Your second birth. If it was better than your first, what did that mean to you?

[HowImportantWasItThen]

Would those of you who have a really good second birth, following a less positive first birth, have a moment to share with me what having a good birth second time around meant for you? Did you see birth as something to get through, or has the kind of birth you had made a difference to how you feel about being/becoming a mother?

I am thinking about doing some research on women's experience of second births, and would be really interested to hear some first-hand experiences of if/how having a good birth second time around made a difference to you? . Obviously, please don't post if you will get upset, I don't want to poke and pry, but would love to hear if you are happy to share . Ta!

I am really interested in responses. Am due second in a few weeks and it has been tremendously important to me to try to make this better because I feel my last one really was a harsh introduction to life for my wee boy and to motherhood for me. I have no idea how it will go, am doing hypnobirthing and lots of calm relaxing things to prepare for every typical eventuality - right now baby is breech so it may be elcs yet, if baby turns it could be anything really.. for me the priority at this point is a healthy safe delivery both physically and mentally where at all possible (with many caveats!).

DS was a 27 hour labour with every intervention possible followed by a forceps delivery just before an emergency section would have been done. All very traumatic and it took me a while to bond with him.

With DD I went into labour about 2am so spent time downstairs alone, cuddled up on the couch in a duvet. Arrived at hospital about 7.30am, she was born at 7.50. Bit hair-raising as midwife had told me it would be ages and gone off duty, new one was in handover meeting so head was out by the time anyone responded to the emergency bell yet strangely it seemed fine.

I felt quite empowered by it tbh. Felt all was good with the world!

My first birth was technically perfect, I laboured at home for hours until I was 8cm and went into hospital where I gave birth naturally and with minimal pain relief to a back to back baby. However I felt traumatised by it, struggled with feelings of motherhood, had suicidal thoughts and flashbacks and was terrified of going through it again. The actual birthing bit was very difficult for a number of reasons and I felt completely unsupported.

The second time around I had a black few weeks after the pregnancy test and then started reading and researching. Ended up with a long, frustrating homebirth, another back to back baby and the most astonishing primal birth experience. Afterwards I felt lighter, happier, couldn't stop smiling and was incredibly proud of myself. The 'high' after birth lasted ten weeks. And my relationship with my second child was much better, I felt so bonded to him. My thoughts were positive and not negative. Even now he is older, if I am feeling down I think back to the birth and think 'I did that.I can do anything'. I have a greater trust in my own body and my own abilities. My relationship with my husband is also better.

DD: On stage in a gangshow, having weird back aches all day, assumed it was due to being in a show and on stage about 3/4 weeks before Due Date. Feels a weird popping sensation and get the wrost pain shooting everywhere emanating (?sp) from fanjo area so I ran off stage, the second I was out of view of audience my waters broke, well they gushed everywhere. so I'm sitting in the wings, some dickhead thinking it was actually coming then, pulled my trousers down to have a look and was reassuring me it's fine, there's a first aider coming (FUCKING FIRST AIDER!!!!) to which I screamed (audible to audience) I don't want a fucking first aider, I want a dr, I have cut myself I'm in labour. And why the hell are my trousers round my ankles (It's a surprise I'm still a Scout Leader. 37 hours later DD arrived after "normal" birth but traumatic start.

With DS I was adamant (?sp) that he wasn't going to make a public appearance but he was due a few weeks after a conference that I'd organised and had to be at, so I went and sat down all week, the people that I needed to speak to had been pre-warned and had to come to me. All was fine until 10 MINUTES before the last session ended and my waters broke (I was mortified), DS was with us 7 hours later.

Next time (If there is a next time) I'm not leaving the house for 9 months, my children clearly like to humiliate me before they're even born

HTH

Dd1 was a good labour but with a traumatic ending - a last minute transfer to a different hospital and a ventouse delivery which I felt with hindsight was totally unnecessary. All my choices were taken away from me and I ended up on my back with legs in stirrups and total strangers around me.

