Worried about and stupefied with pregnant friend

[PeaceAndHope]

My dear friend in America is expecting her second and has me worried sick:(

Last time she had a fourth degree tear and rectovaginal fistula which hasn't yet been properly repaired. Her baby was 10 pounds and it was a very complicated birth.
However, she just called to tell me that she has decided on a vaginal birth again, even though her baby weighs about the same this time. She says she will get the repair after her delivery.

I tried to explain to her that leaving severe tears and fistulas unrepaired can make them harder to fix. IMO the course of action would have been to have it repaired ASAP and get an ELCS the second time around.

It's not my place to say this of course, and she has a right to pick a VB but that isn't what concerns me. Despite dealing with the worst outcome of a VB she is convinced that it's 100% safe and that CS is "too dangerous". I fear she is is putting herself and her macrocosmic baby at risk for birth injuries and worse still she doesn't realise it.

She says she has done a lot of research and she thinks a CS will be an "injustice to her baby". I understand her worries over breathing difficulties after a CS, but what about the risks of shoulder dystocia and brachial plexus palsy in macrocosmic babies?!

What is even more concerning is that she has been blogging about her decision to have another VB instead of "major surgery". I don't know if she's trying to prove something or has some evangelical urge to go natural, but I can't understand why she would deliberately mislead others?

What would you do in her position? And in mine?

Peace - I understand your concern and I would be concerned if I was in your position.

However, this woman has been warned by her OB about another VB and seems to have done research. That being the case, anything you say to her will not make any difference.

I think that your only option is to try and block it out and not think about it and hope that nothing bad happens to her or her baby. Because you are powerless, this is all you can do. Even if you flew over to the US and physically tried to stop her, you would be chucked out of the building. There is just nothing you can do so worrying will just be detrimental to you and make no difference to her.

You haven't pointed out she's not making an informed decision, you've pointed out she's making the wrong decision in your opinion.

The idea that a woman in America of all places is going to be able to insist on a VB if there is the slightest sliver of a chance of a risk to her or her baby is risible.

She's probably winding you up, cos you're quite, you know, touchy.

"Peace, this isn't the first thread that has gone this way. You really do sound like you have issues that have nothing to do with your friend. I really think you should be having a look in the mirror and asking yourself a few questions over this. This obsession and the way you speak about it has been noted on other threads and its ended up going in a similar fashion. I honestly think you have some sort of unresolved problem here which you need to address.

I applaud you in the way, you want to fight against this, but you end up doing more harm than good because of the way you are so emotionally involved with it. It damages your point of view. It ends up becoming a huge bun fight with anyone who doesn't quite support you. I feel sorry for your friend in that respect. I would find you hard to deal with and I won't be giving birth unless I can have assurances of having a CS.

This really isn't about your worry for your friend. This is about how you feel about VBs and your fears within that. "

1. Firstly, I have said nothing unsupportive to my friend as I have pointed out several times already. I am also not imposing any of my beliefs on her.

I'm merely expressing my concern as a friend on an anonymous forum. Don't know why that is so wrong.

1. I am not sure why you feel that I have "unresolved issues". Is it because I often talk about the benefits of CS instead of painting a distorted picture about their risks? Or because I have had an ELCS myself?

1. I have no fears related to vaginal birth. I have had a vaginal birth. Granted it was very premature and cannot compare to a full term delivery, but it was labour and delivery nonetheless.

Talking about the potential risks of a VB does not translate to a fear of VB.

helpyourself:

"She's probably winding you up, cos you're quite, you know, touchy."

Yes, of course. You must know more about this than I do. You must have also received the concerned phone call from someone close to her this morning requesting that you talk to her. Right.

I'm sure she has friends and family a bit nearer that could offer support...

Nice of you to care, though.

I really think you need to back off. I haven't searched your posting history but from just this thread you come across as having an unhealthy obsession with the way your friend wants to give birth.

I can understand you are worried about her but you need to understand that is her birth and her body.

If I was your friend then I would be giving birth how I wanted too. Not how other people wanted me too.

Its not so much that you post about this subject quite a lot.
Its more that you don't post about anything else.

I expect you would feel deeply upset if a friend felt 'stupified' by your birth choices.

Are you going to keep posting doggedly until someone tell you that you are right?

I give up.

I've tried to repeatedly point out that I am not trying to make her do anything.
She's at liberty to do what she likes. But her family and I are worried that she's making the wrong decision for the wrong reasons and we are powerless to help her. You can call it "unhealthy obsession", but as her childhood friend, I'm merely concerned about her health. I couldn't care less how she delivers, I'm concerned about the impact her choice will have on her health and life.

Anyway, I don't know what more I can say.

QTPie:

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum :(

I think you know how I feel. It's a helpless, frustrating place to be. Your frustration and concern must be much beyond what I feel right now.

But of course you're right, there's nothing that I can do about this.