Will I need help when I bring baby home?

[shil0846]

I'm due in November and already worrying about how I'll cope when I bring baby home. My husband works long hours and (other than 2 weeks' paternity leave) won't be around until late evening. My family isn't interested and my mother-in-law lives in Scotland so I'm not going to have any other family support.

I have looked into gettting a night nurse but as we have a small 2 bed flat I'm concerned that it would be pretty intrusive. The other option is to get someone in for a couple of house a day several times a week just to get a break.

Would really appreciate any advice or recommendations (we live in N1) from anyone else who has been in this situation as to how they coped.
xx

You'll be fine! My mum was on hand if I needed help but tbh I found it sometimes easier with just me and DD and I just did everything around her. Don't think I did any cleaning for 2 weeks when dh went back to work! My mum came once a week and did my mountain of ironing and ran around doing little odd jobs...bless her! I would suggest getting stuff in the freezer (make mountains of pasta sauce, soup and shep.pie etc) at the weekends when dp is on hand to help with the LO. If you can pay someone to do your ironing that'll help - or stuff it and just wear stuff that doesn't need ironing. No problem in a pj day every now and again! Nap when your baby naps. It'll be tough, but hundreds of sp without friends and families do it every day and night. Its par of the course, being tired but don't waste your mOney on a night nurse. You can do it! Just find little ways if saving time and try to get organised for the week ahead when do is around at weekends.

I would explore your options now, but save actually employing someone until you have had the baby and can decide exactly what help you need, you may be just fine or you may need some support. But see how you go first before making a financial commitment.

I moved to a foreign country at 36 weeks pregnant and had the baby at 38 weeks, so I hadn't had the chance to get out and meet anyone yet, and my husband went straight back to work after 6 days off He also works long hours and I had a DS age 19months at the time. I'm not gonna say it was easy, but I certainly coped. I just got myself into a routine straight away. Did the housework when baby slept in the morning, and prepared meals while the baby slept later in the day, inbetween was a juggle between feeding baby and playing with DS. My DH would take over with DS when he got in from work and I'd sort out baby bottles etc. As long is you don't get hung up on the bits that you don't manage to get done you'll be just fine.
But if you find you aren't coping and you have the money to afford some home help then I don't see why you shouldn't do it, anything to make it easier for you to enjoy your new baby

Just replying but haven't read the other replies, so sorry if I just repeat what others have said. I am single mum, no family. I coped fine on my own but it was a lot harder. Various practical things help - freeze up lots of meals/ buy in nutritious ready meals and freeze those for the first weeks. Get a cleaner for an hour a week if you can afford it, or ask a friend to do this. Keep a big stash of healthy snacks and water by your bed so you can rest as much as possible, believe me you will need to! It can help to have 'online' emotional support too. This time round (I am due with DC2 soon) I have arranged more support/ help for myself as it was hard the first time round, I didn't know what to expect and had a difficult/ slightly traumatic long labour ending in EMCS so my recovery was quite slow, plus I had breastfeeding problems initially. This time I have a friend coming for 2 weeks to help out, I have loads of food frozen, I have all my breastfeeding info to hand, and I know that I will need to rest alot. GOOD LUCK - you can do it!

Also I recommend co-sleeping if you are breastfeeding, with the usual safety precautions (not when VERY tired, after heavy meds, if you smoke etc).

I was 19 when I had DS, the day I brought him home dp went back to work, he worked until 10pm most days, i had absolutely no help from anyone else and I bf too and had Pnd. I managed fine, it was hard but I still done it, if I can do it anyone can! :o

As long as there are no serious health problems I don't see how you wouldn't be able to do it on your own :) don't worry about it and just enjoy the peace and quiet to bond with your dc.

Also the key thing here is to remember that if you need help or additional support, there is no shame to it.

So many women feel judged and inadequate when they get the inevitable "oh I'm surprised you're finding it so hard with two, I found it a doddle with six" comments from relatives/friends/strangers at groups.

It's not a competition and if you feel you need support you don't need to prove there is a "real" reason for it. You may not need it, you may find that it is a breeze in comparison to your fears.. but if it turns out that you really do need that help, please don't ever feel that it makes you less of a person or less of a mother if that is what you find you need because other women choose not to chase that help.

There is also a distinction between what is possible on your own and what is best for you and your baby's health and wellbeing. I "managed" with (then) undiagnosed PND-OCD, no family or friend support (even being ditched by my best friend unceremoniously as she didn't get I couldn't be at her beck and call), serious family issues and a colicky baby. My son is 2 and a half and healthy and happy and I took great care of him really... I have lots of great qualities as a mother BUT I wouldn't recommend it as a course of action. It really involved a lot of needless hardship because I was too proud and perfectionistic to ask for help, and it means that I have a lot of sad, stressed memories of that time. Easier to just work out a contingency plan for if things are tough and call on it swiftly if and when you need it.

Good luck! Whatever happens, all of this will pass in the blink of an eye.. whether you are basking in a glow of happiness beyond your wildest dreams or a bit overwhelming.

finding it a bit overwhelming.

Like lots of others have said, i'd spend the money on a cleaner.

Does SWMNBN not say that her view is that people spend too much money on stuff when they could spend it on help? I might be wrong, I have this second hand.

You will be fine honey, sleep when baby sleeps, shower when baby sleeps.
You have nothing to worry about, everything will fit like a puzzle when baby is born, your dh should get 2 weeks paternity to help you out anyway.
I have had four dcs and when you have your first it can seem overwhelming but i can assure you it will all work out in a way that suits you

I'd reiterate what I said up thread and agree wholeheartedly with thunkshead ...