Dd2 - I had a complicated pregnancy and knew that the birth was likely to be a highly medicalised affair. I did everything I could to counteract this without putting the baby at any further risk. I hired a doula and she gave me the confidence to voice my wishes and do things how I wanted. The labour was very quick and intense and neither my doula or my dh made it in time, but I remained in control, even at the last moments when, on being told to turn onto my back "while we deliver this baby", I stated that I wanted to stay on my side. I did indeed give birth to her lying on my side as I wanted (I hadn't planned it that way, it was just what felt right at the time).

I felt exhilarated afterwards - the emotional wound I felt at not being given the chance to push out my first baby was a long way healed by doing it in my own way the second time. I'm so glad I prepared myself and had the guts to determine my final position. The ventouse was used the first time because I wasn't in the right position (for me) to push her out by myself - I'm convinced of that.

I don't feel like a failure any more.

Another part of me also sees that, even though I had 2 very different births, the result was the same, and the baby really is the only thing that matters.

Had a very positive experience second time round and was able to sit cuddling dd2 and feeling all those immediate feelings of love I'd heard about.

First time round, although things went well 'on paper' I felt incredibly shocked and traumatised and had flashbacks later that night. I didn't feel much for dd1 at first - it was all about me and what I'd been through. I remember wishing someone could just take her away for the night so I could just sleep and recover. It took me quite a while (weeks) to feel I loved her although that was probably partly because she was my first and I'd never been a 'baby person'.

When I was giving birth to DD1 I had chicken pox and hadn't eaten for a week, there was poo in the waters, so I was very weak and on a monitor throughout. I was very weak, so couldn't walk about much, and spent most of the time on the bed. I then had an epidural which only worked on half my body, and ended up with a ventouse. When DD1 was born I thought she was dead, and told the midwife so. There were two peadiatricians telling me she might die at any time. (she was fine after a couple of hours, and is fine now, when I'm not on behaviour threads)

DD2 had a gentle labour - went to hospital - was told I wasn't in labour because it didn't hurt enough (I rather throught it did hurt) and had her 45 minutes after they tried to send me home.

Her healthiness was so apparent, I wanted to go home straight away, but they kept me in for hours while they found a doctor (I had her at midnight, and they didn't discharge me until 3.pm - 12 hours after I'd asked to go home).

She has continued to be an easier baby - she is 2 soon, and I'm convinced that my difficult start with DD1 made her a more difficult baby, but I don't feel any differently about the kids, and I loved them both straight away. I still feel sick whenever I think about giving birth to DD1.

If you are interested though I had them in different hospitals, and went to look round the second hosptial on my own while DH looked after DD1. When I saw the labour wards I freaked out and started crying, which wasn't great for the first time parents though. I really thought I couldn't go through it again (and I was 8 months pregnant...)

The second one has wiped away the fear and the 'emptiness' left by by DD's birth. Whilst we were both 'well' it wasn't natural (hospital, induction, epidural, forceps, episiotomy, 3a tear, PPH) and I was left feeling humiliated and traumatised by a manual placenta removal.

DS's birth was planned as a homebirth against medical advice, I laboured spontaneously at home and had a pool and gas and air, and it was largely as I had hoped. Transferred to hospital for prolonged 2nd stage and DS was born in theatre under spinal by forceps weighing 11lb 7oz and I had a large PPH BUT it was so healing. I made the decisions, I had laboured and I came away less damaged than the first time.

Healing, yes, that's a good word

First birth, DS. 30 hours labour, epidural which slowed everything down, a syntocin drip which speeded everything up at the same time that the first epidural ran out, the second 'lot' of epidural failed just as the syntocin drip kicked in. Left on my own for stretches of 5 hours+ despite the epidural and an IV antibiotic drip due to GB strep. Pain that felt like I was being ripped apart, a midwife who shouted at me for 'doing it wrong' being left alone to push for 20 mins whilst she found a doctor because 'things were going wrong', being taken to theatre prepped for a C section, convinced that I was going to be one of the statistics that died in childbirth, but 'luckily' DS being delivered by forceps followed by a manual removal of placenta. DS so battered and bruised he couldn't feed for 36 hours, me in hospital for 5 days not aware that I had torn from the opening of the vagina up to my cervix. Being discharged thinking it was normal to sit on a rubber ring for a month after childbirth and then suffering an anterior and posterior prolapse 6 weeks later. Suffering PTSD and being obsessed with DS's weight, to the extent of taking him to A+E because he wouldn't feed for longer than 10mins at a time. Spending the next 2 yrs reliving the horrific experience several times a day. Seriously considering a termination when I accidentally fell pregnant with DD because I couldn't face doing it again. DH refusing to come to DD's birth because he was so traumatised by DS's birth.

