Will I need help when I bring baby home?

[shil0846]

I'm due in November and already worrying about how I'll cope when I bring baby home. My husband works long hours and (other than 2 weeks' paternity leave) won't be around until late evening. My family isn't interested and my mother-in-law lives in Scotland so I'm not going to have any other family support.

I have looked into gettting a night nurse but as we have a small 2 bed flat I'm concerned that it would be pretty intrusive. The other option is to get someone in for a couple of house a day several times a week just to get a break.

Would really appreciate any advice or recommendations (we live in N1) from anyone else who has been in this situation as to how they coped.
xx

If its your first child and your dh has two weeks off then I don't see why you would need anyone else.

You can nap when the baby naps (most tiny babies actually sleep A LOT)

Just give yourself a rest from too much housework and you should be fine :)

You will be fine on your own. Sleep when the baby sleeps, rest and put your feet up and enjoy cuddles with your newborn.

You will absolutely cope on your own but if you can afford it, would prefer it and feel it will help go ahead and get some help. I live far away from family and friends and I believe the lack of regular support contributed to my PND.

I would wait and see how you get on, I would plan on being just fine though - just work your day around the baby, sleep when they sleep don't worry if you get nothing done some days and just enjoy it.

Plan with your partner in advance to make sure that when you are ready you get some "me time" even if at first that's just a bath on a Saturday morning.

If you are otherwise fit and healthy, you shouldn't need any help.

I would say that you would definitely need help in the first two weeks, but if your husband can cover that then it's a bit harder to predict.

On balance, I'd look at night nurses only later if nights turn out to be a problem.

I think your other idea is better. My husband was coming home at a reasonable hour, but if he hadn't been, I think I would have appreciated some help. The evenings can be a trying time, much feeding for baby, not much chance for feeding for you. I bit of a chance to marshall your resources during the day could be a benefit.

Some people like expert baby assistnace, others prefer to do the baby themselves and get the help with the house. If I had an in-law hour, I'd get them to pram the baby while I slept, or do laundry while I fed the baby and dozed.

Unless you need a c section then you should be fine with just 2 weeks help from your dh. You could look into a post natal doula if you're concerned, but the best tip I can give you is rio limit visitors unless they have strict instructions to cook our clean for you!

YES. If you can afford it, get some help. It's really nice to have another pair of hands when you need to relax ( have a bath etc.) My DS had a collic and I really appreciated my mum being there and holding him when he was crying for hours.

It's up to you.

I would hate having someone in my house at such a time. With DS I didn't feel like he was 'mine' until I was away from hospital and the midwives/HV stopped visiting and I could just get on and do things my way.

I think it's much more helpful to prep your house well. Keep it clean and tidy in the couple of weeks up to the birth, so you dont come home to a bombsite with a new baby. Keep on top of the laundry etc. Fill up the freezer with quick easy food (home-made ready meals, pizza).

When the baby arrives, have very low expectations of yourself. This is not the time to worry about housework. You can sleep when the baby does and slob infront of the TV while he/she feeds. Just cuddle and enjoy your baby.

Someone in a couple of hours a few times a week to cook/clean/keep an eye on baby while you have a long bath/nap/do the Ocado order (do sign up for supermarket delivery now) would be a great luxury. A "mother's help" is what you're looking for.

Most people manage fine without a night nanny - you may need additional help but probably won't.

Post natal doula for when your DH goes back to work?

Night nannies are v expensive

You can do things like batch cooking for the freezer so you have meals ready, box sets of DVDs to watch when feeding etc

The way I look at it, you have to abandon yourself to the fact that having a newborn is bloody hard work and you will be sleep deprived for a very long time. Most people with a working partner are left alone when their husband goes back to work and most people get through it fine but it really does help to have people come round or to get out to visit people.

do you have friends nearby? It can be pretty isolating and it does help to get out IMO.

I really do recommend joining some kind of ante-natal group. Would you consider an NCT ante-natal group. When I look back to December 2 years ago I feel really grateful that I had a bunch of other new mums around me who understood when I had a bad day, who met up for coffee and cake in local cafes and generally shared the experience.