Sleep when baby sleeps was impossible for me as my DD didn't sleep much for the first 4 months and when she did, it had to be on me.
I also suffered from that awful need to be perfect, do it all myself etc.. Coupled with no friends or family nearby and I lost myself to PND for a good few months. I dearly wish I'd got the practical help at home I could've availed myself of.

OP, you've said you've got no family or friends nearby so get help in place, if you can afford it and if, when the time comes, you don't need it, cancel.

I was never able to sleep when my babies slept. By that point I was too frazzled to relax, or I'd need to eat or go to the loo! I can't switch off even when I'm tired.

I think how you cope very much depends on what type of birth & baby you have. Obviously you won't know until they happen, so i would plan for all eventualities.

Im in a similar position & was worried about coping but it has actually been much better than expected. Luckily DS is a very chilled little dude who snoozes a lot & rarely cries. We are 9 weeks in and the things that have helped are:

Cleaner - I'd have them twice weekly if we could afford it. Its so easy yo over do it in the first six weeks & it's an essential with no help IMO. Mid week ideally. I started this at 36 weeks so we could get into a routine.

Lactation consultant if your planning on breastfeeding. It's much harder than they tell you & can be stressful, so are worth their weight in gold. I've been to breastfeeding groups but 1:1 is better. Can pass on her details if you like.

NCT or some type of mum group. Not very useful until 5-6 weeks when you start feeling better & can get out more. They have been great. I really started to feel the lack of support by then. It's very lonely on your own.

Freezer food & some sort of online shopping organised before you're due. Also think about finger food for lunch & setting up a feed station with supplies.

I would also discuss expectations of how things will work at weekends with your DH as this has been a surprising source of stress for us!

I was another one who could't 'sleep when baby sleeps' (and I got quite frstrated with that advice) - DS was colicky, turned out to have reflux and needed to be held almost constantly. He fed VERY frequently and would sleep for 5 mins, scream for 20 mins, feed for ten mins, scream for ten mins, sleep for 12 mins, feed for 5 mins, sleep for 5 mins ... and so on. Just the way he was, but 'sleep when the baby sleeps' never happened for me.

The problem is you're not going to know until the time. For now, I'd invest in a cleaner & make sure there's plenty of room in your freezer and see if you can get some recommendations for local night nurses/post-natal doulas/mother's help so if you need them, you can call them without having to do the research through a sleep deprived haze.

With DC1, I had a 40 hour labour with epidural & forceps & DD then needed to be resuscitated and it took me a good couple of weeks to recover & I did struggle. With DC2, I had a 2 hour labour during the day with no intervention & was feeling fine, mentally & physically, within hours &, 3 weeks in & despite having DC1 to entertain & DP leaving for work at 6am and coming home at midnight for the past week, I am in a much better place than I was at this stage last time. This has been helped by the fact that I have upped the cleaners hours, they do the ironing too & we're eating a lot of ready meals (I recommend COOK!) whilst DD works her way through the stash of meals I'd prepared for her in the freezer. And I've lived in the area now for almost three years so have some good friends & don't mind that the house is a complete tip & I'm covered in sick (DC2 is a real puker) when they come over whereas last time around when I hardly knew them I would have been trying to put on make up & make sure the house was spotless. I'm also happy to call them before they come over & ask them to stop off at the corner shop on their way to buy milk or similar.

If this is your first baby and yoru DH has two weeks off work you should be OK. My DH took one week off and all family were 250 miles away (they all worked full time too!0 so I just had to cope and did. Full make up and a shower every day too!

It all depends. I came home after 4 days in hospital. DH didn't take any time off (he works long hours too) and I had no family or friends over to help (which my mum still feels guilty about but she was abroad at the time).

I was fine. I found the first month amazingly easy. Then I hit a wall because I'd overdone it

Month 2 and 3 were ok. Months 4+ were very hard because DS has reflux, still wasn't sleeping and we moved house. (whispers - he is now 8 months and it's even harder than newborn!)

So I'd say to wait and see. Getting out of the house was a life-saver and a real morale-booster. I remember when DS was 10 days old I was meant to be meeting up with some women I'd met whilst pregnant (and who were all still pregnant). I really didn't want to go but forced myself. Had a tiring journey getting across Paris (a 45min journey took nearly 2 hours because of the buses!) but afterwards I felt fantastic and so much better. DS just slept through it all

I don't know how you'll feel when you have your baby, but for the first two weeks you will have your DH around. If you think you'll need help you can hire someone then. It might be that you don't feel you want someone else in the house or that you don't want to leave someone with the baby. You'll have a better idea of exactly what you want/need when your baby has arrived. You can always collect numbers and info on mother's help/nanny services now so that you know what's out there.

If you don't already have one I'd get a cleaner sorted - someone who will clean, wash and iron - so they're starting before you have your baby. I'd also start doing internet shops if you don't already. That's time saved for the important stuff. And you could always try joining an NCT group - even if you want to be doped up to the eyeballs it will put you in touch with other women who live nearby and will be in the same position as you. If you are planning to stay at home for a while and your DH works long hours it might be handy to have someone to meet up with for a break.

Get a cleaner and fill the freezer with ready meals. Maybe some help with laundry. Outsource domestic tasks rather than outsource childcare, especially if you're planning to breastfeed.

Don't expect to do anything other than look after the baby. It doesn't matter if you don't get dressed or go out. Yes, breastfed babies do feed for hours and hours.

Enjoy the first few weeks and just spend them feeding and bonding with the baby; do the minimum of housework and make sure that your husband understands that paternity leave is not a holiday for him/time to start a new hobby (as mine did)...

Fill up the freezer with healthier meals and say yes to any offers of help from visitors - also, get them to bring their own biscuits/cakes and any shopping you might need.

That's the ideal version anyway...