Second birth, DD, I hired an independent midwife. We went though the history with DS, she spent a lot of time debriefing and we did a lot of hypnobirthing. When I finally went into labour, I was so calm, I wasn't even sure I was in labour - by the time I called her out to see me, when I still thought it was a false alarm, I was actually 6cms. I went into hospital with my IM, (dh wouldn't come because of ds birth) and it was the most amazing experience. I did most of my labour in the pool, no pain relief except gas & air and the most incredible support from my IM and the NHS midwives. Got out of the pool to have my waters broken after 8 hrs, DD literally fell out, 2 mins and 2 pushes after my waters were broken. I was discharged the same day and felt so differently about dd, everything felt so much more natural with her. my family said I looked so much better after her than i did with ds - my mum and sister said they were really worried about me when i had ds, apparently i was properly green after i had him. I said to dh i would do it again that afternoon it was that much easier second time around.

I gave birth to ds on Tuesday and it was a completely different experience to dd's birth 2 years ago .

With DD I was 12 days overdue and had to go into hospital to be induced. We arrived at 7:30am as instructed in the morning, and I was strapped to a monitor for 3 hours. After being taken off we were then left hanging around until 4pm for the induction to start and I was given a pessary. Dh and I were already pretty nervous as we had been waiting a about all day. By the time visiting time ended at 9pm I was quite emotional and started to have contractions, but the mw on the antenatal ward basically didn't believe me and sent dh home. I was told to get some rest, but couldn't lay down, plus I didn't want to disturb the other women trying to sleep. I ended up pacing the corridor and eventually had a bath and some paracetamol. Eventually one of the mw's agreed to check me and I was 4-5cm dilated and having regular contractions. They moved me to a side room and I was allowed to call dh back. It was midnight by this point. At 2am they moved me up to delivery and we were at the mercy of a midwife who was determined that I was going to labour laid flat on a bed. She broke my waters and after that everything got a bit out of control. My labour progressed quite quickly and my contractions almost instantly doubled in duration and intensity. As a first time mum I started to panic a bit as i had horrendous back pain (my dd was back to back) and found it almost impossible to lie on my back. I was just told to lay down and breathe the gas and air. Soon after I had an overwhelming urge to push that I could not control, but there was a lip still present at the top of my cervix so I couldn't deliver. My dd's heart rate slowed down to a dangerous level and she had to have a clip put on her head to monitor her oxygen levels. I was pretty out of it on gas and air, but I still remember being so frightened when I could hear her heart rate dipping on the monitor. I was left to attempt pushing for about 40 mins despite the lip. In the end a consultant had to be called, an epidural was put in in case I needed an emcs and I was whisked off to theatre. They tried to deliver via ventouse which didn't work, so she was born via forceps at 8:50am. I had to have an episiotomy and had a 2nd degree tear. Poor dh was left stood in a corner and we both felt completely powerless. DD took a few mins to recover and breathe after birth, which meant another frightening time. I also had to wait to go into recovery (about 45 mins) before I got the chance to hold DD. I lost quite a lot of blood and when in recovery my blood pressure dropped and I nearly passed out...not that anyone other than dh noticed. He got me an apple juice carton and cereal bar (which we bought from home) and lifted up my legs and after a few mins I recovered again. I eventually got a proper cuddle 1.5 hours after DD was born. The postnatal care was also poor and I cried most of the night along with DD who had a horrid headache from being yanked out with forceps!