Will you be breastfeeding? Look up your nearest breastfeeding group because that's always a nice way to get support.

Ask your midwife / HV / Visitor from the Children's Centre to put you in touch with other local Mums in the area, then you will have other human support from others who are coming to terms with such a big change in their lives too . Parent and toddler groups aren't for toddlers - they are for parents to have human contact with other parents, and you can go when you have a baby, you don't have to wait until they are toddlers (who knew ?). Some folk are able to make friends with other new Mums at pre-natal groups - again, if it's not something you've been offered yet then ask your midwife, or toddle on down to your local children's centre.
It is daunting, but very difficult to predict. Some babies sleep a lot, and some Mums feel fine, others struggle more, but, IMO human contact, as in people you can chat to, helps a lot, more so than someone necessarily hired in to do a 'job' per se. not that it's ever a bad idea to have someone doing your cleaning if you can afford it.

Both sides of my family lived far away when I had both DS. It depends how you feel. Some days I sat on the sofa feeding all day and so the house was a mess when DH came back. If a really clean and tidy house is important to you then yes maybe a cleaner might be a good idea. Another alternative might be a babysitting agency. They will often come during the day.
Definately agree a good idea to join some groups. Its a good way to meet other mum and swop ideas.
In hindsight I wish I had got my self some extra help maybe some one to do a bit of cleaning, hoovering and put some washes on. Also maybe set up a couple of middle sized Tesco shops to come with a easily prepared meals in them a week or so apart.
Maybe give DH a heads up that he may need to do a few things in the evening when he comes in so that it isnt too much of a shock to him. Definately dont race around before he comes home tidying things so flat looks "normal" and dont be afraid to hand over baby and take time to have a bath or have time alone in your room when DH comes home.
Yes he will have had a long day too but it is much more emotionally demanding being at home with your baby in the early day than it is being at work imo anyway. Dont streess too much about this as it will all be fine.

If it is possible I would reccomend your oh taking the first week off full time and then doing the next two weeks as half days as a slower way of easing you into being on your own.

As others have said if your DH is off for two weeks, just see how you get on. Those first two weeks are definitely the hardest, so much so I remember saying to DH 'Thank god we're past that stage' when friends of ours had a baby 3 weeks after us

Definitely fill the freezer pre-birth and also keep lots of food that is easy to both prepare and eat with one hand in the house, and whilst it is a good idea to get out and about and meet up with other mums, it is also perfectly fine to have days when you don't get out of your pyjamas and have a house that looks like a bomb has hit it.

Reading that back I realise I sound like one of those doom mongers who go around talking about how awful having a newborn is. It isn't, I don't so much mean that the first two weeks were horrific, but more that by week 3 I felt like was getting into the swing of it a bit. I felt recovered from the birth, had got to know DS a bit better and felt like I starting to get a bit of grip on how to look after him as in I was no longer spending every minute of the day thinking 'oh my god I have a baby what on earth do I do with him'.

What does your husband do? Can he adjust his work-life balance?

You are both having a baby. Make your DH do his share.

You won't need anybody to help care for the baby. You will need to eat. Make sure the freezer is stoked/ you have ready meals for after the baby is born.

You will need to establish breast feeding, if you are not bottle feeding, so getting someone in a few hours a day won't be any help.

I'm presuming you already have a cleaner. If not, a cleaner might be a good idea.

Funnily enough, lots of people with no family help, who's husbands work long hours cope with a small baby. What they don't cope with is lack of adult conversation. Make sure you find an ante-natal group, such as the NCT who will meet up after the baby is born so you have some other people to meet up with during the day.

Can I say that I struggled to cope initially, and would have benefitted from the type of help you are talking about. I had a ELCS (due transverse lie) but lost a lot of blood, was very anaemic and had an infection. DD developed jaundice, and had huge problems trying to breastfeed. She lost loads of weight and I ended up expressing everything she consumed. That is really hard work. She did start breastfeeding again but not until 3-4 months of age. She had colic or reflux or somthing and screamed every afternoon and till about 1-2am. She did not sleep much (was awake over 12 hours a day)! [PS I always thought she was absolutely lovely, but I also felt I was on my last legs all the time]

I didn't NEED help as i coped, but I would have really liked to have it! Just a few hours a day to take the baby off me would have made a huge difference. Especially in the afternoons!

