Someone tell me I'll get over not giving birth

[MidnightinMoscow]

I am 37+5 with DC2 having had a EMCS with DC1 after 24 hours and 9cm.

Have always been preparing for a VBAC all along, but this is looking more unlikely as the baby is measuring big (via scans, DC1 was big too), the baby is OP and head still high.

I am losing confidence in myself every day, and suspect that if I do go into labour its looking unlikely that I'll have a uneventful delivery.

The mw today thinks I am heading for an elcs, as I cried today feeling so overwhelmed by it all.

This is going to be my last baby. How can I get over these feelings of sadness that I'll never have a natural birth? I really want to experience the whole going into labour thing etc, but am so scared that the birth would be a nightmare given the way things are.
Help!!

Please don't write off your chances of a natural birth - you've got almost 3 weeks left, baby could do anythng in that time!

If it's of any reassurance/help, my DS2 was enormous (10lb 6!), OP until birth, and didn't engage until I went into labour.

I was induced at term as they knew he'b be big, and it was just fine - none of the things you're concerned about will necessarily rule out your chances, don't worry.

I don't have any advice about c-sections, but I am sure someone who knows better will be along in a minute. I do know what you mean though about the feelings of sadness; one of the reasons I didn't go for ELCS with DS2 was because I wanted to go through the physical act of vaginal birth.

Sorry to hear you're feeling blue but please try not to stress about the unknown at this stage. You still have a very good chance of a vbac.

I'd ignore all the stress about a big baby - growth scans are unreliable and a big baby does not automatically mean a bad birth. Your body is doing a great job growing a healthy baby and your body will do great job of birthing that baby too. Can you tell I'm a hynobirthing fan? Seriously, some positive affirmations and relaxation can be so helpful when you're feeling overwhelmed...

I'm also hoping for a vbac (36+5) after an EMCS for DS. At one point it was looking like I would have a planned section for a breech but luckily baby shifted head down.

I've decided to refuse any more growth scans, as I'm growing a big baby (DS was 9lbs 1oz though the EMCS had nothing to do with his size - fetal distress due to hyperstimulation caused by induction/pessary) and the appointments just stress me out. Plus growth scans are not 100% reliable. I figure I'm a decent height and, ahem, generously sized in the hip dept, so my body just grows them big and that doesn't mean I won't have a successful vbac (my obstetrician would tell you a different story! She is ruddy obsessed with the predicted size of my baby...).

So long as I go into labour naturally I think I have as good a chance as any of a natural birth. And if I have to have an EMCS again due to something like fetal distress then so be it (the safety of myself and the baby being paramount). I can't be induced with pessaries and will refuse any augmentation (due to increased risk of scar rupture) and have already said I'll refuse induction via ARM. I'm prepared to just wait and let nature take its course so to speak.

But, having rambled all that, I genuinely don't think it'll matter if I miss out on having a natural birth because I have to have an EMCS. Pregnancy and birth is just the start of the parenting journey. My experience with DS's birth was the opposite of the home water birth I'd wanted but it doesn't matter to me now iykwim.

Anyway, hope you feel better soon

VB is over-rated, honestly. I had a VB for DD who was 8lb9 OP got stuck in transverse arrest, Keillands forceps, whopping episiotomy which subsequently broke down. Yes, she came out the "natural" route but it was far from a pleasant experience - so much so my ELCS is booked for DD2 in a few weeks time.

Easy, straightforward VBs are fine I'm sure, but you have indicators it won't be that way and believe me, I'd rather have a hundred ELCS than ever have to go through my VB again. Have you explored how you'd feel if a VB was not straightforward due to the indicators that have already been mentioned? Would an instrumental delivery be preferrable to ELCS? Another long painful labour if baby stays OP? Shoulder dystocia risk (I was a whisker away from this happening to me)? I don't want to scare-monger but it's easy to only see the rose-tinted view of VB from the perspective of those fortunate enough to have straightforward deliveries. When you explore what you are "missing out" on you might find you'd gladly keep away!

Have you gone onto the Yahoo VBAC group for advice and support? If it's anything like the Yahoo Homebirth group then it will be invaluable :)

Big babies can be born vaginally (and there's no way of knowing the size of a baby until it's actually born, growth scans can be up to 2lb out and tend to overestimate size rather than underestimate it).

OP babies can be born vaginally.

Second and subsequent babies don't tend to engage until much later on in pregnancy than first babies - some don't engage until labour starts.

Be positive, I haven't had a CS but I have had a very intervention heavy vaginal birth - I'd have chosen a CS over that any day, but I understand the feeling of not experiencing a natural birth because it certainly wasn't a natural birth for me.