As you can imagine, second time round I wanted things to go very differently. Firstly we booked a private room for postnatal at Watford general hospital on the knutsford suite. This was one of my biggest worries about giving birth and changed my outlook on the whole thing. I was 12 days overdue this time as well, but went into spontaneous labour at 3am on Tuesday, the day I was due to be induced. I had had a sweep a few days before and as it was possible, an arm was booked in instead of pessary and drip. We got to the hospital at 8:30 and were shown to our room on delivery. The midwives came shortly after - one training and one qualified, both of whom were excellent and talked through what we wanted straight away. Instead of doing things to me they asked my permission and what I wanted to do. I was monitored for 15 mins, with the midwives in the room instead of being abandoned for 3 hours. I had an antibiotic drip put in straight away (I am gb strep +) and then a consultant came to see me to check how I was feeling. The mw then attempted to break my waters, but explained that as ds head was still quite high, she didn't want the cord to prolapse, so she called the consultant back straight away to do it safely. I was 4cm dilated with 2-3 contractions in 10 mins. She stayed in the room to check I was ok and sorted out my gas and air, as I asked her for some. My contractions almost immediately doubled in intensity (from 70's-80's on the monitor to 140-160's) and length and I could feel the panic from last time returning. Both midwives immediately asked me how I was feeling, helped me find a comfortable position and showed me that I could cope with the pain. The mw asked my permission to leave to get a birth pack and said she would return and check my progress in a few minutes. The student midwife who was also excellent stayed and reassured me the whole way through. After 45 mins I started to feel the urge to push and the student midwife helped ms feel so in control. She quickly called the other mw back and they talked me and dh through exactly what we needed to do. Although extremely painful, I felt like I was in control and pushed ds out in 4 mins. My whole second stage was only 58 mins. Instead of feeling shell shocked and frightened, dh and I felt ecstatic and empowered. I got to hold ds straight away and dh got a cuddle when I was being stitched. I did have another 2nd degree tear, but I was given painkillers to manage and I could hold and see my son, so it was all much less traumatic. We were then left to bond as a family for a few hours without being rushed. This birth was much quicker and more painful, but so much better as the mw's put me back in control. We were later moved to the knutsford which is the best money I have ever spent...overall the 2 experiences are incomparable .

Dd1 had to be induced, was a 19 hour labour with epidural in a big city hospital, my dh was told to go home for the night, I was left alone for most of it and I was scared I believe had someone spent more time with me I may not have needed epidural, had a post natal infection too. This did not impact on my feelings for dd1 at all I loved her as soon as I saw her. It did take me a long time to get over her birth though and I was properly scared when pregnant with dd2 all I could think about was the birth.

Dd2 was a very quick labour and birth (went to get checked at 10am and she was born and 10:55) with only paracetamol for pain relief in a community hospital and again I felt nothing but love for her. We are not having more children but I would go through dd2s birth in a heart beat it was easy and non medicalised.

It was quicker. Much much quicker. 4 hrs v 28 hrs and that made a world of difference. I was so tired, scared and hurt after the first one. The second was comparatively a breeze and I was in a buch better place physically and emotionally to be with and look after a new-born

These are lovely stories. Thank you! it seems that good second births can be quite powerful, even though we are mothers already. Keep 'em coming

Anyone else happy to share what their second birth meant to them ? Is your first birth always the most important do you think?

My second birth was an elective cs following a crash cs the first time round. It was nice and calm and very healing - literally. My first cs scar was keloidal but I asked the surgeon to cut out this scar during my elective and sew it up nicely so it would heal better. And it did. Cool.

DD1 was born after a 4 day induction following the immortal words from my then cons. obs 'I induce all my epileptic ladies at 38 weeks see the MW to book it' (I was 36w pg and had been labouring (ha!) under the impression I was to be allowed a normal birth.

Horrendous time was had by all and eventually DD1 was born by ventouse after I was exhausted to the point of collapse. Traumatic newborn period too.

DD2 was born at home with MW and a doula & DH in attendance in 4 minutes. Bliss - I have had more painful periods, so easy, just listened to my body and it did it's thing. The transfer in afterwards though was completely unnecessary (the MW tried to estimate blood loss from bleeding in a post birth bath ).

