the next few weeks. Get yourself, baby and your current child through those tiring first few weeks and then concentrate on getting yourself stronger.

OP if I were you I would google local doulas today and at least set up an interview with one. Seriously. You can say you are not sure about having one but just want to talk. I think talking to another knowledgeable woman in real life would help you.

They only cost about £200 where I am. And you could say you want her not to be at the business end for the birth but just to hold your hand.

I really would, otherwise I think you will end up resenting your DH massively after the birth and it could harm your relationship. And bugger what he wants: he isn't giving birth.

For one thing, if you do have him with you at the birth, you can ban the ipad / iphone. I think I would kill someone who was reading the fucking internet while I was having a baby.

38 weeks might give you almost another month (probably not what you want to hear..)

i second not worrying about the general relationship now. DO get some support for your birth - it does make a huge difference.

what does he expect you to do?