Your second birth. If it was better than your first, what did that mean to you?

[HowImportantWasItThen]

Would those of you who have a really good second birth, following a less positive first birth, have a moment to share with me what having a good birth second time around meant for you? Did you see birth as something to get through, or has the kind of birth you had made a difference to how you feel about being/becoming a mother?

I am thinking about doing some research on women's experience of second births, and would be really interested to hear some first-hand experiences of if/how having a good birth second time around made a difference to you? . Obviously, please don't post if you will get upset, I don't want to poke and pry, but would love to hear if you are happy to share . Ta!

I follow the established pattern of a traumatic, medicalised, emotionally damaging first birth, followed by a peaceful, natural, emotionally healing second birth.

But oddly felt far more closely bonded to DC1 than to DC2.

So a 'perfect' HWB, drug free, just me and the midwife, didn't automatically lead to a great bond with the baby (though we are fine now).

And a consultant led, bright lights, cascade of intervention birth made me miserable and so shocked that I couldn't stop the tears when I had to visit the labour ward 6 years later, but didn't automatically result in a poor bond.

What FlissPaps said. Labour with DC1 was days' worth of unnecessary cascades of intervention, feeling very alone, scared and unsupported. We 'consented' to treatment under duress that I did not want or need. The postnatal time in hospital was much the same.

My antenatal treatment with DC2 brought so much of that back and in a way to get 'control' back, I had a HB with a doula. Most of the labour was done in a calm cocoon, I was warm and cosy in the dark, and had 3 people supporting me (DH, MW, Doula). Then things ramped up, second MW ruined the atmosphere and 1st MW broke my waters without consent while doing a VE without consent; they waited until the doula left the room to insist I have syntocin for a PPH after a natural 3rd stage - during which they repeatedly pulled on the cord - and yet recorded bloodloss as 100ml. Yes, it was better - but it took DC3 to restore my faith in birth - 3 hours of labour by myself, at night, whilst cooking and listening to music, then a couple of hours in the pool with an IM and DH and then DC1&2 appearing to watch DC3 appear

I was on such a high afterwards - just as Pesto says " I felt like I'd conquered the world and could do anything. I'm sure it was the effect of the postt-birth oxytocin surge that I prob never got first time. It felt quite addictive and I immediately knew I wanted to do it all again. I didn't want to be further than touching distance from the baby for months. She was fiercely mine immediately that I held her. Her birth got rid of my feelings of failure, and immediately I realised why I had felt so cheated first time. I also felt quite evangelical (?), perhaps inappropriately, and just wanted every mum to have the chance to know how this sort of birth feels. "

And as if to prove how much DC1's birth affected me - I burst into tears just going into the hospital for a scan for DC4. Even after two natural, pain-relief free births, the place gives me the heebeegeebees.

My second birth made me want to do the whole experience again. I had been worried about it as I had had an emcs 1st and didn't want it again. All I can say was I felt more in control and empowered by my second birth.

This has by no way impacted on how I feel about either of my children. Dd's birth was traumatic for both dh and I and we treasure her because of this, ds birth was liberating and for this he is treasured.

(Birth wise that is)

My second birth was 'an achievement' for me. After the usual long-cascade-of-intervention story with my first, I remember feeling utterly traumatised, and shocked by the 'brutality' of it all. I didn't feel I'd had anything to do with the birth, that I was a sort of bystander, and it happened to me. With my ds's birth a couple of years later despite my fears - having to give birth on the same consultant unit as I'd had my little girl, worrying they'd want to put me on a drip, speed things up, etc etc, I had a very understanding midwife who empowered me throughout. I was scared, very scared, but the feeling of achievement when I actually managed to give birth to him naturally without pain relief... incredible. I wrote such a long letter to that midwife explaining just how much it meant to me. I've pasted a section from it below, as it summarises exactly how I felt days after the 2nd birth:

"Then you arrived ? and we firmly believe that was the turning point. I was up and off the monitor, moving around and the contractions started becoming more regular. You were encouraging from the outset, and although I was getting discouraged, I remember so clearly you saying ?Take each contraction at a time? as trying to look too far ahead wouldn?t be helpful. That was the most helpful piece of advice I could have wished for, and helped me to deal with the pain. The suggestion to try the TENS machine again was also inspired, as I was really struggling with pain in my back. I?d been wearing the TENS machine for nearly 24 hours, but a few hours previously I?d taken it off convinced that nothing was going to happen and that it wasn?t really ?working?. It really did help. Then your suggestion to break my waters again was great. I was worried about it, given my experience last time, but the way you reassured me that it wouldn?t hurt in the way it had last time ? calmly stating the reasons why and explaining everything ? was enough to reassure me, and you were right.

I have a clear image in my head of me leaning on the side of the bed, facing you, while my husband was applying pressure to my back and I was gasping on the gas and air and gulping water in between contractions. All the time you were calm and smiling, and helping me through what was really frightening and the most painful thing I?ve ever experienced. You responded to my requested to try the bath, and even though I was only in there minutes, you were able to examine me and help with the remaining lip of the cervix before rushing me back into the delivery room. The pushing part of the labour was in some ways the best part for me because I was actually able to ?do? something, but it was also the most frightening because the sensation was so unfamiliar to me. Again you were so reassuring, and so calm. This made all the difference to me, and I remember you seemed so positive, wanting me to feel the baby turn as he was born and encouraging my husband to watch and then cut the cord.

When the baby was on the bed underneath me I really, honestly, could not believe I?d given birth. I still have to keep asking my husband who was amazed to see the baby?s face and head appear, ?Did I really do it??. That night he said that you were the right person for us ? and I still can?t believe how lucky we were that you were working that night, and were so tuned in to what we wanted even though I was wavering and if someone had offered an epidural to me on a plate I?m sure I would have snapped their hand off!