At the hospital I had a Dr threaten me with taking me down to theatre to have a femoral line inserted (he went into graphic detail about how they would site it) if I didn't agree to having a venflon put in my hand (I have a phobia about needles & my hands so offered my forearms/elbows/etc but that wasn't good enough for this Dr).

Still it was a good birth

DD1 born after being admitted to hospital with a constant abdominal pain at 40+5. No pain relief, forceps, PPH and third degree tear.

Admitted at 9am, given pain killers for the constant pain, couldn't keep anything down so I was put on a drip. By midnight I was contracting, 5cm dilated and DH came back in and we went to the labour ward. I was still hooked up to the drip to keep me hydrated but after my waters popped I felt I needed to pee but couldn't. Midwife said its all a bit confused down there so don't worry about it. I ended up pushing for ages (against a full bladder???) and eventually told it would need to be forceps as I was exhausted and baby was tired too. Dr came and the first thing he did was catheterise (sp?) me and empty my bladder. Then the forceps went in, ouch, I tore, and DD was born. I was stitched in theatre and had a whilst pph there. It was all a bit of a shock and it took a while to bond with DD1.

DD2's birth was much better. Due to continence issues resulting from DD1's birth I was advised to have an ELCS. It was a much better experience and we bonded immediately.

I would have liked to have attempted a vaginal birth again to see if I could do it right but that was put into persepective when weighed against the risk of becoming permanently doubly incontinent at 28! Thankfully there are no on-going issues.

Hello - I am in the same boat as thunksheadontable! 2nd pregnancy, been doing the hypnobirthing, baby has been in and out of breech so unsure of how things will go within the next 2 weeks, but will keep an eye on your post and replies:)

Strangely, I am CONVINCED this will be a breeze! (as i was with my 1st, 7 hrs induced). I really like hearing happy birth stories, there are too many horror stories out there and I dont' know why women do it to each other!! I really can't understand why people create a thread about their nightmare times - maybe getting it off their chest, I dunno. Anyway, I hope you get the posts/info you need:)

I'm due to give birth in 3 weeks. And have been thinking this also.

My DD's labour 18m ago was 40+5, speedy, intense and overall good i'd say. I did have a PPH 2hrs after but after that I just couldnt stop staring at her in awe.

This time around, I would like to get the opportunity to try the water pool, still have a nice quick labour but nothing too quick. as I kind of felt my body went into a bit of shock with hers. I was so nervous before her labour, as it was all new. but funnily enough i feel more anxious this time around - but thats due to the difficult circumstances I face - DP not around until October, feeling alone without him here, heartbroken. Its DD thats seeing me through. and I hope that I have the strength to get through all of this, especially in those first few weeks of going from one baby to two!

I think the feeling I have this time is that i'm nervous about how its going to be going from literally just DD & I for the past 5 months, to then having another baby. obviously we're thrilled, I just hope DD is ok, and especially when I have to leave her when i am in labour. (even though she will be with Grampy)

Sorry this probably didnt really answer your question!

I'm a boringly common story. Long first labour with a cascade of intervention, ending in forceps. Second labour at home, in water, with doula.

My second labour was incredibly healing for me. I used to replay DD1's birth in my head from time to time and always felt so scared and upset and let down by the hideously un-empathetic staff. DD2's birth still makes me smile nearly a year later when I think about it.

Healing is really the only word I can use to describe it.

In answer to your second question, no, the first birth isn't more important to me. My second birth makes me feel proud and strong, and those feelings are much stronger (sometimes by conscious choice) than the feelings from my first birth. I do, however, feel sad that I will never be able to tell DD1 the story of her birth in such a happy way as I would be able to DD2.

My first was not great - no drugs but episiotomy, tearing and 2 hours of pushing a very big baby. I was in quiet shock for about 3 days afterwards.

My second was completely perfect in every way. So much so, that I was euphoric for a very long time. I felt empowered and delighted with myself - it was the best experience of my life.