If you can afford it then you could organise it. Or just see how you feel at the time (I think its possible to get someone in with short notice in London if you are flexible).

For myself, I'd have regretted taking any steps to adjust my husband's career for the sake of a few months. My baby got pretty easy to look after pretty quickly and was certainly asleep in the evenings between 7 and 11 by about eight weeks.

You will cope, although the housework will go to pot. I was barely brushing my teeth for the first month after DC1 and the laundry piled up!

If you have any nice local nurseries you could see if any of the staff are willing to do any 'Mothers Help' style work for you. An extra pair of hands for an hour or so is useful. Even if you just want to shower or make yourself some good food.

Get used to ordering your food shopping on-line now. Nearer the time stock up on nappies, wipes, biscuits, tea / coffee and long-life milk.

I needed help. I didn't have it, but I needed it. I had a very slow recovery from my birth due to the type of delivery I had. I couldn't have known this in advance though... If you end up feeling off par, physically or mentally, have contacts available to get someone to come in and clean or even just hold your new baby while you nap if they are not a big sleeper. I am planning to be well as I think this is the best course, but this time if I have the need, I will find a way to access it.

shil can I ask you what it is specifically that you are concerned about? I ask because it can be useful to make a distinction between emotional and practical help.

I don't personally think it is very enjoyable for any new mother to be on their own without any family or other support all day, especially if you then are the only person on night duty (which if you are breastfeeding, you will be, and I do recommend looking into co-sleeping asap, or at least a bedside cot). tbh, if you have a small flat then a crying baby is going to wake you no matter who is caring for it at the time. In all honesty I think night nannies only work if you have a fairly big house and are formula feeding.

Of course plenty of women do end up on their own all day, and they cope in the sense that nothing catastrophic happens - but really, help is - well, so helpful, if you can get it.

If you can identify what help you think you most want, then you can try and plan. A cleaner will help you with the house but not with emotional support, or giving you a break. If your partner can't change his work hours, then negotiate with him so that when he gets home, he can take the baby for a couple of hours (this is his baby too) so that you can have a bath or cook a meal or whatever you WANT to do (go to bed!) without being primarily responsible for everything to do with your baby. If you are breastfeeding, your baby can be handed to you for a feed, but then taken off for a cuddle with daddy.

Find a mum and baby group near you. Go to it even if you are unsure at first. A change of scenery and listening to women in the same positon as you will do you a world of good. They will also be a MINE of information when your dc is older than a few weeks about what groups and activities are good, where is baby friendly and where isn't, etc.

Advice to stock up on very easy meals and snacks is spot on. Sky plus is your best mate, as are dvd box sets. If you can make a super luxury purchase, my personal tip is get a Kindle and an ipod touch! I got both when my dc was around 6 months - they should come in the Bounty bag for all new mums, IMO. an ipod means you can e-mail, surf the web and even order shopping with one hand (oh, and watch iplayer) - and a Kindle means you can read one handed without awkwardly trying to turn a page every 2 minutes, or dropping a heavy book on your dc's head (ahem).

If you drum up social support, don't assume every visitor will be helpful. Some are brilliant - distract you, make you laugh, then go and tidy your kitchen (without comment) while you nap for half an hour. Some sit on their arse eating your biscuits while you bring them umpteen cups of tea, talk about their problems for 2 hours and ask you what's wrong with the baby when he cries. You want the former, don't stress yourself with the latter.

FWIW, I think it's absolutely fine to think ahead and accept that the first few months of being a new mum can be tough. I'm not saying 'yes, worry about it!' at all. Just that I do hear first time mums to be talking about how they are going to (a) write a novel (b) learn a language (c) redecorate the house or (d) set up a knitting/cup cake business while they are on maternity leave. And I think - they have confused 'having a baby' with 'a holiday'. You are not falling into that trap!