?Thank you? seems such a small thing to say, but we really do mean it. I never thought it would be possible to have a positive birth experience, and the odds seemed so stacked against us achieving it ? the fact that I had been told so late that I?d be delivering on the Consultant Ward, that I was so tired beforehand was feeling so negative about the lack of progress, the fact that the contractions seemed to be so far apart for so long? you name it!

Our baby boy (we haven?t named him yet!) seems calm and laidback ? and I?m sure this has a lot to do with the manner of his arrival into the world. I can?t put a price on this ? for his wellbeing, and for myself personally, and for my husband too. We?re all so grateful to you for your support, the fact that you believed in me"

My second birth was in water with only midwife and do. Totally natural. Really good experience. My first was forceps delivery as she was back to back and got stuck. At the end of both I was just happy to have beautiful children and look back on both labour/ birth experiences in a positive way. However you're little one gets here as long as we are all ok.

*dp/ hubby.

Well I suffered PTSD after my first birth and planned carefully for my second which went amazingly.

Did it heal me from my first?

No.

It made me angrier than ever as it proved how unneccessary the first traumatic experience was.

1st birth (DD) I thought at the time was ok but my second birth (DS) was so much better that it made me reflect on certain things about the 1st that I'm sure were unnecessary.

1st birth 24hrs labour but only 4hr really painful. Used gas and air. Had her on main unit with continuos monitoring. I tried to stay upright and mobile but in the end wound up on my back. My contractions really died off in 2nd stage and I had my waters broken and a drip and was threatened with ventouse but not needed. It was beautiful and wonderful and special to hold her for the 1st time and in no sense a bad experience. (All went tits up 24hrs later when she was taken to special care but that's another story).

2nd birth in MLBU 8hr labour. Surprised to find that they didn't recommend any examinations, spent most of 1st stage on birthing ball. When contractions again died off this time I was just encouraged to go for a walk with dh which really did the trick. He was actually born in his waters and had a natural 3rd stage as well, no pain relief required and he was back to back!

The 1st time I felt I was being 'managed' and not performing well! The second time they really gave me confidence that I didn't need interventions and I felt so good about what my body had done.

I think that just maybe if I'd had that feeling 1st time around instead of feeling like a patient I might have questioned subsequent events more and maybe avoided her going to SCBU, having formula feeds against my will and generally being medicalised for being 100g less than their protocol dictated was a normal weight.

My first labour was OK,i was induced and i found the contractions just came on all of a sudden,bang there they were,very painful,but i was only in labour 2 and a half hours and for some reason it didn't cross my mind to ask for pain relief,even gas and air,i kind of forgot i was allowed anything!and they didn't offer so i just didn't think of it,in hindsight i am glad i didnt have anything though.I read a lot about birth in the usual books beforehand a lot of them went on about it lasting a long time,if i had of known that it wasn't going to last much longer when i was actually in labour i think i would of been OK,but at the time i just though how can i cope with this if its going to get worse and go on for another 8 hours?when in reality i was 5 minutes away from pushing!

All in all it was very fast,painful and not really that enjoyable,although i did come out of it thinking,well that could of been worse!When can i do it again?!!!

Second time round,which was 13 months later,i was surprised to go into labour at 38 weeks (5 weeks earlier than the first time round!)and this time it was even quicker (hour and a half)but i was a lot more relaxed,i knew what to expect,and i used things like baths,walking round and massage more to my advantage.I didn't have any pain relief that time and i have to be honest,it didn't really hurt much,it was like i could feel what was going on but it didn't hurt?I think it was more to do with me being relaxed and comfortable though,and i felt safe with my midwife.

dc3 was even better,drug free and pain free,by then id started reading about natural birth and ecstatic birth,power of the mind blah blah blah,it was amazing,i had a water birth which i am going to do again,with number 4,in September

I don't have any positive memories of my first childs' birth.
My dc2 birth was truly delightful, quick, no interventions (apart from being induced!) every year on her birthday I remember back to how joyful bringing her into the world was. In fact it makes me smile now thinking about it

Yes, having a good second time around has meant a lot to me.

To be honest, in my first pregnancy, I never felt anxious or scared about labour, and approached it with optimism. Unfortunately, it hasn't been a great experience. Nothing dramatic happened, but I felt completely out of control, patronised by some of the staff (and for me to say so is quite something, as I usually tend to trust doctors and medical staff) and generally shocked by the goriest parts of the birth.

With my second pregnancy, I really wished for a better experience and was determined to not let my first labour put shadows on the second.
I got lucky as it was really an easy labour (very short and straight forward) and the midwife was super lovely and encouraging.
I was happy I felt "in control", and I was happy that I actually understood what my body was doing iyswim.

I was over the moon after the birth, while the first time I was just a bit shocked and overwhelmed. Of course these feelings are also linked to the fact that you actually know what to expect from a second baby!

StarshitTerrorise My 4th was like that for my 3rd. My 4th was really difficult but I got amazing support from the midwife and other staff...and when I think about it I wonder why I didn't get that support with my 3rd (which was a homebirth, which everyone says means you get amazing, caring, listening, supportive one-to-one support and I got nothing like that). Having a hospital birth because I didn't trust the homebirth team anymore was a very strange experience!

I don't see my first as my most important, it wasn't a positive experience, the midwifes were not very supportive before, during, or after, and I spent most of the time just in survival mode. However, the mistreatment in my first pregnancy and birth did colour the rest of them. My second birth, a BBA homebirth that was practically perfect, did help my confidence and help me put the first one behind me in a way, but it couldn't take away the bad memories. The good just makes the bad seem so unneeded (particularly as my bad weren't surprise medical problems but mistreatment and abuse by staff).