2nd babies drop into position later than 1st babies.

and just because it's big doesn't mean it can't be born vaginally.
and there's still time to turn.

even if you do decide to do an elcs, that doesn't mean you haven't given birth, you just haven't done it through your fanjo.

believe me, doing the full labour and birth thing hurts.

Midnight, I have 2 DC's and never even had a contraction (Had placenta praevia with DD1 so going into labour would have been very risky), so you have experienced more of a natural birth than I have . I don't mean that flippantly at all btw, just that we all experience different things when our children are born - some lovely calm experiences with doves cooing (not a large % i imagine) and some not so straightforward (the majority).

Please don't beat yourself up over something you actually have very little control over

I have 2 happy, healthy and beautiful DD's and to me nothing else matters. I really hope you can come to this kind of peace with yourself

Oh, and actually my 1st CS (despite the medical complications) was a lovely birth with everyone laughing and chatting and guessing baby's weight. So much so that i chose an ELCS with DD2, which was equally lovely.

Thank you all for your kind words and sharing your stories.

I am feeling a little better today as I contacted the Matron for the delivery suite who was very helpful and reassuring and explained that its normal to be feeling like this with a VBAC etc. (Better than my MW who just stared at me!)

I think I am just going to take things as they come, and if I get to 40 weeks, then a ELCS it will be. By then it will be out of my hands.

I know a little of where you are coming from. I'm due an ELCS for DC3 on Monday and am a little sad that I've never experienced labour. DC1 was an EMCS due to other reasons and DC2 an ELCS as he was breach. This time round I've been advised to have an ELCS due to the risk of the two previous scars rupturing. I feel a bit disappointed, just as I did before the ELCS last time round. Once I held my DC2 in the theatre last time all those feelings disappeared. I don't care how he got here. The most important thing to me is that he did so safely. I suspect I'll feel the same way on Monday.

Sorry to hear you have been feeling like this too Jaffa. It is such an emotive subject, and pre DC's I would have thought I would have been mad to feel like this.

You need to remember that you are following advice with your ELCS's, and to be honest I'd never feel comfortable not doing that. Indeed I'll have an ELCS if the baby has not arrived in the next 2 weeks.

Good luck for Monday, that feeling when you hold them in your arms for the frist time...however they got there...well, it's magical.

I had an EMCS and then an ELCS.

For me, the elective was so different, and calm, that it healed a lot of my upset around the EMCS.

I honestly don't care anymore that I haven't had a VB, and I didn't think I would feel like that.

Good luck with whatever route you end up with!

I think what you're feeling is entirely normal.

Try to remember that there really isn't any such thing as a 'normal' birth because it is so individual - as some of the other posters have said a VB can be straightforward or traumatic or anything in between. Even so, it's hard not to be disappointed when you had pictured and planned for one thing and it all changes out of your control.

I was told I had to have a ELCS with DC2 a couple of months ago, and although rationally I was able to see why this was necessary and how much easier it will be to sort out childcare etc, it was still a shock.

Breathe deep, have a little weep if you need and you'll get over it and see the bigger picture and realise how little the birth of your child matters compared to their entire life. (This bit might take a little time!)

I think most women feel a bit cheated if they have anything other than a straightforward VB.

I went into hospital at 5cm dilated and then spent the next 5hrs making what I thought was very good progress in the pool. They checked me late at night and it turned out I'd actually made no progress at all and was still at 5cm. My contractions all but tailed off and I was exhausted and dehydrated. I ended up being put on a drip and choosing an epidural because I was so crushed at not having got anywhere that I almost gave up.

In the end, my contractions started up again, I peacefully got to 10cm and then pushed her out with minimum fuss. BUT.... even though it was the best thing for me at the time, I still feel upset that I had an epidural and therefore didn't experience the need to push etc. I feel sad that if we only have one child (as currently expected), I won't experience a 'natural birth.'

I think in the end you just have to go with it and try to remember that all births are different and as long as you and baby are ok then it has been 'sucessful.'

Good luck, whatever happens :)

I am in the same situation exactly as the OP. DD1 was 10lb13oz and an ELCS after being told her shoulders were very unlikely to fit through my pelvis. Am now 36 wks with DD2 and measuring 40 weeks with a back to back baby.

Am having another ELCS in a few weeks and have to say I feel no sadness or guilty feelings whatsoever, I am definitely of the thinking that the end is the most important thing, not the means. I certainly do not feel cheated, I feel incredibly lucky to have one beautiful DD and another on the way. As long number 2 arrives safely I dont give a monkeys!