1st birth - I was 37+5 waters broke on sofa, went into hospital told my cervix completely closed, away home and come back in 2 days if nothing happens, just got home pains started every 5 minutes and agony, phoned up told to take 2 paracetamol. Am screaming the place down poor DP bundles me back in car take me back to hospital, told I was 1cm not in active labour, I could go home or be admitted but as I was making too much noise I could lie there until morning as I would disturb the other women in the prenatal ward!! MW kept telling me to calm down it would be hours yet and buggered off. It was only when the receptionist came through and said was I pushing that they got the MW back I was fully dilated. She did apologise afterwards said no wonder I was screaming. DD1 was born with her hand at her ear and tore me to shreds, also nearly had a retained placenta which luckily came away just as they were booking the threatre, loads of stitches, I remember just being in shock she was here, had a hard time BFing her, she had jaundice and wouldn't latch. She was only 6lbs 3ozs. 4h 20 mins start to finish.

2nd birth - couldn't have been more different, only 18 months later. 41+5. Planned homebirth. Felt a few twinges so went downstairs, DP followed and thought he had better call MWs. As MWs knew me they both came. Lay on my bed with some lovely gas and air. Had very controlled pushing stage, no stitches, DD2 born and placed onto my chest, cord left uncut. She had her first feed on me, placenta delivery naturally. DD2 wrapped up with me, DD1 joined DP and I in bed. Felt great afterwards, was downstairs putting on a washing 4 hours later.

3rd and 4th births were ok too.

1st birth I was induced, needed an epi almost instantly as I couldn't cope at all with the pain. When it came to push I had no clue what to do and found it very frustrating. I ended up with an episiotomy, forceps and a tear. I was flat on my back, legs in stirrups with 13 other people in the room. It was pretty hideous and I hated having the catheter in, not being able to pick up ds1 etc.

It was such a bad experience that I'd talked with my consultant a lot about elcs but she persuaded me to have a go at a vaginal delivery again.

2nd time labour started spontaneously, I managed the contractions fine. At the point that I felt I couldn't manage I was fully dilated and almost there. As ds2 was back to back and stuck I was wheeled into theatre for emcs - the anaesthetist was just preparing to do his thing when I pushed ds2 out with 2 pushes and that was it!

I was utterly exhilarated and was so excited that I wanted to do it again, wanted a home birth next time etc etc. It changed me from hating birth and feeling quite resentful of people who were smug about having 'good' births to being one of those people. That second birth truly transformed my view on everything around birth.

p.s. dc3 was fairly similar to dc2 so positive again. I just wish I'd known what I was getting into when I agreed to be induced...

All I can say is that my second birth was incredibly healing. The first time I felt like everything went wrong. Not a brilliant pregnancy, induction, whole cascade leading to baby dragged out with forceps, then breastfeeding disaster. I felt like I'd failed and done everything wrong and so disappointed with myself. It took over a week to begin to bond properly with the baby, and I just wanted him to go away so I could sleep.

Second time did it all myself at home, no drugs, water birth using hypnosis. I hate the word, but it was massively empowering and really really helped to heal a lot of the demons from the traumatic first birth in a v unexpected way. I had a hormonal surge of happiness that lasted for a good fortnight after the birth. I felt like I'd conquered the world and could do anything. I'm sure it was the effect of the postt-birth oxytocin surge that I prob never got first time. It felt quite addictive and I immediately knew I wanted to do it all again. I didn't want to be further than touching distance from the baby for months. She was fiercely mine immediately that I held her. Her birth got rid of my feelings of failure, and immediately I realised why I had felt so cheated first time. I also felt quite evangelical (?), perhaps inappropriately, and just wanted every mum to have the chance to know how this sort of birth feels. Obviouslty I reigned this in for the benefit of the rest of the workd

DC3 was fine. Not as ab fab as DC2, but good.

Hoping DC4 will be equally nice.

Birth 1: Horrendous time during and months after birth. Not sure I'll ever be totally over it (search my postings on here if you want details)

Birth 2: Successfully campaigned for ELCS after first experience. It was wonderful. Such a healing process for both me and DH, I never lost my sense of self, never felt depressed, can't wait to resume "relations" with DH (6 week check today ). It was lovely to finally have that post-birth "high" that's talked about and to have a truly relaxed start to motherhood for this one.