I have to say though that when DD1 was tiny and everyone was sharing their labour stories at baby groups and baby massage etc I was made to feel as though I had somehow failed for not trying to squeeze an almost 11lb baby out through my tiny size 8 frame. I won't be so quick to take it this time!

I really feel the safest option is the right thing to do 100% of the time..

Have had two CS, first emergency, second persuaded by drs, do have any regrets? No, because I have my children. They are alive and well. That's all that matters.

I am curious though when watching OBEM or call the midwife, feel myself pushing with them! (Never had a contraction either)

Also meant to say 'good luck'

I never really got the whole vaginal birth thing. I don't understand why women feel they need to go through it or are disappointed with anything but a natural birth.

This eulogising about a 'natural' delivery, the 'experience', of it is yet another hoop to jump through on the path to perfect mummy hood - but actually all it means is that by some random combination of factors the baby is well positioned, physiologically all is well and everyone is healthy and therefore delivery is relatively straightforward.

Op don't feel that you are some sort of second best if you have an ecs - what happens in birth is largely down to luck. And Good Luck.

Labour is SERIOUSLY overrated! I had three vaginal births before a CS and I would have the CS again any time. For me it was a way quicker recovery time, much less pain. I was actually relieved when the obstetrician came in waving the consent form for the CS.

You grew that person inside you for 9 months and you will have given birth no matter how the little tyke ends up getting out. May it go well for you, no matter which way it comes. Good luck.

Beans I absolutely agree with you. But I have two friends who did squeeze ten pound babies out of their tiny size eight frames and I think the op should not be overly hung up on the size of the baby, because it alone doesn't determine whether vaginal birth is possible.

It is so interesting to hear other peoples stories. Just goes to show how many women have similar feelings, although it's heartening to hear that so many of you have made peace with yourselves and are happy now.

I just want to experience that 'moment' when you deliver your baby, the closeness it seems to yield between the mum and dad...all captured in a moment. DC1's birth was just so clinical and cold, no real emotion attached to it.

Although the thought of getting this big, OP VBAC baby out is terrifying too.

My opinion is that the most important thing is the baby is ok, not how it comes out. I had 3 sections and felt I'd missed out, not 'given birth' etc. Not helped by the earth mother brigade. It affected me for years thinking this so I opted for a vbac for no 4.
Well, it went wrong. Not because its a vbac but because sometimes birth goes wrong.
Thats when I realised that the important thing is the baby being ok.
Just my thoughts.
I hope you have a healthy baby regardless of how it comes out. Its a few hours in a whole lifetime and now my older 3 are adults I can barely remember their c-sections over years of great memories and experiences.

Even with a vaginal birth there's no guarantee of that moment though - my first was born flat and whisked straight off to be resuscitated so it was a terrifying 30 secs or so til his first cry. Then I was sick and passed out with exhaustion, his dad had to do the skin-to-skin thing til I woke up

I was hoping for those first warm moments with DS2 (like you OP, part of the reason I wanted VB rather than CS) but the little monkey had a nuchal cord and needed oxygen. I was sat on the bed saying "c'mon, give me my baby!" to the paed who checked him over (double )

First of all, you don't know yet, so try and be patient.

I had 2 elective CS, (various reasons) and I am so delighted I have 2 healthy children, it has never once caused me any sadness. Of course, in an ideal world, VB would be lovely, but the overwheming feeling is joy that my kids are here and well.

I would say, try and focus on the end point: a well baby.

Hope it all goes well for you.

Personally I think having a c-section is 'giving birth'! You have a baby at the end of it, what else can it be? :) I had a EMCS the first time around, the second time was booked in for an elective but baby came early and I had back to back labour, forceps, episiotomy, the lot. Delivering my baby actually was a pretty terrifying moment, and I am still miffed I missed my lovely ELCS. So there you go. :)

Inevitably there will be people who'll try and persuade you that your feelings of wanting a vaginal birth are silly, pointless or naive.

But you feel the way you feel. Sometimes it can't be helped.

I second all the voices suggesting you drop in on the UK VBAC site for some encouragement, and also if you can talk to a VBAC midwife at your hospital. That can make a real difference to your confidence.

And good luck with your birth.

And LionelBlairs - you are wrong about good birth experiences. I've had difficult labours with big, poorly positioned babies and health complications of my own. I still found it a very important life experience and I'm very glad I had a chance to do it. I don't feel 'cheated' by not having a straightforward birth, but I would feel cheated if I hadn't had the chance to complete my labour.